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Men only - Timeline to regain respect for FWW?
I've lost a lot of respect for WW. Not sure if I'll ever respect her again....
Hi there, MrSam. Sorry you find yourself here, but know that you are welcome.
You are on a long, difficult journey. Have you read in The Healing Library (located on the left) yet? That's a good place to start.
I've lost all respect for my STBXWW. The lies, deceit, the way she lied to our daughter. I honestly don't think I will ever respect her again.
Right now just one week post D-day, I can't stand the thought of WW and OM when I talk about it with friends I call her a fucking whore, and they all look at me shocked. I tell them, I don't really believe that way, it just makes it easier for me not to love her so much when I say that out loud. I don't really think she's a whore, I think she was weak and saw an opportunity to go for someone who lets her be the boss, she didn't feel like a boss at home, but neither did I, and since she doesn't live with him yet she doesn't have to "clean up after him" <---her complaint about me.
[This message edited by lingerdog at 1:18 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday)]
I'm 6 months out from DD. Her ONS was 1 year ago. My respect level for her changes daily, usually with how responsive I perceive her to be to our relationship. What the OM did to her on the ONS was disgusting, and her failure to stop it (reportedly due to drunkenness) really knocks her down in my eyes.
I know she loves me and has been truly great to/for me (this 1 exception). She definitely loves the kids and is a great mom (again this 1 exception). But she's mostly quiet (always has been) and the lack of communication leads to bad images/worries/etc.
Sometimes she's really on it - receptive, affectionate, communicative. Sometimes she's not. We don't talk about it anymore, but it's the elephant in the room.
One of the bad parts - she's really very, very beautiful and sexy. But now I see all the flaws I never noticed before. They are truly minor and I know other guys are always after/attracted to her, but now I see the flaws. I hate that part. I really hate it because I know the other side/before. My prize in life now has a mark. Damn it.
It was a drunken, one-night stand. She let herself get sweet-talked by a younger guy who ended up as a real creep. It's stupid and I want to get past it.
She wants it to go away and is remorseful. She more than deserves a second chance and forgiveness.
From what I've read on SI, I guess this is kind of progress. Hopefully we can break through.
When I read all these timelines I get depressed. Now that my WW is back, I am hopeful for the future. I think everyone has their own timeline, and I don't want to put into my head that it will be 2 years, 5 years, etc. If it is two weeks I would be so happy.
Dday was January 30th. She went to spend the weekend with the OM and insists to this day no PA. She brought toys with her. She has told me three distinct times NC but continued. We hit rock bottom on 2/20 and she has so far been consistent with her NC. We are starting counseling. Unfortunately I think it is too late. The mind movies have taken over and she still does not own up to all that the A encompassed. I love her but at this rate I will never be able to trust or respect her. The feelings of her being a "dirty wh*re" are frequent. I never in a million years expected this. The reason why I feel that is because although I confronted her on the phone and found out the truth that Saturday, she still insisted on staying that night at the OM house and coming home on Sunday. It makes me sick.
Welcome to SI.
Right, spent the weekend, brought toys, but no sex. Does she think you're a naive idiot?
Good luck with counseling, her story makes no sense, and without the truth you may never heal.
wow had no idea this thread was here.
I am 2 yrs out & still have no respect for WW, she had none for me while on some other guy's lap while wearing my ring, while looking me in the eye & lying, telling me I was paranoid, crazy, they're just friends, etc. etc.-I have none for her.
I have to agree with a lot of
the others. I don't think I will ever get my respect for her back. I'd like to have the respect I did before but it is just not possible.
I'm 8 months out, married for 29 years. WW had 4 yr.LTA. I can't see how I'll ever respect someone who could lie and deceive me willingly for that long. I may love her again someday but her respect was earned by raising our kids, hanging with me through the tough times and most of all, keeping her vows. She has now proven that none of that mattered more to her than screwing him in a parking lot. It's truly sad to see how much she has lost in all of this. Most of it she doesn't even realize yet.
I guess it depends what you attitude is to the situation your in.
If you feel that your WW is the person that had the A, that you were completly wrong about her before your D'Day, then i think its easy to see that you will have a hard time respecting, or forgiving her.
However if you think that during the A she was 'Not herself' or 'Acting out of character' then i think there is a much bigger chance that she can redeem herself and that the respect will return.
As for a timeline, I dont think there is, although our situations are all very similar, we are all very different people, And we will get through this (or Not) at different paces. Perhapes a better question would be to ask 'What are the stages for gaining Respect?'
I have no resect for her any more.
That ended when she betrayed my trust and love.
wow, kind of a depressing thread.
I try to focus on the emotional aspects of the A, her remorse, her efforts in MC, but I get wrapped up in images of the sleeping together on trips, daytime meetings, the times she just s***ed him off to grt it overwith, the herpes she contracted...
I hadn't thought about it much until reading it here, but my perfect wife who I adored and lusted after through 50# of weight gain and loss is now looking old, ragged, worn.
She used to be the only figure in my sexual fantasies, but now it is her and one of them, or someone else. I have lost something.
Wife has been remorseful since day one, but caught a break of NC in the first few weeks. I am learning to respect her for being open, honest, and commited, but it will never be what it was. The being grossed out part is still fresh as DDay was only 5 weeks ago. The visions and nightmares of her being naked in the arms of another man along with the other acts are quite vivid so nausea sets in frequently.
I did accidentally call her a dirty whore one night during sex, but I didn't mean it. It was a heat of the moment thing.
I'm with andy on this one.
I don't think it's possible to regain it. At least not for me.
[This message edited by resigned at 8:34 PM, March 2nd (Tuesday)]
This is an excellent thread.
Dday was 10/5/09 she had a 1 year A with her first boyfriend from way back. They made plans for a new life, were "soul mates", etc. Now we are in R. She confessed to another PA over 10 years ago. She is doing everything right now, NC, MC, IC. She is remorseful, open, loving.
Do I trust her? No. Will I ever? Doubt it. I have an odd problem that I would like some advice on. I think I am addicted to her. She is gorgeous, a 10 and even at 40 she has the figure of a woman half her age. I look at her and melt. I touch her and get turned on instantly. I hate to admit this but if this wasn't the case I'd probably D her. Even after her A's. I want her. Trust is gone. Respect is gone. I still love her, still desire her and can't find the strength to let go of her. I dread a life of mistrust, suspicion, lack of respect and living with the betrayal but I still want her. Am I crazy?
in my case my whole 10 year marriage has been fake.I'm dealing with a dirty whore who has a personality disorder.i never will respect her again. she has came clean there is nc,but then again who really knows,i'm just waiting on a good moment and i'm gone...i can't forget or forgive it's been about 8 months now l'm not seeing the light,....i'm ready 4 the day i truly don't think or care for her......
Alex-you're not crazy. Go with your feelings. If you love her and enjoy being with her, be with her.
It takes time to process what has happened. Your thinking may change in the future or it may not.
If she's doing everything right you can heal from this. My FWW hasn't done everything right and therein lies the difference.
Timeline for gaining respect?
Respect - esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability.
After now 18 months since dday...
I do not have a pride that I once did with my W. I'm just now starting to accept she just was not a good woman... but she appears changed today... our relationship is better... more loving.
She does have many great qualities and that is why I stay... She's clean around the house, good cook, good with our kids, has been good to say I'm sorry, put up with all my pain... I also stay because we are now having fun together... going to casino, out to dinner, movies, just the two of us... we talk more everyday.
All this does not stop the fact I think about infidelity everyday... several times a day... not with so much hurt to want to tear up or anger... just thoughts. I can shift my mind these days.. but something everyday always triggers me... It's my new life I would say.
Anyway... I guess would say... Some respect is coming back.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:07 AM, March 3rd (Wednesday)]
I have lost the pride of calling her my wife. I have lost the motivation to take care of her and help her through her tough times. It doesn't even bother me if she gets hurt.
As a matter of fact, just the other day, I was happy when she told me she got a cut from a kitchen knife that I had just sharpened. I get a sick sense of joy knowing when she is hurt.
I hope these feelings go away someday. They are definitely not healthy and do not help he relationship at all.