You are on a long, difficult journey. Have you read in The Healing Library (located on the left) yet? That's a good place to start.
[This message edited by lingerdog at 1:18 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday)]
I know she loves me and has been truly great to/for me (this 1 exception). She definitely loves the kids and is a great mom (again this 1 exception). But she's mostly quiet (always has been) and the lack of communication leads to bad images/worries/etc.
Sometimes she's really on it - receptive, affectionate, communicative. Sometimes she's not. We don't talk about it anymore, but it's the elephant in the room.
One of the bad parts - she's really very, very beautiful and sexy. But now I see all the flaws I never noticed before. They are truly minor and I know other guys are always after/attracted to her, but now I see the flaws. I hate that part. I really hate it because I know the other side/before. My prize in life now has a mark. Damn it.
It was a drunken, one-night stand. She let herself get sweet-talked by a younger guy who ended up as a real creep. It's stupid and I want to get past it.
She wants it to go away and is remorseful. She more than deserves a second chance and forgiveness.
From what I've read on SI, I guess this is kind of progress. Hopefully we can break through.
Welcome to SI.
Right, spent the weekend, brought toys, but no sex. Does she think you're a naive idiot?
Good luck with counseling, her story makes no sense, and without the truth you may never heal.
I am 2 yrs out & still have no respect for WW, she had none for me while on some other guy's lap while wearing my ring, while looking me in the eye & lying, telling me I was paranoid, crazy, they're just friends, etc. etc.-I have none for her.
If you feel that your WW is the person that had the A, that you were completly wrong about her before your D'Day, then i think its easy to see that you will have a hard time respecting, or forgiving her.
However if you think that during the A she was 'Not herself' or 'Acting out of character' then i think there is a much bigger chance that she can redeem herself and that the respect will return.
As for a timeline, I dont think there is, although our situations are all very similar, we are all very different people, And we will get through this (or Not) at different paces. Perhapes a better question would be to ask 'What are the stages for gaining Respect?'
Forgiving, that's easy.
Trusting again, that's hard.
"When you take things for granted, the things you are granted get taken away."~ RevRun.
I try to focus on the emotional aspects of the A, her remorse, her efforts in MC, but I get wrapped up in images of the sleeping together on trips, daytime meetings, the times she just s***ed him off to grt it overwith, the herpes she contracted...
I hadn't thought about it much until reading it here, but my perfect wife who I adored and lusted after through 50# of weight gain and loss is now looking old, ragged, worn.
She used to be the only figure in my sexual fantasies, but now it is her and one of them, or someone else. I have lost something.
I did accidentally call her a dirty whore one night during sex, but I didn't mean it. It was a heat of the moment thing.
[This message edited by resigned at 8:34 PM, March 2nd (Tuesday)]
It takes time to process what has happened. Your thinking may change in the future or it may not.
If she's doing everything right you can heal from this. My FWW hasn't done everything right and therein lies the difference.
Respect - esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability.
I do not have a pride that I once did with my W. I'm just now starting to accept she just was not a good woman... but she appears changed today... our relationship is better... more loving.
She does have many great qualities and that is why I stay... She's clean around the house, good cook, good with our kids, has been good to say I'm sorry, put up with all my pain... I also stay because we are now having fun together... going to casino, out to dinner, movies, just the two of us... we talk more everyday.
All this does not stop the fact I think about infidelity everyday... several times a day... not with so much hurt to want to tear up or anger... just thoughts. I can shift my mind these days.. but something everyday always triggers me... It's my new life I would say.
Anyway... I guess would say... Some respect is coming back.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:07 AM, March 3rd (Wednesday)]