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Men only - Timeline to regain respect for FWW?

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ao534q posted 3/3/2010 11:35 AM

I have lost the pride of calling her my wife. I have lost the motivation to take care of her and help her through her tough times. It doesn't even bother me if she gets hurt.

As a matter of fact, just the other day, I was happy when she told me she got a cut from a kitchen knife that I had just sharpened. I get a sick sense of joy knowing when she is hurt.

I hope these feelings go away someday. They are definitely not healthy and do not help he relationship at all.

trynhard posted 3/3/2010 13:25 PM

Of course you can gain repect to your WW... What does it take?

Your WW wanting it and you wanting to respect again.

Respect is a choice, not a feeling... It takes alotta mind control... and time.


ao534q.. maybe you should just go ahead and D? Why punish yourself? What I did was to take my W by the arm and shoved her into the car to leave a bruse about 2" in diameter... loving huh? Hell yeh it hurts us... I frickn should have gone to jail that night...

But today... I'm different. My wife is different. It took alotta work with help from many good people...

Peace to ya brothers...

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:39 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday)]

64fleet posted 3/4/2010 09:45 AM

I have lost the pride of calling her my wife. I have lost the motivation to take care of her and help her through her tough times. It doesn't even bother me if she gets hurt.

I feel ya there-I used to call her wife or darling, now I no longer even mention I'm married anymore. In fact a couple folks have asked me if I'm still M'd.

surprisedguy posted 6/7/2010 07:19 AM

This is something I have been wondering for the last few weeks. I never had the dirty whore thing. I kept telling myself that she was a good person who made a bad decision. I keep telling myself that 20 years of marriage shouldn't be wiped out by one bad decision. However I find myself doubting just about everything she says. To the point where I have to ask myself who am I going to believe, my newly found inner demons or my own lying eyes. I don't think I will ever trust her judgement again at nearly the same level that I did before. I hope that I can develope a level of trust that is close to what I had before. I find when I think about the plans we had for the future that they don't really matter to me anymore. Most of those thoughts begin or end with if we are still together.

Alex1 posted 6/7/2010 08:07 AM

I could have written your post.

To the point where I have to ask myself who am I going to believe, my newly found inner demons or my own lying eyes.

Very good point.

plans for the future... Most of those thoughts begin or end with if we are still together.


Yes, this is a brutal thing. We want to move forward, but what for and with whom?

Guess time will tell!

Good luck!

64fleet posted 6/7/2010 11:25 AM

that's the tough thing about liars-how do you know they have quit lying?

hard for me ta tell...

betrayed1012 posted 6/7/2010 11:32 AM

I wish I could really answer this. My WW never did anything to regain my trust or accept responsiblity.

What would it have taken? For her to end it and have NC. For her to admit it was a mistake, that it was her's and I didn't cause it. (I'll accept responsibility for marriage issues, not the affair) For her to earn my trust by being honest and open again. For her to be the woman I married again. I don't know the person that looks like my wife now.

Alex1 posted 6/7/2010 13:01 PM

What would it have taken? For her to end it and have NC. For her to admit it was a mistake, that it was her's and I didn't cause it. (I'll accept responsibility for marriage issues, not the affair) For her to earn my trust by being honest and open again. For her to be the woman I married again

My FWW has done all of these things but it's still not enough. So maybe it doesn't matter, what's done is done and one will always find a problem even if the WS does *everything* right.

Having said all that, I find myself trusting her again inch by inch. WHo knows, at this rate maybe sometime in 2020 I might not suspect her anymore_

oftenwrong posted 6/7/2010 13:21 PM

My first love cheated on me almost 20 years ago. I loved her so deeply, I thought I could never love someone again.

Even after all of this time, I wouldn't have respect for her.

I will tell future SO's the same thing I told former cheaters.

"Do you really believe I would ever accept you back after another man's D*ck has been inside of you?"

Sorry but my anger sustains me eternally.


[This message edited by oftenwrong at 1:22 PM, June 7th (Monday)]

Tim3167 posted 6/9/2010 13:42 PM

For myself I feel that there are so many layers involved as far as how I see my wife post affair.

In the above post I think there is a lot of this concept of the wife who is tainted forever because another man was in places that should only be reserved for a husband. Sometimes it feels like our wives are like that money stolen from a bank with the red dye packet exploded. Like everywhere he touched is tainted. I struggle with this at times too but I look at her and intellectually know that this isn't true. For me I feel those thoughts are my ego and maybe my masculinity talking. I love my wife and would lose so much if I left because of such a guttural emotion.

Another side of how I see my wife now is trying to understand who she really is. I'm lucky to have a wife who has really tried to do the work to repair the marriage and herself but as has been said, there has been damage done and even perfect actions now can't undo some of what an affair causes between two people.

I'm 2 and a half years out and I'm still working on really understanding who she is. Her affair at times has the effect on my vision of who she is now in a way that looking at the sun leaves powerful spots in my vision for a time afterwards. I see how she really is different but it can sometimes be hard to see because of those "sunspots".

She was a flawed and selfish person who made some horrific choices that I have to deal with whether or not I stay married to her. I do try to see her though in a more complete outlook though, which includes the bad as well as the good since.

I guess what I was trying to get across to those who feel that feeling of tainted wives is there is no red dye packet.......

virtualv posted 6/11/2010 18:29 PM

I think I respect my WW for the hard work she has been doing since her A. Its not easy to fundamentally change yourself. Alot of WS will simply leave/D.

So respect is there.

But I do feel like when she gives others R advice or talks badly about other people. What a joke is that?

She was, like with some of you, very willing to tell her friends and family before and during her A how to work in a marriage and be a good spouse.

I find that really hard to deal with. How can you be THAT good at lying? Its scary and i think i will always have a wall around myself to protect me from her. Because i really trusted her 100%. I dont think i ever will, but its still early days since latest A.

[This message edited by virtualv at 6:32 PM, June 11th (Friday)]

brokenheart59 posted 6/13/2010 10:11 AM

Wow like a lot of the WW's here mine was abused as a child and said for a long time she felt like if she caused a man to get excited she had to take care of him. We talked about this before we got married and she said she did not feel that way any more that she had dealt with it. But in reality she had not because after we had been married for 4 years she allowed herself to get to close to 2 different men she worked with and then started an affair with both. That was 15 yrs ago it ended when she was fired she did not end it. Since that time there was one other kissing and touching and numerous EA's the most recent EA was in Jan of this year. I have no respect or trust at this time and don't know if I ever will again.

deeppurple posted 7/4/2010 23:46 PM

I havent lost respect for her but she has lost my trust & I've lost faith in the goodness of people.

Interestly she never watches the news - the only time she decided to watch it they were announcing Tigers divorce settlement. It was a trigger for me & I left the room.

inittotheend posted 7/5/2010 00:22 AM

Well, my 1st dday was 25 yrs ago and i still don't trust her. I am 99% sure she did it again 7 yrs ago. But hey, maybe that's b/c I don't trust her. As for respect, sure for all sorts of external things. Respect for who she is as opposed to what I thought she was, never gonna happen.

foxrider522 posted 7/17/2010 18:05 PM

Soul Dreamer:

wow..... Isn't that the truth. The lose of trust and respect is huge, but the lose of having "that ONE person" that has always been on your side and 'the knowing' that they always would....... Loosing that.......that betrayal may be worse than all the other failures, broken committments, promises etc....... Thank you.

SELI550 posted 7/23/2010 04:20 AM

Wow!! I see so many guys on here who I can identify with and share my feelings exactly. Trust and loyalty are everything in a marriage with love being in there somewhare. The trouble with "love" is that it seems that a cheating spouse can "love her husband", but still go out and sleep with another man that they don't love. I feel like such a sucker for not catching the signs of her infidelity (it was done right under my nose" or even questioning her as to why she had become so verbally and emotionally abusive during her affair (with her boss who was also married). That...and her not being there one iota during the period I was diagnosed with cancer and the brutal treatments that followed. Loyalty, trust, love...not there!!! Now, 14 months later since D-Day she has convinced herself that it was all "his" fault and she was victimized. Bullshit!!! I almost fell for that one and became an idiot again, but miraculously woke up and saw her lies for what they were and made the decision that I wanted out. So my friends, after a couple of upcoming family member birthdays and event are through, She gets nuked and the divorce proceedings will begin. She will probably never understand why I can't stay, but I no longer care what she thinks. I gave her a wonderful life, truly loved her almost in a romance novel way, and never turned my back on her, ever. How stupid was I??? Ok, I'm a little jacked up right now and rambling, but it does feel soooo good to have finally freed myself from the terrible pain she inflicted and now it is her turn to be tossed in the trash bin.

SELI550 posted 7/23/2010 04:21 AM

Wow!! I see so many guys on here who I can identify with and share my feelings exactly. Trust and loyalty are everything in a marriage with love being in there somewhare. The trouble with "love" is that it seems that a cheating spouse can "love her husband", but still go out and sleep with another man that they don't love. I feel like such a sucker for not catching the signs of her infidelity (it was done right under my nose" or even questioning her as to why she had become so verbally and emotionally abusive during her affair (with her boss who was also married). That...and her not being there one iota during the period I was diagnosed with cancer and the brutal treatments that followed. Loyalty, trust, love...not there!!! Now, 14 months later since D-Day she has convinced herself that it was all "his" fault and she was victimized. Bullshit!!! I almost fell for that one and became an idiot again, but miraculously woke up and saw her lies for what they were and made the decision that I wanted out. So my friends, after a couple of upcoming family member birthdays and event are through, She gets nuked and the divorce proceedings will begin. She will probably never understand why I can't stay, but I no longer care what she thinks. I gave her a wonderful life, truly loved her almost in a romance novel way, and never turned my back on her, ever. How stupid was I??? Ok, I'm a little jacked up right now and rambling, but it does feel soooo good to have finally freed myself from the terrible pain she inflicted and now it is her turn to be tossed in the trash bin.

RKT429SS posted 7/23/2010 07:25 AM

A lot of negativity here which is understandable, so lets see if I can help. Chew me up and spit me out if you think i'm off base.

4 Months out. No respect as of now. HOWEVER, let me provide two approaches I’m taking to build that respect up (granted under my circumstances) and hopefully that will help others.

1) I was an asshole, uncommunicative and hows this for irony…disrespectful to her. Yeah, I know we are not supposed to blame ourselves. But me placing at least some of the blame on me helps ‘rationalize’ it and therefore in an f’d up fashion puts some respect back in place.
2) We are in R and although trust is still shaky, she is trying. Trying really frickin hard and I see that.

So for those of you struggling, my approach is to at least give the WW respect on these two fronts (again, if they are applicable to your situation). Never will the respect come fully back, but at least it will come damn close.

I think respect can be recognized in portions, for lack of a better word. It isn’t a binary, ‘go-no-go’ thing. This angle I’m taking is the only way I can at least get some solace regarding the respect issue.

Keep your head up guys.

oftenwrong posted 7/23/2010 11:49 AM

As each day passes, she becomes dirtier and and dirtier in my eyes.

The idea of another man's penis and semen in her turns my stomache so much, only total amnesia from a club to the head will make me forgive or forget.

I can imagine forgiving your WW's would be the hardest thing to do in your life. I could NEVER, EVER EVER see myself doing so.


WhiteCarrera posted 7/23/2010 23:45 PM

I am in soooo much agreement with many of you. Since our D-day, my wife has been 100% remorseful and transparent, and yet it's still so hard to trust. I feel like I'm still vulnerable to being made a fool again. How do I ever really know if she's being upfront, or just giving me what I want? The other guy had pretty much blown her off and ended things on his own accord when I found out, so I can't really know if her remorse is honest or just convenient as her other option is gone anyway.

It was one night of sex, followed by her trying to contact him for six weeks, then he reached out and they met to talk and "seal the coffin". I have no way of knowing what her reactions would have been if he had been open to continuing, and so I'm constantly in doubt.

She says she has always loved me, that it was just a single mistake, and that she has always been 100% regretful -- and yet I know it was six weeks of her choices. Now, when she tells me she loves me, she expects that to help, but it hardly means a thing, since she claims that she loved me at that time. So what's the point? Her loving me wasn't a deterrent then, so why should that make me feel good now?

64fleet posted 8/5/2010 09:45 AM

Now, when she tells me she loves me, she expects that to help, but it hardly means a thing, since she claims that she loved me at that time. So what's the point? Her loving me wasn't a deterrent then, so why should that make me feel good now?

I get & got the same shit, the same ILY I heard, then she would call OMM the second I hung up.

just words to make them feel better, IMO.

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