Thanks to all those folks who posted to my replies six years ago.
I used to be so proud of my wife and our relationship! I respected her so much! we got married at 20 years old and it was the coolest thing in the world for me when we were asked how long we've been married!?!? we both grew up with the same friends and everybody always commented how perfect we were together. now that same question has turned from such pride to the worst trigger!!! worst thing about it is outside i am happy and smiles...inside i wonder if i can ever look at her the way i used to be able to???
It was almost as if I typed this myself. I have faith that the specialness of our marriage and relationship will return someday.
I'm about 4 years and 4 months from DDay. Since that time I have not gained back any significant level of respect for her as a person, and particularly little as a spouse. Oddly, this doesn't seem to have any impact on her at all. She's cheerful at times, seems very pleasant even, and contented. She complains about work, wants to plan vacations, tells a funny story or even asked my opinions on politics or sports.
It's a horrible relationship. It's like we are pretending everything is cool, yet we are at opposite ends of the house. I'm jealous of those men who say, and mean, that they are proud of their wife or who celebrate their success in life and attribute it to the love and support of their good woman. I can't do that, ever, again. And that frustrates me because I only agreed to R when my wife begged and pleaded for me to give her the chance to prove her love and commitment. I have, and she didn't.
I had such a wonderful feeling about my WW, our life together, myself, etc. So much confidence, respect, adoration, feelings of trulybeing madly in love with the mother of my three sons. Now? Nothingness. The only true feeling is pain and the burning desire to D her once and for all and leave her with herself.
I am holding on out the fear of being a part time father and losing half my money and my home and living like a college kid in some shitty apartment at 40 years old.
Is she acting better? Absolutely now that she hasn't drank in 5 months and is on a cocktail of bipolar medications, but it just doesn't fucking matter anymore. She destroyed everything I had for her. Everything.
A full blown EA and PA 3 years ago followed by a FR, than a ONS blowjob with a stranger in a bar parking lot, and years of sending explict photos of herself to ex boyfriends through her phone everytime she drank and i wasn't present.
I find her pathetic. I find her repulsive at times. At first I kept fucking her (that is all it has been since DDay) to meet my male needs, but now I don't even want to do that.
I could care less about her brokeness, her mental illness, her Daddy issues or need for male attention to feel validated. I could care the fuck less. After 8 years and nothing but pure agony, my love dies more and more everyday I think about all she's done, and I regret allowing her the chance to prove anything to me after she was caught yet again and then diagnosed as BP2, ADHS and alcoholic. Not my problem. She destoyed my soul, my faith, my love, my respect, my self esteem, our family, everything..for "vali-fucking-dation". Go suck another stranger's dick and swallow for him you twat and lemme know how validating it is for you to feel like the fucking whore you love to be.
Meds to be "normal"? Gimme a break. Meds are preventing you from being what you really are; a lying, cheating, worthless, lost, broken piece of cheating shit.
How's that for regaining trust and respect?
She has given minimal acknowledgement that what she did was wrong (Year long emotional and physical affair with a friends neighbor). She has given occasional hints of some possibility of reconciliation but I want nothing to do with her. She has become broken, dysfunctional, corrupt, and quite comfortable with total dishonesty. She has become a toxic entity surrounded by her equally toxic and corrupt "friends" from which she gets validation for all her shitty decisions and behavior. Their collective mantra is being irresponsible, uncommitted, and full of excuses.
But, she is the mother of my two children and therefore I am forced to have a relationship with her in that sense. As I stated, I will be civil and tolerant but there will never be any respect. There can never be respect for someone who was doing a wrong to someone that they were fully aware they would never, ever, want done to themself. She created lies and deceptions that relied on the unquestioned trust I had in her and played on the hopes of mine and our children of ever having a happy, unified family. She knowingly and willfully killed that for the empty bullshitting of a POS that preys on damaged women and has not one bit of obligation towards her or her two children. Respecting her would mean, to a degree, compromising my values with her and I simply will not do that. She has demonstrated clearly what her values are - and they are the values of an immoral lying shitbag. She clings to denial, defensiveness, and deluding herself. She lives a lie and at some point it will begin to affect her relationship with our two children.
I believe in, and have lived an authentic life and that means living honestly and true to my myself, my values, and my word. I will continue to do so and that means respecting what earns and deserves respect. Nothing else.
[This message edited by keptmyword at 7:01 PM, August 27th (Monday)]
Never felt she was a whore (being paid for sex act)...although there was activity at work during work hours so technically??...
But certainly struggled with feelings that she was a slut...behaved like one...and got treated like one...
14 mths out... incremental gains daily...but dunno how long until that battery is fully recharged....
My wife only had two sexual encounters with her AP. First was sex, that for all intents and purposes could be constituted as sexual assault. And regardless, even if it was a full blown "take me now" fuckfest I could somehow deal with that.
It's her paying money to take a cab to meet him early one morning for the express purpose of giving him a blow job in the back of his van that fucking kills me. It's what destroyed absolutely all of my respect for her. And why do it? "Because I wanted him to like me and didn't want to upset him". It would be one thing if she actually wanted to, but she didn't. That just makes it worse. Especially knowing after, and believing, the guy meant nothing to her and was no one special.
You've only ever been with me, yet seemingly have no problem doing that for him in the back of his van (where his kids sit, come on!) on your knees like a common slut? Just to make some 20 year older guy who is using you and you barely know like you, at the expense of your life, family and own dignity? You degrade yourself and throw everything away to make a guy you barely see like you? Hard to find any respect for that.
I'm proud of how far she's come, but I don't know if I ever can get passed that mentally enough to respect her again. At least like I did. I even acknowledge she was fucked in the head, not thinking clearly and was pretty much having a mental breakdown. Yet still, the moment the thought comes to mind I'm disgusted by it no matter how much I lay out the facts. Its easy enough to be logical and think one thing, a lot more difficult to feel that way. Time will tell. I want to at least, just not sure if I can.
Surrender to the truth of life.
I'm still in the early stages, but I really connect with 2cooldaughters statement of:
I'm jealous of those men who say, and mean, that they are proud of their wife or who celebrate their success in life and attribute it to the love and support of their good woman.
I haven't been able to say that about my WW for many years and even though she's trying now, I can't see how I'll ever accept it or re-learn how to respect her. It sucks so bad to remember there was a time long ago where it felt so damn good to be proud of her.
I am proud she quit drinking. No more driving drunk w/my kids. Woo-hoo!
I often tell my WW that she ruined 3 speeches I have yet to give but have always planned and thought of: 1. My daughter and son's wedding speech
2. My retirement speech
3. The speech I wanted read at my funeral.
My STBXW = Hampton Inn Whore.
Her new name.
..just read the last 2 pages.. i'm 3.5 years out from D-Day#2, or is it 3???
..brought up a lot of past emotions
..i can respect her for many things, but 'telling the truth' ain't one of them!
..40 years, i lived in a total lie, about her and my bfOM.. my whole adult life has been a mirage.
..'friend' and 'respect' are 2 words i don't use much lately.
..they both gave me ZERO respect for nearly 20 years..
..i know she would like mine now!
..we're still working on it.
so, didn't she know she was throwing all of hers away each and every time she put his cock in her mouth???
..what the fuck was she thinkin' ????
I am happy though not because of my marriage more like inspite of it.
I saved the kids a boatload of misery staying and being subjected to a borderline woman in my wife.
respect ... gone. She does not respect me enough and never did anything to earn me back.
I hate to say it but at this point my respect is so low for wife I simply view her as an egg donor for my children and nothing more.
They are turning 13 and 16 in the next weeks, and I'm so proud. A lot has changed in their lives since 2008. Celebrated soccer and volleyball athletes, youngest just inducted into the Junior Beta Club, oldest competing for top class academic honors and soon getting her first car. They are delightful and lovely young women now. So I'm glad I stayed around to see them every day and every night. They wouldn't be where they are without me in their lives, and I know that.
As far as their mother and I are concerned, there's just not much to say. She says she isn't happy with the way things are, wants us to be close, wants to be normal, and wants to forget what she did. She wants me to forget it ever happened, and love her like I used to.
I can't respect that.
I don't know. When I think about her giving a BJ to her AP in his truck, it absolutely disgusts me. Sometimes, she still feels special to me. Other times, not so much.
What he said ^^^
Two months out I'm disappointed at my WW's lack of judgment. We had a good life. She says so and is trying to stay.
If you have a good thing -- a person that you treasure -- why risk losing it over something do dumb?
Why inflict years -- maybe a lifetime of pain on someone who's so devoted to you.
I, too, hope I'll stop thinking about those things and be able to one day look at her and feel proud again.
I did the other day, it lasted a split second. I think there's hope.
After only two months, I look at her with disappointment. So much disappointment. More than any other feeling.