Two months out I'm disappointed at my WW's lack of judgment. We had a good life. She says so and is trying to stay.
"Look, as sentient meat, however illusory our identities are, we craft those identities by making value judgments. Everybody judges, all the time. Now, you got a problem with that, you’re living wrong."
If you have a good thing -- a person that you treasure -- why risk losing it over something do dumb?
Why inflict years -- maybe a lifetime of pain on someone who's so devoted to you.
Why inflict years -- maybe a lifetime of pain on someone who's so devoted to you.
What he said.
I'm also outraged, because during the A-ish time period, as well as a while before that, my wife basically threw me under the bus in terms of my quality as a husband to everyone we knew.
What he said, too.
17 years of marriage betrayed for nothing more than a quick "fix" to whatever it is that is broken inside of her.
Her tears flow like a river (where were her tears for me, when I was being betrayed over and over again?). She cries and begs me for reconciliation. We're in MC, she's in IC, and I guess you could say we're trying to R.
Respect for her? Not even close. Not any time soon, if ever.
Her choice. Sadly.
[This message edited by Sal1995 at 6:40 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]
She appears to be making an effort now (although thats mostly just to move on, and not accept the past) and has cut off links with 'him'. But, I cant ignore or change the past, and I cant just forget what she did. At this point, I really cant imagine ever getting to a point where I respect or trust her again, and that scares me more than anything else that I have been through.
I love and respect her greatly now. She wasn't very remorseful, or transparent, or a lot of things WWs are supposed to be to help their BH heal, and it took me a lot longer to get here than it should have.
What she did do was end the A and pour her energy into more productive things. Great career, good mom, and at 61, looks better than half the 40 year-old's out there.
But, do I trust her? Yeah, about 90%. I will never, ever trust anybody or anything 100% ever again. Not even myself.
Everyone here spells it out very bluntly.
I have to admit that I am in the same place as you Sal1995. WW threw any respect from me out the window when she decided to disrespect me by f***ing several other men during our marriage.
Life sucks and blows.......unfortunately, so does my two-timing ho of a wife.
[This message edited by FacePunched at 8:43 AM, September 5th, 2013 (Thursday)]
I asked her if our divorce will have a bearing on the children...cricket, cricket...
Nothing to say to that. When I burst her Bullshiite bubble she either blows up or shuts down.
I used to get upset about both. Now I prefer she shuts down (and goes away).
At almost 4 years out I feel that I have healed my hurts, accept that what happened, happened, and we have been working on R-ing the M for the last year or so. FWW has addressed all of her A-related crap, and is working on her issues. I like her, and we have fun together.
My problem is I do not feel much respect for her. I used to be proud to be M'd to her, and proud of her accomplishments. Now; not so much. The endearing little things of her personality have become neediness or incompetency. She has had trouble with employment since dday, and unemployed for the last 10 months. She no longer looks beautiful, some is her aging, some is stress and depression since dday, some I think is me. While she is much better than before and immediately after dday, she strikes me as more a victim than in control of her life. When I think about talking about her I found myself thinking of excuses for her rather than bragging on her.
I am thinking the secret to my respect for her is based on me, not her changing or being different, so where do I start?
My problem is I do not feel much respect for her. I used to be proud to be M'd to her, and proud of her accomplishments. Now; not so much. The endearing little things of her personality have become neediness or incompetency.
This is exactly where I'm stuck as well. My W and I can spend time together, we get along, we don't really fight, we still have sex (and actually - sex has been more exciting lately then it has been in years), but I have a hard time respecting her. I almost look down at her, in a way. I used to be proud to have her as my W, I use to share in her accomplishments. Now she just comes across as a shallow, needy person and I really can't find many things about her that are endearing. She still very attractive, but I think my loss of respect for her has left me unable to fully appreciate her physical beauty because she is missing that internal beauty. She's just not a beautiful person to me anymore.
It's hard to find the person who broke your heart and opened their legs for another man beautiful, no matter how good their physical looks.
She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.
[This message edited by Alex1 at 10:03 PM, September 27th (Friday)]
I think over the years I found new things to respect her and be proud of her for. Acceptance is a big thing.
There are things that happen in life that don't turn out the way we expect or dream of. We adapt to those instances to make them the best we can for us. I believe that's what happened in our situation. I adapted to figure out how to move on and grow. Unfortunately, yes, I did still wind up with some triggers that I was unable to control, but I am learning to deal with those as well in the best possible way for me.
Hope this makes sense some how.
[This message edited by fireguy87 at 2:11 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]
Things could be a hellava lot worse but far from the safe, satisfying and nurturing M one dreams of.
For me this has a lot to do with it. If I could get back to (or at least closer to) the M of my dreams or the one I thought we had, respect would be easier to reestablish.
I struggle with this constantly. Acceptance may allow you the personal foundation to rebuild your respect. However, respect is earned through actions. Does she deserve your respect? For me the sum of her actions most often falls short. A common pattern in our M is she makes small steps towards winning my respect. But if I step back, look around and take the blinders off, I am reminded we are damaged goods and always will be. Can I accept this condition? The whole package of family, kids, lifestyle and convenience outweighs the benefits of D. For now. But as I get older perhaps I will learn to accept this severely compromised situation. Things could be a hellava lot worse but far from the safe, satisfying and nurturing M one dreams of. I dream of waiting till the kids are gone and then rebooting (her to the curb) and me to a new life. This fantasy may just be what I tell myself to avoid feeling like a sucker for staying in the M. But today is when we live and life is fleeting.
Hang in there brother.
Geez, Alex, I could have written that. But I'm only three months out.
So is that it? Is this our life now? "Easier" because of the kids, the lifestyle, the house and so on? Do we just muddle through, never really happy? I tell my wife all the time that I think of that old Ann Landers question, where she would ask the people who wrote to her "will you be happier with them, or without them?" Right now my answer seems to be "neither." I'm sad that like you said I'm not going to have that marriage I thought I had, or thought I deserved. Sad that if I decide to end the marriage I lose all the other things that go with it. Daily access to the kids, the big house with the nice backyard, the lifestyle I've worked hard to provide for everyone, including myself. Is that a fair trade-off? Nice lifestyle, but a wife that you can't really respect because she thought that solving her problems involved screwing other guys? You dream of kicking her to the curb once the kids are gone… my youngest is four. Do I wait a decade and a half until I take my shot at true happiness again? Or do I owe it to her, and her two brothers, to at the very least try with my wife? Fake it until I maybe make it? What if the wife decides she "deserves" better than somebody who can't forgive and/or respect her and SHE kicks me to the curb? How humiliating would that be??
[This message edited by Montreal at 9:02 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]
do I owe it to her, and her two brothers, to at the very least try with my wife? Fake it until I maybe make it? What if the wife decides she "deserves" better than somebody who can't forgive and/or respect her and SHE kicks me to the curb? How humiliating would that be??
In the bigger picture of raising your kids and maintaining a lifestyle humiliation needs to be kept in check. Sure, I feel deeply humiliated by this whole mess -and so does my wife.
In the heat of this crap it's easy to confuse self respect with pride.
There is no humiliation in providing for and raising your kids and no humiliation in trying to forgive and turn the other cheek. Ego and pride have a different opinion on this.
Could they, would they cheat us on us again? Maybe, but even if we highly doubted it we are destined to life of keeping our guard up. As GWB famously said "fool me once, shame on...you... you fool -you can't get fooled again".()
As our 4 year antiversary approaches I find myself freezing her out, being distant and indifferent even though she is being kind and considerate. I am creating the exact circumstances that allowed her to stray to begin with. What's up with that?
I believe she chose the whole package of our life over the OM. I believe that if it were exclusively between the OM and I she would have made a different choice. She says to the contrary but I stopped believing her a long time ago.
At times life is pretty great for us...
And around it goes... ()
[This message edited by Alex1 at 1:44 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]