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User Topic: Men only- Timeline for gaining respect to fww ?
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the insights Alex.

My issue used to be how infrequently we had sex. Now I find it worrisome that I think I am ok if we don't have sex anymore. They oft quoted timeline is 2 - 5 years and I am at 4. Maybe this year will be the miracle.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Alex1
♂ Member
Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My issue used to be how infrequently we had sex. Now I find it worrisome that I think I am ok if we don't have sex anymore. They oft quoted timeline is 2 - 5 years and I am at 4. Maybe this year will be the miracle.

You read my mind on this one verbatim Ats, as usual.
While I am still very attracted to my W the whole procedure of sex has become a chore and loaded with the unspoken tension of an audition.
Trust is still an issue for me and I guess it will be for the foreseeable future. The one year left of the 5 might do the trick and does not seem impossible. There is light at the end of the tunnel... I think. She is drained and in pain living under these consequences and feels adrift. We both do. It's like we are lost at sea and clinging to separate bits of debris, staring across the void at each other wondering if the current will wash us ashore our out to sea.
But we are still here and there are flashes of intimacy and hope.
Thank you Ats. See you in a year Amigo...


Posts: 201 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice hearing from you again Alex1. When I look at the old posts I can see we both have made progress in our R (even in just still being in the game). I wonder if I need to quit moving the goal post and then maybe I can mark up some points rather than the continued 3rd and long situations?

I will look for you next year on our 5 year.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may not be qualified to comment as I never did regain full respect for XWW which is why we are divorced. However, it is not strictly due to her cheating, the images of her riding another man, the lingerie she bought to wear for him, etc. All of that was bad, but I think we could have worked through it.

I could never get past the craziness she put me through. The things she blamed me for; the way she turned DD against me; the lies she told friends and family; the terrible decisions she made or the torment she brought. It is a shame because I did love her and still care about her. She can be a very wonderful person. But she lost her mind for a period of time and is too proud and blind to ever be remorseful. It would have been painful but I could have gotten over her spreading her legs. But the insanity that ensued was nearly too much for me to bear.


Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
Alex1
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Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if I need to quit moving the goal post and then maybe I can mark up some points rather than the continued 3rd and long situations?

That is the question Ats.. Whether tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against this sea of troubles, and end the bullshit.

Is lowering our expectations and dreams and settling in quasi comfort too much of a compromise?
At the end of my life will I feel it was the right choice? For our family? probably. For myself? Probably not.
For me there is no clear answer. Ambivalence is king and we are grounding and pounding and running out the clock.
Hail Mary time?
Who's gonna catch the ball?
Sorry if this is too cryptic but I remain confused.


Posts: 201 | Registered: Nov 2009
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could never get past the craziness she put me through. The things she blamed me for; the way she turned DD against me; the lies she told friends and family; the terrible decisions she made or the torment she brought.

At 8 months I feel the respect coming back slowly, but only because my wife is working hard to regain it. Putting the sex with another man aside, it wouldn't be possible if she was carrying on like Leopold's wife. She does slip up every once in awhile (leading to my rant on BM 14 from a week ago), but for the most part she's all-in...now. Finally.

The extramarital sex really sucks. But we're all adults here, sex is part of life, most of our WWs weren't virgins when we met them. It sucks but most of us can get over that I think. It's all the craziness and the lies and the treachery that surrounds that behavior that's the real R killer IMO.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 10:47 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Alex1
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Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping this up in an effort to gage progress out there. Things for me are pretty much the same. FWW tries and means well but she is passive by nature thus she it's not in her nature ti initiate much of anything. Sex life is minimal. I do not suspect her of any inappropriate behavior. However, I do not trust her much, will not believe her at face value and have little respect for her. She is a kind person, a loving, fun and attentive mother and beautiful. Neither of us want to divorce, mainly for the kids, the lifestyle, the package. The marriage sucks. We have nice moments often but the stink of it all just won't wash out. A day doesn't go by when the names of her OMs don't cross my mind. I will not get over it. But I accept it and do my best to keep bitterness from devouring me.
Things can change so fast. One minute I know I want out, we both do. Then we will talk and both feel we will be together forever.
Being a grown up sucks
Happy new year and may 2014 be your best year to date.

Posts: 201 | Registered: Nov 2009
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

alex, I could have written your post-6 yrs last month for me. We get along OK but like you, I still just don't trust her, probably won't. Its a stink which won't wash off.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5397 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Normally I dont post in here.

Not even sure why I looked in. But the 2 to 5 year thing caught me. Again.

So. If the WS does NOTHING for 5 years or continues to lie. blame. and TT for that same 5 years. Were supposed to be healed?

It is NOT the number of years. But what happens during those years that matters.

As for respect for WW? Phsst. Not happening. Still hiding things. Still poor boundaries with men at work. Which is why I don't normally post here.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine still hides plenty too Razor. Leopard can't change their spots, you know.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5397 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Justgreatnews
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Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loss of respect seems to be the theme of the thread. Same here.

Loss is the key word. I have the most tremendous sense of loss. I will never look at her the same again. As I told her, she took what was most important to me and gave it away.

I've also told her I have no idea if I will ever forgive her; ours is a strange story. Found out 5 weeks ago she had an affair 20 years ago. What a fucking kick in the head. Every memory evoked will be played against the timeline of her betrayal.

I don't subscribe to the belief that forgiveness is a given if the wife repents. If someone wants to believe adultery is unforgivable, they have that right.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Alex1,

I sure wish that one of us would figure out the alchemy to make a silk purse from the sow's ear.

FWW tries and means well but she is passive by nature thus she it's not in her nature ti initiate much of anything.

check
Sex life is minimal.

check
I do not suspect her of any inappropriate behavior.

check
have little respect for her.

check
She is a kind person, a loving, fun and attentive mother
.
mostly check

I am past the A-crap and her TT, it is really the lack of respect I feel for her. I have a project I am trying over the next few months that is based all on me and my perceptions to see if I can turn this thing around. If not, I will officially give up on R and wait until the kids are through school.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Alex1
♂ Member
Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am past the A-crap and her TT, it is really the lack of respect I feel for her. I have a project I am trying over the next few months that is based all on me and my perceptions to see if I can turn this thing around. If not, I will officially give up on R and wait until the kids are through school.

I'd love to hear of your project. If at any time you want to share it or have another take a shot at working the strategy let me know.

The lack of sex used to bother me and I am still quite attracted to her. However recently on the rare occasion that we have sex it lacks, uh, just about everything that makes sex good.

I'll stay for the kids and perhaps between now and then we will turn the corner, one way or the other...
Happy New Year!


Posts: 201 | Registered: Nov 2009
eeyore
♂ New Member
Member # 17178
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just over 6 years out now. I find myself lurking around here when I'm down. Today just happened to be a down day for me and here I am. Nice post on pg 10 WAL- should be required reading

I have always wanted to *know* how long it took other to get to a place where they could cope with the A. I had heard the 5 year mark was a good milestone, more or less. I guess I have been waiting for my bolt of lightening.

My fWW did all the right things after DDay, but "acceptance" is a relative term. I would say I still feel the burn of the old injury nearly everyday, certainly more days than not. I trigger less and it is less intense when I do, but I still feel a gnawing dissatisfaction with my M. Not enough to leave, but enough to be not what I want for my life.

I still love my fWW, even if I'm not "in love" or even "in like" with her some days. Leaving isn't an option because of the litany of reasons we all have that keep us where we are. But I still want more-but I've given up on a time machine.

I've come to accept that that gnawing feeling isn't going to go away with time or be addressed by fWW because she doesn't feel it. She is happy as a pig in mud. While I lost chunks of myself in the A(s), she gained the motivation to change herself for the better. The growth she has had is all for the better. While I gained a better human being as a partner, I am a more broken man for it.

This wasn't the deal I made when I got married.

I find myself wondering how to be good to myself, my wife, and my kids. I could give a crap about sex with her. I prefer p0rn, no emotional pain there. We are much better communicators and better on a day to day. But I still look at her warily when she is out a little later than I expect. Our friends all think our marriage is just peachy, even the ones who know about the A's. All of my wife's girlfriends think we must be so strong because we were able to make it through that. What bullshit. We made it through because I was unwilling to be a 1/2 time dad.

IMO, the scars for the wayward heal much faster and more completely than the scars for the betrayed. There is just less to the wound to begin with.

*edited for big clumsy fingers

[This message edited by eeyore at 7:33 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]


To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. -T. Paine


Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: USA
Alex1
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Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow eeyore,

I am a little over 4 years out and feel that I could have written your post verbatim. Jeez, this sucks. I also suspect that the best I can hope for is a tolerable marriage. Whoop-dee-doo.

Still, others have it worse.


Posts: 201 | Registered: Nov 2009
eeyore
♂ New Member
Member # 17178
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ alex1

I think the kicker for me is that I realize that I am the only that really has a problem now. My own lingering issues from the events of the past are all that really remains to effect the present (and future). And then you realize how nucking futs you sound to anyone you try to explain it to.

"I know I'm screwed up, but I'm screwed up because of you!....No there's not anything you can do to fix it now. I know you are sorry.... Please stop crying....It will be okay. We'll make it through this." -and I'm still hurt, but angry at myself now for making her sad. And then I get angry at her for me getting angry at myself for something that she did. (I can Venn diagram this for you)

I also find myself still having strong violent urges towards all those involved that *wronged* me-fww included; equality and all. It doesn't help that I have to see OM2 every so often (weddings, random get togethers, etc) as he is in our extended circle of friends. I really don't think that those feelings are anywhere near healthy anymore.

I recently caught one of those "death row" prison shown on discovery or whatever the other day and this guy who had spent countless years on death row was talking about his personal feelings of hate. His point was that the people he hated couldn't give 2 poops about him and he was expanding all this energy on hating them and it effected them zilch. "It is like you drinking poison to kill that person waaaaayyyy over there." Simple way of saying it.

Seems like we are in a similar boat, from your earlier posts

[This message edited by eeyore at 8:18 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]


To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead. -T. Paine


Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: USA
Alex1
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Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eeyore,
The lonely burden of living with one-way anger can eat away at you like a cancer. Try to focus on living in the present. Yeah, it's like living with blinders on and every so often I feel like a chump and that the joke is on me. However, it's my ego talking. Self respect and pride are not the same thing. We must accept and move on (what other choice is there?).

Isn't there a way you can delete the POS OM2 from your social life? The thought of having to see the MF makes my blood boil.
Though I have never seen them, the POSOM's live near by. Often times I need to drive by their residences. This used to fill me with the poisoning rage and there were times when I staked them out with dubious intent. As luck would have it no opportunities presented themselves and nothing happened. Now the drive bys cause little more than a disgusted sigh.

Life goes on. Find your joy in the moment. Count your blessings not your misfortunes. We have this one life. Why waste in on one way rage? For who cares? Like you said its like drinking long distance poison.
Good luck!


Posts: 201 | Registered: Nov 2009
MindMonkey
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Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've come to accept that that gnawing feeling isn't going to go away with time or be addressed by fWW because she doesn't feel it. She is happy as a pig in mud. While I lost chunks of myself in the A(s), she gained the motivation to change herself for the better. The growth she has had is all for the better. While I gained a better human being as a partner, I am a more broken man for it.

I'm only 6 MONTHS out and feel that same way. I know it's too early to say our marriage is recovered but if I'm still going to feel that way in 6 YEARS (or always), I guess I should just say "Mission Complete".

It sort of bugs me after going down on FWW and giving her a power orgasm how happy I make her... all the while with a black scar on my heart she's okay with not noticing.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, eeyore lots in common-my dday was nov 23 2007.

I still feel a gnawing dissatisfaction with my M. Not enough to leave, but enough to be not what I want for my life.

I know I lowered my expectations, and it has helped. Mine has not done what should be required, but I think she has maintained NC(but I no longer care to check up)-IMO that's the bare minimum.

All of my wife's girlfriends think we must be so strong because we were able to make it through that. What bullshit. We made it through because I was unwilling to be a 1/2 time dad.

same here, she was even telling her niece last week how "we made it"-her niece is a BW heading for D.

Try to live in the day, and concentrate on what she does right.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5397 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try to live in the day, and concentrate on what she does right.

Damn, acceptance is hard.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

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