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Men only - Timeline to regain respect for FWW?

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Uhtred posted 2/7/2014 16:51 PM


I'm doing ok and getting weaned off the meds. I got hooked on pain pills when I had my finger cut off from punching the other mans fucking lights outs. I'm working with a pain management and having my dose reduced every month.

I never thought I'd get hooked on something like this but Hydrocodone is a mother fucker. I guess I just liked being high all the time while I was dealing with all this bullshit that my wife dumped on me. The doctor kept prescribing and I kept gobbling them up. I'm not in any physical pain at all. I'm just about kicked off of them. How have you been buddy?

Ascendant posted 3/3/2014 21:04 PM

Timeline Check-in: 1 year, 2 months since DDAY.

I still go from feeling ambivalent to loving with regards to my wife. It's not quite a "roller coaster" anymore. It's more like the plain of lethal flatness...but not quite. I don't feel 'flat', per se...well, not all of the time, anyway. I feel flat, punctuated by brief moments of getting my ass out of the mud long enough to gaze at the stars.

It's helped that she has not, even once, tried to pin the affair on me since about 2 days since DDAY.

Also, that she became proactive in fixing her shit. She has been doing IC since about a month out, but I feel like she's really been making some serious progress in the last few months. She comes home eager to talk about it.

As far as the 'proper' subject of this thread, respect?

I don't know. It's still compartmentalized to the different aspects of my wife's personality. The longer I'm involved with, and thinking about, the topic of Wayward Wives and infidelity, I don't know that respect is something that can or should exist as it relates to fidelity. I think that within our relationships we expect fidelity.

What I mean to say is that we don't give awards or kudos to people who don't cheat, KWIM? That's the bare minimum expectation, and so the needle can only move in one direction, or perhaps the needle just snaps off in exasperation of being yanked downward so violently post-DDAY.

I think what I'm meaning to say is that thinking about my wife in terms of respecting her for being faithful feels like an absurd concept to me, because I would have never, in a billion years, said to myself prior to the affair, "Oh, I've got one of the good ones, she keeps her pants on."

The fallback position for me has always been to assume that wives and husbands keep their pants on until proven otherwise.

Fidelity is a given in marriage. Perhaps it shouldn't have been?

IsthereEVERanend posted 3/11/2014 09:23 AM

I know that in my case, the level of respect that I had for my wife will never be the equal to what it was. The affair changed all that. I see her differently than I did.
Much love has been regained for each other however.

Ascendant posted 4/23/2014 15:35 PM

Timeline Check-in: 1 year, 4 1/2 months since DDAY

So, my wife is becoming a new person before my eyes. It's happening slowly, and unexpectedly in some ways.

What do I mean?

Unexpected answers to questions I think I already know the answers to. Newfound sense of confidence. A drive to do healthy things and be involved in healthy ways that wasn't there before. Being involved with our son more than ever.

My wife is honestly excited about the Chicago G2G coming up, because she wants to expand our social circle, and because it's something I really want to do. She's spoken of running for public office. She is, completely uncoerced, behaving in healthy, independent ways in a manner I would never have dreamed of.

In some ways it's a little scary, but those are just my dying-a-slow-death KISA/codepedent tendencies sneaking up on me. It's the prospect of my wife not 'needing' me that is a little scary, but I know it's the healthiest way to live, even while there's a tiny voice in the back of my head saying "...but if she doesn't need you, why keep you around?".

I am proud as hell of my wife for the work she's doing...the longer she works, the less she resembles the monster who cheated on me. I'll never respect that monster, but my new wife has a fighting chance.

outside4me posted 4/23/2014 23:07 PM

That's awesome, Ascendant... happy for you, man!

I'm 3 months out from DDay, and it feels like day one, loss of respect-wise. WW is not like Ascendant's. Rug sweeping and escapism. Sigh.

sisoon posted 4/24/2014 17:13 PM

I don't need my W. I DO want her, though. I think my W is shifting from feeling she needs me to recognizing she wants me. It's very nice to be wanted. I much prefer it to being needed.

outside4me: I think 3 months was the worst for me. I sort of bottomed out then and plateaued for 3 months. In other words, if and when you let yourself heal (and you get to choose the timing), your life will get better.

I'm sorry your W wants to escape reality. That means you may have to detach to heal, but 3 months is usually, IMO, too a short time to throw in the towel.

I suggest that you commit to healing yourself and having faith your life will get good.

outside4me posted 4/25/2014 02:50 AM

I appreciate the advice, Sisoon! I've endeavored to let go of the reins (a difficult thing for my personality type) and let her take the initiative. Partly to determine if she's genuinely remorseful, partly so I don't "skew the data" with my wishful thinking. Based on my initial attempts at 180 resulting in WW silent treatments or meltdowns, I'm hesitant to fully implement 180 for fear of creating a self fulfilling prophecy of D. The purgatory between R and D is painful! Hard to willingly prolong the suffering. I'm generally a rip the band-aid off kinda guy.

sisoon posted 4/26/2014 15:27 PM

Personally, I understand your desire not to skew the data with wishful thinking, and I approve - I did it myself, so naturally, I think everyone should do it.

I think this period (probably first 4-8 months for most of us) is hell, no matter what our WS is doing. In other words, you feel as lousy as you do because of the nature of being betrayed more than because of your uncertainty. Remember - you can't predict the future reliably.

Sal1995 posted 4/26/2014 15:42 PM

This topic of this thread poses such an interesting question, but at its current pace it won't fill up until sometime in the year 2029.

Maybe because the question is a tough one to answer.

As for me, I've seen the improvements my wife has made since DDay and can definitely say that I have more respect for her now than at any other time since DDay, when it rock bottom. But pre-discovery levels of respect (and trust)?

Not there yet, and not sure what it will take to get there. I now know some pretty bad things about her. I now know what she is capable of doing and the unreal level of disrespect she is capable of showing me, herself, our marriage, and our children.

I can definitely say this - trust and respect aside, I love her as much as always. Maybe more than ever. Respect and trust may be things that she'll just have to earn a tiny bit at a time, over a long period of time. See me when we're in our 60s.

Alex1 posted 4/27/2014 23:21 PM

Double posted

[This message edited by Alex1 at 11:31 AM, April 28th (Monday)]

Alex1 posted 4/27/2014 23:22 PM

I guess we are lucky to have saved our marriage (for now). My Fww has done a lot of work to reconcile. She is kind and considerate and means well. I love her in many ways. But I will probably never fully trust her or admire or respect her like I once did. I was very proud of who (I thought) she was, her integrity, her loyalty, her trustworthiness.
Now? Not so much. It sucks to live this way but it's the cost to keep the family together. I always felt she was better than me, out of my league, etc. Now I understand that she is flawed and weak and selfish. She's not better than me. We probably deserve each other.
Someone suggested here a while back that you should respect the individual behaviors and accomplishments of your Fww. This compartmentalizing of respect seems productive and wise.
Infidelity is a game changer and for me a permanent one. One that I've chosen to live with. One that I am learning to accept. Even though it means that part of me will always feel like a sucker...

hrtbrkn77 posted 5/8/2014 11:19 AM

I was very proud of who (I thought) she was, her integrity, her loyalty, her trustworthiness. Now? Not so much.

I always felt she was better than me, out of my league, etc. Now I understand that she is flawed and weak and selfish. She's not better than me. We probably deserve each other.

Infidelity is a game changer and for me a permanent one. One that I've chosen to live with. One that I am learning to accept. Even though it means that part of me will always feel like a sucker...

This is depressingly close to how I feel about 2 months past D-Day. My WW was my dream woman. She's beautiful, lively, funny, smart. . . everything I could have asked for. To find out that she wasn't sharing all of that with just me is somehow dismaying beyond my ability to cope most days. I hope it will improve, but looking at your d-day makes me wonder.

[This message edited by hrtbrkn77 at 11:20 AM, May 8th (Thursday)]

Alex1 posted 5/9/2014 22:46 PM

Hang in there Hrtbrkn,

I wish I could offer sound advice but each of us has our own issues of family, responsibilities, pride, self respect, forgiveness., etc. to come to terms with.
At this point it's on me to accept. This final stage of grief is the hardest for me. Last night I looked at my wife and it struck my how beautiful she is and how loving she means to be. She is flawed but she is not evil. She is not a succubus (sp?) out to destroy. She really does try, she is kind (if a bit spoiled). I have chosen to stay with her so it's on me to accept and move on. However I may not be capable of it and if I'm not I think it will be because my pride won't allow me to get over it. Pride is a deadly sin and I now understand just how poisonous it is.

time2grow posted 5/10/2014 14:41 PM

Timeline for gaining respect to fww ?

If I have seen this thread before I sure don't remember it. Anyway . . .

She will never be fww, schlampe will always be ww.

Divorce has been final for 3 1/2 years. Some I am able to let go of. I would love to say I'll let go of it all when everyone she knows has to wave to her from the other side of the glass. Sadly that's my own vengeance so I'm still working on it.

Caretaker1 posted 5/20/2014 20:39 PM

It's very hard to reconcile with cheaters. It sucks but break ties and live alone for awhile and try to find a new love. Life is short do you want to stare in the eyes of these screw ups when you pass?

foundoutlater posted 5/20/2014 20:49 PM

Timeline 2 years and 11 months, or 20+ years – which DDay do we want to count?

The respect has been a fickle bitch. But I have more respect for her now than I have at any time since DDay 1 so that’s positive. The remorse and working on dealing with this has helped. She has some fundamental unfixable issues that make it harder to do for her and for and she is doing it anyway so for that I need to find more gratitude. She is truly trying to be a good partner now. The biggest holdback is believing again – believing she is honest.

Mercilesslynuked posted 5/21/2014 16:32 PM

This is/was a hard one for me and quite honestly TBD; I know which path I think I'm heading down but it is FAR too soon to tell what the eventual outcome will be. Pre-A she was an entirely selfish, complete and utter bitch who did the minimum required to keep me latched on... I saw glimmers of the beauty underneath but it was always hiding beneath the muck. I have 0 respect for that person whatsoever however I have quite a bit of empathy since she had about as messed up of a childhood as I've ever heard of. Should she have fixed this shit a different way? Absolutely. With that being said, what it comes down to for me is I can respect a new person. If she can convince me she is everything I thought she could be, a whole and healthy person who has thoroughly dealt with her CSAb, her parents infidelity, her abandonment by both parents, her mental and physical abuse at the hands of her grandma, her issues from being shuffled through foster care, her codependency issues, her almost rape at the hands of someone trusted, etc. etc. etc. I will not only view her as a different person, she will be a different person and someone who had the strength to not only face but also conquer all of that head on... That is someone worthy of my respect. The person I knew pre-A could not have done this and simply put was a leech and an idiot. She fights daily along this path so respect is growing like drops in the ocean, but it will not culminate for a long time.

As far as trust, I once read somewhere that a remorseful cheater who has faced their horrific actions and behaved appropriately is a safer bet than a new partner and I FIRMLY believe this to be true. I for one have learned some of my most important lessons in the hardest way possible so I can see the parallel. This unfortunately is entirely on her; I will never fully trust her, but over time I am shifting from a "verify, then maybe trust a little" mentality to a "trust but verify always" mentality, and someday to a "trust MYSELF" mentality where I no longer need to verify even. I will KNOW. Really that's the goal isn't it? We don't want to have to monitor a damn thing, and if we can trust ourselves to pick up on the most subtle of hints ever, then we don't need to monitor.

deceivedguy posted 7/11/2014 22:28 PM

I'm only a month and a half out from my DDay. I cant stop imagining her with an OM. her facial expressions, what she'd say before and after...
I can't imagine ever having even half of the respect I had before the A.

Hurthalo posted 7/12/2014 18:30 PM

My fWW and I had some trust issues before we got married. Namely, a guy at her work was sending her a lot of texts after hours 'fishing' and I told her they weren't appropriate. He would send her messages at 3am while we would be in bed asking her to 'come out for a drink' which my wife would baulk at stating 'he's harmless, he's just new to town and wants some friends.' I decided to trust my W (then fiancee) to do the right thing and stave him off.

Fast forward three years, I am now knee deep in dealing with my WW's affair with a co-worker 8 months ago, and when OMW (who found out and told me about the affair) and I were exchanging notes, she told me that OM had told her that my W had confessed to 'leading a guy on at work years ago during our engagement' but that it was a 'story for another time'. My W still claims nothing ever happened. It's funny how OM and his W seem to know though?

My W also fantasised about taking OMs surname...bearing in mind that it took her 2 years of marriage to do the paperwork to take mine (and she was still using her maiden name during the affair), I felt completely emasculated. She said she loved him. He did too. And she would come home after work eavh day and tell me the same before going to bed early and SMSing the OM about the need for them to keep the affair compartmentalised.

So 7 months later, I still feel raw. My W is doing everything right, but the lingering stench of the ease in which she was willing to throw our marriage and the stability of our 2y old daughter's upbringing under a bus for a married man who was also concurrently cheating on his W with my W and no less than 7 prostitutes (yep, you can't make this up), still pervades.

If we didn't have a child, I wouldn't have even tried to fix it. I would have been gone on D-Day.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 6:33 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

redsox13 posted 7/12/2014 19:57 PM

Five years out. I respect the work she has done to get better, and I never thought of her as a whore.

But it is not the same as it was. Don't think I will ever feel the same as I did - as though she was my savior - which is how I felt pre-A.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 7:59 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

HurtingandLost posted 7/12/2014 23:25 PM

I never thought of like as a whore but I still four years out have zero respect for her, as she's done absolutely nothing we committed to for R, which included her getting treatment for her borderline personality disorder. We both know it will always be there but she needs to learn to manage it and stop putting this family through hell with the emotional abuse, selfish entitlelement to sit on her ass and make a dysfunctional chaotic mess out of every home we've had. Our kids deserve better and now we're moving on, and she's moving out.

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