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Men only - Timeline to regain respect for FWW?
I never thought of like as a whore but I still four years out have zero respect for her, as she's done absolutely nothing we committed to for R, which included her getting treatment for her borderline personality disorder. We both know it will always be there but she needs to learn to manage it and stop putting this family through hell with the emotional abuse, selfish entitlelement to sit on her ass and make a dysfunctional chaotic mess out of every home we've had. Our kids deserve better and now we're moving on, and she's moving out.
done absolutely nothing we committed to for R
sit on her ass
make a dysfunctional chaotic mess
Were you married to my fWW?
Like you, my responses were the same. Lost all respect, and all desire, and all attraction.
Never thought of her as "whore" but had utter disdain for how immoral she was.
Quite interesting to see that the As a lot of the time happened when we needed the WS. I was there for mine through her university studies, hospital visits, etc. The one time I needed her - and I said it to her, I needed her to help me that week with domestic stuff for once, because I was snowed under with studies and work - she confessed to fucking the OM one night that week. Unbelievable. D-Day was five weeks ago. I refer to her as a whore almost all the time to my friends.
[This message edited by somebody at 9:07 AM, July 18th (Friday)]
What a great question. After my WW affair #1, the lost respect was one of the biggest issues. The GROSS factor was #2. Thinking about how the AP touched, kissed and penetrated her was sickening much
I didn't approach her for sex for 7 months. She didn't object she felt tainted too and wasn't going to push it with me. Buy the time we got back to it, was odd...emotional and painful.
Back to respect - no, the respect was lost and it will never be regained to persons who would never cheat. To BH who have considered cheating or who have been WH before, the respect I think could come back.
I am 13 years past WW's affair #1 and now a few months past affair #2. ZERO RESPECT
For those of us who are leaders in our respective worlds (work, etc) it is a DEEP LACK OF RESPECT that we feel. Because Loyality is #1. Falure to remain Loyal is like walking up behind your spouse and stabbing them in the back, its like pouring poison into their ears while they sleep...treason! TREASON!
that is how it feels and the lack of respect for them manifests itself as lack of returned love and affection and being generous with gifts etc.
For anyone considering an affair, its consequences like this that are LONG TERM which will rob you of many blessing in your relationships..for what, several sex romps? Surely it cannot be worth the loss for both in the realationship, these are hidden consequences the WS and AP never consider. This is part of the "Wages of Sin is Death".
The biggest one I lost is sincerely being able to know I always had a woman who stood by my side, thick and thin, no matter what. When I see a guy, proud of his wife... I just think "Gosh... I really wish I could make that speech someday... But if I do, I'll just be thinking in my head "And here's to my wife, who was with me through everyt... I mean, through almost everything."
AMEN TO THIS ^^^^^
[This message edited by steppingup at 10:25 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]
I refer to her as a whore almost all the time to my friends.
I get it. And that's not you being mean. There really aren't a lot of nice things you can say about a married woman who's sneaking around having sex behind her husband's back. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...
Anyway...the danger is that the two of you will reconcile, but now you've poisoned the well vis a vis WW and your friends. I've seen that in real life. My own brother divorced his XW, told everyone what a mean and crazy bitch she is, then later got her pregnant, had the kid, and moved back in with her. Now we're supposed to pretend that they're a happy family and forget all the bad things he said about her.
Just my opinion, but I'd keep the "she's a dirty whore" thoughts within the confines of your own head. Since she can't "love" your buddies back into her heart the same way she can tend to your needs (at least we hope she's gotten that message), they'll continue to hate her long after you've stopped feeling that way.
[This message edited by Sal1995 at 5:37 PM, July 18th (Friday)]
Thanks Sal1995. At this point, R isn't on the table. I agree though, I probably have told people who I'd rather didn't know.
At 6 years now. She has changed from a broken person with no boundaries trying to help everyone to a model fww. She is stronger, happier in life and more confident. God is also in our marriage now.
Overall I am glad I helped her get to where she is and I think she is truly grateful for the second chance I gave. Do I respect her? Definitely. As much as pre-A? Not sure. She was my only and I held her high. Do I trust her? Yes, but definitely not as much as pre-A. I still get my triggers and go into investigative mode. I really don't think trust can ever get back to 100% for someone betrayed.
Somebody - I hear ya on the "told some people you wish you hadn't" part. During my stbxww first affair I called my FIL and asked him if he could put her up because she wasnt coming back to my house. He said her Mom did the same to him which is why they divorced. I no sooner hung up than he picked up the white pages and called every number, and when he got done he flipped to the Yellow pages. This time around, the fewer Jerry Springer episodes I get cast in the better.
1 Year, 7 months since the PA DDAY.
Feeling off lately, can't quite put my finger on it.
Kind of apathetic. A feeling of simply going through the motions. It's not that I don't love my wife, just a general feeling of 'blah' much of the time.
There's a lot of residual resentment in me. Much of it is not tied to the actual affair itself, but to her handling of the post-affair aftermath in those first few crucial days and weeks after DDAY.
Also, she's stopped going to IC (not by intent, I don't think, but she had to cancel an appointment for work and never re-scheduled. I'm not going to say anything about it; it's her responsibility to make the decision to seek help. I notice this stuff, sure, but it just goes into my mental dresser drawer of shit.
Also, she's gone back to drinking (nearly) every night. Again, I haven't said anything. If there were one singular issue that I think would be a deal breaker in the future, this would be it....I was thisclose to kicking her out during the affair due to her drinking, and while it's not at those sorts of levels (yet), the very sight of her having a drink in hand is pretty triggery. Alcohol played a monstrous role in her affair. I'm pretty sure that her IC thinks she's an alcoholic as well, as she's pushed my wife to check out an open meeting.
Also...sex. Nearly every time we have sex, afterwards it feels as though I've sold off a little piece of my self-respect. Like I've degraded myself. Like a whore. That's not to say that it's not pleasurable, or that I can't 'get into' it sometimes....but it's not often. I've never, ever been a believer in meaningless sex, and now that seems to be all I'm having, and it goes against who I am at my core.
On the plus side, my wife has gotten rid of her friend who hid the affair from me...it wasn't easy for her to do so, but she did it. The friend oh-so-sneakily blasted her on Facebook afterwards....but oh well. Trash will be trash, one supposes.
Lately, the idea of asking more questions, really hardcore sex stuff, has been popping up. I pulled at that band-aid really early on with a few questions and it hurt too bad...maybe I'm subconsciously wondering if it's time to rip the fucker off?
Also, the idea of doing a polygraph has been in my head for a long time now. I have a few yes/no questions that I want answers to....mostly to confirm things she's answered, such as: number of times had sex, whether she ever performed oral sex, etc. Stuff that there is a clear yes or no answer for.
Guess that's it for now. Feel like I'm building towards something....just not sure what it is yet. Feels cataclysmic...ominous. Dunno, maybe I'm being dramatic.
Thanks to anyone who comes across this.
Ascendant, sorry to hear that you're feeling a bit off lately, brother. Hopefully the last 4 days since your post has seen an improvement.
I was feeling a little down earlier this week. Nothing major, just the inevitable dip on the roller coaster which always happens after a good several weeks.
The drinking is disconcerting. My wife would binge drink during her A, probably to self-medicate. But drinking and shaky morals/boundaries are a toxic combo as you well know. Is she in denial, or do you think she'll go along with a treatment plan?
As for the questions, it sucks that you still have them this far out. Once you get your answers, be prepared to go back to square one, at least for awhile. You'll likely cycle through the grief phases again. I got the answers to the gory details three months after D Day, and as distasteful as they were, there was a sense of relief as well to have all of that behind me.
Good luck, we're here for you.
What is the game plan if a polygraph contradicts what she told you?
Sorry, gents, this thread kind of disappeared off my radar after I posted on it. So, in order:
Hopefully the last 4 days since your post has seen an improvement.It has. That stuff I posted about is still lurking about in the background of my brain, but not as prominent.
The drinking is disconcerting. My wife would binge drink during her A, probably to self-medicate. But drinking and shaky morals/boundaries are a toxic combo as you well know. Is she in denial, or do you think she'll go along with a treatment plan?Mmmmm...unsure, on both fronts. She doesn't deny she has abused alcohol in the past, but I don't think she feels like she is now, because the drinking is like 25% of what it was during the affair and she's not blowing up at me like she was then. That's not me making excuses for her, that's what I think she thinks. I get the impression that her IC is trying to nudge her to go to an open meeting in order to hear other's stories and perhaps realize the extent of her own issue?
The idea/desire to seek treatment has to come from within herself, otherwise it'll never 'stick', so I don't instruct, ask, or tell her to do anything. She's knows how I feel about it. She knows that there may be a day where I wake up and decide that her disease is something I can no longer have in my life. What she chooses to do with that information is her business.
As for the questions, it sucks that you still have them this far out. Once you get your answers, be prepared to go back to square one, at least for awhile. You'll likely cycle through the grief phases again. I got the answers to the gory details three months after D Day, and as distasteful as they were, there was a sense of relief as well to have all of that behind me.Yeah, and I think there's a little bit of self-protection going on within me. I feel (with some notable exceptions like the above post) better with every few months that goes by...so I think a part of me is wondering, "Why risk tipping over the apple cart?", even though if I don't the questions are going to bounce around forever.
What is the game plan if a polygraph contradicts what she told you?Done. Dunzo. Finished.
(At least I think so. How many of us said the same thing BEFORE we found out about the affair?)
I mean listen, we've been reconciling (or at least if she's still lying, I have been) for damn-near 18 months. If this whole time has passed and she hasn't had the courage to tell me that she lied in those initial days after DDAY when I asked (and asked, and re-asked) my questions, then she's not worth wasting another minute on. She's a healthier, better spouse by leaps and bounds in several statistical categories than she's ever been, but at that point that might not be enough, you know?
My guess is that I'd at least want a separation for a little bit in order to see what life without her would be like. I don't mean being single, because women are the last thing on my mind right now...I just mean seeing what a day-to-day life would be like without my wife, and without my son half of the time, and whether that's a life I can tolerate.
Thanks as always, guys.
[This message edited by Ascendant at 6:11 AM, August 11th (Monday)]
Ascendant, I'm sorry you're going through a down phase. Unless you're very unlucky, though, I think the down phases are pain working itself through your system - and out. This is likely to be pain you won't feel again, once it's resolved.
It's true that an alcoholic is in control of her drinking, but I think it's fair for you to express a concern and ask her to attend a meeting. Same for IC - she wont use it to help her change unless she wants to change, but you can ask her to go back.
She can refuse your request(s), but your request(s) could be just what she needs to push her over the edge to take action to help herself.
Respect? I'm not sure I know what respect means anymore.
I do know that I feel sorry for her. Which in it's own way is just as cruel I suppose.
I used to have the utmost trust in my spouse and mother of my 5 kids. Now I have ZERO trust, and I am not sure when that will ever come back. Will it ever??
The utmost trust will never come back, no.
Some trust will/may come back.
At a little over a year out, I'm in the 'trust but verify' stage. I have a sinking feeling I will never totally trust or respect my fWW the way I did before D-Day.
Maybe the blinders (that never should have been in place) are now off and hanging in the barn.
IC explained it as learning to recognize fWW is a human with human frailties.
The trust but at least occasionally verify stage is a good one to be in. Behaviors you tolerated before when you had blind trust, you no longer have to accept without complaint. Ever. Even if it is just an "I'm uncomfortable...this is bringing back memories" comment. Because it's the truth, so share it. In so doing, they'll likely realize the gift you are giving them.
You know what boys? I don't know about you, but there's no way in Hell that anything is going to be the same again for me. Never. IMO that's not insurmountable for a continuation of your relationships, but it is something that has to be acknowledged and accounted for. Won't ever be the same. Period.
And yes, she is attractive, intelligent, the mother of my children with whom I spent 25 years, more than half our lives... But she's been sucking another man's dick. Letting him ejaculate into her body. Lying to me about it the entire time. We are so very done. Maybe someday I can look at this objectively, but for right now she's trash. Her choice.