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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: The N.P.D. Thread Part IV
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, what you're doing isn't working. If you're letting him know how much the thought of this is upsetting you, you're just fanning the flames. Can you try the opposite approach? Tell him that you've given it some more thought, and you think this would be an ideal arrangement. Tell him all the reasons that you would LOVE to have him right there across the street (NOT!)

LIE to him. If you convince him that you want him to be there, he'll lose interest pretty quickly.

Or just ignore him. If he's not getting any energy out of you, he'll get bored and find another game.

[This message edited by Longlost at 11:11 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
IDeserveBetter
Member
Member # 16602
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not a game with him, It's a way of seeing the kids and keeping an eye on me without having any responsibility when he didn't feel like dealing with us. Kind of like the bastard does right now!

Posts: 754 | Registered: Oct 2007
DD123
♀ Member
Member # 13369
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well IDeserve -

My STBXN rented an apartment that was right behind my house. The "theory" was that all my kids would have to do to go visit was go through the woods (they seldom did).

It is awful. I see his car everywhere. It's an unusual looking car and the theme from "Jaws" plays in my mind every time I see it. And my pulse rate goes up 50 points.

His lease is up this month. Now that he was told for certain I will not let him move back with us, I have no idea what he is going to do. I doubt he will move in with OW right away because he is trying to "lay low" with her to look better in court. It's a pricey apartment. His NPD self doesn't want to be living in a "cheap" apartment because he has his "image" to keep up.

IDeserve - You need to tell him if he moves in there you will move immediately . Then he may not even bother with it.

Don't let it happen!!!


Married 16 years
Kids - 16, 15, 7
D-day 12/4/06.
Many add'l d-days; many false Rs
Separated 3/18/07; Divorced 2/20/08

"Women are like tea bags...you never know how strong they are until they are in hot water!!!"


Posts: 667 | Registered: Jan 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK~ I agree with Longlost.

What gets his "goat"? Yes, LIE to the creep.

Reverse Gaslight!

Find his weak spots...attack!
Tell him you heard the house has some problems...mold? roaches??

We have to learn HOW to be devious like THEY are-- & fight "fire with fire"!

((((huge hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
IDeserveBetter
Member
Member # 16602
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hm, maybe if I told him the house is a money pit that he would never be able to resell? Especially since it has sat on the market for a year and a half already.

That might work, he actually does love his money!


Posts: 754 | Registered: Oct 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There ya go!

Good plan!!

Termites...dry rot...ohhh, don't get me going!

I would start talking about XYZ place as being very attractive to YOU...get some brochures about it...let him think you are going to move there ...you know, because the area is going to hell slowly in a hand basket!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
DD123
♀ Member
Member # 13369
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still don't think that stuff would stop him from moving there... there will always be another house up for sale by you...

The key is letting him know that you will not stay there if he moves there...

I know how these sick, greedy, lying NPD minds work.

JMHO though


Married 16 years
Kids - 16, 15, 7
D-day 12/4/06.
Many add'l d-days; many false Rs
Separated 3/18/07; Divorced 2/20/08

"Women are like tea bags...you never know how strong they are until they are in hot water!!!"


Posts: 667 | Registered: Jan 2007
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((idb))) No advice; just hugs. That's a tough one, because yours is not only NPD, but bipolar. If he was just NPD, I'd say be cool and tell him how much you'd love for him to live there in the old neighborhood, but you've been looking at some houses on xxx side, and you'd love for the kids to be able to come back to their old neighborhood to visit. Just bipolar, and I would definitely tell him that I was moving out if he was moving in. Tough call; you know him best.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Longlost- I'd *love* to read some of your poetry! Please send it my way...

DD- the theme from jaws??? LMAO! I will remember that one when I see Trail of Tears in his sex wagon!

IDeserve- my 2 cents on this is to just remain emotionally flat on this situation. When he tries to get you going talking about living across the street, say "whatever" with a deadpan on your face. That is lethal to both NPDs AND bipolars. Just TRY it. And hang in there.


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reverse gaslight, if the deadpan/flat face doesn't work. "Oh thank God! I was wondering who in the neighborhood could babysit for me when I begin dating. If you're right there, it's really the best arrangement!"

Have fun! Video it for us!


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IGNORE, ignore, ignore. Act like you could care less. Don't react. Don't say a word. DO NOTHING.

By doing or saying ANYTHING, he gets what he wants:

ATTENTION

It doesn't matter if it's negative, positive, gas-lighting, reverse gas-lighting or any other creative way of dealing with the idiot. All it does is keeps the door open for further dialog.

Do NOT react. If he moves in across the street, move. Don't tell him you're moving, just do it.

NO CONTACT other than through your lawyer.

NPD's are cons. Nothing they say is true. He may say he's going to move in across the street, but wait and see. NPS's are notorious for saying one thing and doing another. They may agree to something, only to go back on their word later. You are wasting your breath to even speak to them. Don't try to reason with him. It will get you nowhere.

DL,
You can get a divorce and have permanent alimony and health insurance as part of your settlement. As long as he's feeling so generous why don't you take him up on this offer and get this finalized permanently. Later down the road he might not be feeling quite so "generous" because he "cares".


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Sad. That's why I said the "whatever" and the NO EXPRESSION. However, she is right, if you can avoid talking ALL TOGETHER then for God's sake DO AVOID IT! There is nothing to gain and everything to lose by even speaking to them! You can't really heal until they are OUT of your life and OUT of your daily routine! At least, as far as that is possible. I know it's difficult with children...


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
DD123
♀ Member
Member # 13369
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I do agree with Sad... ignore him totally. Easier said than done, but NC (as much as I can with 3 kids) has kept me sane through this whole thing... oh yes, and ADs!!!

BUT, if he does move in, please move. Have a plan.

But Sad was right, you don't have to clue him in that you will move... just do it! Any feedback from you will just get him going. Seeing that it touches a nerve will get him going. But, ultimately you cannot live next to him. Your mental health is at stake!!!


Married 16 years
Kids - 16, 15, 7
D-day 12/4/06.
Many add'l d-days; many false Rs
Separated 3/18/07; Divorced 2/20/08

"Women are like tea bags...you never know how strong they are until they are in hot water!!!"


Posts: 667 | Registered: Jan 2007
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. The less emotion you give the mofo to feed off of, the better off you will be. Don't let him know what you're really up to, and don't let him see you sweat.

One thing I always tell folks who try to get sucked into the drama of crazy folks is that YOU CAN'T WIN. You have MORALS. You have ETHICS. You have VALUES. You have respect for SOCIAL RULES.

They don't. They absolutely believe that they are the king or queen of the universe and that everyone just has to bow down before them.

Eventually, you're going to get tired of the game-playing. You might even avoid doing some things because they aren't right, or they're just whack. They have no such compunction to follow those rules or place those kinds of limits on themselves. It's not in them.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thing that NPD's are so good at is "baiting."

They throw these things out there just to get the reaction. They say things like, "I'm going to buy the house next door..." or whatever just to get your goat.

They love drama, the love khaos, they love all the craziness. They THRIVE on it.

Until we STOP reacting, the craziness continues.

The only time you should react is if the NPD is breaking the law. Then you should react by calling the police and having them arrested.

If you have children, only communicate through email. If he introduces anything that is not child/children related, don't reply. If he continues with that dialog, tell him that you will not resond to anything else besides children topics. Then STOP. Anything else he send, IGNORE it.

Do not allow yourself to be baited. You have more control than you think. Take control.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen, Sad!
It is *so* easy to be baited (or "fished in"...) because we care and sometimes still look to find that man we loved in there SOMEWHERE. But he's not there. He never was. He was only an empty mirror held up for you to see your own reflection.

Sad is SO right. We cannot win with these abusive partners. Best to leave them alone, and realize that we are *lucky* if they are gone... we might be lonely or grieve for what we *thought* we had, but if they're gone then bless them and consider yourself lucky.


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say lucky because we could have ended up like Lacy Peterson...or this 4th wife of the cop whose 3rd wife is dead and she is now missing...


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nocontrol: i read somewhere that they are exhuming wife #3's body.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sad, what works very well for me with my N is doing The Reverse Gaslight!

As Longlost said in an earlier post: "Lie to him'...

MIND FUCK him right back, but "nicely".


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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