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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: The N.P.D. Thread Part IV
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad- yeah, that was too weird. The way it was worded was as if she already had violated their visitation schedule. That's what I thought. Good old fucktards. Predictably unpredictable. And he WAS sounding like an attorney! Ha! Probably from all of his, um, exposure to them lately...any word on what the hell's happening with the stalking.
Just so you know, you are in my prayers. (((sad)))


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC,
EXACTLY!!!

That's what he does. He writes things down like it's already happened, like your recent irrational behavior ect. Then he waves this paper around as if because he wrote it down, it's now become fact.

It's total psyco-babble.

And you're also right about him sounding like the lawyer. I'm sure that is due to overexposure.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 11:03 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad - what a seriously unpleasant individual. Nothing in his email indicates any thought or consideration to his daughter. He sees his little girl just to score points against the mother. What a disgusting man. I did not think he could sink any lower but that really is the pits. Is there any chance the ow1 could change his visitation rights if he is found guilty of harrassing you on the 30th? I sincerely hope so for the sake of the child.
My ex is just as pathetic and contemptable in his disregard of his children. To think he is referred to as a parent sickens me.
To be a parent is a great privilidge but these bastards see it as a supply and an entitlement.So so wrong.

I was doing some thinking after my counselling session on Monday and I really do see my ex as a very ugly person now. Both on the inside and the outside. To think I fell for that nonsense amazes me. I am so far removed from the mess that is his life that it is a wonderful sensation. The counsellor was very pleased with the progress I have made in a matter of weeks. I feel like I am leaving everything he did behind me. I am still angry but the power he had over me seems to have disappeared. I am starting to feel very happy and content. It is very exciting to reclaim myself. There is life after living with an npd monster...


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"overexposure"
(((sadtoo)))
That is funny !!!

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((itsabattle)))
Ditto to all that you just said above.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously...*DISTURBED*!!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh heavens. He would never consider the feelings of his daughter. He would never think that perhaps she might actually want to be at her brothers wedding.

He has actually filed ANOTHER custody suit against OW#1. He has filed for full custody. It's insane. He just won't stop. Since he is doing this, she has decided to go for full custody too. It has been set up with joint custody, her being the custodial parent and him getting visitaion. (I don't know the legal terms) But, he doesn't like paying C/s. But now because he continues to harass her and cause her grief, she's going for full custody instead of the joint.

What a nightmare.

I'm glad to hear that you are doing better, Itsa. Sometimes it takes a long time and lots of reflection, but we'll get there!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sunflower18
New Member
Member # 15551
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI everyone - I am new to this board but from reading many of your posts- i sadly so fit here. My H of 30 years, and 3 kids, confessed to 12 affairs in the last 12 years, 3 with my friends and one with a so- called BF. He had many LTAs also. I have been in shock since July 2007, after 3 d-days.

Just this past weekend, my cousin gave me the book "what to do when you love a man who loves himself". has anyone here read it? it was so eyeopening to me. My H is a true narcissist. I can now see all the manipulations and lying and cheating so clearly. and oh yes- lets not forget the BLAMING me for everything, abuse to me and our children, flirting and work obsession.

The pain is endless for me. The only thing different than what i am reading here is that he truly feels shame and guilt for his behavior- hates the man he was, and wants to be a different person. we are in MC together and the therapist says the fact that he can feel shame and guilt, proves that he is not a narcissit. any of you ladies have this?????

Also - the true test to me- in therapy- the therapist told him that in order for me to heal, he MUST put my feelings before his own. HE HAS NOT DONE THIS YET IN MONTHS. he says he will, but when i test him, he fails. he couldnt even figure out what my needs were!!!!! how sick-

any of you experience this too????


Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((sunflower18))))
I'm so sorry that you find yourself here.

As veritas tag says:
"Actions unmask what words disguise."

How long has MC been going on? Have you done any IC also?

BoB (I'm a male. The Ladies should be by soon).

ETA: Cause I'm lame with spelling and stuff.

[This message edited by bobelina at 9:26 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
sunflower18
New Member
Member # 15551
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI bob- thanks for the support. we have been in MC for 4 months with a great therapist, who specializes with infidelity. What does IC mean? i forgot the list of codes.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your welcome.
IC is individual counseling. Sometimes "more" is revealed there. You can also focus on you and not "us".
You've been thru a lot regardless if he's NPD or not. Maybe some other form of disordered personality? IC might be able to help as it's been said often, the "victim" (us) and our feelings, fears, etc. are often a more accurate indicator of whats really up then talking with the "N". The disordered are known to be able to fool the pros. Just some thoughts to ponder.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
sunflower18
New Member
Member # 15551
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob- its so interesting that you suggested IC- many of my friends and family have been suggesting it too. i brought it up to our MC and he said that it is not a good idea- that anything that we want to discuss right now- we should do it in front of each other.

My H had been lying in MC for many years, whe we would try to fix our problems, and he wouldnt admit to the affairs. now -for the first time, he wants to go to therapy- arrives early and really is involved.

i dont know if i should ignore my MC and go to IC too.

my MC really gets me and what i need. he tells my H every time that everything is about MY healing and that he must suffer in silence. My h is so used to talking about his own feelings. the therapist makes him face who he is and what he did. he had kept me sane for these past months.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SF18,
That sounds kinda funky...
...Your thearpist seems to be helping the situation but I'm kinda puzzled as to the thearipists lack of validation for your desire for IC.
Is the MC interested in doing IC with you?
I think some of the more experienced may be of more help here. They should be by soon.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
DD123
♀ Member
Member # 13369
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If anyone is up, can they PM me? I am going through D woes with kids and many LIES, hiding money, plans for the OW.

If there is anyone that as recently gone through this and they wouldn't mind chatting please send me a PM. I think my STBXN is a lurker!

Thanks! Need an understanding shoulder right now.


Married 16 years
Kids - 16, 15, 7
D-day 12/4/06.
Many add'l d-days; many false Rs
Separated 3/18/07; Divorced 2/20/08

"Women are like tea bags...you never know how strong they are until they are in hot water!!!"


Posts: 667 | Registered: Jan 2007
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dd123))) I haven't gone through this recently, but I did want to let you know that if you need a shoulder, I am here.

(((sunflower))): The chances are that if your NPD is truly remorseful, then he probably isn't NPD. If he is NPD, this is a game. I also noticed that your husband doesn't put your feelings first; what actions of his *are* remorseful?

itsabattle: it makes me feel so good to hear you smiling and shining!

sadtoo: I feel ya! What a dinkoid. I will surely be thinking about you on the 30th.

As for my currently silent NPD victims, where the heck are you? Please let us know you're okay.

And a happy Thanksgiving to all!

[This message edited by veritas at 7:57 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I finally heard from STBX about Thanksgiving. Yesterday afternoon via email. Not only did he ask about Thursday, but he wanted to keep them for the rest of the week also. Honestly it smelled of he may have had other plans that fell through. No matter, the kids were happy with the idea so I agreed.

Sun get an IC. I have a feeling I know where your MC is coming from; but if your husband is N or N traited, the theory will not work. It sounds like you have a lot of stuff to deal with, and IC will help you. Be careful that you find one that works for you. Don't worry if you go thru a couple of them in the process.

DD hope you are ok.

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support.

Many positive thoughts for all.


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Sunflower. Sorry you're here...so cliched but so true. Sounds like you're at the very least dealing with a selfish asshole (sorry, I know you're trying to R) and I agree with veritas that he's probably game playing if he *is* an N. But they do say that some N's will attempt to work on themselves if facing a major crisis (like the end of a 30 year marriage...) Definitely make him show you that your needs are AS important as his. And I also think that IC is vital. It can't be all about the "we" there's got to be a healthy YOU. I'm sure your MC has good intentions, but as they say- the road to hell is paved with those.

(((Its!!!))) You are doing wonderfully! I'm just *SO* happy for you! The progress is absolutely beautiful! It IS exciting to see light at the end of the tunnel...aka a happy life after the dark clouds of the N mindfuck are cleared! I'm high-fiving you from here! Now you need to find a Patsy to your Edina and have some FUN! You ARE Absolutely Fabulous after all!

because he wrote it down, it's now become fact
So TRUE Sad! I forgot about that one aspect, and when I read it *so* many memories flooded in! For being so smart, they are SO FUCKING STUPID sometimes! I feel so blessed to be able to laugh at this now...

Like Longlost, I'll be gone after about noon today and won't be back til Monday, but I wish you ALL a happy, healthy, COMFORTING Thanksgiving (or just weekend, for my non-US sisters- and BOB! )

You are all wonderful. And I pray for you all. We can and WILL get each other thru this! (((BIG HUGS)))


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
ouchagain
Member
Member # 12193
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted in a long time. Not sure if anyone remembers me, but this past summer I had had it with the NBF and went NC for 3 1/2 months. I then let him slowly worm his way back into my life. I can't believe I fell for the lies again - he convinced me that he was not involved with the OW - just friends line. We had been in a long-distance relationship which made it so easy for him to cheat.

In my heart, I didn't believe it and, I'm embarrassed to say, would check his voice mail to see what was going on. Well, sure enough, ALL LIES. I have heard over and over again that with N's when you take them back the D&D comes quickly and more painfully - how true. What he's done has just devestated me. He turns 50 tomorrow and instead of making plans with me, I discovered that she booked a fancy bed and breakfast in out West for them. His 50th and Thanksgiving with her! I'm just reeling. He finally admitted to it in a way - he said that she had this planned as a surprise with a group of friends - and I ruined the surprise. Of course I called the place and found that the other people he mentioned were not booked there just him and her in a 300.00 a night luxury room. I called and left him a message that I knew this last night. Haven't heard from him, nor do I want to - I'm just hurting so much. I'm floored by the amount of pain these evil people can inflict. Just needed some support today. And of course I'm imagining all of the wonderful things they will be doing together. The frustrating part too is that I've given, foolishly, this man so much money - he bled me dry and now he's on to someone else who can lavish him with gifts. I do know that he is completely broke right now (even hinted that he needed money from me yesterday) and she will be footing the whole bill for the vacation. Unf**kingbelievable. I know him so well and am sure that instead of seeing how sick this is, he'll just focus on the fact that I checked up on him and will see me as the crazy one.

Why, why, why did I let myself get sucked in again. Thanks for letting me vent.


Posts: 160 | Registered: Sep 2006
sunflower18
New Member
Member # 15551
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

veritas- i think that my H is definitely a N, but doesnt have all the qualities. there are degrees of N... right?

He was abusive to me and the children, lying, cheating for 12 years, (felt no remorse or guilt at the time) flirted in front of me, always had to be the center of attention wherever we went, one personality out of the house (nicer to strangers than to us) but a raging bull inside the house, never empathized with other - so he had affairs with 2 of his male friends wives, thought he was special and better than everyone; bodybuilder and always showing me his muscles- even though i hated them; over- cologned all the time; thought his job was so important-more than any of his kids or me.

after working in his job for 32 years, he was forced to retire- i think indirectly because of his N. his job was his whole identity and he had many affairs there. when he was home everyday with me, as i work in a school system and was home with him in the summer, he couldnt face me without telling me- so he said. so he confessed in 3 weeks time to get it all out.

our MC says that he was angry at me all the time- resentment- and that masked his guilt. now all he does is feel guilt and hates what he has done and who he is. BUT- he still does not put my needs first.

what he does to show he is remorseful? changed the way he looks- no more mustache, shaved head, suspenders, weightlifting. he gave up cigars. his phone and e mail are open to me at any time. he checks in 3-4 times a day. he tells me everyone he sees and talks to. he has confronted every slut- some with me in person- some on the phone and formally ended his relationship by telling them he has told me everything and his affair with them was a mistake -he never loved them - only me. he then followed up some of those contacts with letters expaining and "setting the record straigth" about me and our marriage- taking full responsibility for the affair-saying it was his ego that needed stroking - NOT that it was me who didnt love him.

he behaves totally differently- quiet, not funny, humble now. BUT i am afraid that what if this is all manipulation???? what if he gets another job in his field- will he go back??

if so- he is so out of my life. the veil is being lifted from my eyes about him and who he is.

downfall- i am looking for an IC. i called my old one, but she isnt taking private patients anymore. i will keep looking.

no control - thanks for the support. am i the only one on this board who is trying R? it seems that many of you are divorced. HAS ANYONE HAD A SUCCESSFUL R WITH A N?

OUCHAGAIN - so sorry that history has repeated itself with you. i am so sorry for you. try to get the book "When you love a man who loves himself". this really let me see how all the men in the world are seperated into 2 groups- N and decent men. when you read it, you will feel better that the N is out of your life.

Happy thanksgiving to all.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Sunflower,
I sorry for the pain you are going through. Hmmm. I'm not sure what to think. 30 years is a long time for an N to keep his "mask" on. Your therapist may be right in that since he's remorceful and feels shame and guilt he may not be an N. But then it could be a game. However, it's very difficult for an N to fake shame and guilt. It's a very foreign emotion to them and they don't have a clue how to "pretend" to feel it. They will say they are feeling it, but not act like they are feeling it. Does that make sense?

Either way, you are dealing with an abusive, self absorbed, self-centered jerk.

I would also recommend that you get into IC.

Ouch,
Sorry that things aren't going well for you. Remember, the truth is in his actions, not his words.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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