One of the most insidious characteristics of verbal or emotional abuse is that it can be very hard to recognise. The abuser may be very confident that he or she is behaving properly, while the person being abused may have such low self esteem that he or she perceives the abuser's behaviour as being deserved or, at any rate, nothing out of the ordinary. The longer abuse continues, the more pronounced these effects become, as the abuser's confidence grows and the victim's self esteem dwindles. This page aims to describe specific types of verbal and emotional abuse in order to make abusive behaviour easier to recognise. It also describes specific aspects of abuse that may appear in the therapy setting, and, in contrast, sets out the behaviour and conduct that a client has a right to expect from his or her therapist.
Withholding Information and not listening empathetically prevents the proper level of intimacy in the relationship from developing.
Countering contradicts what the other person says; the abuser refuses to accept that the victim's point of view may be valid.
Discounting the victim's feelings of hurt at the abuse implies that there is something wrong with the victim if he feels that way.
Disguising verbal abuse as a joke again invalidates the victim's perceptions.
Blocking and diverting allows the abuser to avoid discussing things that the victim believes are important.
Accusing and blaming the victim unfairly can make the victim believe that she has caused the abuse.
Trivializing the victim's thoughts, ideas and achievements can make the victim feel worthless.
Undermining of the victim by the abuser erodes the patient's self confidence.
Every threat made by the abuser is a form of control. The abuser plays on the victim's deepest fears.
Forgetting promises, agreements or previous discussions prevents the victim from talking to the abuser about his behaviour.
Denial is a stronger form of forgetting: the abuser denies that any abuse has ever taken place, invalidating the victim's reality and perceptions.
Abusive Anger allows the abuser to release tension and feel power over his victim but increases the victim's anxiety and feelings of failure.
Adapted from The Verbally Abusive Relationship
by Patricia Evans
This SO describes STBXPDW. To the Teeth !!!
[This message edited by bobelina at 6:14 PM, December 8th (Saturday)]
This has asshole written all over it OMG OMG.. Okay just had to say that will post more later need to read some more
[This message edited by Dragonfly32 at 7:48 PM, December 8th (Saturday)]
BoB your post is ASSHOLE, everything ALL OF IT, that is him OMG OMG OMG....
I just got off the phone with my mother ((((MOM)))), who has been trying to get me to go back to court..
I have been dreading this because it is his work against mine.
But today, I got the other son's medical records and IT IS ON. I now have documents to prove is NC behaviours
Second of all, tonight I got some real training in being totally passive. I learned that my NPD thinks he has gonorrhea. This is not a huge surprise, considering that the women he deals with are total skanks. One of the cum dumpsters that he has been text messaging with lately confesses to participating in parties where a bunch of guys come in a cup and the girls sit around and drink it! She actually has this on her Myspace page. The big surprise is that he is accusing me of giving it to him! Who the hell does he think his audience is? Does he really think that I will believe him? He cannot, actually, possibly believe this! I know that he's "doing damage control," but I cannot see any motive other than the fact that he is stone-cold crazy!
Newbies to this thread, be warned...
Bob - I want you to be careful in your dealings with her. Show no emotion in front of her; remember she is an emotional vampire and it is emotion she is looking for. Whatever kind. Get yourself through this paperwork process as quickly as you can. It is obvious you are a great dad and you are the one who is there for the kids. You can do it.
I hope everyone is ok.
My ex has done a wonderful job of manipulating my daughter. Because he is not seeing them on Christmas Day he said to her that he is having a party of New Years Day and he would like them to come. He will get her a new dress etc. She came home all excited, begging to go.
Of course, I cannot say no after all of his careful preperation. He has not had the decency to even have a conversation with me about this - just an artful manipulation of a nine year old.
The problem is that I am not sure that the reason I don't want them to go is so that I am not on my own on NY eve!! I am quite happy to paint my house, go to a friend's for dinner so I can do things but it has all made me feel a bit uneasy.
Is it because I know he has got one over on me again?? Yes, I know the answer as well.
Unfortunately, a lot of this stuff in your posts about NPD seem to fit my STBXH.
Fx. every single line in your latest post fits him 100 %.
That's it, that's exactly how our relationship was. OMG.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just can't believe it.
I know I haven't been the perfect spouse and I take responsibility for my part of our problems (IC) and I know our M has been rocky BUT I thougt verbal abuse was something totally different. Like yelling and name-calling but this - this is a very sophisticated way to break down another persons self-esteem, isn't it? Now I understand better.
I look so much forward to having a normal, healthy, equal and happy relationship one fine day when I have healed from this....
It's a good feeling to know that the postings I've made have been helpful. I know that others postings have helped me. As I stumble across material I will continue to post these things as they seem to help us all.
I would like to thank all of you for being there for me again and again. I appreciate all your comments, advise, PMs, etc. As such I will do my best to help all of you.
Although we would all rather have not to have ever found ourselves here, I'm glad to be amongst such awesome folks. You guys ROCK !!! I appreciate my SI friends so very much.
I've noticed that the SI community is one Hell of a bunch of really kewl and good people. Some are BS some are WS. All seem to be here cause they "Get" it. Here to heal, understand, help, work thru, move on, etc.
I'm saddened to be here, but I do like it here.
Plant's (vcalist/lyricist) own explanation of the lyrics was that it "was some cynical aside about a woman getting everything she wanted all the time without giving back any thought or consideration. The first line begins with that cynical sweep of the hand ... and it softened up after that."
Led Zeppelin-Stairway To Heaven
There's a lady who's sure
All that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
There's a sign on the wall
But she wants to be sure
'Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings
In a tree by the brook
There's a songbird who sings
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven
It makes me wonder
There's a feeling I get
When I look to the west
and my spirit is crying for leaving
In my thoughts I have seen
Rings of smoke through the trees
And the voices of those who stand looking
And it makes me wonder
And it's whispered that soon
If we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason
And a new day will dawn
For those who stand long
And the forest will echo with laughter
If there's a bustle in your hedgerow
Don't be alarmed now
It's just a spring clean for the May queen
Yes there are two paths you can go by
But in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on
And it makes me wonder
Your head is humming and it won't go
In case you don't know
The piper's calling you to join him
Dear lady can you hear the wind blow
And did you know
Your stairway lies on the whisperin' wind
And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our souls
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll
And she's buying a stairway to heaven...
I just got the biggest case of goosebumps for you!!
I'll never forget my lightbulb moment when I could finally put into words how messed up my XH is. When I realized he is an NPD.
They are the hardest to seperate from. It will be a constant struggle as they continually do a one upmanship for power. When I read your post about the Dr's office and your not being able to move, etc... I needed to let you know there are plenty that can relate.
So much of what they do is transparant, but only once you distance yourself from them. MY XH still likes to think of us as "friends" Why?? I mean friends don't do each other like he did... because, if we are "Friends" then he won, he didn't lose me, he just changed our roles.
Newsflash for him--- I'm not his friend, I don't even like him. I greet him in my superficial "Walmart Greeter's Voice" and pretend to listen to his whiny drivel and goings on.
As for the back to court and it being his word against yours. I used to be so terrified of my XH dragging me to court. He comes off as intelligent, well versed etc.... and has beat me down so much in the past, that I truly believed that I was uneducated, and wouldn't stand a chance against his highness.
Until the last go around in May--- He sent me a flurry of emails one after another because I wouldn't answer the phone. Long story short, he was upset because I dared to have a cousin over for son to play with, was cousin's Birthday. My son wanted to get him a cake. I worked with XH any damn time he wanted a variation in visitation... Well, he had a hissy fit.....
Never mind the fact, he had dumped his OW's pregnancy on son the week before by leaving a babyname book out on sons bed.
But, of course, it was all my fault. back to story, he sent me all of these emails, one after another, telling me how sorry I'd be, how I was alienating son from him... (((Uhhh no Asswipe that would be your own actions doing that, I simply pick up the pieces every time you disappoint son)))
I forwarded his barrage of emails to a lawyer friend, she tole me the court would see right thru him. That gave me inner strength because before that, I truly believed I'd come off as the one in the wrong-- that was due to years of him telling me how wrong I am.
Slowly my self esteem has been coming back.
You'll enjoy everyone here, so many stories have so many of the same elements. I can only read so many posts at a time here. I become to angry and emotionally upset. It's like tearing the bandage off of my own wounds. Other days, I can sail right thru the posts just depends where I am in my head.
The one thing I have to say, is that the people that are in this thread, this place, are some of the best, brightes, funniest and most compassionate people I've ever met.
That's one thing about Narcissists, they truly try to beat down the best and the brightest.
Hang in there honey, it will take days to digest, keep reading, there are so many helpful links, and helpful people here.
Post your medical record story hear DragonFly, you'll get some good advice.
Also, just read the verbal abuse bobelina posted... Mmmm, so many years I didn't have a word/phrase for what he put me thru. I simply thought I was nothing, less of a person, less perfect than him.
ONE thing that bugs me the most, is that I worshiped my XH. I will never again be capable of giving that same worshipping idolizing love to a spouse again.
On a lighter note, my NewH says, that love shouldn't be idealization. That my actions show him he is loved. He is not here to be worshiped but rather to be part of a team... still taking some getting used to for me.
So true, so true, so true. Ugggghhhhhh........