Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Lost1960 (43229)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: The N.P.D. Thread Part IV
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heck, its not a M, BoB, its a damned mental CHESS GAME which the N simply has to *win* each & every time...before pressing the *delete* button, of course.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((itsa))))
He is so freakin' rotten to DD9. He gets her all rilied up and "hating" him and now he's "super dad" with a cool party. What a tool.

I'm so sorry that he keeps pulling this crap on you and DD. And in true N fashion, you are not consulted, but you will have to bear the reprucussions of his abuse of DD.

What was that word often used to describe these disordered characters? Hmmmmmmm...
Was it Tool? Twit? Dink? NPD Freak? Asshole? Asshat? or was it Fucktard? Hmmmmmm.....

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((veritas))))
Your last post describing "NPD Freak", his new issue, and his cohort (or was the technical term CD *cum dumpster?) is NASTY !!!

I'm so sorry you and the kids are dealing with him.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone, (((Tribe))), (((Newbies))).

BoB, you KNOW I'll help in any way that I can. Anytime you want me to read anything, just let send it along. It's funny, isn't it, that I learned to edit out all the emotions years before I realized Bizarro was NPD. The easiest way to deal with him was to keep him placated and stick to incontrovertible fact. And hope that he actually gave half a damn about the issue at hand. I'm confident that your poor crazy wife does care about the kids. Yeah, I know that it's hard to deduce that from her actions, but I'm sure she does love them, and that's in your favor. Approach the table very matter of factly and immediate concede that you KNOW how much she loves the kids and that their best interests are the focus of both your lives--hell, even THANK her for her concern and for the wonderful idea of meeting to make sure that everyone understands the arrangements so that the kids won't be confused.

This doesn't make you a liar or a milquetoast--it just means you're too smart to waste your energy trying to be logical and straightforward with a crazy person. Make sense?

You can probably say everything that you need to say without inciting anger if you just remember that she CANNOT accept responsibility for her actions. CANNOT. Always phrase things in a way that makes it seem that you are comiserating with her. Example: Don't say "I can't understand why you would think it's OK to come and get the kids to spend time with you when you know that you will be working and will just drop them off with someone else." Instead, say something like "I really appreciate that you are trying so hard to hold up your end of the bargain by making arrangements to entertain the kids even when you have to work late, but I don't want you to have to worry about making these arrangements, and the kids have told me that they'd much rather wait until they can actually spend that time with you, so let's talk about what we can do to make it easier for you to spend time with them when you are off."

Now, I'm not telling you not to fight like a wildcat to protect your kids. You KNOW that. I'm just telling you not to fight when you can accomplish the same things via pure rhetoric. She doesn't deserve earnest conversation and explanations, nor will she respond positively. The rhetoric is easier to dish out (once you learn to do it) and will be much, much more effective.

I am ordinarily a very honest person--too honest for my own good, really, but sincerity just doesn't work with these people. All it does is give them ammunition and set you up for more pain. I don't recommend lying--what I'm suggesting is that you present a skewed version of reality--try to perceive things as she does and present a version that she can digest and understand, and one that accomplishes the desired outcome.

Hope this makes sense.

(((BoB)))


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly, Itsa.

Once you decide not to play the "game" any longer and have an attorney step in, you can go NC, and get your own life started much sooner.

Welcome newbies.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please forgive me if I'm being to vulgar today...

I think we have a name for their game, thanks Dream..

"Mind Fuck Chess"

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob: Isn't it though? And the hell of it is, she's apparently not even Gonorrhea Girl. That honor belongs to the one who was calling him from the ICF/MR. He stayed up all night last night trying to call her. I just called her number a few minutes ago. Either she's on the phone, or she has his number blocked. Gee, I wonder what he had to call her about at 3 am...

Longlost has it absolutely right. Even if your wife cares not at all for the kids, you have to make the pretense to her that you think she does. It's hard to get rid of a narcissist -- you still have to tiptoe around the ego, at least until you get something permanent established. Then you can abandon all pretense and let your lawyer handle the torpedos.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

I just caught up on the thread after a few days away. I had the misfortune of dealing with my freak Thursday. He was nasty and kept twisting around everything I said.

The strange part was when he made some comment about my school and I said I am already done (he knows this or should) and the degree is framed and on the wall. He wanted to see it. Then he turned to me and said "See, you didn't need me around to help at all". Say what? I never needed him, maybe that is a big part of his problem and why hooked up with his next victim, because I didn't need him. (of course through the whole thing he did all he could to undermine me)

I know it irks him that I have reached levels he could never attain.

I always hated chess and I guess now I know why.

Bob I don't negotiate with bullies and mine was that all through the divorce. I left the negotiations up to the lawyer who was able to get him and his lawyer to agree to the items of the divorce in the end. As much as you may want to avoid that route it is unlikely she will comply if it comes from you (or the 2 of you making the agreement another way). Most of the NPD seem to fear the consequences the courts can provide and that helps a bit to keep them in line. Even the really twisted ones don't really want to be in jail so they skirt the law as often as they can. anything less than the courts ability to enforce will just be another piece of paper.

Welcome newbies. Hope you find strenght from us to move through this garden of hell.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice to see you back & great post, lied2.

I totally agree about N's skating on thin ice but *fearing* court/prison consequences...in sad's case, that psycho seems to have made a fine art out of it for 5 + yrs. now so that despite sadtoo not wanting to *play* any MORE (thanks for that perfect name, BoB! ) Mind Fuck Chess games, she *has* been a participant/player as witnessed by the number of times she's had in going back/forth to court, the angst, more atty's expenses, etc.-- so its a bit simplistic sounding in my view, anyway, that once one "refuses" to play & turns it over to their lawyer -- that all will be well.
(Though in itsa's case, she finally *has* her house, he's NOT *stalking* her, but he's still just generally being a PITA in riling the children up from a distance.)

I feel once we are ever embroiled with an N, its pretty much a sort of Life Sentence IN playing Mind Fuck Chess (just as Threnody's N popped out after a 9 year hiatus ) ...sorry to be so dismal, but I feel it is like *this* in MOST cases involving an NPD because by very dint of being an N, by golly, they get to decide just WHEN THE GAME IS OVER.

'it is what it is'...& its not pretty; no, its pure EVIL!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm getting annoyed with you undermining my advice by posting right after me and inserting your eye-rolling icons about what I have to say.

1. I'm not legally married to him any longer. We are DIVORCED.

2. He's not living in my home.

3. I have retained my premarital property and our divorce settlement is complete.

4. I have no legal ties with him at ALL.

5. He is treated in the eyes of the law like any other common CRIMINAL on the street.

6. I don't have to depend on him for my living expenses or ANYTHING ELSE.

7. I don't have to negotiate with him on the phone, through email or through any other means of communication.

Yes. He sits in front of my house. I call the police and he's arrested. He goes to jail and charges are filed. I have another protection order. He has not been back since he's been arrested. He DOES fear going to jail.

Do you think I could have accomplished that by calling him on the phone and asking him "please don't sit in front of my house."??

Will he come back? Maybe. I'll call the police again. Charges will be filed again. Do I have to spend more money? Maybe. But so what? It's better than living in limbo and continuing to be manipulated.

I'm certainly not saying that my advice is the perfect fix, but it is the best approach. How's your way working???


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Debbie_Downer
♀ New Member
Member # 16058
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is WRONG with these people!?!?! Just last week, he threatened my life and now he is calling my cell phone every day since Saturday...

He also just sent me an email asking if I could meet him at the barber shop with my son so that he can get him a haircut...

So far, I haven't answered any of his calls or emails. I'm trying to keep my composure and not rile him up...

Should I do full NC? Honestly, I am not comfortable being around him right now. Just ignore his attempts at communication???


SOMETIMES REJECTION IS GOD'S PROTECTION...
Best friends since we were 12 years old...
Me: BS (27 yrs old)
Him: NPD ex (28 years old)
Married: Nov 7, 2004
D-Day: 5/4/07 ---Divorced: 6/30/07

Posts: 16 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Georgia
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmmmmm...
Do I sense some animosity here amongst the (((Tribe))) of Lightbulbs and Toasters? I would hope not. We are in this together. We all have experiences relavant to the NPD experience. No two N exposusers play out the same. As much as Ns are fairly running by the script, there are variances of that script. Also as I understand NPD runs the gamut up to and including Sociopath (APD) formerly known as Psychopath. I understand that NPD to APD is a continuim, hence it appears that sadtoo's N fits APD as much if not more than NPD where others have less APD in the mix. It is what it is. Mine? 50/50 I'm thinking. Whatever. It is what it is. Regardless of the degree or the manifestation, they are warped and they have caused us and or continue to cause us, to walk in the "Garden of Hell". It is what it is.

We are in this together, as we are all involved on this board. Please kiss and make nice. We need all of us here.

Just my 3 1/2 cents.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you seem to take a LOT what I say all wrong, sadtoo, as this was NOT my intention at all...& I do believe we are entitled to our individual opinions here & I was merely expressing MINE, just as YOU are entitled to express YOURS.

As I have already mentioned, I am not at great liberty currently to discuss *on the board* just HOW my way is *working* out, but rest assured -- it IS.

ETA: hugs, debbie. and, I wish you *peace* & support.

BoB~ Thank you...& I could not *agree* with you MORE that we all do need each other, & differing input at such a complex sitch here.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 9:45 AM, December 10th (Monday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did I mention that all you Ladies here are really HOT ?

Seriously, you are some really cool people. Them there Ns have lost some amazing Ladies with their follies.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kelly: Excellent post. My N did the *friends* thing too. My response was the same as yours. I'm sure he tells people how well we get along now. How every thing is all just *wonderful*.

BoB: Remember NC= no new hurt. I have found that not letting my emotions show, including my frustration, works best. Spin is so vital in continued communication when you have children involved. Remember with a N their ego is all important. LL gave you great spin wording there. I take it from "this is no longer a M but a business" stance. Always address what is in it for them.

Lied2: I heard the "see you never needed me" thing too. My reply was the things I needed you for you never understood. And it sucks that they don't and never will understand what we really needed them for.

The lawyer vs no lawyer thing I feel really depends on whether or not your N is malignant. Personally I save it for the huge issues. My N does not like *professional* settings so the lawyer's office makes him extremely uncomfortable. My N is not well versed in the laws and relies on others to tell him the *facts*. In my reading of other's stories, they are forced to be a the lawyer's every other day. I do feel I am *lucky* in this aspect.

There are no winners when dealing with a N. There is only surviving and healing.

Many positive thoughts for all.

DF

[This message edited by downfall at 10:25 AM, December 10th (Monday)]


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right Bob - my ex manipulates my daughter just like he did with me for many years. I agree with what LL said about using your language and style carefully so you can manipulate them back. It is a technique that seems to work with my pet freak!
I had a couple of things happen yesterday when "it" came over to collect the kids. First of all, my dd asked him to get the christmas tree out of the loft. As he was climbing the steps they collapsed and he was left hanging from the ceiling! The temptation to kick the remainder of the steps from under him was overwhelming!! Failing that a swift karate chop in the privates!! I restrained myself but goodness knows how!

Secondly just as the kids were getting ready to go the hoover came on unexpectedly. I said that was spooky! He said it must be all the electricity around him. He then said it is probably because of all of the bullshit surrounding him. Was this a moment of self-awareness?? I was stunned that he had even this moment of clarity. The thing is it left me unsettled. Is this the nearest thing to an apology I will ever have? Is he aware of what he does? Does he feel bad for what he does? I know there are no answers but ...
I have put his behaviour down to his condition but can he really help himself? I think yes...

Keep strong everyone.


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

downfall, a good case in point here:

I told my N that my relatives are asking HOW we are *doing*...what should I say?
What little note should I write in my Xmas cards to them?

N responded, "Just tell them all that 'everything's FINE with US'
Well, it is not...and he wants me to perpetuate his falsehood?
I don't think so...

BoB~ What did you have for breakfast? You and Chloe @ the "kiddie table"...
Thanks for *smoothing* things out.

ETA: itsa, you slay me...'pet freak'...will now become a part of MY vocabulary!
I'm trying to stay strong...united we stand, right?

[This message edited by dreamlife at 10:57 AM, December 10th (Monday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dream,

I'm a bit passive-aggressive. The first year I just sent out all the Christmas cards signed Me & the Kids. No explanation. Just left him off.

Honestly, most respected the obvious and didn't ask.

DF


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, downfall...why didn't I think of *that*?!
(Actually I was really CURIOUS as to what N would say about it, to be honest.)

There's next year...


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, December 10th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies,
He "doesn't exist", remember? LOL.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.