[This message edited by bobelina at 4:17 PM, December 10th (Monday)]
I feel like I'm living at an elevated alertness mode lately. The looming divorce with xNPD, his birthday here shortly, and the holiday season are all making me very nervous that he'll attempt to contact me again. I deleted my MySpace account, which is how he was contacting me. The only thing he'd have left is to look me up in the phone book, but I highly doubt he'll remember my married name. At most on the web, he'll find old writings of mine that have my name hyphenated. We'll see if he can do the math, I guess.
As I was typing that last paragraph, I had a glory moment. I realized I can't remember the date of his birthday. And that day will mark the very last time I talked to him, in 1996. He called me -- get this, I was in bed with Mr. Threnody -- to say he was thinking about me. Well not only was I not thinking about him, but when I hung up the phone I turned to Mr. Threnody and asked if we were going to finish what we started, or should we go for a walk? I remember the snow was falling that night and that's why we were cuddled, etc. to begin with.
SadToo, I'm sure you mentioned this at some point somewhere, but I've forgotten. Did your N re-appear after a long silence, or has he been this combative and stalky ever since your d-day/divorce? The reason I ask is that I've been wondering where exactly my N is going with this. I thought I was lucky and got deleted permanently. Now I'm looking at all cases of them trying to re-insert themselves into the lives of their ex-partners. I know the actions of yours are extreme when compared to what mine is doing so far, but as with many N's it does seem that escalation is the word of the day. I want to be mentally prepared and aware of what the signs are.
Hugs for you all today. It's suddenly cold, with a wet mist just hanging in the air. I'd like to go outside for a walk, but I'm entirely too thin-blooded for cold weather now and I think I'd just end up grumpy afterwards. End the grump! No grump allowed! Because grumpy is when I get more anxious. Or maybe it's the other way around. At any rate, why prime the pump if I don't want to drink the water.
This is my opinion about NPD's.
The stalking and the "not letting go" factor has much to do with their over-blown sense of entitlement.
They REALLY BELEIVE that they are entitled to (fill in the blank) They become obsessed. It could be anything. It could be your family inheritance that the NPD has NO legal claim to, it could be you personally, it could be your home, it could be your car, it could be other personal property, it could be just a "control" thing where they just want to know where you are and what you're doing.
They believe they are entitled to what ever it is and they see nothing wrong with obtaining any information about (what ever it is) in any way they can.
With my situation, my XNPD became accustomed to my lifestyle and reassigned it as his own. We were married for a very short time and the majority of our assets were my pre-marital assets. He could not and still to this day can not let it go that he has NO LEGAL CLAIM to what was mine before we were married.
In reality, he was looking for a free ride. He thought that he should be able to throw me away and keep all of my "stuff." He wanted my house, my savings from before we were married, my horses that I owned before I met him, and even 1/2 of my inheritance from my family trust.
He's mad because it didn't work out that way.
He left our marriage with just what he came with, Nothing.
He stalks and harasses because I believe he thinks he can scare and intimidate me. I think he'd like to see me out of this house. I think he has told so many lies (like I lost the house) that if any of his "friends" or family found out I still lived here, he'd be further exposed as the liar he is.
I also think they come back because things in their own life have gone to shit like they always will. They go back to the prior relations to "test the waters" and see if there's a chance. Remember, the only thing that changes in the NPD's life are the victims. They never get any better.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:52 PM, December 10th (Monday)]
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
It is "Fruitcake" Season, isn't it? LOL.
I wouldn't have said that initially. Throughout the relationship, and for almost a year afterward, he had some serious ownership issues in regards to me, my money, my talent. Everything I was, had, or would have in the future was his. Full stop. So I was incredibly surprised when contact from him suddenly ceased. I figured he found someone else who could give him these sorts of things and that I was off the hook.
In a sense, I was write. That's about the time he met his STBXW. And now that it's gone south with her, he's back apparently. So far, I don't know for what. I haven't read any of his messages to me, and now they're completely deleted along with that avenue of communication.
I'm wondering if he ever truly went away. I go round and round on that point, and I think I'm driving myself a little nuts over it. Has he been watching me this whole time? He's had numerous other ways to contact me, but hasn't. Or was he just bummed out one night and on MySpace and started typing in the names of people he knew, came across mine and decided to message me?
I have to wonder what your xNPD thinks he has to gain from you at this point. I suppose just the sick satisfaction of thinking he has you spooked. I mean, it's ridiculous (isn't it? well, maybe not to an N) to think that at this late date you're going to sign over your assets. "Here, you're right. Take this. It should have gone to you." Is it your opinion that he's now just doing it for the control? Well, that and, as you said, to spook you out of living in that house.
We just can't make this crap up. It's all so strange, foreign. It's truly as if they were raised and educated on some other planet. Nothing they do or say makes any sense at all. I am driving myself mad with it. But past history suggests that the minute I let go of it all and begin to ignore it, he'll force his presence upon me again.
I don't want a lifetime sentence of having to remain aware of him. Emotionally speaking, I'm detached and indifferent. It's dealing with the interruptions that has me upset.
On Nov 27th I inquired about Christmas arrangements. I have not received an answer yet. It is only two weeks away, and I would like to be able to solidify plans for the children.
On Oct 30th, I asked that you provide me with the dental insurance information as soon as possible as the children are in need of treatment. I still do not have that information. I would like to take them in for treatment over their winter break which starts *insert date* and ends *insert date*. Most dental offices will be closed a majority of this time; I am unsure if I can get appointments at this late date as it is. Please send me an insurance card or update me as to the status of this.
DD has a doctor's appointment on *insert day, date* at *insert time* to check on her warts again. I will pick the kids up from school.
DD's Christmas concert is *insert day & date* at *time*. She needs to be there about *insert time*. Will you be bringing her or should I pick them up early to get her ready?
I would appreciate if you would please advise me of appointments that the children have. I do not know the last time or when they are scheduled to visit with *counselor name* again.
Also, many times we have discussed how we should communicate. Each time it has been decided that email is the best method. We have specifically outlined reply times and expectations. The fact that you choose not to check your email does not negate that this is the decided upon method. If you wish to change the method of communication, please arrange an appointment for us with *mediator* to discuss the matter.
I'm not really expecting an answer to this but I'll let you know if I get one. He has learned how to mimic the NC behavior well; so we'll see.
Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles
I know in my situation he so much wanted to be involved with horses and wanted to be an expert rider. He wanted to live a particular lifestyle. He didn't have any horses of his own, nor did he live anywhere near the lifestyle he claimed to desire. (This should have been my first major red flag.) Instead of seeing this as a red flag, I saw this as having something in common. Looking back, I know now that this was my first experience with his words not matching the circumstances.
When he was removed from our home via protection order, I had a chance to go through all of his personal belongings. I found that he had kept track of his former girlfriend. He told me that she was a psycho and that she called him all the time, that she had cheated on him while they were together and treated him horrible. According to the information I found, the opposite was actually true. He had kept track of her over the past 10 years. He knew when she had moved, when she had gotten married, divorced, had a child, etc.
I have spoke with this woman since we split. She has told me that he stalked her well into our marriage. With her, he did not stop until she moved out of state.
She never involved the police because at the time he WAS A POLICE OFFICER. I can't imagine anything more horrible. She said that noboby would help her.
He has since been fired from that job. That's a whole other chapter.
I think some of what makes it "worse" is if your are the one who is the "dumper." The NPD's fragile ego cannot handle the rejection at all. Nobody dumps, divorces, breaks up with, or ends a relationship with an NPD. Only the NPD does the dumping. YOU are only to be considered the "dumpee."
If you are the "dumper" you will be PUNISHED!!
What does mine have to gain? I think at this point he's thinking, if he can't have the house, he doesn't want me in it either. Who knows. On the other hand, I don't think he would be happy unless I was a bag lady out living in the streets.
As far as contacting you directly, I don't think that's the NPD style. It's to risky for the fragile NPD ego. If he calls on the phone, what if you hang up on him? He couldn't take it. So they do this freaky stuff.
Someone told me that they thought that my XNPDH was sitting outside my house hoping I'd go running out there into his arm.
Gag, puke. Can you even imagine??
I mean even *IF* that was his intention, why not call, send a letter or whatever and start by saying he's sorry for all of the horrible pain he's put me through? Nope. Not the NPD.
They're so f'ed up.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 6:24 PM, December 10th (Monday)]
Threnody: I tell people all the time I cannot make this stuff up. My father was a seminarian, my mother almost became a nun. How the hell did I end up with not only a psychopath, but one they found on the Springer show? He smiled and joked about having to be tested all weekend, even nostalgically told me about the first time he got gonorrhea, then cheerily called me to tell that it would be 5 days before he got his test results. Yeah, right. He saves everything; guess who'll be sneaking a peek at the discharge sheet???
sadtoo: Ain't a misplaced sense of entitlement a b*tch??? In our case, it is the opposite way around: he has more, that he acquired during the marriage (we made the same amount of money for a long time) and he does not want to split it up. He sees no reason why he "should" be forced out of "his" home just because I am too stupid to forgive him for things that he never confessed to or apologized for.
[This message edited by veritas at 4:43 PM, December 10th (Monday)]
That sense of entitlement thing is UNbelievable.
I'm ecstatic to report that I *felt* NOTHING for him anymore...not even PITY.
Newbies, time does heal!
However, he was flirting with me, flashing his best smile/dimples, & inwardly I just kept thinking...Ugh, you uber pathetic POS!
Now, when I don't even *react* negatively like this, I should be completely healed according to IC.
I have seen him a few times, but not allowed him to see ME in close to a year so this, my Friends, IS a major Victory!
cj, I am indebted to you for centering me with that *man in the box* thingie...& my Mantra during our pleasant exchange was :
'You are not REAL...& you are never coming back!'
Bob~ great news!
[This message edited by dreamlife at 7:30 PM, December 10th (Monday)]
He's acting like those words... What were they again? Dink? Dick? Bastard? Freak? Asshole? Asshat? Fucktard? Psychopath? ... Hmmmmmm.... I'm not quite sure at the moment...
Enjoy your day folks!
I'm almost afraid to ask, but are any of you still married to your NPD spouse? Is this just a death sentence for our M??? I'm going to work on finding a C who can help ME deal with all of this and provide some insight on how to deal with H. I'm praying IC will help me with not only knowing how to react to him, but with possibly getting him some help. I know IF he won't get help at some point I have to call it quits. He has caused me so much anxiety. For a long time I couldn't sleep b/c he used to wake me up screaming at me in the morning wanting his socks etc. Most of the time they were in his drawer and he hadn't even bothered to look. He wouldn't even wake me up and then yell. I woke up to him slamming doors and screaming at 5am. I never realized how bad it was until he stopped. I kept waking up in a panic shaking!!! I was so scared that he was going to start screaming at me. Even now if he wakes me up I jump up fearful of what he's going to be angry about. I've actually jumped out of bed and asked "what did I do!!" Some of this has stopped, but he stillas me afraid of him. He's never been physically abusive, but htere are times I won't even ask if I can run to the store for fear that he'll yell at me. I am doing my best to start living my own life! To try to break some of the control. Which at times backfires as he either gets super paranoid or enraged.
Any advice you can offer would be helpful. DO I have any hope for my marriage.
[This message edited by veritas at 2:49 PM, December 11th (Tuesday)]
No one can make the call about whether your marriage can succeed except you. If your H does indeed have the full-blown Narcissistic personality disorder, the experts don't hold out much hope. In my opinion, and it is ONLY my opinion, you HAVE to try. But do educate yourself and take advantage of all the support that you can muster.
We are here for you, but we are not enough.
The only way to make a marriage work with an NPD is to put your own feelings aside (even your feelings of being scared when he's screaming at you) and put his first. You have to overlook and accept his screaming and yelling and never ending unbelievable demands, bend over backwards to meet his demands (without complaining) and give into his every whim, because as we all know thier sense of entitlement knows no bounds. You must never cry, or complain, or talk about your own feelings. You must constantly praise and compliment your NPD no matter how horrible he acts and no matter how horrible he treats you. You must look the other way when he cheats on you, because he's entitled. (You are not) And always, always remember that these rules ONLY apply to you. He can do whatever he wants and you look the other way.
If you can do this, your marriage might survive.
Marriage counseling doesn't work because the problems in the marriage are yours. If you're not doing all of the above, YOU are the problem. If you would just do those things, there would be NO problems.
I'm being sarcastic of cource, but this is the reality of trying to make any relationship with an NPD work.
I'm am divorced from my XNPDH and have been for almost four years. We have been seperated for almost SEVEN years, but of course the divorce dragged on forever.
I would highly recommend getting help (IC) for yourself. A good therapist can help you work through some of the abuse you have experienced in your marriage.
Stick with us here. We can help you work through this difficult time. The abuse one endures with an NPD can be extremely damaging.