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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: The N.P.D. Thread Part IV
shambles07
♀ Member
Member # 14217
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just that one time. He refuses to go to C for it though. The first couple of months he was very remourseful. I "think" he truly was when he thought I might leave. Once he realized I wasn't going anywhere he started telling me to just get over it. He preys on my fear of D. Everytime we fight he threatens to leave. I did stand up last time he did it though. I told him "whatever, it's your choice" Then he pouted and wouldn't speak to me until I acted like it never happened. There have been times befor ewhere he has refused to talk to me or even look at me for entire days b/c he was pouting. It's very hard to take!


Me BS- 32
divorcing

Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: midwest
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shambles, I believe you said he has these like "tantrums" what with the screaming, etc.

<Ll~ good & clever one there about him being an Nfant! >

But, he's not physically abusive, right?

Do you have a room with a good
secure lock that you can move into while he vents?

What would happen if you told him, "NO", & just walked away?

If you tune him out, it might help to stop the bullying.

Personally, I just couldn't take living in the same home with some one like that.

Have you contacted your local Battered Women's Shelter?
He IS *emotionally* battering you & what is really horrible is that the 4 children are seeing this! And, it might progress to physical violence one day...

I'm curious: How does he behave around his friends?

Is he a jerk around them as well? Does he even have any friends?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he had a ONS with your brother's wife? Are they still together? I can't imagine family dinners at your house.

I'm suspicous that this is not his only time. Having a ONS with a "family" member is a very fine line to cross and one that I wouldn't think one would cross unless they were accustomed to the act of cheating and getting away with it.

I would guess that he is only sorry that he got caught.

Did he blame you or her or her H or anyone else for the affair (ONS) or did he take full responsibility for his actions?

Sorry for so many questions. I'm just trying to get a clear picture of him and his thinking.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 4:37 PM, December 11th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
shambles07
♀ Member
Member # 14217
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry I wasn't clear. It was a 4 week affair. They had a regular meeting time and place. Idon't think he's cheated on ME before. But he did brag to the OW that he had cheated on his ex~w and "got away with it". He used the "you're always busy with the kids, not fullfilling my needs, baby in bed excuse at first. He never blamed her. He did tell his coworkers that my brother made the whole thing up (at the begining when he was denying he told me she was making it up it was all a lie). I set them straight and told his family and may of his coworkers the truth. Later on he did take full responsibility. It was like he got off on it though. He was emailing my brother (Nfantile email war between them)he stated "at least I take responsibility and admit they were my actions and I was wrong, unlike OW who hides by saying she was depressed and didn't know any better". So I don't really see that as a good thing. I know my kids deserve better which is why I'm here. If it's possible for him to get better that would be my preference. If not, I know I need to make some hard decisions. He doesn't have "friends", but when we're around other people he's "the great guy". Charming, sweet puts his arm around me. There was an instance years ago where we were at a restaraunt. He bumped into me and at first didn't realize it was me, he said "oh I'm so sorry!" then once he realized it was me his face went angry and he said "get out of the fucking way!!!!" THat's how he is, he would treat a stranger on the street better than his family. When he talks to people at work he's all sir and maam. How are you today, that's great! He calls me and it's where the fuck are you why aren't you home!


Me BS- 32
divorcing

Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: midwest
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that most "friends" and non-frequent associates of an NPD would be shocked to see how they act at home and toward their family and toward those they claim to "love."

I was wondering because it is common for NPD's to be serial cheaters, pathalogical liars, have muliple marriages / relationships, live double lives, etc.

The "bragging" to the OW is interesting. It's an odd thing to "brag" about, don't you think? I mean, assuming they were starting a relationship, (in the fantasy land of affairville) would you go into it bragging how you got away with cheating with the prior spouse? Odd yes, but unfortunately this sounds very normal for an NPD. The inappropriate association of emotion / circumstances / consequenses.

You say that he eventually took "full responsibilty" for his actions. I have to disagree with you. Taking full responsiblity involves admitting TOTALLY what you have done, coming completely clean, being totally honest, and doing everything that needs to be done in order to repair the damage. He needs to be kissing your ass and thanking God every day that you didn't throw his ass out in the street where he belongs. He should be GRATEFUL. But he's not. He's expecting YOU to be grateful that he didn't leave you.

Again, the inappropriate reponse.

He has not taken full responsibility. He is in the "just get over it" mode.

I think you are so beaten down with the abuse, you are willing to accept this breadcrumb he has offered as him taking responsiblity.

I know my kids deserve better which is why I'm here.

I'm not sure what you meant by this? Here meaning there with him, or here at SI in the NPD forum?

[This message edited by sadtoo at 6:06 PM, December 11th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shamble - I know what it is like to fear leaving the npd freak; the fear of divorce; the fear of everything about him. But you do not have to live like this. He is a nasty piece of work and by the sound of things he is never likely to change.
I feared a nervous breakdown and he took me to the lowest point imaginable. I am saying this because I know what it is like for you.
It came to a point when I had to make a decision to live or slowly die at his hands. I now realise that this was no way to present a decent view of parenting to my children. But my mind was so messed up.
However, I chose to live and take control back. If I can do it, anyone can. I want you to know that you can go on to live a happy life; I still have issues and problems but I am a million times happier than when he lived under the same roof as me.
You do not have to put up with this treatment. He is living off your fear. I am sorry that you are in this situation but you are able to change it if that is what you decide to do.
Good Luck.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
puturpictureaway
♀ Member
Member # 7907
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone!

I read these posts and I just get chills! It brings back the memories. I am so thankful that I got out of there when I did.

I ask myself, how did I ever live like that-- how could I not see him for what he is? Why did I let go of myself, my backbone and my world.

Because, we all know that it isn't our world, in a Marriage with an NPD-- it is there world. They create it. They are the reason it is possible, and they can dang sure cut you out of the world so quickily--- Mine would ice me out.

In that, he would simply not talk to me. I'd ask a question, or make a statement. He'd not answer-- I'd repeat myself, and he would say that didnt merit a response. And, that was on the good days.

I spent almost fifteen years trying to make him happy. Trying to be the "good" person. Now that I am out of there, and in a healthy relationship, I see I was his personal servant, ego stroker, prostitute---(as there was never any true intimacy with him. The sex was good, but it was a performance for him. There never was a connection, on his part, a letting down of the guard-- back to the ego stroking--) Sadly enough, he made me feel like a whore.

I was to worship him. I was to be grateful for how good I had it. How lucky I was to be able to stay home. Truth is, he didn't allow me to have a job, that meant I'd not be serving him in a sense. How much better his life would be if I earned six figures and he could stay home.

The sock thing---OMG!! I had to match the socks perfectly. The blacks couldnt have faded differently, etc. And, yes, it was my job to know where they were at all times. I had to make sure his shirts were taken to the cleaners, and it was my fault the cleaners made his shirts have ring around the color.

He wore sixty dollar shirts. I shopped at goodwill. I was made to feel indebted to him because I was lower than him. I was lucky to have him.

Oops, rambling.

I forgot where I was going with this post.

I'll be back,
Kelly


I put your picture away. Sat down and cried today.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: near -We are Penn State, PA-
1SadDude
♂ Member
Member # 16579
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally ended up here. I was thinking for the longest time that wife was BPD but NPD seems more likely. MC yesterday talked to her for about a half hour about why she continues to do things that are self destructive. MC only really knows about our story but the same things happened in WW's childhood w/parents.

WW is in IC but based on what she has told me there is not traveling down an NPD path but that isn't really my place...

I'm so lost right now, I read the posts on this board and I see us. I'm scared because it doesn't seem like there is happy end game WITH our family together (kids 2/4/6). I'm starting to feel that I'm N too for staying in this destructive environment.


Me BH 40+
Her WW 40+
Kids 4/6/8

Posts: 480 | Registered: Oct 2007
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N's and housework: mine is FANATICAL about housework. He's lazy, but everything must be in a certain place, and if it is not in that certain place, he starts throwing things around. Furthermore, I can only have a plain cotton mop and simple cleaning implements. Definitely no Swiffer anything. Nothing that would make cleaning up easier or more enjoyable.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Newbies!

V,
Funny you mention the house cleaning stuff. My XNPD was a fanatic about house cleaning too. When we first met, I had a cleaning service. After we got married he insisted that I cancel the service and do it myself. (like I had time) Then he went on to dictate how it should be done, right down to what products I used and how and where they should be stored. Then he would go around and "inspect" to see that things were done the way he wanted.

If it wasn't he would order me to do it again.

I'd be like, "If it's not good enough, do yourself" And the fight would be on.

I mean why not just leave it alone? The cleaning service was doing a great job and I had more time to do other things. Total crazy making.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:29 PM, December 12th (Wednesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((1SadDude))))
I'm in the process of divorcing my apparent APD/NPD STBXPDW. I've discovered that to continue with her is a no win situation.

Your not crazy. Your in a crazy making situation. Talk with IC or MC, alone. Express your concern that she maybe disordered. Get help for yourself. Your in for the battle of yours and the kids lives if she is NPD. Protect your ass and assets. LOL. Read my recent posts on the female variety of N.

BoB (A dude)


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I read about the house cleaning Issues here...it boils down to one thing to me:

CONTROL!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my God, yesterday bit the wax tadpole. It was the skid-mark on the stretched-out tightie whities of Suck.

I had an N dream. Then the kids were being monsters. Then the MC appointment with Mr. Threnody.

I cried all the way home from the appointment, then immediately had to pick my eldest up from school. The fighting began immediately between the siblings. I drove with a white-knuckle grip on the steering wheel, still crying.

Mr. T came home early, brought dinner items from the deli, and ushered me out of the dining room so I didn't have to listen to the quibbling.

It took me several hours to get a grip. We finally watched a movie (hilarious film "Keeping Mum," but it may be very triggery for some who are new to infidelity) and made love. And I woke up this morning after having another stressful night of dreams.

I am rambling. I'm just in mid-freak, I guess. I probably won't feel better until the holidays are gone. Then I think I'm out of the window of contact possibility.

I feel like my head is on the block and I'm blindfolded, waiting for the final chop.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((threnody))) I am so sorry things didn't go so well for you yesterday. Can your doctor prescribe something for that, maybe? A few sleeping pills?

On the other hand, reading this:

It was the skid-mark on the stretched-out tightie whities of Suck.

sure made my afternoon a little better.

*every little thing is going to be all right*
*one of my kids told me that what he wanted for christmas was for his brother to stop beating him up; the other said he wanted for his brother to quit calling him gay and a retard*
*i then wanted some earmuffs and a quiet spot in Farthest Asia, Africa, Australia, Anywhereia Away From Thereia*

[This message edited by veritas at 1:42 PM, December 12th (Wednesday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Threnody)))

Oh, those dreams! They feel so real and so immediate. They permeate everything. You hang in there, Girl. It will fade back again soon.

Meanwhile, when you get that head-on-the-chopping-block feeling, visualize something else on that chopping block, and you wield that Santoku!

CHOP-CHOP!!


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ll~

(((hugs, thren, & Veritas)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
wantmore
♀ Member
Member # 5939
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My EX wanted the house really clean but he never wanted to hear the vacum or smell the chemicals. And he worked at home so he never was out.

Grrrr.


Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Of course it helps to know you *have* enemies.

Posts: 2887 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Florida
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many here told their N to just go get *stuffed* about this housework crapola?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did! Early in the marriage, he started that white-glove bullshit and started going behind me and re-doing what I had done, so I told him he could just do it himself. I never had any great ambition to be a housekeeper anyway. Of course, I had to listen to him announce to the world that he had to do *everything* from then until the bitter end. All his silly ass ever really did was sweep and dust. Hey, I LIKE dust bunnies!!!


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
DD123
♀ Member
Member # 13369
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anybody around tonight? If so I need to do some serious NPD venting via PM!


Married 16 years
Kids - 16, 15, 7
D-day 12/4/06.
Many add'l d-days; many false Rs
Separated 3/18/07; Divorced 2/20/08

"Women are like tea bags...you never know how strong they are until they are in hot water!!!"


Posts: 667 | Registered: Jan 2007
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