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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: The N.P.D. Thread Part IV
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true, veritas. They *do* listen to whoever called. and a clever mindfucker knows that.

It just blew my mind that I'd known him that long and had *no* idea he was such a bastard! He had the "perfect guy" facade going...and it just ooogs me out thinking of the sheer *numbers* of these psychos walking among us! I dunno if he's a true-blue N, but he's definitely got traits...

anywhoo, thanks again (((V))) and (((dragonfly))). It's the first trigger I've had in awhile. And hopefully the last for awhile.

Threnody- you ok hun?


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a lot it depends on where one lives, but bear in mind that N's are superb "actors"/"actresses" & CAN be extremely convincing to the cops...my N was really trying to get me to throw something at him. I could tell he was *pushing* HARD by driving me NUTS. So, I decided that the N Mind Fuck had to GO before he played *victim* & I was the one who was leaving my home for DV!

Huge hugs for her, NoC.
Man, & that is COLD!!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm hanging in there, NoControl. You're sweet to ask.

I fell ill day before yesterday with the flu and I'm recovering. We have holiday parties tonight and tomorrow night and I'm barely coping ATM with the kids. I've been posting about it in F&G. Not one of my brighter parenting days.

I think I decoded the dream I had that set me off earlier in the week. I think my mature, wise Self was telling my hopeful Self that the past happened and that I should let it be. Every time I ignored that advice, NPD would appear and hurt me. The dream cycled through this three or four times. I woke up frightened, in spiritual agony, and clinging to Mr. Threnody. It was horrific, in a sense, because even the refuge of my marriage bed feels violated when I have these sorts of dreams. It was all the more upsetting because of the recent attempts at contact. It just feels like my safe places are being whittled down. It's extremely hard for me to verbalize at this point. I've been talking out loud to myself as I do housework and whatnot. Trying to find words for it. Nothing has sounded quite right yet, nothing has had the ring of truth. But I'm getting closer. I believe that if I can firmly identify whatever it is about this that's bothering me so much, I'll be able to smash it and kill it and heal past it.

And, like the cycles in the dream, that's what my life has been like for about 12 years now. Identify, kill, heal. Identify, kill, heal. Over and again. I'm very tired of it.

Warm hugs for all the tribe on what is for me a grey and misty day. I'm not looking forward to doing a fancy hairstyle for this kind of weather, so I may just let my frizz flag fly. It's a mistake for me to try to go sleek and formal anyway. It's like putting a mastiff in a tutu and expecting a good performance of "Swan Lake."


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DL- they are so adept at doing that, aren't they? The pushing buttons thing...pushing us past the point of no return so that all you can do is either snap (and get BEYOND pissed) or break (and fall into a million teary little pieces). Either way, you're fucked, and they "win".

I wonder if anyone's ever done any MRI-type brain scans on these fuckers, to see if maybe synapses are firing differently, or if it really *is* a choice. Once again, is it nature or nurture??? Hmmm...

Thren- I'm so sorry you have to try to parent *and* get ready to party with the tummy acrobatics. Mastiff in a tutu? I bet you'll look fabulous...

Hope everyone's well!


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Helpless  Posted: 12:30 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((All Parents)))

I was thinking about Bob's little girl, and all the other children who, for lack of "serious" abuse or neglect issues, still have to spend significant amount of time with an NPD. As a parent, how do you let go? I think that is my biggest reason for staying. At least while I am here, I can control somewhat what goes on.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking about Bob's little girl, and all the other children who, for lack of "serious" abuse or neglect issues, still have to spend significant amount of time with an NPD. As a parent, how do you let go? I think that is my biggest reason for staying. At least while I am here, I can control somewhat what goes on.

I'm still working on letting go, but I can tell you this - my children are healthier from having less contact with him. Whiel at home with me, at my house, they have a stable home and get to see how two healthy adults interact with each other (before I starting dating BF, they got to see how a healthy woman could go forth and care for her own ON her own, which I think is a very good lesson to learn, even if it's the hard way by living it). They get to see healthy adults have healthy relationships with extended family.

They get stability, warmth, love that is not conditional on some randomly assigned test, an opportunity to be THEMSELVES instead of who he wants them to be, and the knowledge that Mommy loves them very much because of just who they are, not how their behavior reflects on me.

I control what happens at my own home, and they are there more than half the time. Soon, they will be there nearly all the time, with even less contact. When I was with him, they were subjected either to him or his absent presence (I don't know how else to say that - even when he wasn't there, he LOOMED) at all times.

My house is free of him, and we are all better for it.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 729 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC,
From what I remember in reading (It may have been the "Sociopath Next Door" by Stout and/or "Without Conscience" by Hare, both excellent reads by the way concerning the disordered) that said that MRI has shown that the disordereds brains are different.

It seems that the final solidification of the changed brain happens in the late teens/early adulthood.

Hope this helps.

(((Tribe))) Thank you for thinking of my little girl as I think often of your children. It is so hard to keep things together when dealing with an "N" and the childrens exposure to the "N". It is chaotic, unpredictable, unexplainable, insidious, with the constant monkey wrenches thrown about. Stability is wrecked, plans constantly modified, change, created and/or destroyed. Cat and mouse hell games. It really is a PITA. You have to kinda stay on top of it or suddenly you don't know whats going on, where your kids, are who their with, etc. Unbelievable. And it never stops. There is always some excuse, some, exception to the rule cause there never really is a rule. And then there is all the things that they say to the kids, the lying, the gaslighting, the "Mind Fucks", the insinuations of the other parent, on and on it goes (where it stops nobody knows)... Uggghhhhh.....

BoB

ETA: Lame spelling, clarification and additions.

[This message edited by bobelina at 1:49 PM, December 14th (Friday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's some show on cable....the name escapes me right now. Some Doctor (psychiatrist) does the show and he rates evil. For example mass murderers and other infamous criminals. He has also done test (MRI)on individuals who have narcissistic or sociopathic characteristics and there is a physical difference in their brains as well as a psychological difference. They don't have the same reaction to pain or fear. And one area (don't remember which area) is significantly smaller.

It's very interesting.

It seems as if it is on the Discovery Health Channel.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That *is* interesting! Thanks (((BoB))) & (((Sad)))!

For awhile now (when I'm not totally blinded by my hate for trail of tears), I've felt that these N's were human "blanks" walking among us. Like they were just put on this earth to wreak this havoc, to test us or something. But that they were soulless, so it's not really a "choice" or their "faults". It's like they're the dark angels of humanity or something. But I go back and forth on that alot.

Feel free to weigh in on this!


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob - I really don't like your ex; I feel like she needs a jolly good slap. Too tired indeed to take her daughter to a school function? Unbelivable! Your dd deserves better than this.
I hate it when these people hurt the kids - I think it is very difficult for children of npd freaks. Having a freak for an ex-husband will not stop me moving on but I don't know how the kids can escape unscathed by these people who pretend to be their parents.
So many new people...so sad.

I attended the kids christmas play last night with the freak...he is such a loser! I felt like I was sitting next to a stranger (and not a particularly nice one) and I wondered what I ever saw in it! He was still making the same stupid jokes he always made, he smelt of fags and his hair was cut into a pudding-bowl style (ow used to be a hairdresser and is obviously practising 70's looks ). He looked like someone I wouldn't want to associate with. Meanwhile I thought I looked pretty hot - nice hair (longer and blonder than when I was with the freak), smart clothes, a happy face as just had my accupuncture, a homeowner, financially secure etc. All of the things I wasn't when I was with him!!
I looked at him and thought I was way out of his league!! I used to believe he was better looking than me and I was lucky to have such a nice-looking man. Now I realise he was lucky to have me. He is an ugly man on the inside and outside and I am not. This was quite a revelation to me as many people have told me it was the mismatch of the century in terms of appearance (how shallow I am to be even going on about this!!) but this was the first time I have seen it myself. For the first time in his company I felt good about myself and that I was an attractive woman. Huge step forward.


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ITS!!!)))
Once again you have blown me away with your *huge* strides and postive outlook! That post was so freaking awesome & I am just SO DAMN excited for you and that things are going so well!

YOU GO GIRL!


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, December 14th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravo, itsa!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Itsa))), I am so happy for you. These tears are for you, my friend. It is no crime for us to feel beautiful and confident! Enjoy! You deserve it.

LL


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your kind words guys; I know for certain I couldn't have done it without you all. It was a small triumph for all of us because if I can stand there after all of his abuse and think "actually I am pretty great" then so can we all.
It was a good feeling and I hope you all feel it someday soon.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Changing to a very serious topic with NPDs - the ultimate power and control issue is murder. I attend a weekly support group for victims of doestic violence. One of our women and her 2 children were murdered this week by her NPD ex-husband.

Be very, very careful dealing with these soulless creatures. If you are in danger, contact your local domestic violence hotline. If you're not sure whether or not you cuold be in danger, contact your local domestic violence hotline.

The woman who was murdered yesterday was told to put together a safety plan, and yet she felt she didn't need it yet. Now at the age of 27 she is dead, her children ages 2 and 4 are dead.

The ultimate power and control for an NPD is murder. It does happen to normal, regualr, unsuspecting people.

The NPD is a dangerous person.


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

discombobulated,
I'm so sorry about your support group friend and her children.

You are right. The obsessive behavior that the NPD displays is ALL about control.

I think sometimes victims become so *used* to the NPD's bad behavior and just accept it. We walk on eggshells trying to avoid the next fallout. In reality we are living with a human timebomb and don't even realize the very real danger we are in. It's such a gradual thing, I don't think we even realize how bad it is until we are away from them. It's like Itsabattle can see now with her XNPDH. He's not the "good looking man that she was lucky to have." (My guess is this was something he had convinced her of over years of abuse, much like mine did.) Now she can see him for what he really is.

NPD's are very dangerous individuals who can snap at any given moment.

If any of you are at all fearful, do not hesitate to obtain a protection order from the courts. If you are threatened with immediate danger call 911.

None of these things will ensure total safety and guarantee you absolute freedom from your NPD forever. But these things can help protect you and offer you assistance in eventually finding freedom.

(((Hugs to all)))


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, total Power & Control.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted a lot of info and resources in the Divorce/seperation forum under the topic of "domestic violence & safety plans"

Katherine


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((discombobulated)))
I read your post and the link to the newspaper article. I'm so sorry.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
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