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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: The N.P.D. Thread Part IV
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. let's raise awareness on this and try to keep abused people safe.


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
taybre
Member
Member # 14685
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, December 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone help me deciper this? Why when my x npd husband found out I was distraught that has having a baby with ow his response was this..

"Why would she care?"

Is it normal for NPD's to assume we shouldn't care that they are doing things hurtful?


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2007 | From: michigan
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, December 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((taybre))))
I just read your related posts in D&S. I'm so sorry for you and your babies. To burden DD7 with such a secret is f**cking cruel. More of the N entitlement script. Such a mean, selfish and rotten thing to do.
Why do you care? he asks. Cause your a HUMAN BEING. He barely is. He'll never get it. He'll never understand.
I wish peace and solace to you. Breathe. Deep. Relax. This to shall pass.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

taybre,
Sorry for your pain. I'm especially sorry for the damage he is doing to your children.

One major problem with NDP's is that they are so focused on themselves that they fail to see how they / their behavior affects other people. Unfortunately this most often includes the people closest to them. There seems to be a disconnect in NPD's with appropriate and inappropriate behavior and how this affects OTHER people. They just don't get it. "If it feels good, do it" is the motto of the NPD. They have no regard for how it affects their spouse, their children, their parents, or anyone else.

He has had an affair, destroyed his marriage, and his safe home for his children. How many lives has this affected? Now he is expecting you and his children to acccept the OW and their baby as if this were all completely normal.

It's bizarre, but totally normal in the eyes of the NPD. He'll most likely grow bored or tired of this relationship too. (it's part of the disorder) He can't help himself but to cheat and he'll expect her to accept it, just like he did you. She'll either throw him out or he'll leave on his own.

Remember, the only thing that changes in the life of an NPD are the victims.

(((Hugs)))

[This message edited by sadtoo at 10:15 AM, December 17th (Monday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((taybre))) It is all too normal for an N not to see why you should care. They have moved on; so should you be. They are generally not capable of hindsight or insight, except with regard to how a situation has or will affect them.

For all of you who were wondering, my NPD's chlamydia and gonorrhea screening came out negative. He is not pursuing any other possible causes of his urethritis. My doctor is a little ticked that I had to ask him for the news two days after he got his results -- so MY exam is still going forward. I did try to give him the benefit of the doubt. I called the health clinic on Thursday to see if he had gotten his results, and I waited until Saturday to see if he was man enough to tell me himself. Well, duh...

*i coulda had a v-8*

OH! And we have been not having a Christmas tree because the stuff that was not his in the living room was impeding from finishing his stuff. I don't know how because it was in separate boxes, but there you are. If I got rid of anything that was not specifically his in the room, then he could do his thing, because all he had to do was throw his stuff in boxes and put it in the attic. Fine. I did. Friday. Today's Monday, he has been home all day. I'm taking bets on what day we actually put the tree up, up to and including Christmas.

[This message edited by veritas at 1:57 PM, December 17th (Monday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((discombobulated))) I'm very sorry for your loss. The poor woman's family. I'll keep them in my prayers.

(((taybre))) Sad is 100% on with this. You've been deleted; and I'm very sorry. I know how much it hurts. I know how it feels to wish we could do the same back, but since we have deep and real feelings, we can't. I can tell you that time will help diminish the pain. There's no getting even, there's no making him pay...all you can do is move forward and live your best life. (((Hugs & support to you)))


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Veritas))) I'm so glad (for you) that his results were negative. I hope you're OK otherwise.

I've been reconnecting with people I used to talk to B.T.O.T. (before trail of tears). It's been most helpful. Reminds me of what I was like before the mongolian clusterfuck took over my life.

How/where is everyone today?


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
Dragonfly32
♀ Member
Member # 16362
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All

I just got back from the Doctor's office with my 8-year-old son who is autistic...he cannot tell me when he is in pain ect

Turns out he has another sinus infection, second one within in the past 2 months, not to mention his ear infection and strep that he battled also with in the past 2 months. My X w/NPD still refuses to give the boys their allergy medication to prevent these secondary infections. He claims he is "waiting on an Email" from the previous Doc to verify if the need for the meds is valid

How much validation does he need. My 8-year-old is in pain, but can't express it I don't know whether to scream or cry right now...

X w/NPD is trying to strip me from the right to seek medical care for my own children WTF.... does this ever end for anyone, has it ever ended

PLEASE GIVE ME SOME HOPE HERE PLEASE


If life's not beautiful without the pain,
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer.
And it feels pretty soft to me.
Modest Mouse


Posts: 149 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Oklahoma
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dragon (((((HUGS))))) to you and your children. He is an outragious asshole and I am so sorry you have to deal with him.

My ex is a complete ass as well. Mine has chosen to basically duck out of the boys lives. Mine both have special needs though not as severe as your son's. It is very difficult to manage alone but in many ways it is likely easier because I do what I want and care for them the way I see fit.

I can't say that he will get better in time. In many ways the best thing would be for him to tire of the games and go mess with someone else's life. Heck sometimes if it is just as easy to make his life miserable as it is to not do so I will choose to torment him just for the heck of it since he seem to enjoy doing it to me. Mine has basically found out that he can't win and has gone off to break someone else's toys.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tay - it is a terrible shock to realise that these freaks move on so easily. The only thing that has changed in ex's "play" is the name of the other "actors" on stage. I have become known by another name and my kids are now played by ow's kids. It is weird in the extreme! However, once the shock starts to receed you will begin to enjoy things in life once again. It is all about small steps.
Like you, Ncontrol, I have got back in touch with three old friends this year as well as three members of my extended family. This would not have happened whilst the freak was still in my life.

Veritas - I cannot believe he puts your health in danger. Still, the waiting game has its benefits....mine did!

Dragon - when things get difficult in our lives it often feels like things are crashing down around us. This is especially worse when dealing with an npd freak. I have found that the best thing is not to expect ANYTHING from him. No money, support, help with the kids etc NOTHING. That way I can never be disappointed. It was the only way I could get out of the mind-block in my head. They are not normal people and the only way forward is to distance yourself. Once you have set up the first barrier the next twenty thousand are a bit easier!!

I felt the legacy of my ex and the chaotic life I once had over something very trivial yesterday. I had a new fence and the guy put in a gate that did not match in size and colour. When I saw it it reminded me of all the crap jobs the ex had done and how he ruined my house pretending to be a plumber/electrician/etc. Just playing the dressing up game like they do!
I had a absolute fit; a really extreme reaction. "how could the builder do this to me? I explained what I wanted it to be like, rant rant rant". For about twelve hours. When I spoke to the builder he said it was temporary whilst he ordered the one I wanted. I hadn't even considered this as I just thought he had done it on purpose to get at me!
My point is that my reaction was extreme. Really really strange and over the top. As I am now paying for repairs with my own money I want things perfect and I want CONTROL. When I did not have the control I flipped. I tried to rationalise using all of my cognitive behaviour skills but it made me wonder about what kind of freak I had become!!

It never ends does it? The legacy of these bastards.

You ok Bob?

Can I ask how you are all feeling about Christmas? I am dreading it and I am already finding it difficult. I guess it is just the happy family imagae...


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itsabattle,
Thanks for asking. I'm just chillin' today. Met with lawyer. Very expensive. LOL. Lawyers are an interesting breed. Explained to him that I'm not going "after" STBXPDW, just protecting myself and DDs from STBXPDW.
School counselor was to contact CPS today to report STBXPDW. Tomorrow I will need to bring documents to Social Services to prove DDs live with me and not STBXPDW. Spent the weekend going thru documents and printing them out.
Spent some time with DD13 today talking about kid stuff. She had a friend over for dinner, the daughter of "Ladie" mentioned in previous posts. We baked cookies !!! Anybody want some? LOL.
So a lot of PITA dealng with STBXPDW aftermath and a lot of time with kids this weekend.
Hope all are well.

BoB

ETA:
"It never ends does it? The legacy of these bastards."
Ain't that the truth?
Newbies, it does get better, but the disordered do not. Just stay as far away (and legalwise) as you can. NC or die !!!

[This message edited by bobelina at 12:58 AM, December 18th (Tuesday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you read the four agreements? I read it quite some time ago. Many on SI recommended it. The book itself was a bit difficult for me to get thru but I love the boiled down version.

Here you go:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

I find myself going back to number 2 over and over.

Hope this helps someone else as much as it helped me.

Many positive thoughts.

DF


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DF,
That was a very kewl and helpful post. And a good way to look at life and especially helpful to heal and move forward.
Here is something similar that I often go back to. It is also part of what I teach my children. It may be helpful for others:
http://www.mindfulnessbell.org/14trainings.htm

BoB

[This message edited by bobelina at 7:16 AM, December 18th (Tuesday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsabattle,
When I saw it it reminded me of all the crap jobs the ex had done and how he ruined my house pretending to be a plumber/electrician/etc. Just playing the dressing up game like they do!

This is so true. I have always said that my XHNPD's life was a continuing costume party. He had to look the part.

For example, if we had dressed up and gone to a wedding and reception earlier and on the way home decided to stop at our favorite spot for a drink, he would insist on going home and putting on jeans and his cowboy hat because the bar had a country western theme.

I always thought that was so strange. I mean, it would be obvious to others that we had been somewhere else prior to stopping and who cares?


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
taybre
Member
Member # 14685
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, my ex will still to this day turn around and go back home if someone touches his hair on the way some where..he has to do it over...I am talking even if he is going to Target.

Another thing is I know some of you know that he gave me a list of demands for us to stay married (even though he was cheating) and one of them was to work out 2 hours a day for five days a week. First of all, I have three kids and I did all the work myself, I don't have to tell you guys that you know what that is like. However, the working out thing kills me..I have three kids..I am 35 years old...five foot four and I weigh 135..I am not over weight in any sense of the word..this guy is crazy...seriously


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2007 | From: michigan
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh God, I'd forgotten about the costumes. His insistence that I do the same was so uncomfortable for me. Truly, I don't even play tennis. So why, when he had a match, did *I* need to be wearing court whites? All I was going to be doing was sitting sideline drinking and making business deals for him. I was more comfortable in jeans and boots, or shorts and sandals. Why the disguise? Afraid someone's going to recognize you for the dickstain you are, dear?

And so life went.

When he moved out, I gathered up all the required costumes he'd given me and gave them to Goodwill.

Still got my boots. Miserable putz. He never could appreciate a good set of boots.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
Dragonfly32
♀ Member
Member # 16362
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe something to make it a bit clearer as to why I am fighting so hard...This is another of his responces via email.

Bills - I am not asking you to pay on those medical bills. I am merely asking you not to unnecessarily duplicate the services with new providers who don't even have the kids' histories when they are already in the care of people who know them and their needs and can treat them more effectively. I get them to those providers when they are with me. If you want to take them to new people, that is your choice, but it is also your own financial responsibility. I know you want to have providers who are convenient to you and that's reasonable, but I don't think that's sufficient reason to change all their providers especially when they have the special needs they have and I am quite willing and capable of getting them to the appropriate provider. For that matter, so are you, you are just unwilling to drive to get there, which is not a legitimate reason for getting me to foot the bill.

We live in a different county and my children have secondary insurance through the state... I am not "duplicating" services. I am trying to seek services for my children. He is required "per decree" to pay 79.0% of all medical/dental/mental health services. However, with the "shared parenting clause" we are suppose to agree on a provider. Asshole will never agree, because it is basically the only power he has left. Not to mention Asshole is NOT taking them to these "Providers" OW is and passing herself off as StepMom. I am the custodial parent, the children are with me 90% of the time, for me not so seek medical services for them would be neglect on my part. HELLO MCFLY.
I just get so frustraited. The "bills" he is not asking me to pay.. well those are being paid by his mother I know this because he has NEVER paid for anything, she has alway been there to bail him out..she is his enabler.

Just like the attorney fees he went after, and won. Those fees were paid by his mother. I know she is not seeing a dime of the money he is pocketing from his reduced CS payments. I see the OW's dog has a nice new wardwobe

I suppose my next and only step is to completely be at the mercey of the state. I am going to have to file for TANF, as there is nothing else I can do.


If life's not beautiful without the pain,
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer.
And it feels pretty soft to me.
Modest Mouse


Posts: 149 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Oklahoma
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He never could appreciate a good set of boots.

Mine couldn't either. His were all cheap pleather with the exception of the boots I bought for him.

Should have been another red flag. He couldn't appreciate a good woman either!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dragonfly,
Since you live in different counties, chances are if the children need to go to the doctor when they are with either one of you, it will not be geographically possible to see the same doctor. This will be especially true in the case of an emergency.

Trying to rationalize with an NPD is like trying to have a logical and rational conversation with someone who is falling down drunk. It's impossible.

Since his mother pays his bills, is there any way that you can negotiate the finaces through her?

I just don't think you're going to get anywhere but more frustrated trying to deal with him.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ALL: Mine was not a snappy dresser, nor did he have any fashion sense. He just liked to spend money, and would often spend it on ugly clothes and tacky furnishings. He looked best in the clothes I bought for him. However, he has three sets of Carmex, lotion, hand sanitizer, and cologne. One for the bathroom, one for the console of his truck, and one for his bag that he carries his "stuff" in. He could never just roll out of bed and go anywhere. A shower took at least 30 minutes, and with all of the plucking and grooming and primping and lotioning, he could not be anywhere in under an hour. In the time it takes him to:

1. take a shower
2. Brush his teeth
3. get dressed in the morning,

I have
1. gotten myself dressed,
2. brushed my teeth
3. combed my hair (he doesn't have any)
4. changed and dressed the bunny
5. combed the bunny's hair
6. given the bunny medicine
7. fed the bunny
8. given the bunny a treatment
9. dealt with the boys for last-minute requests for money, signatures, finishing stuff they were supposed to do the night before, refereeing fights, etc.

[This message edited by veritas at 9:16 AM, December 18th (Tuesday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

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