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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: The N.P.D. Thread Part IV
Dragonfly32
♀ Member
Member # 16362
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The XIn-laws dropped me like a hot potatoe when I filed for divorce.."Nobody divorces in our family"...if you'll recall in a previous post, assholes father told me, when I went to them for help, "It's your job to wake up every moring, look like Mrs. America, treat him like a King and eventually he will come around".

This came from a man who has NO IDEA the amount of money his OWN wife has dished out to his NPD son, NO IDEA and we are talking in the $500,000+ range just in the last 5 years!

There are so many vendictive things I could do to asshole and the XIn-;aws but refuse to, because I AM NOT THAT PERSON nor do I want to be... I know that each is creating their own special place in the afterlife, I suppose that is my only peace of mind at the moment.

I am slowly and quitely building my case against asshole to get his visitation rights taken away completely based on his lack of common sense for the well being of his children. He is using them to get to me and that is just SICK...


If life's not beautiful without the pain,
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer.
And it feels pretty soft to me.
Modest Mouse


Posts: 149 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Oklahoma
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dragonfly))) Now would be a good time to start to distance yourself from the anger. You cannot deal with an NPD emotionally, and the anger will eat you alive inside if you let it. Right now, he is hurting the kids, and I know that's hurting you, but make sure that you take all of his e-mails to court. You can't fight him on your own; you can't reason with him, or make him see a damned thing. Let the courts do it.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veritas is right. Try to distance yourself emotionally from him as best you can.

If you need him to pay for the childrens medical bills and he refuses, don't argue with him. Take him back to court and let them deal with him.

(((((dragonfly))))


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My N really flashed *Narcissist* in neon colors!

Yes, he had the *hair* thing, too. Blow drying it n washing it with very expensive salon shampoos. Spent thousands on hair transplants, 3 different times. It took 8-10 hours lying on that table getting the first 2 done...each "hair plug" had to be individually set in.
It was painful...but, he stood it. (Almost seemed to Get Off on it! )

Then, he had the plastic surgery on his cock...that mini face lift & nose job & his 'long' earlobes "trimmed"...(XW & I were dyin' over that one! )

He had so many clothes, all packed & boxed by UPS, & all color-coded in the closet. Funny how I thought it as being * en costume*, too, & I never knew anyone else who did this.

He had very expensive sets of cashmere vests & sweaters, Italian suits, shoes...was very fucking FUSSY! I'm a sweater & jeans gal. This dress-up was driving me Crazy! I thought it was just an uptight "midwest thing"...v. me, the laid back hippie chick from CA.

The *off* thing was this: He wore the SAME thing, day in & out...for like a year or 2 at a time AT HOME (green Land's End long slv. shirt & green sweats), just like his food choice would NOT change...2 precise deli turkey slices on dry bread (no mayo), dill pickle.
Jeeeez, I'd get sick of that 3 days straight! No way could I eat that on 2 slices of dry bread...I'd have to have it slathered with mayo, lettuce, tomatoes, red onion & chips on the side...& have *variety*.
However, I'm getting away from the clothing weirdness: He showered daily & wore a white inner Tee & white briefs he called his 'panties'.
This is what he changed daily...& they had to be SNOW WHITE. Shit, I felt like a slob next to him till I saw him picking his nose and NOT WASHING HIS HANDS AFTER. UGH!

He always wanted to *know* what people were going to wear at XYZ event. Then, he tried to fucking DRESS ME, TOO!

Hey! Even my XH of 31 yrs. never bothered to get that INTO what I was GOING to wear!

It was soooo WEIRD.

It was like people were going to be able to SEE the REAL PERSON lurking inside the faux N/sociopath personna & bedimpled smile.

He just was so anal...such a perfectionist. Drove me NUTS.

When he went off to coach/ teach, it was certain clothing with his coach bag. When he worked at the office, it was a certain something, again. He had Ivy League all over which he gloried in...in a mining/cowboy town.

His (plastic surgeon sculpted) nose was "up in the air" a lot.
Obviously, he really thought he was HOT STUFF.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 10:31 AM, December 18th (Tuesday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
taybre
Member
Member # 14685
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I can relate for sure..my stupid effing ex owns a small construction company..he gets dirty, wet and who knows what else every single day..still he would get up in the morning and try and look nice...I just couldn't understand it. This guy would take a half an hour to get ready to go and get milk or to the car wash. I am not like that at all..jeans and a sweater and some BOOTS and I am happy.
We used to get in big huge fights every time we would go anywhere because he would change his clothes over and over again and say "Well what's wrong with this one, I like this one, why do you like the black one better?' Every single time we went out...it drove me effing crazy. We bowled on a bowling league and every week we would get in a big huge fight in front of our babysitter before we went over his clothes or hair.

Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2007 | From: michigan
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm. I dunno about his appearance having to be perfect, tho his body always had to be perfect. But MY appearance had to be RIGHT ON or else he wouldn't want to go out. Until I had rectified the situation.


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'his body always had to be perfect'...my N, too!

He'd look at himself sideways in the mirror...all scrawny 6 ft, 2 " & 150 lbs. soaking wet with a 32 inch waistline moaning about his "big belly".

The physical appearance FOCUS was always on HIM...unless we were going out together.
Even just prior to our wedding, he told me my hair wasn't right, my dress was too short, & my cleavage was showing!

WRONG! It was not any of those things!!

I just didn't understand then that I was the *mirror* he was looking into & all these perceived "faults" were magnified.

Hey, he's just fucking NUTS, okay?

If I wanted to mind fuck him back...I'd suggest his hair looked "not quite right"...or that he was too hairy...the physical always GOT to him.

Find their achilles heel!

Longlost, where are you?

lied2, cj...check in, please.

I just got a fancy Xmas card as did our very own "cat son"...except N gave me a *gift card* for $50!
Ohhh, wowee...maybe I can use it for a cruise in a cracker jack box!
Considering he gave his XW the first year we were M at least $500 to buy gifts with...hmmm...anyone see anything slightly amiss with this pic?
Like...what does she KNOW that I don't--yet?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, (((Tribe)))!
Longlost here.

I'm intrigued with the clothing discussion.

I'm with NoC on this one. Bizarro finally developed into a very attractive, if miniscule, man. Most of the time we were together, he was not everyone's cup o'tea, and he knew it. He counted on quirkiness and intellect for his charm. He WAS very particular about what he wore, but not in any expected way. He dressed mostly in jeans and oxford cloth shirts with button-down collars. He was painfully self-conscious, and was intensely embarrassed by labels or by anything that seemed even remotely showy. For example, before we were married, I bought him some expensive suede motorcycle boots that he chose from the catalog himself. He never wore them. Eventually, he told me that the kittens had defecated on them. Well, the kittens had a litter box. They had never pooped on anything else, and I don't believe they pooped on his boots. I think that he really liked those boots, but, when they arrived, he could never bring himself to wear them. They were just too good-looking. He was afraid that those sharp boots would cause someone to notice him and ridicule him.

I think that he tried to dress as simply as possible so as not to draw attention to what he perceived as his imperfect appearance. Oddly enough, though, for years, he had very wild-looking hair. It was always long and curly--not frizzy, but very wavy. This got a LOT of attention, but I think that his thinking was that this flagged him as eccentric, which somehow also got him off the hook for not looking the way he thought he ought to look. Does that make any kind of sense to anyone?

I, on the other hand, now that I look back on it, was the trophy--not in the sense of the bejeweled, perfectly made-up and coifed beauty. Trust me, I just don't have that in me! But HE thought I was a "natural beauty." He was extremely fussy about what I wore. And how I wore it! He was constantly pulling my shirts down in the back. And pulling my hair down over my ears. And I gotta tell you--there is NOTHING wrong with my ears. He just didn't want to see them. And my ass WAS something to write home about. Seriously. Most people would have paid me to uncover it back then.
I always had long hair parted down the middle. When I cut it, just to shoulder-length, mind you, and added bangs, he told me "you've ruined yourself."

He ALWAYS chose what I wore when we went out--and we never went ANYWHERE other than to casual restaurants and movies. Geez, it makes me tired just thinking about it. I'm so grateful that Mr. Longlost doesn't care what I wear. Most of the time, he says nothing at all. When he does say something, he says "you look nice," or "I really like that shirt." What a blessing that is! I wouldn't have appreciated that at all if I hadn't lived with Bizarro. Maybe I wouldn't have appreciated a lot of the good things that I enjoy now if I hadn't had it so bad for so long!

(((Dragonfly))) You listen to Veritas and Sad. I know it's hard to do, but you've got to let that asshole go. You are still letting him work your last nerve. As long as you expect anything from him--especially anything approaching normal, compassionate behavior, he is going to exercise his power to disappoint you.

(((Everyone))) I'm here, and I care. My energy level has been kinda low, but I'm lurking.

I wish I could put a hold on all the crazy asshole behavior and give everyone a nice break for Christmas, but we know that isn't going to happen. The best I can do is tell you that I care and that I think about you folks all the time.

Please take good care of yourselves!

Longlost

[This message edited by Longlost at 9:16 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)]


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
ittybittya
♀ Member
Member # 7527
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all of you.

I visit this thread periodically now since my best friend is Dragonfly32. I've seen all of the "dealings" with her XH throughout the past few years.

Thank you all so much for giving her the great insight and support that she is needing. I knew she would benefit from being able to talk to more people other than myself.

Thank you.... Itty


...still has much to learn :-(

Posts: 13528 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Oklahoma
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, December 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies:
I was talking with another ladie friend who is going thru a divorce. I thought of this song. Many have questioned, "Will I be loved again?" (Or in the aftermath of an "N" exposure "Will I be loved?" LOL).
All joking aside, it seems that hope is stated in this song. My hope is for you. This one is for you. Especially what is said towards the end in the last verse:
------
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsnlrlyM6qg
------
Mission UK
Butterfly On A Wheel
------------
Silver and gold and its growing cold
Autumn leaves lay as thick as thieves
Shivers down your spine chill you to the bone
cos the mandolin wind is the melody that turns
Your heart to stone
The heat of your breath carving shadow on the mist
Every angel has the wish that shes never been kissed
A broken dream haunting in your sleep
And hiding in your smile a secret you must keep, love
Cuts you deep
Love breaks the wings of a butterfly on a wheel
Love breaks the wings of a butterfly on a wheel

Theres no scarlet in you, lay your veil down for me
As sure as God made wine, you cant wrap your arms
Around a memory
Take warmth from me, cold autumn winds cut sharp as a
Knife
And in the dark for me, youre the candle flame that
Flickers to life
Love breaks the wings of a butterlfy on a wheel
Love will break the wings of a butterfly on a wheel

Wise men say all is fair in love and war
Theres no right or wrong in the design of love
And I could only watch as the wind crushed your wings
Broken and torn crushed like the flower under the snow
And like the flower in spring
Love will rise again to heal your wings
Love heals the wings of a butterfly on a wheel
Love will heal the wings of a butterfly on a wheel
------
BoB

[This message edited by bobelina at 12:14 AM, December 19th (Wednesday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope someone heals my broken wings someday. I know I am nowhere near ready for anything resembling a relationship but I like to think that one day it could happen.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
s.squirrel
♀ Member
Member # 14742
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BoB
That was so sweet and encouraging. Thank you.


Me BS 44
Him WS 45
sons :17, 16
daughter: 13
dday1: 6/1996..separated 1.5yr, then reconciled 1/1998
dday2: 5/7/2007
Separated at last!~10/31/2008
heading -->divorce
But he lost his job in April..so pending, pending, pending.

Posts: 280 | Registered: May 2007 | From: ohio
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmmmmm...
Hi, ((((Tribe))) of Lightbulbs and Toasters AKA Club of and From Hell.

STBXPDW was reported to CPS by school counselor on Monday.
100 + pages (closer to 200) pages of documents were delivered to Social Services yesterday including previous forgeries concerning Social Services.
For the third time in three weeks, that I know of, STBXPDW has "overslept" and arrived late to pick up kids for school. She seems to have a 50% accuracy rate lately in picking kids up on time for school. She picks them up twice a week to get them to school. The kids have had to call her to wake her up, as happened today, again.
She continues to change DDs contact info at school, but apparently not at the school level. The schools KNOW that DDs live with me. They have said that she has not been in to change this info. I am in contact with schools regularily, she is not. I've changed DDs contact info some 3 times this school year, so far.
I sent a note with DD13 documenting that STBXPDW was late to get her to school, again, because STBXPDWs alarm "didn't go off". I called school to let them know what was going on and to expect the note. They just called and did recieve the note and will file it. STBXPDW has a very bad habit of getting DDs to school on time if, at all and this has been longstanding for years.
Grandma made plans with DDs on Sunday but didn't inform me. I let her know that all plans with DDs go thru me. She was also 3-4+ hours late picking up DDs, so needless to say things were discombobulated.
STBXPDW tried calling me on my cell Saturday. Dumbass me, didn't recognize the number (a work number). I answered it heard her voice and hung up.
She tried to set up, with the kids, a shopping excursion last nite, not her visit nite. She texted me twice looking for DD8 at school. Funny, as yesterday is not a day that she picks up DDs from school, and besides, I picked up DD8 with STBXPDW 2 cars a head of me as she was there to pick up SIL kid. I drove by STBXPDW as DD8 and I were leaving. I ignored the texts. When DD8 and I got home STBXPDW called on DD8s cell trying to make plans. DD8 asked if she could go and I said that she would see her mom the next three afternoons as those are their visit time with STBXPDW.
It never ends does it? LOL. And the worst part is, none of this stuff is that big of a deal on it's own. It's a big deal as a whole, hence the terms "insidious" or things like "ambient (abuse)". Uggghhhhh........ It never ends. LOL.

Hope all are well. I'm glad that the song above gave some hope and help.

BoB

ETA:Cause I'm lame at spelling and stuff.

[This message edited by bobelina at 8:32 AM, December 19th (Wednesday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Dragonfly32)))
The XIn-laws dropped me like a hot potatoe when I filed for divorce.."Nobody divorces in our family"...if you'll recall in a previous post, assholes father told me, when I went to them for help, "It's your job to wake up every moring, look like Mrs. America, treat him like a King and eventually he will come around".

That is whacked. Misogynist also? What were those nasty words to describe the disordered (and their "cronies"). LOL.

I'm so sorry that such "monsters" are in your and the childrens lives.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((its))) I'm gonna keep saying this until you hear me- you are *fabulous* and someday someone will heal your wings. I promise. Until then, I'm here if you need me! I am constantly amazed by your progress in such a short time.

(((Dragonfly))) Hang in there girl. I understand the need to think about what will happen to these cruel, sick individuals once they meet their maker and get what they deserve. When I realized that trail of tears would be nothing but a hinderance to my daughter's growth and mental health, I had a bible verse pop into my head- to paraphrase it's something like: if anyone hurts my little ones, it would be better for them to have a millstone tied to their neck and drowned in the sea. Relax knowing you will get what you deserve and so will he. I know that's precious little comfort considering what you're going through. But you have the support of everyone here, and you are in my prayers. Keep safe and strong.

(((Longlost))) I wanna be you when I grow up.

(((Dream))) So the sick fuck ponied up $50 huh? Well, it's better than a poke in th eye with a sharp stick. I hope you find whatever leverage his XW has on him and milk it. I still want you to call his parents and fill them in. But I realize that may be a dangerous game to play. Just know I think you're doing so well. He won't win. You're so much smarter than he is it's rediculous.

(((BoB))) Sorry your nutjob hosebeast is such a pain in the ass. My thoughts are with you. And thanks for your encouraging post.

(((Everyone))) Merry Christmas. And espcially HAPPY NEW YEAR. I can't wait to kick this one's ass out the door. On to bigger and better things!


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dragonfly,
I feel your pain. My XIL's also threw me under the bus as soon as I threw XNPDH out of the house and started the divorce process. Nobody divorces in their family either.

it didn't seem to matter that he had been a serial cheater, a wife beater, an alcoholic, a pathalogical liar and had hid an OC for two years. As soon as all of that came to light, he started blame shifting and telling more lies about how I had abused him and drove him to do those things.

They believed him and quickly circled the wagons around him. Poor mistreated XNPDH. I was thrown out of the family like I was last weeks trash and treated even worse. It was horrible.

I don't know what was worse. The realization that my H had been a serial cheater, had an OC and had lied to me our entire marriage and basically lived a double life or having his entire family completely turn on me and believe his horrible lies and turn on me so viciously.

I didn't know what was real, what had been real, who to trust, or if I could even go on. The pain was crippling.

One thing you have to realize early on is that you cannot rationalize with him or anyone who is on "his side." You would be wasting your breath to try and convince anyone who has had their mind poisoned by him at this point.

Deal with your attorney and deal with the courts right now. Things will get better with time.

Try to hang in there. I'm thinking of you.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thnx, NoC.
Shall keep Tribe informed...maybe via PM, though...*lurker Alert*!

Agree about your progress, itsa!

Luv the song, BoB.

Seems like a lot of the N's here are substance abusers...JMO.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notice to good/benign lurkers: I understand your reading this post for validation purposes and you are most welcome here.

Notice to weirdo lurkers/N's/substance abusers: Get a fucking life and leave us to deal with ours.

NPD Poll for today: how many of you felt like you were a human sex toy for your N; like you were some sort of flesh dildo he/she used to play with themselves? Graphic, I know, but I'm just coming to terms with my experience...


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"NPD Poll for today: how many of you felt like you were a human sex toy for your N; like you were some sort of flesh dildo he/she used to play with themselves? Graphic, I know, but I'm just coming to terms with my experience..."

In retrospect, absoulutely. Used, abused and denied. And then told, it's all my fault !!! LOL.

So, right now I'm waiting for the police. I'll fill ya'll in later. It never ends... LOL. Uggghhhhh......

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
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