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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: The N.P.D. Thread Part IV
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC,
Once again even in the bedroom, it was all about him. I have always felt that he only used my body to masterbate. It was very strange. I don't know how to describe this without being too graphic. Most of you will know exactly what I'm talking about though, so here goes.

If I engaged myself and "participated" in the manner in which he did, meaning in a completely selfish way, the sex was good. Does that make sense? It was not normal loving sex like two people giving themselves to each other and sharing a moment or making sure the other was pleased, happy, etc. This was more like each man/woman for himself/herself type thing.

I felt that I was trying to please him, but I never felt that anything was reciprocated. I was always left feeling empty and bad.

YUCK!!!!!!!!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NoC, my hand is high in the air on this one. I might as well have been one of those inflatable dolls. My spiritual presence was definitely not required, and I was not allowed to move. In hindsight, I understand fully why Bizarro wanted a virgin. (Can you spell "p-r-e-m-a-t-u-r-e e-j-a-c-u-l-a-t-i-o-n" children?)

Sex in Bizarro World was very odd indeed! Of course, I didn't really understand that until I hooked up with Mr. Longlost and actually HAD sex!

(((NoC))) be careful what you wish for, Hon. I think you're stacking up to be a much better woman than I am. But you gotta know, you are exactly the age I was when I decided I'd had enough of Bizarro World, and you are already sounding like me when you say
I can't wait to kick this one's ass out the door. On to bigger and better things!

You GO, Seester NoC. 2007, don't let the door bump your butt on the way out. Tribe, 2008 is GOING to be a better year, or me 'n NoC will KICK ITS ASS!!!!

[This message edited by Longlost at 2:32 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)]


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bob: At least something is finally happening. And it looks like you aren't the only one who has taken notice of STBXW's selfishness.

On Sex: The sex in the beginning was great. It downgraded to okay (it was either 5 minutes or over an hour), and in the past year has become downright masturbatory. There have even been nights where HE just lay there! I thought that was a cliche for women! I was like, you woke me up for this???

(((itsa))): you are fabulous, dahlink! And someday (probably soon, since the stench of NPD has been cleansed from your house), someone will back us up!


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its great to hear you SO ENERGIZED, Ll!

About the sex, all I can do is

and please note, Tribe, that a lot of my expensive high heels & open toe foot wear were rather YUCKY "after".

He was extremely selfish & bored quickly...loved staying in *fantasy land*...it was always a different THING every month or so. I know "variety is the spice of life", & I am NO prude by any stretch of the imagination, but how I longed for that "emotional connection" v. being like a blow up doll.
The last 10 months we were together @ my home were very platonic, little pecks on the cheek, all manner of cuddling went out the window, and I felt totally rejected but I didn't know WHY or WHAT I had done (the bi/gay thing had crept it)...& N hardly bothered to speak to me -- even in monosyllables.
Talk about feeling ugly, confused, & *deleted*! UG


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Longlost: I think my NPD was most like yours: not a snappy dresser, but always had to be just so.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BoB- what's up with the fuzz? I'm getting worried here...

So sick and wrong with the mutual masturbatory sex! Thanks for weighing in on this. I've been trying to make sense of my confusing feelings about sex; and realzied that alot of it was due to the twisted version of it I had with trail of tears, which I thought was TRUE LUUUUUV I've been trying to remember how it was with someone I loved- when you didn't walk away feeling like a (thank you veritas) cum dumpster.


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NoControl: absolutely felt like he was just masturbating with me. At times it felt coerced - not neccessarily rape, but definitely not consensual.

Like if I didn't do it, I would be punished.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 728 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex in Bizarro World was very odd indeed! Of course, I didn't really understand that until I hooked up with Mr. Longlost and actually HAD sex!

Ew, yeah, THAT.

I was SHOCKED at how giving a man could be in the bedroom. I mean downright amazed. I was a virgin when I met my ex, and was only with him until we separated/divorced.

I have had an absolutely amazing sex life ever since.

Amazingly, I also feel a lot sexier and attractive now. He used to comment on my tummy and boobs, especially after the kids were born - saying I could get a tummy tuck and new boobs once we were done having kids.

I'm a size 2 with some damn fine perkies, according to my wonderful boyfriend, so my ex can stuff it.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 728 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BoB- what's up with the fuzz? I'm getting worried here...

And I am SO CURIOUS in that gossipy neighbor kinda way. Please tell us that you are okay and then DISH ON THE DETAILS, MAN!


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 728 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex? Oh hell. It was a control issue, as always. Different aspects of it (witholding, using the act to punish me, selfish/teasing).

Like Longlost, I nearly lost my mind when Mr. Threnody and I began to have sex. The generosity almost frightened me. I can't explain that. I was so afraid to enjoy it, though, because somewhere in the back of my head I was thinking ".... and this is where he sits up and laughs and says he's done for the night and will I run get him something from Wendy's." It took a year or more to believe that Mr. Threnody actually wanted me to be a fulfilled -- if not more so -- than himself. It was a completely opposite experience.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14039 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I played this one for Mr. Longlost BEFORE he was Mr. Longlost. He DID!

Love Me Like a Man

The men that I've been seeing, baby
Got their soul up on a shelf
you know they could never love me
When they can't even love themselves

But I need someone to love me
Someone to really understand
Who won't put himself above me
Who’ll just love me like a man

I never seen such losers darlin’
even though I try…
…to find a mind who can take me home
’stead of taking me for a ride

And I need someone to love me
I know you can
Believe me when I tell you
you can love me like a man

Oh they want me to rock them
like my back ain't got no bone
I want a man to rock me
like my… backbone was his own

baby, I know you can
Believe me when I tell you
You can love me like a man

I Come home sad and lonely
Feel like I wanna cry
I need someone to hold me
Not some fool to ask me why

And I need someone to love me
Darlin’ I know you can

Don't you put yourself above me
You just love me like a man
--Bonnie Raitt

It amazes me how JOYFUL sex is now. Honestly, sometimes I laugh like a loon! And when I do, my sweetie just chortles, 'cause he's KNOWS that means something ESPECIALLY powerful is in the works!!!


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sex life with the ex was just like Sad described. It was just like landabear said -not quite rape but certainly an emotional rape...hideous to admit. I know where you are coming from NC with coming to terms with this part of the relationship

Are you ok Bob?

You guys say such nice things to me and it really means a lot. It is almost a year since I joined SI and I don't go on any other forum but here. You lift me up when I am feeling low...Thanks guys xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe))),
It sounds like we've all experienced the miserable sex life/intimacy thing. And all these years I thought it was me, cause of course, I'M AN ASSHOLE !!! LOL.

Hmmmmmmmm...
I dealt with STBXPDW in person today. I know it's an amazing relief to be amongst the Tribe, to be with folks that understand EXACTLY what we're dealing with. And we make a lot of jokes and call the "N"s funny names and such. But...
Today, I saw her for what and who she is. And it was really, really, sad. I don't know how to describe it. Loss might be the word. Not for me, but for her, for her potential. For her happiness. For her growth. I saw today that it just was not there. It's not in there. I really, really, saw the mirror in action. I saw the rage clearly when what the N wants reflected back isn't there. I saw the manipulation, the accusations, the unsinuations, the blame, the "poor me", everyhthing that describes the disordered and their state. Here is this beautiful, gorgeous girl, with all the charm (of a snake, LOL) with a whole life ahead of her, but she doesn't. She is doomed. Doomed to repeat this cycle over and over again, until the day she dies. She is never going to be happy. She is never going to be content. She is never going to feel satisfaction. She is never going to feel comfortable in her own skin. She's dead to what life has to offer. She's the living, walking and breathing, dead. So sad. So, sad. So dead.
She is hollow, pointless. No real reward. Nothing lasts. All gone. Smoke and mirrors. She doesn't exist. Only rage and terror in there yet not really able to connect with it. She doesn't know she's disordered. She doesn't know that she's bringing this on to her self. She has no fucking clue as to what's really going on. Wow. Wow. Wow. Poor kid. I loved her so much.

I dealt with her in the Pre-Trial today. I'll type up the details later. It was weird. Evrything she said was from and of the N script. It was weird to be able to watch it for what it was. It DIDN't effect me. She couldn't get to me. That was weird. NC and time, wow. You really see it for what it is. Really weird. It was like she was some fucked up whako that I had to deal with. No emotion towards her. Really weird. I just felt bad for her cause she's so squirrelly (Not you s.squirrel. LOL.). Weird. So very detached or maybe more precisely, un-attached.

Oh, yeah, the COPS. It was suggested that I call them about the CC thing. We covered a bunch of that and the rest ot STBXPDW stuff. It appears that I've done all that I could so far, and there wasn't anything else that the po-po could do. Let it ride and follow up they said. Let the courts do their job, and Social Services, CPS, CC, schools etc.
Kinda nice to know that I managed to get the bases covered and that I'm not being a dick about it. Unless you the "N" of course. LOL. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
Dragonfly32
♀ Member
Member # 16362
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ALL)))

Some glich kept me off the board but I just read everyones advice.

I was going to send emails this morning, but I felt angels on my shoulders telling me NO DON'T DO IT..

I have been spending time with my Aspy's child, since he has been sick and it has given me fuel so to speak. I know Asshole and his family will get their's in the end.

NOW for this poll !!!!... OMG..!!!!!
I can spell PREMATURE as well.. I used to refer to him as the 3 minute man.. I mean for someone SO obsessed with sex you would think that it would be better

NOT... Awful,, and then it got to the point I was just "not there"..

So tell me something, after your D were final, did ya'll go nutzo???

[This message edited by Dragonfly32 at 5:21 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)]


If life's not beautiful without the pain,
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer.
And it feels pretty soft to me.
Modest Mouse


Posts: 149 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Oklahoma
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So tell me something, after your D were final, did ya'll go nutzo???

I'm assuming you mean sexually?

For me, no. It's been difficult for me. After my marriage I felt very violated. I felt that I had been tricked into bed with him, tricked into marrying him, tricked into the whole thing.

Had I known the REAL him, I would NEVER have had anything to do with him at all.

I was left feeling very violated. It was very hard for me to get back into the swing of things.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Dragonfly32
♀ Member
Member # 16362
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I am sorry sadtoo... I guess for me, I was finally free.. or so I thought, and realized that I was a beautiful woman so yea I did go nuzto but it took about 6 months....


If life's not beautiful without the pain,
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer.
And it feels pretty soft to me.
Modest Mouse


Posts: 149 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Oklahoma
ktshadow
♀ Member
Member # 10920
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading these posts for a few days now and am realizing that my stbfh has exhibited so many of the traits you describe. The smoke and mirrors, especially. Turning everything back on me. The feeling that I had constantly that I should do things even if I wasn't comfortable with them to avoid him being unhappy (which always happened anyway). He has left to pursue a relationship with the OW after a false R. This healing process is very difficult. I didn't even know I was in the gutter so bad until I realized that no one else in my life has ever and does not make such confusing demands on me without even saying anything at all. I know this makes sense to the rest of you, but not too many others. In response to the sexual question, within a few days of him leaving, I finally felt "the urge" again, mostly because he initiated sex daily and would mope when two days went by without it, so I never even got to have the joy of knowing when I was in the mood. I am glad to have that back, but now I have to take care of my self, literally. I have never before now, but I feel more free than I have in a long time and I have reclaimed my body and my mind. Thank you all for being here.


Don't let only one person decide if you are loveable or not. Be around the ones who have already decided that you are.
I traded in my intuition for his analysis.

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2006
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ktshadow)))
Welcome, as much as we'd rather not have to realize that there is another N-victim.
It's good to know that you have found a place that understands you and the hell that you've been thru.
Check out the original NPD thread as it contains much of the "foundation" info concerning the disordered.
Welcome again, and sad that you find yourself also a member of our "Tribe".

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dragonfly,
Don't be sorry. It was a long time ago, and I'm well past it now. I'm just reflecting.....

One other thing I was going to mention was the fact that my XNPDH was a serial cheater. I mean it didn't seem to matter who it was. I had to worry for 6 months weather he had given me something or not. I had to go through all of those horrible test. It was all so humiliating.

Welcome ktshadow. You'll find much support here. I completely understand what you mean about him turning things around. The blame-shifting, walking on eggshells, etc.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, December 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Received a Christmas card addressed only to me signed "your mother-in-law".

I can't begin to describe all the emotions that have been swimming in my head and my heart.

I know she probably didn't mean it as such; but it feels like a low blow.

Any thoughts are welcome.

DF


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


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