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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: The N.P.D. Thread Part IV
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, BoB, sigh...it IS all encompassing!

NC~ do speak to your atty.

lied2~ what a shit of a father.

I have a bad head cold & am struggling to get out of bed today.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC: I agree with everybody else. I would get the cash. Like the baby's going to tattle...

Bob: I think you've hit it. So many times I hit my head up against that stone wall because I didn't think he knew what he was doing. At this point, I have come to realize that it DOESN'T MATTER if he knows what he's doing or not; he's doing it regardless, and will continue to do so.

lied2: Hey, my tree is up. No lights, no decorations, but it's up. Last year, I got to the lights stage, and that was it. If I can make it, so can you. I believe in you!

dreamlife: sending some virtual chicken soup

Hugs to everybody else. I lost two pounds last week on the Kookus Diet, so I plan on eating like a pig for Christmas! Y'all have a happy holiday, while I sit around waiting for my STD panel results.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((veritas))) I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. You're in my thoughts.


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'he's doing it and will continue to do so'...God, so true!

Thnx 4 the virtual chicken soup, its yummy, Veritas!

We CAN do X'mas despite these N freaks.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))
Something the Buddhist/Thearapist said to me:
She's no longer your "X" wife. She's your "Y" wife (as in why?).

Something for us all to contemplate...?

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love that idea! He definitely is my "y" husband -as in why did I bother/care/try/belive in/marry ...oh yes! So according to this philosophy I feel that we can all have a "y" ex as it makes it sound like a practice run ready for the real thing!

NC - take the clothes back or put them on ebay.

I heard today that the ex is beginning to tell lies to the ow already!!! He is still trying to maintain the illusion until he gets a ring on her finger I guess!! It was an issue about money - the first of many issues I am sure!!

My tree is up Lied and I even sent cards this year! Get your tinsel out girl!


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. Lied2, get that tree up. You will feel much better. Get some Christmas music going and have the boys help. It will be great fun.

I'm just getting my cards out tonight!

The holiday season runs through New Years, right?


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
janedoe99
♀ Member
Member # 17083
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey!

My therapist suggested that my WH has NPD -- where does a newbie start gathering information?

WH and I are currently separated, and getting divorced very soon.

Thanks!


Me BW 36 Him WH/XH 32
DD - 4 y/o; DSS 11 y/o
M 4yrs/ Together 8
D-day#1/2 - Sept. 2007, Nov. 2007
Divorced 4/08

Posts: 156 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Florida
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, jane!

What is he doing?

You might want to start reading at the beginning of threads 1, 2, 3, & 4...lots of good info there.

Sorry you have to join our N freaks Tribe though...

(((((hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
janedoe99
♀ Member
Member # 17083
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm... where to start? I always knew that WH was controlling and manipulative -- but until I starting discussing his habits with my IC, I didn't realize just how much.

I guess my classic example is a recent conversation with WH: One of his main reasons for asking me for the D was that I spent too much time with my family, friends, and activities. I told him that I was always like that (same family, friends, and activities from the day we met). Then he told me, that he had "hoped" that I would choose him over those things. Whatever.

He would also belittle me (in a joking manner), and he definitely exaggerates his abilities (especially with money -- we are severely in debt).

I'm not sure to what extremes he will go to, but I do know that he always has to be right.

I'm glad I'm getting out of this M now!

I'll definitely read the beginning threads.


Me BW 36 Him WH/XH 32
DD - 4 y/o; DSS 11 y/o
M 4yrs/ Together 8
D-day#1/2 - Sept. 2007, Nov. 2007
Divorced 4/08

Posts: 156 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Florida
Dragonfly32
♀ Member
Member # 16362
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something I think we should all remember, because I am guilty of forgetting, and itty reminds me of this often, we have to ask ourselves what WE NEED, what WE WANT, without the NPD freak factor, focus on that!

For me it is finacial stability, treatment for my Aspy son, and Extra activites for my youngest son...

Sure I want some happiness for myself, but getting away from the NPD freak is the first step in my happiness.
Sure each battle tests me, sometimes to the point that I feel it would be easier to just give up...especially as of late, however.... hearing everyones stories, knowing that "I am not the only one", well for me, that is a gift. A gift that could not have come at a better time in my life. I found a picture that speaks volumes to me,

Facing Giants is what I have tagged it... We are facing our own giants everyday. Only now, we have an army of support behind us...

Thank you all for my wonderful gift this season, new friends and new voices all fighting the same giant as I am.


If life's not beautiful without the pain,
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer.
And it feels pretty soft to me.
Modest Mouse


Posts: 149 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Oklahoma
IDeserveBetter
Member
Member # 16602
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your wonderful replies to my last post. They truly touched my heart. The support I got here actually made me have tears in my eyes. No where else have I found anyone who understands what I've gone through.

I haven't posted much since then because I have been really depressed. I am not looking forward to Christmas. I have an anger and emptiness and dullness inside that I've never had before in my life.

I've been walking around the past couple of weeks thinking "so THIS is what it's like to be in his world. Where nothing is really special. No holiday is special, they are just kind of a bother. No REAL loving, caring emotions." This is the dull, gray, flat world inside his head and now it's in mine.

But I don't feel as if I am completely lost in it. I know there are small pieces of me still left. I am fighting to find the joy and emotion and consideration I've always had.

I just wish he hadn't stayed here. I wish I was not living with him in my home. He is sucking me in. I can feel it happening.

It's only been a little over a couple of weeks since WH last lied to me last. The past 6 months, he's been lying - not about infidelity but about smoking pot and where he's been going to get it.
I wanted him to move out a couple of months ago after he dropped down his bipolar meds and thought he could drink sometimes with them also. He went manic and nasty again. I really wanted him to leave, but I am not working and we didn't have enough money for him to leave for a while. Of course, he won't borrow money from his parents. I am looking for a job.

Anyway, I find myself hoping to catch him in another lie. He has told me he is laying low, just trying to stay here with me, hoping I will give him another chance to work things out. I feel he's manipulative, he says he is just trying to "save" our marriage. He talks about things we will do in the future, places we will travel, things to fix in the house, etc. I just look at him like he's nuts.

I feel as if him being here and being nice is going to suck me in again. Does this make sense? I am too soft hearted in general and especially when it comes to this man. I guess I am just so used to his behavior. I know he's being nice now, but I don't know if I could ever really trust him again.

It is SO hard living with someone who is NPD and bipolar to the extent he is. I just with he had left when he was being really horrible, when it would have been easier for me. I think he knew this though. Now, I find myself wishing his bipolar, nasty, shithead side would kick in again. Because I think it always will, someday, at some time.

Why, oh why, wouldn't he just give me the respect and space I needed? He could have borrowed money from his parents and stayed out of the house for a month or so to let me breath and think. I guess it didn't serve HIS wants. But why does he want to stay so badly? I have not been treating him nicely. I think he thinks he can ride out the storm once more.

Any advice?

[This message edited by IDeserveBetter at 10:49 PM, December 20th (Thursday)]


Posts: 754 | Registered: Oct 2007
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((IDB)))
(((HUGS) x50 Bazillion.
Advice? Hmmmmmm.... Can you find a corner of the house to zone for a few minutes? Sit down, crosslegged. Close your eyes, breathe deep into your belly. Let your belly relax. Try to smile a little. Breathe thru your nose. In out. Deep. Let the thoughts and feelings rise. Let them go and focus back on the breathing.

Then get up and kick his ass !!! (I'm kidding about kicking his ass).

This little exercise may help you reground yourself to continue your valiant fight. It may calm your spirit and help you find and continue on your way thru the N-scape.

When you are free of him, at least not in the same space, it will really start to get better. Then NC. It will take time. Keep doing your babie steps. Little by little the funk will start to subside, and you'll be back. The job will help your peace of mine, give you your own thang, your accomplishment.

He will be an ass again. But you will be better prepared to see it for what it is, to take it less personal, to keep moving beyond it. We are here for you. You deserve better.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, December 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CJ))),
How are you?

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((IDB))) I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. Don't worry. There's a LOT of you left. The numbness you feel now is just your natural defenses trying to protect you from more damage. Now, you need to start taking better care of yourself CONSCIOUSLY. Not him. YOU.

Like BoB says, you start small. (But it's really MAJOR!) Grab some quiet space, like BoB suggests. I also find that a nice 30-minute walk is wonderful for helping me to calm my mind and get focused again.

Please try this. It might not seem to help at first, but most people, if they walk 3 or 4 times a week, find that it really helps.

While you are walking, you might find that the inner you is able to communicate better. You might start to understand that you do ALWAYS have choices. You might start making the plans you need to make to start making your life your own again.

One foot in front of the other! It's old, but it works!

There really is hope even in the darkest season. Find it!! It's in you!

(((IDB)))

Longlost


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sick with a miserable cold & my N just continues to lie, lie, LIE. (Actually, its sort of *amusing* to me now...well, cuz he does not live here...& it also reinforces just how much I do not want him in My Life ever again! I never knew such NORMAL-appearing people could be so fucking deranged & COLD.)

My way of *coping* is simply this:

"One Day at a Time"...knowing there IS light at the end of the N tunnel (*Lurker Alert, sorry, Tribe!)...& I refuse to let the rotten bastard ruin yet another holiday of MINE.

Basically, having already lost my son, I am a Survivor, & an Optimist.

Hugs to everyone...Life is short...throw some tinsel up on the tree n pour some egg nog; and have a few of BoB's delicious cookies.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 8:52 AM, December 21st (Friday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))
More cookies are up !!!
Lied, yours are on the tray with one bourbon, one scotch and one beer.
Dream, yours is on the tray with the soup.
Babie Luna, yours is pureed into your bottle.
Everyone else, ya gots milk with yer cookies.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))
Something I've noticed this week:
Social Services, The Courts, and Lawyers have some of these most abyssmal people skills I've seen, in people who deal with the public.
In all my years of dealing with the public, if I had treated people in these manners I'd have been fired and or lost my clients. Interesting...

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
downfall
♀ Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC - what ever makes you feel right with it. I hope you found a way to deal that gives you peace.

Welcome Jane!

Dragon - it is wonderful to hear some real strength from you. That is a great picture!

BoB - giggles that "y" is great. I've found the same to be true regarding the poor people skills. Try to remember that they have heard it all and sometimes several hundred times over. I believe most of them just get numb.

IDB - this is gonna sound wrong but your at a good point! Now is where you decide to not make the same mistakes he did. I remember thinking and feeling exactly how you stated with "now I'm in his world" type association. The only difference is you are NOT him. You are stronger, you are capable, you can do this! It will turn around. Stick with the small positive steps. Validate yourself, do things that improve your self-esteem, look for the simple beauty in the world and remember your a part of it. Prioritize and put yourself first (or second after the kids).

For myself, I had a long talk with my boy last night. He had some issues yesterday typical to the age. *I* was able to speak with him. Not his mother, not his father's wife, but me. It was one of those talks that furthered a bond never to be broken. He is learning I can be his friend and his parent. These small moments. They are what life is about. I love that boy so much my heart wants to explode with it, and some day he will be a wonderful man. It makes everything worthwhile.

Many positive thoughts to all.

DF


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
ktshadow
♀ Member
Member # 10920
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been very consistently recently and over the course of my relationship with my stbfh had a difficult time in general with making plans that involve them. Does anyone else have a way to deal with this? Here is an example and of course it is that much more profound with the holidays. I asked him last week if he wanted me to carve out some time from my weekend with our son this weekend to have him see my stbfh uncle who is in from out of town. He said that he "didn't really have time to care about whether or not my uncle sees (our son) with everything going on. It is your weekend, so enjoy him and if something can work out, we'll work it out." So today he calls and says "so let's work something out for Sunday then with my uncle". I told him that I had already made plans for that day bc he told me he didn't care about whether or not his uncle saw him. Is this common because I don't have this problem communicating with anyone else in my life. Is it just that they do EVERYTHING as the mood suits them? This ought to be fun when we try to do a collaborative divorce and reach a settlement agreement. I am trying to be optimistic about that process, but at least in that scenario, there is someone else in the room with us...Help!


Don't let only one person decide if you are loveable or not. Be around the ones who have already decided that you are.
I traded in my intuition for his analysis.

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2006
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