Cj - take care my friend. Move carefully agaginst this man.
Bob - they are nuts. All of them. You just keep doing what you do. The kids will see which way is the right way.
Take care everyone.
She helped him hide his affairs and even helped him hide the OC. When I would confide in her and tell her that I feared he had been unfaithful and or having an affair, she told me that I was the one with the problem, that I was paranoid, and by continuing to WRONGFULLY accuse him of adultery, I was the one destroying the marriage. She told ME, that I should get help for my paranoia, which I did. She did this while acting like she cared about me to my face, and helping him hide the baby and HIDE MY ASSETS behind my back.
Horrible, horrible people.
This is why I usually advise to cut your losses and get out. Most of the time the abuse and the damage (financial and emotional) is far more than you probably even realize. There is so much more going on behind the scenes that we can even imagine. The longer we stay, the more damage that is done.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
I did a post in the Just Found out Section about the OW calling me yesterday.
Ok I took the bull by the horns and got the link
I hope to learn all about those of you who post here, I look forward to it.
[This message edited by StungAgain at 1:45 PM, January 7th (Monday)]
You will find a lot of support here.
Most of the time the abuse and the damage (financial and emotional) is far more than you probably even realize. There is so much more going on behind the scenes that we can even imagine. The longer we stay, the more damage that is done.
The financial aspect is what still royally pissed me off to this day. I'll be broke for many more years, paying off the hell that man unleashed.
Cerise: Congratulations! I think what impressed me most of all was that you managed to stay strong and on target while kookus was all over the place. Part of unlearning how to be a victim (the unfortunate lesson we all learn in dealing with N's) is in not accepting everything that the kookus says or does as The Standard. You might have violated the letter of the parenting plan by giving your daughter a medication that he disagreed with, but he is denying her medical advice, which probably has more to do with suspicion and paranoia than concern for her welfare. He never was God, and you definitely don't have to accept ANYTHING he says as gospel. You're a nurse with a medical doctor backing you up; what more do you need to feel good about your decisions?
Dragonfly: I'm sure you'll probably give deadbeats hell in court (that could be some good therapy for your anger!).
Jonesie: Woo hoo! I know you're happy that this day has finally come! But please, do, be careful. Take care of yourself and don't let your guard down.
dreamlife: Actually, the carcinogenic part of sassafras is not found in file' (safrole). File' is comprised of only sassafras leaves, which do not contain safrole. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to sell it; they no longer sell sassafras tea for that reason. I'm not a big fan of it as a thickening agent, although sometimes I do get nostalgic for just a sprinkle of it on top of my gumbo! And by gumbo, I mean a soup cooked with either okra, file', or roux (or some mixture thereof). I make spaghetti with spaghetti noodles, I make sandwiches with bread, and if I didn't put those particular things in them, I would not consider them either spaghetti or sandwiches. Whatever else I put in my gumbo is totally a choice -- and highly variable.
I've been following your posts in JFO, StungAgain, and I have to say I'm happy you're here with us in NPD but sad you're at SI at all. Know what I mean?
So the standard introduction here is something like, "Welcome to the Island of Misfit Toys," since we all feel like we're completely crazy when we get in here. In sharing what your relationship has been like, and in attempting No Contact, you'll begin to distance yourself from the NPD person long enough to see that --- yeah, you WERE crazy, and you were being driven there by an exceptionally skillful manipulator.
Any of this ringing true yet with you? Yeah. Thought so.
Many warm hugs for you, Stung Again. You're going to make it through all of this just fine. It's going to take time and chutzpah and guts and more than one box of Kleenex, but we've got your back.
So what's your plan, as of this minute, in regards to your STBX? You have a call in for a lawyer. When does that meeting take place?
If the SPCA angle doesn't work on the OW, you may consider a suit against the two of them for infliction of emotional distress, amongst other things. Be very clear with your lawyer about things such as having to now have a therapist or prescriptions, etc. Let your lawyer guide you through the separation of finances and such, but make sure you tell your lawyer what you've been through and what it has cost you in monetary terms. Most lawyers will pick up on that and be able to advise you regarding other lawsuits that could help you level the financial playing field.
You also need to let the police know that you're feeling threatened and that you'd appreciate a drive-by now and then tonight. Go on record as requesting this with them. Right now you don't know what your STBX is going to do, and most folks here will tell you that when the house of cards starts to fall down around an NPD's ears, s/he will become enraged to the point of insanity. You need to protect yourself in every way possible until you know what his next move is.
Good luck at your new job tonight. I'll be thinking of you, and hoping you are well.
I've read your post if JFO. Oh my stars. Wow. You have not been having fun I can see. That man(boy) is not right. He sounds more like a socipopath (APD) then NPD on the APD/NPD continuim. Threnody and Knuclehead have given you some superdupergnarly advice. And thanks to WonderingBull for sending you over here.
This thread is a bit different then the general population threads in that all the rules of normalacy don't exist here. "N does not stand for Normal" to quote Veritas.
Please read and post and ask.
Please do as has been advised, ie: calling the Police and getting them involved. He does sound potentially very dangerous and as Threnody said, when they lose control they can go off their rocker. Check out SadToo's (Den Mother of NPD Threads ) posts for more info.
Welcome with sadness that you find yourself here, but together we will all get through this.
I must admit I am feeling VERY nervous this morning, he has gone from calling and drop by visits, to the last 24 hours of no contact, no nothing. Last thing I heard from him was that he "might" call me last night and now nothing.
I have been down this emotionall bullshit rollercoaster before and I want to assume that it is work related but not sure.
I know I shouldn't worry about him, but I am, VERY. He is unpredictable, and I am sensing unstable.
I am feeling very betrayed. How could someone make plans with OW for months, tell her that I am not in the picture, that he is living at the farm, when we were living at the other house in town with his nephews???
She tells me that he has been planning all of this since last February, that she had no idea, and it is possible that maybe she didn't because OW says if she had, she wouldn't have given him any $$, makes sense to me, why would someone give another person $40K if there was already a wife in the picture?
She told me yesterday morning that "the ball is in his court" and I told her that he won't do anything, that is his pattern. Her comment was "then I guess that is his choice too now isn't it?" She kind of turned snarky on me, maybe my interpretation, but either way, I haven't called or heard from her since.
I know others say change your phone numbers, but I am scared. If I change my numbers he may just show up at my place pissed that I didn't tell him I was doing that, does that make sense to anyone? Or am I just losing my mind even more???
I called the local police and spoke to them about my dog, and they said that if he did nip her then they would have asked that he be put down. BUT being that it is my dog and no one told me or had the courtesy to call me the officer said that I could file a civil suit for damages as a result of his death. Do I really want to do that? I know Rusty didn't deserve to die and I don't even know where he is buried (god I hope he did get buried )
See as far as I know X doesn't know I all know all of this. According to OW he doesn't know that we have spoken, but trust me he is very good at reading body language and even if she said we didn't speak, he would figure out that we most likely did, and it will be ME that gets the punishing, not her, it has always been me. Whether she gets anything as retribution I am not sure.
I do know she apologized for hittig him in the face, so maybe to him all is forgiven, it is my fault that she did that, because of something I said (if that is what he is thinking).
I did go to work, I have never worked two jobs before, I did go in for about 4 hours at my other job first, then my second job. I don't know if I can do this I am exhausted, emotionally drained, scared, tired, oh so tired, mentally unsure. Already take Anti-depressants have for years. I don't have therapy till Thursday and group on Thursday as well. Thank god I can call the shelter where I go for the therapy and talk to someone even if it is for 5 mins.
Sorry for rambling
I have followed your story. How can they do it? I don't know the answer to that, but I can tell you that I have been in a similar place as you. My XNPDH was married to me, I thought for the most part happily, while behind my back he had been carrying on several affairs one affiar he had a baby and told this woman he was not married, then when she found out he was, told her that I was in the mental institution, and we were getting a divorce, AND had another woman he was stringing along who he was engaged to.
I thought the reason he was acting like a lunatic was because he was an alcoholic.
My advice to you is to obtain a protection order, change your locks, change your telephone number and get an attorney RIGHT NOW.
Do NOT speak to him or have any type of communication with him FOR ANY REASON through ANY MEANS.
He is dangerous, manipulative and at this point very desperate. Forget the OW. She can get herself out of her own mess. You need to think about you right now.
I'm sorry about your dog. I've lost two beloved animals that I strongly suspect my XH had something to do with their death. The only thing you can do is file a civil suit. If your WS is anything like my XNPD, he will escallate the situation and make things worse. It will end up costing you a fortune and you still end up with a dead dog. Let it go.
I know this is hard and I know that you are shock and I know that you are heartbroken. You need to toughen up and pull up your bootstaps. It's about to get tougher. Start moving forward, be strong and let your lawyer do the talking. Hit fast and hit hard, stick to NC, get the police behind you and you will be okay. There is no room for backsliding with guys like this.
Good luck. We're here for you.
First and foremost you must for your own health and wellbeing go NC IMMEDIATELY. I realize this is a big step and you will feel like you are breaking an addiction, and you are. It's not easy, but DO IT and do not look back. With NPD's the only way to "win" is to get the fuck away ASAP.
Also DO talk to a lawyer. Do play hard and most of all FAST. This is your best defense.
Good luck, and please lean on us whenever you need to.
[This message edited by NoControl at 12:28 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]
I had an email off my solicitor today enclosing a letter from my ex. After my divorce was finalised we applied for costs.
The ex ignored this letter for a month but coincidentally after seeing me with my shopping bags on my dd birthday (where I also was forced to meet ow) he felt compelled to write a letter saying he will only pay twenty pounds a month towards half his costs. Ok so far! Then he demanded to know what my legal costs were and said he was forced to sell HIS house to me! He then said that I was an spendthrift and had ruined his financial name. What a classic case of projection!
The sad thing is he actually believes this bullshit! Do you remember me saying I had no money to feed my children and he said it wasn't is problem! Yeah I was dripping in diamonds at the time!
He is insane - does he not understand we are divorced now and he has being living with ow for the past year??
I think you said Sad that he is trying to wind me up at the moment...he is a toddler having a tantrum because he is being ignored. My solicitor said he is talking absolute nonsense. What worries me is how he still wants attention from me.
Anyway I said I will take his twenty pounds a month because it will annoy him having to pay this! But I think I need to be careful - he seems a bit strange at the moment. Well, stranger than usual!
Dream - my thoughts are with you at this difficult time.
Got a letter from a lawyer stating that they will be representing STBXPDW.
I also picked up copies of the police reports from the last year.
She had filed one, I filed four. In hers she complained that I wouldn't let her see DDs and was being difficult. At the end of hers was a reference from the Police, referencing where I had called the Police the night before and asked if I was in the wrong to not make the children go to STBXPDWs if the children did not want to go and were afraid of her. I also mentioned sociopath and mental disorders along with safety concerns for the children and what the children wanted, and that she had threatened to come and take the kids per conversation she had with counselor.
My first report was the night I had exposed the affair and I had reported that she may cause trouble.
The second report was from a few days before DDs and I moved out stating that there was trouble with STBXPDW and I was concerned for DDs safety.
Third report is the one referenced in her report. That was filed the day before her report.
The last report I stated threats she made (thought about killing me), CC & Welfare fraud, Custody and Placement issues, Neglect, CPS, etc.
[This message edited by bobelina at 4:36 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]
I have to laugh about your XH flipping out about your shopping spree. Little did he know you had many bags with a little bit of nothing in each bag. Such an idiot. They are so easily threatened. Shopping, a new fence, etc. In my case I put a dumpster out front and remodel a bathroom and he loses it to the point of getting another protection order slapped against him.
They are almost predictable, aren't they?
It's like they can't stand it that life has gone on without them and we have actually SURVIVED and even THRIVED in most cases. It drives them MAD.
I think it's funnier than hell. Here's to laughing our ass off at how good it is without the SOB's in our lives.