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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone's emotionally unresponsive spouse been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome? Or anyone else suspected it? (pioneerspirit)
Our MC suggested this to me in our last IC'ing session. He felt that this was very possibly what my H's diagnosis was. When we went over the criteria there were a few missing pieces but I have highlighted those that I see and have seen for years. He does not meet all 6 criteria as needed for a true diagnosis but he does meet most.
I'm so glad to hear that someone else feels they may be dealing with this. I'd be interested in any comments and will be happy to explain how I feel my H fits the criteria I highlighted if interested.
The following criteria are on the asperger disorder homepage found at asperger.com:
1.Severe impairment in reciprocal social interaction
(at least two of the following)
(a) inability to interact with peers
(b) lack of desire to interact with peers
(c) lack of appreciation of social cues
(d) socially and emotionally inappropriate behavior

2.All-absorbing narrow interest
(at least one of the following)
(a) exclusion of other activities
(b) repetitive adherence
(c) more rote than meaning

3.Imposition of routines and interests
(at least one of the following)
(a) on self, in aspects of life
(b) on others

4.Speech and language problems
(at least three of the following)
(a) delayed development
(b) superficially perfect expressive language
(c) formal, pedantic language
(d) odd prosody, peculiar voice characteristics
(e) impairment of comprehension including misinterpretations of literal/implied meanings
5.Non-verbal communication problems
(at least one of the following)
(a) limited use of gestures
(b) clumsy/gauche body language
(c) limited facial expression
(d) inappropriate expression
(e) peculiar, stiff gaze
6.Motor clumsiness: poor performance on neurodevelopmental examination

(All six criteria must be met for confirmation of diagnosis.)

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:11 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But the reason they say all 6 must be present is because there are parts of dysfunctional behavior in all of us.

An all-absorbing narrow interest might be jewelry making for some. They get so engrossed they miss that it's 5 PM and need to start dinner. If they do that ALL the time, does it mean they have aspergers or they just don't like making dinner?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
HurtingInDenver
♂ Member
Member # 15974
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I learned from personal experience that Asperger's is very hard to detect and that sometimes one apparent "sign" might actually be linked to something else.

It might be worth getting a second (or even third) opinion...

Has your H always displayed these symptoms?

Also, I mentioned before that before DDay I was EU. According to the list , I am/was autistic...


I'm flat out spent, this woman she been driving me to tears
This woman so crazy, I swear I ain't going to touch another one for years -B.Dylan


Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2007
HurtinMan
♂ Member
Member # 15695
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just chiming in that I identify with a TON on this thread.

It has made me see things about myself and my FWW both being EU at times to different degrees.

HurtingInDenver, I think we are married to the exact same woman. Any pearls of widsom are welcome... especially trying to get FWW to open up and be more intimate physically. My IC just keeps saying "be the model for her and keep doing it to her"

In case you're wondering, I also belong to the "those dealing witn an alcoholic" and "those dealing with sexual difficulties in a relationship" clubs too. Though, the alcoholism aspect seems to be less a factor lately which is nice to say.


DDay - 8/2007 BrokenNC -11/07
BH with 2 kids
Committed to R

Posts: 1615 | Registered: Aug 2007
howdigethere
♀ New Member
Member # 8516
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of you have described my marriage.

I am at the three year anniversary of the end of my H's A and while I never wanted any of this I am slowly coming to the conclusion that for me it's over.

I don't know how many of you had H's that were very Emotionally Available to their OW, but mine was. All I ever wanted from him and he gave it all to her.

I'm tired of waiting to see it from him especially since he has been told this over and over.

Why are the crumbs these men give us so enticing to make us stay??


BS-Me(41)
WS-H(41)

M-16y(1990) Together-22y
DD#1-April 16,2004
DD#2-July 6,2004
DD#3-Sept 24,2004
Started down the road to divorce Sept 04-H decided in Nov 04 not to file
Reconciling


Posts: 38 | Registered: Oct 2005
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how, so sorry to see you join us.

I don't think my H was emotionally "invested" in his OW. He was using prostitutes while seeing her too, so I really think that was the perspective he was trying to keep.

But that doesn't mean he didn't have feelings for her.

But he can't even tell his kids that he loves them with tenderness and care, so I doubt he bestowed that on his LTAP.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - Our MC is really puzzled by my H and is searching I think to put him into a category that he can understand and ultimately treat. He has also suggested that my H has NPD. This seems more likely to me. Who the hell knows? I just feel that there must be some disorder to explain how any one of our H's or W's who engaged in a LTA could have lived that life.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the camp of it was a decision. They made it, they knew the consequences. Whether there were FOO issues, MLC, low self-esteem, fear of conflict, whatever... they still did it and there is no excuse in the world good enough.

My H was not mentally ill. He has no "disorder" other than selfish, stupid behavior.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of our many therapists over the years talked about Asperger's and my husband. She didn't feel it connected to the affair, as much as the reason he is so emotionally void. But he definitely doesn't meet six criteria!

I am curious were your husband emotionally unavailable to the OW to your knowledge?


Posts: 5586 | Registered: Jul 2002
lostgal
♀ Member
Member # 16180
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"hellonearth"
I know your post is one page back but as I was reading it I was yelling...OMG OMG, WTF I have heard that one myself. I told my WH a couple of weeks ago that I wanted to be able to communicate with him on a civil level without all the anger and circles. I told him we would forever be connected because of our daughter and we owe it to her to try. Since I said that...almost EVERY conversation we have had he has said, I don't want you to hate me and NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS WE NEED TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE OF OUR DAUGHTER. Gee, where in the hell did he hear that. He says that to me so I won't get the freaking wrong idea because we have one good conversation. Last week we talked on the phone and he started to say that phrase, I had enough. I told him if you say that to me ONE more time I will be done communicating with you. I told him he tells me that in every phone conversation we have. I said, hey I have no delusions here, I don't even know if I would take you back. Funny..he hasn't said it since then but we have only talked twice on the phone since then.

Sorry..had to share that..after yelling at my computer I felt I better write it out so the guys with the white coats didn't come and take me away!!

[This message edited by lostgal at 1:35 AM, November 22nd (Thursday)]


Me: BW 37
WH 37
Married 14yrs/Together 18
1 GREAT KID 12
D-Day #1 8/13/07 EA
D-Day #2 8/17/07 EA
D-Day #3 10/31/07 EA

Status: 1/17/08 Wh is DONE,wants D


Posts: 105 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: NV
notmyfairytale
♀ Member
Member # 15348
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read all your posts and I can rlate with everything you all said.I think one of the worst things I realised after DDay was I was actually breaking down too and reaching out to someone who was completly emotionally not there.At the time it was like a nightmare and I kept looking at him and thinking "is this real, is there really nothing in there?"

At least I know I am not the only one going through hell. I don't think that there is "nothing in there" but I do think at least in my case that he has repressed it so much that he's forgotten about it.


me- 30 FBS
him 38 FWS
MadHatter in my First M

Reconciled.

Proud member of the purple Dyson club.

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and walk away.

Have you hugged your MOD today?


Posts: 1729 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SC
burnt_toast
♀ Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether there were FOO issues, MLC, low self-esteem, fear of conflict, whatever... they still did it and there is no excuse in the world good enough.

My H was not mentally ill. He has no "disorder" other than selfish, stupid behavior.

Yup.


It is what it is.

Posts: 4681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
hellonearth
♀ Member
Member # 11919
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

Well, I'm taking time out of all this for me and my 4 yr old DEAR son who SO hasn't deserved ANY of the pain he has witnessed for 1/4 of his little life.

I've asked WH to leave our home, yes, I've asked before, but I'm praying for strength.

We need a time out.


BS-Me-39 FWH-Him-38
Together 23 yrs. 1 son 9 yrs old
Dday#1-Aug 06
TT until Nov 06
False R until Jan 08-too much anger/defensiveness, lack of consistent support from him
S- Jan 08-July 08
Aug 08-Fall 2011-rugsweeping
back in MC and IC trying

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada
hellonearth
♀ Member
Member # 11919
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, November 23rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ithastogive::

"1. I went through years of sexual rejection. Of course he was getting his jollies from his own hand and internet porn. The rejection/witholding of sex was extremely painful and damaging to me, especially considering his own hand was more enticing than me

2. Even after all that, he always feels the victim. You know, all men look at porn and have secrets yadayadayada. To this day he does not accept responsibilty for any issues in our M.

3. Our relationship is secondary to everything in his life and has been for many years. He thinks that because he left work every night and came home to me and our family rather than going out to bars or with friends, he was being right"

OMG, I can totally relate to the above as well. My WH was a regular pot smoker for 10+ yrs...just ending prior to his first A attempt. Anyways, for years our sex life had been....well, for lack of better words "near non-existant" I tried to talk about it with him, I had spoken to some girlfriends about it as well, and just thought.....hmmmm...guess he's NOT 18 yrs old anymore, and a couple people told me that smoking pot lowers the libido. I did some net research on the pot topic as well, approached my WH and suggested this?? He kinda did what I guess PA's do....sort of agreed, sort of got quiet, sort of kept me wondering??????? I didn't PUSH the issue, because the low libido thing wasn't a deal breaker for me, I wouldn't say I was thrilled , but I was "satisfied" with our sex life, in that there are MANY more important things to me in a longterm,loving relationship than sex. And I also didn't push it because I didn't want to make HIM feel less a man, like he wasn't "doing it for me". When we did it, he DID always do it for me, I've always been attracted to my WH.
He watched porn as well, thought he was hiding it, although I knew it was always around, I didn't care. I had the philosphy of "go ahead and look, just don't TOUCH"......never the real jealous type, until NOW. I also grew up with 5 older brothers, so seeing a man look at naked woman, was no shocker for me at all, quite contrary the "norm".

As for your second point, I feel you there as well. My WH was never one to plan anything for us, such as dates etc. WHat little we did do, alone as a couple after my son was born, I initiated. As for the pot smoking, I had THOUGHT he was smoking it every weekend or so, when he'd do his regular video games with friends or golfing or fishing outings, that was ALL I thought. After his A, he's admitted that for a few years leading up the A's, he'd been smoking almost EVERY morning on his way to work. This hurt like hell. We've been together since our early teens, my father was an emotionally abusive, selfish (admitted to drinking, but WHAT's the problem??)alcholic. My WH saw this pain and when were dating for about 3 or so years, since I knew he liked to smoke pot, I told him that I wasn't his mother and didn't want to ever tell him what to do, but I did want to tell him that I DID NOT WANT to be in a relationship with someone who abused substance.....period. Well, that's why he hid it from me I guess. He also said he didn't see the "harm" since, like your WH, he was not doing it in front of me or our son, and was coming home to us each night after work.

Give you freakin head a shake!!!!

I see that you're a WS, I have often asked my WS, why it wasn't that I WAS THE ONE WHO CHEATED???????

Do you think we'll see someone come along with a postitive R story having trying to get through it with a EU/PA spouse?

Any hope left??

[This message edited by hellonearth at 12:38 AM, November 23rd (Friday)]


BS-Me-39 FWH-Him-38
Together 23 yrs. 1 son 9 yrs old
Dday#1-Aug 06
TT until Nov 06
False R until Jan 08-too much anger/defensiveness, lack of consistent support from him
S- Jan 08-July 08
Aug 08-Fall 2011-rugsweeping
back in MC and IC trying

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada
survivingslowly
♀ Member
Member # 14214
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, November 23rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had his IC yesterday. He debriefed with me about it after. It was interesting.

He's a people-pleasing, conflict-avoiding, passive agressive, emotionally unavailable WS.

So, hmmmm, what to deal with first?

Conflict avoidance and people pleasing: These are his insghts from his IC session. He was taught in his FOO that conflict was win/lose. It was physical. Not from his parents but he had only brothers. So conflict amonst the boys was resolved physically. His dad was probably PA, sit quietly, say nothing, then eventually blow (verbally, and bring the hammer down). So he learned on that you win or you lose in conflict. No one likes to lose, so its best to avoid it altogether. So as a result, he saw his role as keeping the peace. Don't rock the boat. Don't have an opinion, don't enter into debates. Don't let your voice be heard lest it brings on a conflict. How do you do that? By taking on the role of pleasing others. So you watch for cues as to what's important to them, and run with it.

End result becomes that he did not allow other people to really get to know him. He didn't share, he didn't open up. This was very evident in our M. Whatever decision needed to be made, it always boiled down to what I wanted. Now you would think that we would all just love that right? We get our own way. But it doesn't quite work that way. I likely manipulated it and took advantage of him (unintentionally, I'm sure, but maybe not so unintentionally at times).

Its hard to truly respect someone who doesn't appear to respect themselves. And someone that you don't feel that you truly know.

So, then the dynamic begins....he's pleasing me, he makes a mistake, I come down hard on him, he walks away thinking "there's no pleasing her", unhappiness sets in, both become vulnerable to an A.

I wonder if being emotionally unavailable is the end result of the above...in my situation anyway.

I'm not sure exactly where PA fits into all of it quite yet.

But he really felt that there was some important insights that came from this session.

His IC seems to feel quite strongly about some type of weekend retreat thing just for him. Kinda like a "man camp" thing. My WH is going to look into it.

The main thing in my case is that he is willing to explore all of this. This has been a huge step forward in my view. How he got there is hard to understand or exlain. I think over time (6 months post dday), he began to realize that regardless of whether we make it or not, he will still have to face himself. Also the first 6 months, the focus was on survival....this was discussed with his IC as well. Not just physical survival as in living on his own, but just *being* alone, without us.

He's had and ended many relationships in the past and previous marriages, but this time, I think he thinks the stakes are higher because, I'm the only wife that he's had children with. So to lose all of that (in his mind) is just huge.

So there may be hope for him in the end. We will just keep working on it.

He e-mailed me after our discussion last night and told me that one of the most insightful things he's realized is that he needs to learn to love himself and he thinks that through this process, we may both fall in love with him.

It was cute the way he put it.

The only other thing that I realized from listening to him was that the focus of his IC was on him...not so much on our M. And I think that's really good. These people really need to look inward and resolve their own feelings about themselves, then, and only then, can they see how it affects their relationships. Perhaps before this, my focus was on his *labels* and how it affected *me*. So that was really good for me to hear.

So we'll just keep on keeping on and see where this journey takes both of us.


BS-me
FWH-him

dday#1-March/07

Fully reconciled. Life is really good!!


Posts: 310 | Registered: Apr 2007
healingheart
♀ Member
Member # 16477
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, November 23rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any one else have this kind of set up? Me.... before DDay, people pleaser,codependant,enabler but able to "pretend" every thing was ok because I wanted it to be(so desperatly).Grew up in a
chaotic family (EU, alcoholic, mum, SA Dad)

Married, unwittingly , an Emotinally unavailable, SA , with npd personality.

What a mess,but im sorting it out!!!!! Things are getting much better, IC has helped me sort out loads of stuff. My H hasnt really changed in all honesty, its only circumstances have changed.

My counsellor taught me that I cant change him, just myself and it has started to help me face up to and clarify things.

[This message edited by healingheart at 12:38 PM, November 23rd (Friday)]



Posts: 676 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: UK
confusedbythis
♀ Member
Member # 15455
Frustrated  Posted: 11:02 AM, November 24th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had to stay away from this forum for awhile...this just hits soooo close to home.

We are now going on 6 mos. post DDay and still no real remorse, understanding or emotion about what has happened. I really thought that Thanksgiving might trigger him since we have had very stong traditions with our group of friends-- dinner at the same home, everyone brings their "signature" dishes to the feast, etc...8 years running. He never even called me all day- until 8 pm that night- and only then to ask a random question about the following day. No Happy Thanksgiving, no Missed you today, no nothing.

This from a man who is in IC for all of his "issues" and is supposedly working on being more in touch with his emotional side. He keeps telling me that he and his IC are "working" on this and he is making progress...really? He still can't bring himself to address the affair, he can't discuss anything without saying "we need to talk about that sometime" (putting it off...), he can't describe what he is feeling, and I am supposed to believe that this can really change???

My IC tells me to be true to what I "know". That one of the ways I have gotten myself into this situation is that I lose myself in the process of communicating, give myself and my needs away, and surrender what I feel in the name of playing the role of "good wife/daugher/friend/employee".

If I am staying true to what I "know", I can stop trying to control his reality and let his IC and him determine his path. I have spent the past 14 years of my life carrying him emotionally...I am truly exhausted and need to find a way to be the best person I can be, for me. This is VERY difficult for those of us who are married or in relationships with these types...my IC watches me, rapidly and involuntarily, switch from being ME to the version of me that caretakes
WH. Strange... We are working on making that reaction time a little bit slower...

I think the answer to dealing with these types is to deal with ourselves...we can't help being in love with them...but if we are in pain from the relationship, the only part that we truly can work on (as the emotional caretakers) is OUR part.


BS me
WS older than me
DS- typical teen (from a previous marriage)
DD #1 1995, before we married (how stupid am I...)
DD #2 6.8.07 EA, PA
Divorced June 09...free fron CRAZY-LAND!!! Yahoo!

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: OR
howdigethere
♀ New Member
Member # 8516
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, November 24th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I hasve finally become important to my H. I had been reading and saving(to a word doc.) all the info from this thread that I felt was what we had been dealing with. I left to pick my son up from baseball and forgot to log off the comp. Well, while I was gone my H opend it and read it, and while he didn't like seeing himself or our life so blatently, he couldn't ignore it either.

I'm glad he read it. He didn't hear me when I said it but he has heard your words and mine and is committed to help me past this and work on himself.

So crumb? or not I'm hopeful once again. I hope it's more.


BS-Me(41)
WS-H(41)

M-16y(1990) Together-22y
DD#1-April 16,2004
DD#2-July 6,2004
DD#3-Sept 24,2004
Started down the road to divorce Sept 04-H decided in Nov 04 not to file
Reconciling


Posts: 38 | Registered: Oct 2005
Frogger
♀ Member
Member # 15442
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to add that I have a EU/PA WH too.

Some interesting things have come up for us in the last few months that I was wondering if others have dealt with.

1)My WH thought that if we disagreed about ANYTHING we were getting a divorce. Something as small as disagreeing over a movie to watch would have him asking me if I wanted a divorce. I NEVER got that until he recently told me that he understood that we could disagree and still love each other and stay married. (I guess the fact that I didn't D him for the A made him realize I was not going to D him because he likes different movies than me )

2)He always tells people what they want to hear. Always. I can actually tell now when he is "lying" Which drives me CRAZY. If he is not going to do it, or feels uncomfortable doing it then SAY THAT!! Don't look me in the face, tell me you will do something, and then just not do it. If I can tell that he isn't going to do it, why can't he tell? And then he gets mad at me when he doesn't do it? WTF?

3)He completely disassociates himself from how his life is. So if something isn't working for him, he never looks to see what he did to make that happen. He looks OUTSIDE himself. He looks to see what others are doing to him and blames them for his unhappiness. (You know the guy blaming the person who wrote the directions when he can't put the kids toys together)

So anyway what I have realized is that he is afraid of his own feelings so he ignores them. He worries (I think) that people will think his feelings/opinions are WRONG and they will not like him if he expresses them. So he pushes them down. And he takes no responsibility for his own happiness or sadness in life. It just "happens"

[This message edited by Frogger at 9:06 PM, November 25th (Sunday)]


Love isn't enough, you need respect and trust. -Jimi40

Posts: 2296 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, November 26th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH thought that if we disagreed about ANYTHING we were getting a divorce. Something as small as disagreeing over a movie to watch would have him asking me if I wanted a divorce.

Yes, my H is just like that, I didn't know anyone else had to deal with it too! I've been asked if I want a divorce countless times during disagreements.

He's gotten much better about it recently. I hope he's finally getting "it".

He always tells people what they want to hear.

My H used to be on the opposite end of the spectrum. He used to be brutally honest and completely tactless. He didn't understand that one could be honest and tactful at the same time. What he thought, he said, with no filtering and no sense of what type of language was appropriate in certain settings.

Thankfully, he's MUCH better about it now.

He completely disassociates himself from how his life is. So if something isn't working for him, he never looks to see what he did to make that happen. He looks OUTSIDE himself. He looks to see what others are doing to him and blames them for his unhappiness.

That is spot on for my H. As far as I can tell, he does not engage in self-reflection. It is always someone or something outside of himself, like with your H. Everything happens to him and he bears no responsibility for how or why things turned out as they did.


I definitely think fear is a factor with him but, at this point, he is not capable of feeling that fear or of acknowledging it in anyway. I can't see him ever admitting, even to just himself, that he feels fear. So, only so much progress can be made.


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

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