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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm angry at myself for marrying him. But I know that is silly. I was a teenager for god's sake.

I'm also angry that he made a fool of me. On another thread I stated I never felt unloved by him. Obviously, that is my bad! I made a fool of myself believing in him.

I'm not angry for staying with him because I believe that is the smartest thing to do, and I try to do the smart thing.

I think the anger is probably part of the hurt. I rarely scream but I do cry all the time.


Posts: 5589 | Registered: Jul 2002
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you're a lot like me.... we have to forgive ourselves. We have to stop being angry at ourselves. None of this was our fault. We married who we loved, who they portrayed themselves to be. We trusted, we were loyal and loving. None of that is foolish behavior.

Am I angry? You bet I am. Do I let that run my life any more? No way.

It's quite understandable that you don't trust him. He fooled you. But HE DID IT. Were we naieve? Absolutely. Are we now? Nope. But that doesn't mean we can't still love, it's just different.

Your H is still there too. He could leave, you know. Then you'll be in the situation you said you wouldn't like to be in. Why do you think he's still there?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is still here because he thinks I am his life. He acts like I'm the next best thing to sliced white bread. Ironic, huh?

Of course he can leave and I will face a life that isn't easy for me. But I'm not going to put myself in that situation. It's called cutting off the nose to spite the face.


Posts: 5589 | Registered: Jul 2002
megmegryry
♀ Member
Member # 10740
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, November 30th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I did not know this thread was here. I call my H enotionally constipated. It makes R hard. Right now I wantto deck my H. I had a bad day and I was crying and he did not even offer me a tissue.

Posts: 663 | Registered: May 2006
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, December 1st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

meg, yeah that's part of the issue here, they can't stand for us to have emotions either.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
healingheart
♀ Member
Member # 16477
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, December 1st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am with you there weepy and Meg .... the only emotion my husband wants me to have is happy ( he doesnt care if I really feel it or not) just as long as im not "talking" to him about anything that he labels "heavy" ie anything that involves any feelings and im smiling. Grrrrrr.



Posts: 676 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: UK
Frogger
♀ Member
Member # 15442
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, December 1st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he has been out having fun while I am dealing with the kids and then he has the nerve to be frustrated because I stopped talking to him on the phone to answer DD question. Arrggg. I have been dealing with them all day and he has to wait for one fucking minute after doing his thing for SEVEN hours and he is FRUSTRATED?

I guess I should be thankful he has a word for it now.

How is it I ended up back at preA stage where his needs come first?

Damn it.


Love isn't enough, you need respect and trust. -Jimi40

Posts: 2296 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
megmegryry
♀ Member
Member # 10740
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, December 1st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's funny they seem to be capable of expressing anger.

That's what I get is the occasional anger.


Posts: 663 | Registered: May 2006
confusedbythis
♀ Member
Member # 15455
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anger...the one emotion that WH has no trouble with!

This week's counseling session involved trying to figure out why I would want to go into MC since WH continues (5 mos. post DDay) to stall discussing anything of substance with me. He is in his own IC but has not "shown" me remorse or tried to help me understand anything that happened. he stalls my every attempt to have meaningful discussions with the comment "that is what we should talk about in MC". When I press him for the reason he is putting me off, he tells me that he just doesn't have the right words to say and isn't confident of his emotions at all yet. He seems to feel that if/when he expresses something to me, he needs to be in control of it and portray himself appropriately...

I just don't get this at all. My counselor is helping me look at my marriage through new eyes and I am realizing that I have been living in a fantasy for many years. My perceptions of what constituted "marriage" was off base and didn't allow for me to be myself or to have my needs met.

I guess the reason I am writing this is to ask...for those of us in these relationships... don't we need as much help in discovering the WHY we chose someone so EU...and then the WHY we would stay and try to make something fulfilling out of that same "one-sided" relationship??

I realize that this doesn't have anything to do with the Affair directly, and there is NEVER any good reason for them to go outside their marriage for comfort of any kind...but I really am starting to understand that this is way deeper than just his A and my hurt, anger and pain...

What do you think?


BS me
WS older than me
DS- typical teen (from a previous marriage)
DD #1 1995, before we married (how stupid am I...)
DD #2 6.8.07 EA, PA
Divorced June 09...free fron CRAZY-LAND!!! Yahoo!

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: OR
megmegryry
♀ Member
Member # 10740
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case I feel my husband believes by being here and providing for the family that is emotional support. Lame huh? He can get mad though, I think it's more taxing to get angry than to say I feel sad,happy etc....

[This message edited by megmegryry at 10:48 PM, December 2nd (Sunday)]


Posts: 663 | Registered: May 2006
Frogger
♀ Member
Member # 15442
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess the reason I am writing this is to ask...for those of us in these relationships... don't we need as much help in discovering the WHY we chose someone so EU...and then the WHY we would stay and try to make something fulfilling out of that same "one-sided" relationship??

Good question!
When I look back at the start of the relationship I thougth WH was a great listener and so nonjudgemental. Now I see that he listens because he doesn't talk or share himself. He is "non judgemental" because he just tells you what you want to hear.

I guess I am still with him because I have that KISA myself. I want to show him that he can share himself and I won't run away screaming. Its a hard place to be--we want to teach them to open up and they can't because they are afraid we are going to leave--and we think about leaving because they won't open up.

I think the inablitity of an EA/PA to tell you what they wants or feel creats an atmosphere perfect for an A. They are upset that things aren't how they "should be" but they have no tools to change the situation. As spouses we start pulling back, we stop asking their opinions because they won't give them, we stop sharing because it hurts to be the only one sharing. We stop expecting them to do the things they say they will do and we no longer value their word or count on them.

Before you know it you are just roommates and unhappy roommates at that.


Love isn't enough, you need respect and trust. -Jimi40

Posts: 2296 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frogger, you sound like you were in my M. I too thought I could "fix" the self-doubt he had about himself by being his biggest cheerleader. I wanted to heal him. Knew I could too... boy I was that powerful.

don't we need as much help in discovering the WHY we chose someone so EU...and then the WHY we would stay and try to make something fulfilling out of that same "one-sided" relationship??

Absolutely. That's what's going on in IC. I know I didn't see the real him when we were dating. I know he had a "front", but underneath I also knew he was sweet, gentle and loyal. He just thought it was weak to show that side.

As spouses we start pulling back, we stop asking their opinions because they won't give them, we stop sharing because it hurts to be the only one sharing. We stop expecting them to do the things they say they will do and we no longer value their word or count on them.

And before you know it, you've set up the perfect scenario for an A by one or both parties.

When I stopped doing what you said above, he felt lost, unneeded, valueless. but what they fail to see is they put themselves there.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
HurtinMan
♂ Member
Member # 15695
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is unrelated to any previous post, but after going through some more stuff with my WS, I am wondering is the person really emotionally unavailable or do they just not have the tools they need to learn how to communicate and deal with their emotions/feelings in a healthy/outward way?

Is that something that can be taught if the person wants/is willing to change and work at it?

Just interested in your feedback on this - my WS has come a long way in our R in sharing and seeing the benefits from doing so - her parents did not really teach her about this sort of thing, they never said "I love you" or talked about feelings -- whereas mine talked it to death


DDay - 8/2007 BrokenNC -11/07
BH with 2 kids
Committed to R

Posts: 1615 | Registered: Aug 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtin, I think it can be "un-learned" or new ways learned. And I bet at your ages, you two have a better chance of doing that than some of us.

It takes a real willingness on both parts to change the dynamic. One person can change they way they react to the EU of the other, but eventually the EU has to be willing to meet half way or we find ourselves feeling like a doormat.

I think the change in EU behavior starts with learning new ways to communicate, period, and then it transfers to new ways to recognize the emotions.

My family never dealt with feelings except anger, so I learned to supress my wants and needs because I wasn't being heard anyway. Although my FWS's family was a very touchy-feely kind with hugs and kisses, there was coldness behind it, always a little removed from the act. And that's the way he is. He can kiss me and I can almost see his mind counting the seconds or figuring what he's going to do next. It's empty.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
megmegryry
♀ Member
Member # 10740
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well this shirt started a trigger attack


I am laying in bed the other night and my husband is starting at me I am trying to read while wearing this shirt. I say what are you starting at ? He says the sexy reader, now he never compliments me so I assume he must be making fun of my shirt. After almost 7 years he has never even told me Im beautiful or pretty. I press him and he won't answer me. So last night I am mad I want answers. After 7 years he has never complimented me without prodding and I ususally ask do I look ok and he says you look fine or you look nice. This triggered me big time, he went online and told porno chicks they were hot and sexy. So saying Im sexy may not be the best place to start. I rather hear I love you or your beautiful, or honey you lost 50 pounds you look a lot better........ So I start crying and explaining my feelings he get's sick of hearing it and yells "ARE YOU DONE YET?" Needless to say that made things worse. He does not want to feel anything so I am not allowed to. I explain to him that when he shuts me out and does not answer my questions and he does not give me disclosure that it makes it harder for me to process what has happened and it makes it harder for me to heal. Another thing he does is he turns things around and makes me the villian so no matter how bad he hurt me suddenly it's my fault. I always feel so much worse. Seriously I stayed true to my marriage vows. I did nto ask for him to have pron issues and an EA. It seems he does not get the idea as long as he denies me and my right tobe angry and hurt I can't heal. I eneded to vent.

I dropped the EA issue for a long time btw. Only recently have I tried working on that again. How can I R with a man who won't even apologize or clarify anything for me? I made him sleep on the couch last night. This really sucks.

[This message edited by megmegryry at 11:13 AM, December 3rd (Monday)]


Posts: 663 | Registered: May 2006
healingheart
♀ Member
Member # 16477
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs meg))) Its so hard with these guys sometimes isnt it!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you reckon who ever invented the saying " banging your head against a brick wall" was married to one?????????



Posts: 676 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: UK
healingheart
♀ Member
Member # 16477
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And Meg I know how confusing those comments are when they just come out of the blue occasionally and arent the usual ones ( read your other thread) they make you wonder whats really going on in their heads dont they!!!!!



Posts: 676 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: UK
megmegryry
♀ Member
Member # 10740
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a WTF moment for me that was the first compliment after nearly 7 years together !

I use stupid mataphors all the time to sum it up:
Imagine a dog and the owner makes it sleep outside every night no matter what. Then one night it's very cold the dog goes to sleep shivering. Then the owner opens the door and calls the dog in, the dog is hesitant to go in because he has never been allowed to sleep inside before. Then the dog get's confused the owner get's mad and slams his tail in the door. That is kinda how I feel.


Posts: 663 | Registered: May 2006
healingheart
♀ Member
Member # 16477
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Meg!!! Re read your post and I see what your saying now. DUH silly me, hey ((hugs)) anyway and I still stand by the "banging your head against a brick wall thing"!!!!!!!!! I guess compliments just hit me as much offstep as they do you and I was wasnt anticipating one in your post!!!!!!!!! hh x



Posts: 676 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: UK
megmegryry
♀ Member
Member # 10740
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Healingheart.

I am now offically the dumb metaphor queen.


Posts: 663 | Registered: May 2006
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