Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!
I feel like a failure but I know that I am not. I know that I will know when enough is enough and I am not there yet. I just need some direction from someone else!
Do you remember what it was like when you first got together? Didn't you think of him as your best friend then or did things gradually change.
If they can change one way they can surely slowly change again.
I once had a guy I work with mention something about living alone and being lonely.
I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying you can live with someone and still be alone or feel lonely.
But that thought just keeps going through my head you know.
I'm not sure if I was 40 with my kids almost grown that I would still be here.
So I'm trying to have my life within this marriage. If he wants to come along with it fine, if not, he can sit back and watch and be miserable.
I know you want to help him, but if he can't or doesn't want to help himself, there is really nothing you can do. Have you tried to plan things for the two of you? My H and I resorted to old board games to FORCE some interaction. And it's not pleasant doing that with him either, but it got him away from the tv and video games.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
If my needs aren't getting met, if he doesn't connect to me emotionally and I'm still lonely WITH him, why am I still there.
I ask myself that too.
Sure, there are financial reasons for why I haven't left.
But I still try to engage him emotionally and I don't understand why I still do that when it inevitably ends up hurting me.
There seems to be this thread of hope in me that isn't ready to give up yet. It is completely irrational and, sometimes, I wish that hope would just die.
He's leaving for Iraq later this month. He's scheduled to be there for a year. That hopeful part of me hopes he'll have some sort of epiphany while he's over there, something like he'll miss me so much he'll finally feel like opening up to me. Maybe he'll come to appreciate my company in the lack of it.
But I'm not holding my breath.
If my needs aren't getting met, if he doesn't connect to me emotionally and I'm still lonely WITH him, why am I still there
I guess in this I figure his A has already done so much damage, why let it finish what it started. I cling to what we were and to what I wish my family still was. His A has harmed all his relationships, with me and with his sons although our sons were never told directly.
There wont be another A,I will leave first to find someone else.
He's wonderful with our daughter, she's Daddy's Girl. He's also amazing with our niece, she absolutely adores him.
He does not have the same type of relationship with our son. DS has a learning disability and emotional issues and my H struggles with trying to relate to him. But he does try, he makes the effort and when our son has issues at school my H is always there trying to get them to do what they're supposed to do.
He is always willing to lend a hand if someone needs help. He's kind to animals and spoils our pets rotten.
He's not a monster. He is just completely unwilling and/or unable to meet my emotional needs and when I press the issue he becomes angry and mean. He lashes out when I ask for comfort and reassurance. So, I'm left feeling unheard, frustrated, hurt and lonely.
After 16 years of this, you'd think hope would have died by now or I'd have found some way to just accept that this is who he is. I don't understand why I keep doing the same thing hoping I will get a different result. (Yes, I know that is the definition of insanity.)
Sometimes it is impossible to make any sense of this.
Your sitch does sound so extreme. I mean its like he's just completely shut out from the world. Is he social in other areas? Like with his buddies, fellow co-workers?
I can relate to much of what you have said though.
In my case, FWH really is trying to do the right things, but I gotta say, old habits die hard that's for sure.
The issues that keep cropping up now are relationship issues, no longer A issues....which is a bit of a change, I suppose.
But still, its his *way* of dealing with it that is so EU...that's my biggest issue.
For example, eating together as a family has always been important to me...he KNOWS that...really, I mean he *knows* that....but we have never eaten together at supper as a family for 7 years since our oldest was born b/c he couldn't commit to being home on time for supper. This went back and forth about time managment, me not feeling important to him, me not being a priority, to him realizing we couldn't feed the baby that late blah blah blah.
So we adjusted.
Since we're now looking at him moving back in after a 9 month separation, family dinners are just that more important.
Ya know what he said? "I can commit to 5:15, does that work for you?" Btw, he's a business man with a business degree. Uhhhh, let me check with my people and I'll get back to you on that. WTF? For him, he thought he was doing good right? I get the end result after all right? But for me, *never*, and I mean never has he ever said "I want us to eat supper as a family...I miss that. How we can do this? What would work?" OMG, I would fall on my knees if he ever said something remotely similar.
So as far as change, I don't see the old patterns changing yet.
I brought up 3 issues the other night.....by the time I had gotten up in the morning, all 3 issues had been "taken" care of. I should be happy right? NO, its b/c he's a robot and just does exactly what I say....never a discussion, opinion or anything. This kind of EU is what leads to his PA behavior and eventually to an A again down the road. He really doesn't understand and I just can't seem to get him there.
I don't want a robot, I don't want to be the one making all the decisions. I want someone on my level of intellect. I want a partner.
So, my game plan, thus far, is we are in R, but the quality of that R is up to him in terms of intimacy and being emotionally available.
Right now, I'm the one who is EU and I plan to keep it that way. We are not physically intimate and we live like roomates. I've told him that I will do this for another 13 years (our youngest will then be 17) and I'm outta here!!
I guess, its his job to change how I feel about him. I'm not above doing any work, but I need to see some change first in him that he truly understands how his EU/PA and people pleasing behavior affectas me and him and ultimately us as a couple.
sorry to vent but I just felt the need to write this down for myself as a future reference, kinda like a journal. I've stayed away from this thread over the holidays cause sometimes its just too hard because it all hits home so hard.
Fully reconciled. Life is really good!!
Just wanted you all to know that women can be like that as well. My ex-was very removed emotionally. Everything that people are describing here (mainly about men) could be said about her. What causes this behavior in people, and what can they do about it?
I wish I knew, I am so very sick of having no one to turn to for emotional support, to hold me or to even feel like someone just gives a sh**