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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I knew, I am so very sick of having no one to turn to for emotional support, to hold me or to even feel like someone just gives a sh**


I'm sure loads of people "give a shit" about you. I'm sure your H cares too. His brokeness won't let him give you the reaction you need to see.

That was an eyeopening moment for me... knowing I'd have to share with someone other than him.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only people he really relates to are his Navy people.
I dont beelieve he talks about home life but just navy stuff.
That seems to be his escape place.
But even at work he is having trouble.They are giving him crap.He wants to be Mr.Do Every Thing the Right Way and by the Book and most of them are brown nosers and do what isnt ok.
As far as life with us goes I havent come right out and said I am leaving when the youngest is old enough but that thought is in My Head most of the time.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
napewastewin
♀ Member
Member # 15297
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, January 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I am the BW and I am the one who is now emotionally unavailable. I am tired and drained from trying to get remorse and acknowledgement"
thank you- blis-NOT

"his lack of enthusiasm for gifts, plans, events etc. He used work to avoid being with the family. Many of our fights were about me wanting him to just be "there" more for me and the family. I always felt second or worse...I didn't feel like I was a priority...almost like "he's just not that into you" kinda thing."
thank you- survivingslowly

"Do you all find that you're not getting remorse 100% of the time, rather defensiveness or anger from your spouse who's emotionally unavailable?? "
(let me think, oh, hell yes)
thank-you hellonearth

"It is so annoying when he says I don't believe in counselors"
thank -you naivegirl

HurtingInDenver- being emotionaly unavailable is not gender specific it is more and emotional constipation. (((Hurtingindenver)))

" Beuhler? Beuhler? "
Runoverbytruck, I think it's his day off.

"Geez. Buy a clue." uhh, maybe like my H he is waiting for a sale.
Thank you tlsmi

"All in all, it's a pretty lonely place to be in."
((((disrespected))))

"gibbonsrose" when it comes to the letter writing I think our WH's are clones.

ADelight, imagoodperson, lostinsause, healigheart, BrassRing, I_am, bobsgrl, weepy, tater, burnt_toast,
pioneerspirit, sunlil, SAMEWOMAN, skye, ithastogive,
forgivenotforget, HurtinMan, howdigethere, frogger, lostheart, 14thebooks, megmegryry, confusedbythis, unicornsearcher, puddles, sandpaper, usedup, jitterbugrag, lostheart, willrecoverwtime, chelle1966316, fadedrainbow, oneflesh, shattered, capri, Heartgotbroke, and if I missed your name, I am mud, and very sorry. I am late at arriving but I guess this is where I belong. I will in time fihish reading all of this thread but as I am at the mercy of my grandaughter it will come in spurts.

[This message edited by napewastewin at 7:19 AM, January 6th (Sunday)]


take your candle and go light your world

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Michigan
napewastewin
♀ Member
Member # 15297
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was an eyeopening moment for me... knowing I'd have to share with someone other than him.

You probably know more of the story that brought me to this site. To top it off I as a Christian am mindful that I must trust God in the issues of my life. I should be stronger then this. But it has been kicking my butt.


take your candle and go light your world

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Michigan
napewastewin
♀ Member
Member # 15297
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sick of being alone,even though I am married.

thank you-chelle1966316


take your candle and go light your world

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Michigan
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to give ((((HUGS)))) to all of you here dealing with PA and EU spouses. This is so frustrating but I am glad we all have each other


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to tell you all that my H and I got into it yesterday. I was feeling blue, disappointed in something NOT INFIDELITY RELATED and H jumped down my throat for it. Yelling, the "you're so emotional about everything" crap. He actually told me that I was goign to tell the MC how unappreciative he was again because there was something wrong with a gift I gave him. None of this was in my mind at all. He was completely out of control raging.

Normally I would have stomped off, given up, not yelled back because the kids were around, but this I couldn't stand, he was angry about something that "might" happen in the future. Some secenario he made up in his mind no less. So I yelled back. Told him I hated him cutting me off in conversation, making assumptions, putting words and actions in my head and mouth that were complete delusions. We were fighting about the same thing, we were on the same side, why did it make him so angry when I was emotional? That I'd be damned if I was going to act happy if I was sad, or pretend NOT to be mad.

I was tired of hiding my feelings out of respect for his inability to deal with them. I asked him why my saddness or upset scared him.

Get this -- he started to cry. I looked at him in wonder. Told him we were a team, we were going to fight, to not be scared, I wasn't leaving him, we were only fighting. By this time I was crying too and he held me and kissed me, hard.

It was so odd to see him breakdown and for me to finally figure out that he was afraid I was going to leave him, still. So he gets angry as a defense mechanism to his fear.

I'm going to start asking him what he's afraid of every time he gets angry now.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, I hope you will share with us your husband's responses. My husband's therapist has been trying for years to discover what husband is afraid of. The therapist believes all the lack of emotions are due to fright.

I haven't a clue what my husband might be afraid of, but I do believe fear is the reason for the lack of emotions.


Posts: 5586 | Registered: Jul 2002
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Weepy, that's BIG. What a breakthrough!


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - I think that is a good plan - asking him everytime you see anger what he is afraid of. As long as he can be honest with you and say what is on his mind and not turn it back around onto you.

I think with personalities like this, they need to be aware at the moment so they don't have to try to think back to the incident because then you know what there response usually is 'i don't know, I can't remember!'

Sounds like a good plan - wishing you the best


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
hellonearth
♀ Member
Member # 11919
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

**also posted on R board**

I can't change him and now........

my actions have proved that. I always KNEW that, and in fact prior to his A's, I NEVER had any desire whatsover to even try to change him. After his A's, I won't accept the same PA and EU behaviours from him and haven't consistently gotten what I need from him to feel safe with him. He usually behaves in a way with his old behaviour which triggers me about once a week....it's been nearly 1 1/2 yrs of this. I am on pills because I'm literally sick to my stomach from all the emotional stress, he's been defensive, angry when I display hurt or anger myself, it's been a vicious cycle and needs to change. Back in Sep/Oct I told him that if I didn't see the consistency in behaviour change from him by Dec 31st, I want to try seperation, well, he left last night at my request. It's time for him to do some work on his own, dig to find out how he ignores that "little voice" in his head telling him "this is wrong, hellonearth wouldn't like this" and still DOES it anyways.....acting SINGLE. Acting on the "me", not the "we".....I won't settle and allow him to make me feel unimportant any longer. He's always been rebellious, even as a kid, difference now is.......I no longer will be his unconditionally loving parent. The way I explained to him WHY I need the behaviours changed was this:
Suppose that we have been dating for 10 yrs, that I have always been "harmlessly flirtatious"(trust me, I KNOW that doesn't exist!!)and that you accepted that as part of my personality, that you still assumed that I would ALWAYS be faithful, you trusted me 150%. Now....suppose I shatter that trust, I have an affair......you agree to try to R after my affair, are you STILL going to tolerate flirtatious behaviours from me???"

He "gets it", and everytime after an argument, he "gets it", but it's always AFTER the fact, AFTER the behaviour is displayed. That's NOT change, that's continuing the same behaviour and then saying "sorry" again and again and again.

I don't know what else to do, but knew that I drew a line in the sand and wouldn't respect myself if I didn't follow through this time (we've talked seperation at least 1/2 dozen times already). I do hope that we can still R, we will continue MC etc.

Any advice from anyone????? Insight??

Feeling lonely already, and it's only been one day, I've NEVER been "alone" before, but when I logically look at the situation, I ask myself this: Would I rather feel lonely or full of anger/rage/sick to my stomach? Then........it's a no brainer.

Me BS -34
Him WS -32
1 son, 4 yrs old
Together almost 19 years, married for 7 yrs
Seperated, but still trying to R.........I KNOW they say it's harder when you're apart, but I feel it necessary when there's not been enough change being together.........


BS-Me-39 FWH-Him-38
Together 23 yrs. 1 son 9 yrs old
Dday#1-Aug 06
TT until Nov 06
False R until Jan 08-too much anger/defensiveness, lack of consistent support from him
S- Jan 08-July 08
Aug 08-Fall 2011-rugsweeping
back in MC and IC trying

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, January 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hellonearth, I totally understand. I was always aware my husband was emotionally challenged. I've known him since he was a teenager and he is now 60. It was always okay because I believed he loved me and did the best he could.

For he and I to have a decent relationship, he has to show me he has changed from the man who cheated. He can't/won't whatever do that and that is not acceptable to me.

I think in order to reconcile you have to see more than their not cheating. I believe their being emotionally unavailable allowed the affair. If that doesn't change, how can we ever be sure they have changed.


Posts: 5586 | Registered: Jul 2002
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in R also -

Well, we finally got to see our MC yesterday. We haven't been there since April 2007.

I'm still not sure I feel great about the appointment. FWH wanted to discuss my anger and I wanted to discuss his passive agressiveness.

He started with my anger issues and that is about all we talked about. She gave us some good advice on communicating but I said that I don't have a lot of faith in the fact that he will be totally honest about his feelings. He has hidden his emotions for so long.

We are trying to focus on us instead of the A. He mentioned me bringing up the A (which is not really that often anymore, I did ask a few 'last' questions the other day) and the MC asked me why I was opening up old wounds. I was kind of put off by that because if I don't have all the answers / puzzle pieces than I have to ask FWH for them. He spent almost 2 years with OW so I don't think it is too much to ask to give me that much time to heal from the devastion.

We did not really even get to talk about what I wanted to talk about so I am going to journal everyday until we go back. That way I can remember conversations, issues, attitudes etc... everday instead of trying to remember back 3 weeks.

I did tell her that I am still insecure because my FWH is still a flirty, touchy, feely person and I am not comfortable with it. She said 'FWH, was she like that before? He said 'no, I wasn't. If you know that it makes her feel bad, why do you keep doing it?' His response was that he doesn't realize that he is flirting or that that is how it is coming across Women know when someone is being flirtatious.

Anyway, it was ok. That hour seems to go by so fast. I never get to say all that I want to say. Hopefully in three weeks, we will get to discuss his PA personality so that maybe I won't be so frustrated with the daily stuff.

FWH truly has been a good listener and has really stepped up as far as talking about his feelings. We have had a great week or so!


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 1:46 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think in order to reconcile you have to see more than their not cheating.

Absolutely true.

I believe their being emotionally unavailable allowed the affair. If that doesn't change, how can we ever be sure they have changed.

I'm not sure that is absolutely true, that the EU part "allowed" the affair. I think it makes it easier for an EU to hide behind the infidelity, because they know how to compartmentalize so well but that a lot of cheaters learn VERY quickly once the betrayal path is chosen.

I do think that an EU WS has to be seen as making a consistent honest effort to be emotionally available, but that doesn't mean that they will ever be automatically not EU depending on how long that pattern has been in place & what caused it to begin with, requiring a lot of teamwork to correct, which is quite a challenge for them & unfortunately a BS is not going to be as nurturing about it as they could have been before the betrayal(s) took place.

It's not the EU alone that caused the betrayal(s) tho, it was a combination of things that fell into place at that point in time, mentally & external circumstances. Some may be present again, some not. Some will learn from DDay, some won't that cheating isn't remotely the right thing to do & the very high price it costs, especially to the BS, without that then I think the odds are much better it will happen again. It's just with an EU it's very often hard to properly gauge if they "get" even that part...


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just with an EU it's very often hard to properly gauge if they "get" even that part...

That's is a big part of it. Perhaps being emotionally retarded is different than being emotionally unavailable. I'm not sure.

For my husband to not have had an affair he would have had to tell me he had an emotional issue. No. one he doesn't know what an emotional issue is and No. two, he can't initiate a conversation that has to do with emotions. Perhaps, if I were to ask him a question that requires an answer that has to do with emotions, I could get an answer after lots of probing. I'm not willing to do that now.

I'm not saying an emotionally unavailable person will have serial affairs, but I am saying if there isn't a change, the odds are pretty well in their favor that they are going to fail in some form in the future. That is why I say once a cheater, always a cheater. Even if they are not involved in an act of infidelity. I believe the flaw that caused the infidelity is what makes them a cheater. Don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but me.

Perhaps a better way of putting is is comparing the cheater to an alcoholic that has stopped drinking. We all know what a dry drunk is. I believe my husband is a dry cheater, though he may be a wet one--I'll never know, will I?


Posts: 5586 | Registered: Jul 2002
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 2:55 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps a better way of putting is is comparing the cheater to an alcoholic that has stopped drinking. We all know what a dry drunk is. I believe my husband is a dry cheater, though he may be a wet one--I'll never know, will I?

Well, that I can certainly understand cuz that's how I think mine is. And with him working 3k miles away, his being a "wet" cheater is much easier to accomplish, just like he did before. Time will tell I guess, if I'm even around to know or have it matter at all.

There are a lot of significant changes that have to take place for a
"successful reconciliation" to take place in any relationship. Having an EU partner makes it that much more of a challenge cuz you have to deal with a preschool mentality as far as the emotional issues goes when they need a PhD to make it an easier process for the BS & much less damaging to both, sigh...


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
hellonearth
♀ Member
Member # 11919
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As Skye said:

"For my husband to not have had an affair he would have had to tell me he had an emotional issue. No. one he doesn't know what an emotional issue is and No. two, he can't initiate a conversation that has to do with emotions. Perhaps, if I were to ask him a question that requires an answer that has to do with emotions, I could get an answer after lots of probing. I'm not willing to do that now."

OMG, I totally could have written the above Skye about my WH. Word for word. His EU (or retardness--LOL) is accompanied by PA tendencies (like I said in my earlier post) ignoring that little voice in his head which says "no, this is wrong". This deadly combination SCARES the crap out of me and I hope to God he can make changes to these behaviours........sadly I'm not so optimistic right now.


BS-Me-39 FWH-Him-38
Together 23 yrs. 1 son 9 yrs old
Dday#1-Aug 06
TT until Nov 06
False R until Jan 08-too much anger/defensiveness, lack of consistent support from him
S- Jan 08-July 08
Aug 08-Fall 2011-rugsweeping
back in MC and IC trying

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skye,
That is why I say once a cheater, always a cheater. Even if they are not involved in an act of infidelity. I believe the flaw that caused the infidelity is what makes them a cheater.

Yes, I think of it like alcoholism too. My H will always be a "recovering adulterer". given the right set of circumstances, including internal issues, I believe he could cheat again.

The object is to watch and see if they control those circumstances and issues. My H would never have thought twice about giving a woman he hardly knew a ride home from work, or checking out a leak in her bedroom or even inviting a single neighbor in the house if I wasn't home. He saw no problem with those behaviors.... as long as he wasn't actually having sex with them. Now he sees those cirucmstances differently. He even asked me to change our MC appt so he could see his IC after a particularly emotional fight last weekend. I see that as taking care of his emotional issues.

I don't think I'll ever be reassured 100% that it could never happen again. But I could be far more "comfortable" in the M if I knew he could communicate in emotional terms... tell me what scares him, makes him angry, how he feels about something without being prompted to do so.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, January 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, I think your husband is starting to change himself. It must be wonderful to see.

My husband never did a thing that crossed a boundary, which I attributed to his emotional retardation. He just made a decision to destroy me, and he went out and did it.

I think he is way too emotionally sick to even take a baby step. At least I had a good life for many yeears. He had to and still has to live with himself.


Posts: 5586 | Registered: Jul 2002
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This morning he was home and touched me just a little while still inbed.Of course it didnt go any further and I lost it and just went on the couch.
This lack of anything has gotten me down,along with the stupid winter.I think I have SAD as well.
He had to go to Reserves today for the weekend and I sent him an email since speaking is not done around here.
Of course unless he is drunk,fuck that.
I told him I was unhappy and cant live like this.I need something,that hes spending too much time on the computer and drinks too much again.
I said it in a gentle way,you know explaining his stresses of life he is going through.
What kind of response do you think I will get?
I say nothing!But I said it.
Hell he probably doesnt even read the whole thing anyway.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
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