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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will keep you posted on our progress. I am so hoping that I am not let down once again. I will not be his door mat or punching bag any longer and I told him that. SO, we'll see how serious he takes me!

I am really anxious to see how his IC appt. goes on Tues.


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
arete07
♀ New Member
Member # 18322
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 1st post ever, but think I've found a common thread to my situation. Not ready to say much yet I guess I'm still in shock.. both about his affair but also how quickly he is ready to "move on". Gets mad when he's not comfortable, and thats my fault I've made it too comfortable to R. Question: Does the "180" work for the EU?


Everything that happens to us, is a part of us. It doesn't define us... We decide.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: NC
Gaslighted
♀ New Member
Member # 18359
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I"m here, though not sure we will R.

I still can't get all the info on the A from him.

We are in MC.

It was waking and realizing that something was wrong and finding P/A info that got me going. Then I realized about the affair/hooker/porn. God only knows what else.

As long as I play along, pretend, not ask for empathy, honesty or emotion then we are hunky-dory. It is scary. And creepy.

And as passive as he is, after our first MC session, the next night he practically raped me. I'm still in shock. But I have to play nice so as not to move him from P/A to just plain old aggression.

Funny, during our MC he was MR. AGGRESSIVE! Then afterwards, it was like "hey, do you want to go to lunch? Umm, I don't know, do you? Where? I don't know? blahblahblah"... back to mr. P/A. Till later...

what freaks me out is his "punishing" me if I try to call him on lying, bullshit, manipulating behavior - then I pay for it. And it is only getting scarrier. It's like he is two different people.

I tried to talk to him about the...well, I'll call it the botched "sex" we had...all he could say was "yeah, I was out of control!" no empahty, no nothing. And yes, I'm a rape survivor from when I was 20 so this has devestated me.

I'm crushed and my self esteem is quickly going down the tubes.

Thank you God I'm not drinking. Just eating too much.

I'm sorry to go on and on, I can't seem to make sense of it all.

I have my IC with our MC next Wed.

thanks for listening


ME: BS 37
DH: WS 33
investigative stage...getting confirmation of PA with coworker. Known EA.
MC: 02/23/08

Posts: 44 | Registered: Feb 2008
sick of crying
♀ New Member
Member # 18363
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hellonearth
my H sounds just like yours. to a t.
I was thinking acting that way ment he was still at it??
could anyone help me out here?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Toronto
beachjack
♀ New Member
Member # 16892
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gaslighting, can you get in to see your IC earlier? I think you need to do so. Aggressive sex is so NOT what you need right now.

If you think you need to leave for your own safety, by all means DO IT.


Me/BS: 46
Him: WH: 46 (2 affairs; 1995 and a 2-year affair from 2005 until I found out 7/07)
Married: 24 years
Together: 27 years
D-Day: 7/24/07
Trying to decide whether I want to live with someone who is capable of hurting me so deeply.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Dallas, Texas
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As long as I play along, pretend, not ask for empathy, honesty or emotion then we are hunky-dory. It is scary. And creepy.


This with the uncontrolled sex rage, yeah, I'd get you into IC asap, if not a protection program.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Gaslighted
♀ New Member
Member # 18359
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy and beachjack - thank you. Just a huge thank you for first of all, believing me, and 2nd of all for letting me trust my instincts.

My DH is the proverbial "nice guy" but I think he is close to cracking.

I am playing along as best I can. Offering a squabble or two a day just to give him something to bounce off of - something so he can think I'm critical and bitchy and unreasonable.

I'll be careful. I'll disclose everything at IC next week. Hope that our MC can bring things to light. I just don't think I can do this forever.

I can't even think about our babies...it turns my brain inside out.

I'm going to offer in our MC that he can publicly blame me for the rest of our lives, just please God, let us out of this without any more mind games, violence or aggression.

thanks again for just flat out believing me.


ME: BS 37
DH: WS 33
investigative stage...getting confirmation of PA with coworker. Known EA.
MC: 02/23/08

Posts: 44 | Registered: Feb 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am playing along as best I can. Offering a squabble or two a day just to give him something to bounce off of - something so he can think I'm critical and bitchy and unreasonable.

I don't understand this, why don't you just NOT play the game. I know it frustrates them, but if you don't play, they can't either.

I'm going to offer in our MC that he can publicly blame me for the rest of our lives, just please God, let us out of this without any more mind games, violence or aggression.

Blame you for what???? Remember your screen name... that's what's happening to you again.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Gaslighted
♀ New Member
Member # 18359
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I don't play along then I get PUNISHED...that rocks the boat you see, and that is just what a P/A does NOT want.

So I play along. And really, I get pissed enough at him it's not hard to get a little frustrated.

I can't figure out how to quote yet..

But he can blame me for the divorce. We have small children, our families are VERY involved... He can blame me, it's my fault, whatever, just get me out of here.


ME: BS 37
DH: WS 33
investigative stage...getting confirmation of PA with coworker. Known EA.
MC: 02/23/08

Posts: 44 | Registered: Feb 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK. I played for a long time too. It was easier than rocking the boat as you say. I stopped asking questions of him like 2 mo after Dday because it made him uncomfortable and then he'd get angry and I'd be put on the defensive (verbally). Everything that was going on was my fault...he could do nothing right (according to him). I played the "I'll play nice if you would only love me" game.

You know where I am now? And it took 2+ years to get here.... I'm at the F you buddy, if you don't like me, get out. But you're going the way you came in...

Start with your families... get them out of it. If they ask questions, tell them it's a personal matter and you're handling it. The more "hands" in the soup, the more unbalanced he's going to be.

And yes, you would have to take some "punishment". I did, but now, if I get a passing "you didn't do this" now, that's about it. I can say what I want, when I want and if he gets angry, I wait him out.

My H is P/A, EU, his self esteem is in the toilet, he's defensive and yet arrogant and sarcastic. Hey, if he's happy that way, fine with me.. but we DON'T HAVE to play.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in General but thought maybe some of you have experienced this as well.

My FWH went to see IC yesterday for the first time since January. He only had 2 sessions with her back then and then we started MC. Well, he has been struggling lately with his feelings. Actually he has always struggled with his feelings, he is just now realizing that he needs help.
Anyway, IC asks him a bunch of questions and told FWH that she would like him to see the actual Psychiatrist to get some meds. That she thinks he has adult ADD.

My H is actually excited to finally get some answers as to why all he feels is happy and mad. He has definately had anger issues in the past. If he isn't happy, he is mad! IF he gets upset about something, it turns to anger. If he is sad about something, it turns to anger. If he is bored, he gets mad.

I am just curious as to whether anyone else has dealt with this. He is definately Passive aggressive. The manipulations, mind games have always been an issue. I just never even thought that he could have adult ADD.

He goes in on Friday to see the Psych and get possible diagnosis and meds.

He is willing at this point to do what ever he can to help himself so that he can be the man he wants to be for me and the kids.

Oh, one thing that he said to the IC that absolutely floored me was -She asked him when the last time he was really Happy and his answer was when we took our kids to Gulf Shores Alabama last year for Spring Break. That was almost a year ago! I know that he has had happy moments since then but he said that his happy momemts don't last long enough for him to remember them, he just usually feels numb

I am so sad for him. I know, he is the WS, the one that ripped my heart out but I am a very caring person and it breaks my heart to see him so confused.

I told him that I would put my issues on the back burner for now so that he can concentrate on getting himself better.

Anyone know anything about adult ADD mixed with passive aggressiveness??

[This message edited by WillRecoverWTime at 9:16 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know a number of adults who have gone on medication for ADD. It has worked wonders. I am not aware, though, that they were EU.

I guess he hasn't started coming to you to talk yet? I see you are putting your issues on the backburner which says, to me, you are the one that has to make his recovery work. Personally, that wouldn't work for me. That is what our marriage was. I took care of it all. If my husband isn't capable of taking care of himself by himself, I see us right back where we were--he chooses to behave inappropriately when he can't cope.


Posts: 5584 | Registered: Jul 2002
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess he hasn't started coming to you to talk yet?

Skye - actually he has talked to me more in the last week about issues, feelings, emotions etc... than he probably ever has.

We talked for 2 hours on Monday. He was very open and actually acknowledged 'feelings' and then he asked me to go to lunch with him yesterday before his IC and we talked there too.

I told him before he went to IC that this was his deal and if he wanted to discuss their session with me than I would be more than happy to listen. If he didn't want to discuss it with me than that was fine too. As soon as he came out (I dropped him off and picked him up) he couldn't stop talking. He told me so much that I felt like I was in their with them. I told him that he had no idea how happy it made me to see him take this first step on his own and to actually be excited about getting help!

Also, last night when we went to bed he was very irritable and he said 'I don't know what my problem is but I am very agitated.' Typically, he would turn his agitation into anger and pick a fight with me like 'why is the tv so loud or something stupid like that but he didn't. He just kept saying that he couldn't figure out why he felt like that. I was happy to see that he recognized an emotion.

I see you are putting your issues on the backburner which says, to me, you are the one that has to make his recovery work. Personally, that wouldn't work for me.

Absolutely not! I told him on Monday that I was setting a time limit and if he doesn't have his shit together then I was done! I will not live like this any longer.

I am willing to put my shit on the back burner because if he is finally willing to get help and make some changes, then I want to support him. I can't support him and beat him down at the same time. The way I see it is if he is willing to really address his lifelong issues with IC and meds then it could make huge, positive changes in the dynamics of our marriage and we can be where we both want to be with each other.

I don't think tough love is the right approach with someone that is numb most of the time. He takes that as rejection and I already know where that gets us!

I am not and will not make his appointments for him. I will not go with him to the psych on Friday. I will not get any meds for him. I will not remind him to take meds. If he is going to do this, HE needs to do it. Not me!

I feel like he is starting at square one. I can't bail out on him now. I will support him but I will not enable him.

We have so much on our plate right now that I feel like my head is spinning. It may be a nice break to just deal with this right now. The affair IS what it IS, I can't change it, I can't make it go away, I can't ignore it BUT I feel like if he is making efforts then so can I.

Remember - EU/PA people are very selfish and I don't see these efforts by him as being selfish.


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
Shotthrutheheart
♀ Member
Member # 17312
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over the last month, I have been trying to R with WH and couldn't figure out what his problem was. After going on the Internet to find out what the definition of "Emotionally Unavailable" was, I realized that is what he is. My question is, how can one R with a WS who is Emotionally Unavailable?

[This message edited by Shotthrutheheart at 4:29 AM, March 11th (Tuesday)]


Me BS: 42
Him WH: 37 (two ONS with same woman)
D-Day: 11/29/07
Married 8 years (second for both) together 9.
1 daughter 5 yrs old
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
http://shotthrutheheart.wordpress.com

Posts: 245 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: overseas
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shot, as you can see there are pages and pages of us trying to figure that out.

I deal with it by shutting down myself. I just don't allow myself to feel, that way he HAS to.

Something comes up that is an emotionally charged issue, I just don't react. If he wants to get mad, fine, I'm not carrying his rage. Right now I'm not going to dictate his sex life. If he wants it, he's actually going to have to ask for it.

But he's perfectly happy with whatever he's doing and only talking to me about family or work issues. This may be the way he's punishing me.

But he forgets that I went without his touch for close to 10 years, once I get over the jealousy and anger and hurt of him actually pursuing the OW, I can shut down to not needing him quite nicely.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hatinlyfe
♂ Member
Member # 18539
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is a good thread also. i found that we were on very opposite ends of the emotional spectrum and hopefully some of this advice can help me find a way to get to the middle ground

Posts: 55 | Registered: Mar 2008
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry this is a long rant


I just have a few questions
First - do emotionally unavailable WH - ever really reconcile? I feel like we are living in bizarro land!! One minute I hate his guts and the next minute I desparately want his attention. He just sits there and takes it all in.


I have begged, threatened, screamed and become hysterical. His only response/support is - "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." I do love you. Thats it!! Absolutely NO EMOTION!!!NONE WTF??? Within a few hours - we talk like nothing happened - and all is fine in the world. We run errands together, give each other a hug & a kiss. Yet we sleep in separate bedrooms. And our only conversations are chit chat about the local news, the kids etc.
To me this is truly insane behavior. Our problems are NEVER resolved - just pushed aside like they don't exist!

While I am trying to figure out what "I" want for the rest of my life... I am still trying to be the "good" wife & Mother. I have increased the amount of cooking, cleaning etc. I am trying to look really nice when he gets home. He has not said one freaking word about the changes. Nothing not a freaking thing!!!

The logic for my changes are very simple. A friend told me that the OW - would meet whatever needs he feels are missing in our relationship. My friend told me to think of it as a competition!

I have given him my list of what needs to happen for the marriage to continue. HE has gone to IC 4 times in 2 months.That is it - HE HAS NOT DONE ANYTHING ELSE!!!

What can I do to get myself to the place where I BELIEVE that I am "Good Enough" with or without him. I am doing my best with the 180 -
But this is HELL on earth!!


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
angels
♀ New Member
Member # 18489
Frustrated  Posted: 3:27 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do they ever get better?

Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: sydney
angels
♀ New Member
Member # 18489
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure what is going on in my relationship.He booked a flight to go to Scotland for April.*may be gone for 5 months*
He says he is going to book me a ticket as well but i am not so sure...
We are only dating so maybe this is the time for me to let it all go.
He cheated on me bt truelly showed he was remorseful. The more i read this thread the more i realise that he is a PA type.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: sydney
Shotthrutheheart
♀ Member
Member # 17312
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I deal with it by shutting down myself. I just don't allow myself to feel, that way he HAS to
.

Weepy, is that really a way to live though? If I cannot have a normal relationship then I would rather walk away. How can you go on this way?


Me BS: 42
Him WH: 37 (two ONS with same woman)
D-Day: 11/29/07
Married 8 years (second for both) together 9.
1 daughter 5 yrs old
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
http://shotthrutheheart.wordpress.com

Posts: 245 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: overseas
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