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User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
angels
♀ New Member
Member # 18489
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes my mum is an alcoholic.

My partner was emotionally unavailable.

Now i am trying to break the pattern so that i can choose someone who is not emotionally unavailable next time.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: sydney
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hellonearth,

Wow - I could have written that We are just begining to scratch the surface of the A.

He has given me trickle truth - basically a 1st name, and the type of work the OW does. That is it. Nothing more. In almost 3 months time - he has gone to IC 2x. He cancelled 2x and the Dr cancelled 2x. When I asked if he was going this week - he became livid. I am trying desperately to figure out if I even want to stay married. I love the guy but shit I didn't sign up for any of this. I have demanded NC - but I'm pretty sure he is still at a minimum talking to her - but I can't "PROVE" it. All that has changed is I think they have gone "underground". He is home more - but that really doesn't prove anything. FUCKTARD just wants to pretend none of it happened. And he is doing NOTHING to help me "get over it". I feel like I'm going insane.


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edited because it didn't really belong here.

[This message edited by sunlil at 8:54 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
aksdove74
♀ Member
Member # 18925
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by aksdove74 at 8:02 PM, July 14th (Monday)]


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and the moon blocked out the sun and the stars fell from the sky, when I found out love was just a lie.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Suxville
tlsmi
♀ Member
Member # 6558
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((aksdove))))

I have never responded in this thread but for some reason today I opened it.

Your post really touched me and by the number of people here in this forum, I am assuming you are not alone.

I have no wisdom for you.
Today I feel lonely too and just wanted to say I hear you and understand and can relate.

Huge ****hugs****


Posts: 2135 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: AZ
spock15
♂ Member
Member # 18532
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife is so emotionally unavailable that I'm not sure it is worth continuing to try Reconciling. She is still mourning the loss of the OM. Loves me but not in love with me. Found yesterday she called om last week. Today is the 1 month mark for D-day. In therapy but she is so messed up now with her anorexia that the councilor is having to deal with all of those issues before we can deal with the Affair. Some days I wonder if it is even worth trying to work it out.


bs me 40
ww her 38
2 great kids 13 and 9
married 18 years, but have known each other for 30+years. Status-Trying to Reconcile.
status???? Still working on it.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: New Mexico
lmwk123
♀ Member
Member # 15229
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found this site.. My H has never been one to really talk.. Actually as I'm typing this I now don't agree with that statement. Our 1st date was a 7 hr conversation in the park. Anyway, because he's so emotionally unavailable I believe our M isn't going to make it. I've tried everything possible to get him to communicate more about the A because it's something I need but he refuses. I even put the questions in a tin can and gave him plently of time to review these and answer when he was ready. He won't, said he already answered in MC and doesn't need to address them again. I don't feel like they were answered in MC because MC always wanted to talk about other issues in the M. Some were but I still need to talk about it. OW is a neighbor and I thought was my friend also. Due to the fact that I cannot emotionally attach to him our sex life has went from being OK to basically nothing. When it does happen it's only a few minutes and not satisfying to me at all. I now have no desire at all for sex. I've told me what I need to emotionally connect to him but it doesn't seem to do any good. He hasn't tried to talk to me. Day by day I see the relationship ending on my part.


A- 11/06-5/07
I believe more A's throughout
3 kids
together 16 yrs

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
Life is a test.


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to say, I can't even remember if I've posted in this thread or not. I've long thought this is yet another place I belong.

I don't think I'll ever be able to read all these posts, but every one I read sounds just like fwh. He shows no emotion except anger. He is showering me with STUFF and doing all kinds of nice things for me, he says to show me he's sorry and loves me, but it feels like empty gestures, because at the same time, he just sort of shrugs about a THIRTEEN YEAR secret relationship, and acts like he can't understand why I'd be upset. Like many others, I have finally lost all desire for sex with him.

I hardly asked for anything, loving e-mails, the truth, doing Retrouvaille dialogues, and finally, when he did none of that, for him to read ONE book, just one. He hasn't so much as cracked it open.

I have finally quit sleeping with him, for nearly 4 months now, and he doesn't care enough to do anything about it.

He has spent years discussing me, our relationship, and even our sex life, with almost half a dozen other women, but he won't have a personal conversation with me to save his life. I could have deeper and more personal conversations with someone in a checkout lane.

So I'm curious, if this is what it's like, no emotion but anger, total lack of empathy, refusal to do even the smallest things to help the marriage along, how many of you still love your EU spouse, and why?

Apart from finances, what is the point to reconciling with the EU? Can it ever be a satisfying relationship? Is true R even possible with someone who's empty inside, or are we really just aiming for living peaceably with them and being content with our own lives?


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I have another question that I desperately hope someone can answer. It seems all these 'emotionally unavailable' people are quite emotionally available to their OPs.

Mine did say to me something to the effect of, it didn't matter if they didn't like what he said or how he felt, which is why he opened up to them. Well... yeah, I get it... but I can't live with it. It's like he put me on a pedestal himself and then blamed me that I was up there and threw rocks at me to knock me down, when I never wanted to be there in the first place.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
lmwk123
♀ Member
Member # 15229
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's nice to know my H isn't the only one who refuses to read anything I give him to try and help me. For me I don't think I am in love with him anymore. We've had other problems prior to this last A and for me I think it's like that saying goes " Too little too late" I've tried I really have and in a way he's tried too. I have to give him credit for going to MC. Never thought he would but the lack of communication is just too much for me to handle anymore. I conceived during the A so I have a small baby with him. We also have 2 older boys 13 and 11. I really hate to stay because of the kids but that's probably what I'll do. I doubt he'll move out either but alot of times even before this last A I prayed he would leave me.


A- 11/06-5/07
I believe more A's throughout
3 kids
together 16 yrs

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
Life is a test.


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2007
lmwk123
♀ Member
Member # 15229
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read your last post.. I never really thought about that. I guess he was more emotionally available to her. She would be at my house talking to him and I do remember now thinking "I wish he'd talk to me like he does her"


A- 11/06-5/07
I believe more A's throughout
3 kids
together 16 yrs

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
Life is a test.


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2007
heartbroken30
♀ Member
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found this trhread and I think I belong here.

I used to tell my WH that he only has one emotion, anger. He has never been the feeling type of guy, never has really connected or seemed to want to be in the family with me and the kids. My friends often comment that I am like a single mom

I found out about A about 7 weeks ago, 4month A with coworker. I found a very "feely" email from him to her that he sent while we were on vacation. He told her that thinking of her was getting him through the days - like being in Jamiaca with your wife and 2 kids is such a hardship

Anyway, he has shown very little remorse, is not understanding when I am upset and is very hurtful when he is angry. He usually ends up blaming me for the A.

Our MC says that he thinks my WH doesn't really know what love is. WH had a very difficult childhood.

WH states that he needs to "fix" himself and try to find the love for me again. He does nothing to work on our marriage. I am afraid that my feelings for him are going to die as I feel further and further away from him. He currently is not living with us, but does come over almost every day to see the kids.

I am just so confused. I told him the other day that I didn't think our marriage was going to work and he said please don't give up on me. But I feel he has already given up on me and us.

Do you think therapy can help him?

Sorry, if I am rambling....


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do think that therapy can help him but if he is anything like my H, it will take awhile.

I think everyone that has an EU spouse understands how you feel.

Are you in IC? It can help you alot too! I wouldn't be where I am now without my IC.

((((HUGS))))


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
heartbroken30
♀ Member
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are seeing a couple for marriage counseling and do one on one with the same couple. Do you think I need another counselor as well?

He is also very unavailable to the kids as well. He comes over after work, spends a couple of minutes with them and then goes on the computer or falls asleep.

I believe he has struggled with depression throughout his life but refuses to go on meds.

These days, it's hard to have hope for our future together. It's tough enough for those where both partners are committed.

Thank you for your reply


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
Moving On Up
♂ Member
Member # 18809
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found this thread.I have been with WS for 21 years and during this whole time, I would say she has been emotionally unavailable. The communication level had always been good in some ways,but!! when it came to saying what she wanted, or what annoyed her, it would amlmost always be angry, caustic,sarcastic. I was generally found to be wanting in some area. No matter what it was, no matter how well I might do. So this sort of put me in a 'less than' position. I was more affectionate, she read this as needy.So over time that was the position.
Since the A, (dday 7 weeks ago)she has started IC, and is not keen on MC( maybe cos she lied to the MC and was already in the A when we started MC). So now she has some bit of IC and the language that goes with it."I am not responsible for the way you feel" you know the sort of cop out line. Sure she may not be responsible for the way I handle what she does/has done/,but as sure as hell if I hurt someone, then I am responsible for hurting them.
So we are in a strange place.
She is not fully comitted to R, says is maintaining NC, I get sick of trying to prove otherwise. I have taken a temp refuge, which we can both go to. We date,kinda sorta. I need to do more 180 work. Of course I trigger on all kinds of things, and in some ways she has been supportive.
I cannot claim that I am an innocent in the whole M, I have had an A (EP)6 years ago,ONS and EA. I am truly sorry remorseful and tried to make it up to her. She has not been able to deal with the anger and bitterness and I am not sure how much help I have been.I didn't know about this site years ago and so although we stayed together, it would seem like there was a degree of payback in her 3/4 month EPA with OM. Not sure how to handle it, I know the wisdom on SI is that two wrongs don't make a right, and that A's are wrong period.Can't help feeling I deserved it,but not sure where to go now. I have taken apartment and we see each other regularly, she has key and I don't quite know what to do. Still feel 'less than'. She still bears anger/sometimes rage for my past and so this makes it hard for her to seem like she cares about my hurt/heart/head. Anybody know anything about Love Addiction out there?


The first cut is the deepest.
Me BS 53
She FWS 48
Together 21 years

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: USA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you need to look into the Facing Codependence books, rather than addiction books. About self validating. It's a tough lesson to learn, for sure. I always took the "high" road when it came to speaking to H, he used backhanded compliments and sarcastic remarks, etc too.

."I am not responsible for the way you feel" you know the sort of cop out line.

Pissed me off to no end when my H came home from IC with that ploy. I know now what the C was trying to say, but it was our MC that told him amends must be made. That what the IC was saying that we were responsible for our own actions. They're not responsible for how we REACT to our feelings, only how they react to our reaction.

SO hurt someone, apologize, make amends. Don't cop out, that's not what the IC meant.

If I'm raging at him, he's responsible for whether or not he rages back or takes it. One way is healing and one way is not.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, I am finally making it into this thread. I have dropped in amd lurked seeral times.

Just a question or two. I see and read so much here that is so in my life with W. As with above, her biggest defense on stuff is her not being responsible for my happiness. This fits her and she wears it. She seem to want to realize that her actions do impact others. She can make course callous responses to something, and feel like if you take it wrong, then thats your fault. Lots more there, but I just can't do it right now.

Question, does anyone here also deal with the childhood SAb issue?

I am fighting this battle. I am currently losing because the apathy it creates also creates this idea of not being able to deal with anything, thus just shutting down emotionally and not being available for your partner. (I use partner very losely because I don't feel a partner to much inside).

I have not read the entire thread, I get enlifgtened but it is so draining to me. I feel like I am at the end of the rope, I am grasping in thin air and just want to find some kind of connection with her, emotional connection.

I'll close out, any ideas?

Thanks


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question, does anyone here also deal with the childhood SAb issue?

Unknown, although in MC last session he kind of used it as a reason to hate the Catholic church... when pressed he said he had "a friend" who had been abused.

When I showed surprise, he just blew it off saying it was just something he "heard".

I'm beginning to wonder.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
shayla0224
♀ Member
Member # 12280
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my F and I are trying to R.In this particular incident the EA with the nieghbor he is what i describe as an emotional mute.He says he did nothing wrong they were friends who happened to have an attraction to one another and seeing as thier intention was that it was never going anywhere then it wasnt wrong.In our more recent conversations I have began to realize that he feels as if I have pushed him into the life we have.In the sense that he realized if he wanted a life with me there were things he would have to do even if they were not things he wanted.3yrs ago i came to a point in our relationship that i didnt feel we were on the same page and going in the same direction with life.I decided to take a break to figure out if i could live with going in the direction he was and giving up my own.During this break he reversed directions completely. all of a sudden he had an ephiphany that our relationship was THE most important thing and he could not imagine life without me.All of a sudden he was ready to have a baby.It could not have possibly been an act although i worried he had hasily come to his decisions and waited 6 weeks before ending the break.A month later he asked me to marry him on his own, i never mentioned i wanted to get married.I believed in his ephiphany and lived it.we got pregnant 4 months later and were still living the dream until his PA 18 months ago.It destroyed me.He did everything a ws should do for a yr however it was somewhat less then he did to get me back when he had his ephiphany. then the threesome with the nieghbors there was remorse shown but again it was a bit less then the PA. Now the EA with the same nieghbor and now he is in the words of my therapist minimizing his relationship with her and rationalizing .He does not view it as cheating because there was no sex and there was never an intention to move further then conversations. Anyway in our discussions he said he asked me to marry him because he thought it was something i wanted, he acted in the ways he did after the issues we had because it was how he felt i wanted him to act and that he had our son with me because i had 15 yrs of infertility and 9 m/c he felt i deserved to have a child and he could give me a baby.But he didnt really want to have a baby he did that for me and would have even if our plan was to not stay together.I am left at this point feeling our life was not real.nothing he did was from his heart it was like good deeds or something.I feel like I deserve to be loved the way i love, i deserve someone who knows i am the one, who wants to marry me and grow old to have another child and grandchildren.He said he isnt ready for another child and he knows he loves me but doesnt know about marriage.I feel like I need to possibly give up my dreams for my life to be with a man who hasnt been entirely honest with his heart in the past, has cheated, in a realtionship that emotionally i dont feel safe/secure.I have no commitment we are not even engaged anymore,I have no crystal ball.I just wonder if there is way too much thats happened now.When i read what i wrote it seems clear...how can i give up my dreams for a person who has clearly given me no reason to.I suppose if we had the perfect relationship without everything else and he said i dont know about a second child or marriage i would be able to say but he has been a wonderful fiance and we are happy is a piece of paper worth it? but what incentive has he given me to stay?My love for him is awe inspiring sometimes, how even after all he is done to me the dreams I have for my life still involve him being that man.I guess i have just faced the reality that he isnt and i cant make him that man.Anyone else have any insight, i just feel like the entire path of my life has changed in a day like the floor dropped out from under me.I cant believe all the things he has done were just about me or the way he thought i wanted him to be.... knowing how truly selfish he is and knowing no one can act that long and there was no indication that it was an act in our 4.5 yrs he was the sweet caring loving family man 90% of the time and would revert to the selfish confused side during the above mentioned incidents.Is this still fog?He says he loves me and wants to be with me but cant predict the future.That just doesnt sound safe to me.I feel like he is a mimic he just does what he thinks i want how is that for 4.5 yrs.I also read back in the posts about push/pull and childhood memories.His father is very much contolled by his mom and he is very sensitive in the way i say things to him because of the way his mom talks to his dad which can be truely awful sometimes.I did post his under the R board but i didnt know about this forum and feel like it kinda belongs here.



Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Hell
cjonesjag
♀ Member
Member # 10617
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question, does anyone here also deal with the childhood SAb issue?

I am fighting this battle. I am currently losing because the apathy it creates also creates this idea of not being able to deal with anything, thus just shutting down emotionally and not being available for your partner

hurts...assuming this to be the EU spouses' SAB issues?

If so, then *yes*...I have experience with this.

And it was absolutely DRAINING. My WTFH feels completely *powerless* and unequipped to do anything about anything.


Me (BS):50
Him(WTFH):51 Married: 05/26/2002
DD#1: 09/2005 (EA) DD#2: 09/2006
Mini-DDays: Many. Mostly online
DIVORCED 10/20/10
It's not what you've got, it's what you give.
It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live

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