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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I am not responsible for the way you feel" you know the sort of cop out line.

I've heard this one. I find it particularly amazing, since he has spent our marriage telling me how I'm to blame for everything wrong in his life, his behavior, his feelings, and even his family's behavior. But no matter WHAT he or they do, I'm responsible for my own feelings.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help - is there anybody out there?? I just read my own post from March 25th - on this thread. SHIT nothing has changed!!! Do they (WS) ever change?? No let me correct myself - another month has passed - that is a change

I asked him again - how long am I supposed to wait - he said 6 months - so in 60 days I guess I will file

This sucks!!! It just totally sucks


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
confusedbythis
♀ Member
Member # 15455
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokendreamz, I am here...couple days later but I am here...

And, like you, no further along either. Sorry to not have words of wisdom to give but sometimes it is nice to know someone is here!

Interestingly, my WH just seems to be waiting for me to get over "this" so we can get our life back. Not really working on himself or on repairing our marriage...just waiting and checking in every couple of days to see if I am "better" yet...

((brokendreamz))


BS me
WS older than me
DS- typical teen (from a previous marriage)
DD #1 1995, before we married (how stupid am I...)
DD #2 6.8.07 EA, PA
Divorced June 09...free fron CRAZY-LAND!!! Yahoo!

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: OR
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my WH just seems to be waiting for me to get over "this" so we can get our life back. Not really working on himself or on repairing our marriage

That's my husband's attitude, too.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in General too. I know this is not a very active board but I thought I would put it here too!

I bought a book the other day called The emotionally unavailable man: a blueprint for healing.
It has a side for the men and when flipped over, it is for the women.

This book has brought a lot of clarity to me. I can understand why my H has a hard time with feelings and emotions, with talking, with telling the truth, with vulnerability, with life in general!

Everyone is different. Different childhoods, different outlooks on things, different opinions, different syles of loving and hating. We are all different. We only do what we have been taught to do. I can't speak Chinese because I have never been taught. My H doesn't talk about feelings because he was never taught how to.

This book is a good way for everyone to learn about feelings. Why we do and say the things that we do and say. Why we feel the way we do about every situation in life!

As of Sunday, I told my H that I wanted out. I could not do this anymore. Between Sunday and today, we have been to a very intense and heated MC session and I have read this book. My H has read the first 50 pages.

After finishing the book this morning, the first thought that went through my head was, 'how can I quit now? He is taking an interest and IF he follows through with the suggestions in this book then he will become a happy, well rounded man that someone else will eventually reap the benefits of.' I have been with him for 19 years of my life. We were 18 and 19 when we started dating. We have been through hell and back. We have 2 wonderful kids that deserve both of us to fight for this family! How can I just walk away from that and basically hand it over to someone else?

He is asking for help. He is going back to IC today. Twice in one week is a HUGE shocker! He is making an effort. Maybe it is not on my time line, maybe he isn't doing the things I think he needs to be doing but he is doing something. He is doing what he knows how do it. It may not be much, but it is something!

I would suggest this book to anyone I know. Everyone in my family could benefit from it. I have brothers that are very intune with their wives but they could still benefit from it!

Just a suggestion. It is very easy to read. It is not that long and if this peaks your interest then you can go to amazon.com and look it up. You can read excerpts from the book to see if it interests you at all.

((((HUGS)))) to everyone!


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
confusedbythis
♀ Member
Member # 15455
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for posting about the book...I have ordered it on amazon and it will be here by Monday...it sounds like just the ticket and Ihope it gives me the clarity you are enjoying...

Just like someone on SI to know what you "need", even before you know you need it!! I love this place!!!

CBT


BS me
WS older than me
DS- typical teen (from a previous marriage)
DD #1 1995, before we married (how stupid am I...)
DD #2 6.8.07 EA, PA
Divorced June 09...free fron CRAZY-LAND!!! Yahoo!

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: OR
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, May 4th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused - I hope it helps. If anything it will give you a better understanding of why men are like this and what you can do on your end to help the situation.

My H has been a totally different person lately. He has not avoided ANY situations. We have had several talks and we both are feeling som relief. I actually feel calmer and more relaxed around him and he said he does too. We went out last night and he didn't do any nit-picking which he usually does just to get to me. He told me this morning that he had alot of fun. I said I did too and he said he meant that he enjoyed my company! WOW- I was very shocked.

He also helped through a small trigger. He has never know what to do to help so he avoids. He told 'I know that is a trigger for you. It is in the past and I am with you now. I'm sorry and I love you.' He held my hand and told me to help him out, that he is new at this and he wants to learn what to do.

I got tears in my eyes and told him that I appreciated his words and actions. The trigger was gone instantly!

Best of luck to you! It is a long road but with the insight of this book we would not be here right now.

I almost feel like I am falling in love al over again. I actually had butterflys last night!


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
sunshinegirl
♀ New Member
Member # 19461
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there. I am a new member and have posted about my situation more fully over in New Beginnings. Long story short, my BF is a recently divorced BS. We were great for over a year, then a week after the divorce was final, he found out his XW is marrying the OM (next month).

He flipped. Is now unsure whether he loves me/wants to get remarried. Wonders if he's broken, maybe 'can't' love.

I don't know whether this is divorce trauma talking or a deeper sign of emotional retardation. He's a pretty stoic guy but he doesn't exhibit the extreme lack of feeling that some of you have described with your S/XS.

On the other hand, he freely admits he has trouble empathizing with people.

What to make of this?


Posts: 40 | Registered: May 2008
hurtndestroyed
♂ Member
Member # 19436
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's rare for women to be "emotionally unavailable", but I have come to realize that my WW is this way to an extreme and she is also a conlict avoider.

I remember when my grandmother passed away after falling down the stairs at my parents house and we went to my grandmothers funeral and my WW couldn't understand how my mom seemed so traumatized (she found her mom dieing at the bottom of the stairs in our house!). I remeber her saying that when my grandmother died my mom wept at the funeral, but she remained strong.

I think it's a learned trait. After I fell apart after the affair her father told me "I always thought you were a stronger person". I just told him that you don't know everything or understand what I'm going through if you said that. What I really wanted to tell him was f#*$ you I just saw pictures of your slut daughter giving oral sex to another man 2 months after we got married.

[This message edited by hurtndestroyed at 12:16 PM, May 15th (Thursday)]


Posts: 356 | Registered: May 2008
WillRecoverWTime
♀ Member
Member # 15673
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunshie and Hurtn,

I'm not sure what happened to this forum but it seems to have faded away.

You may want to post to general to get responses to your messages.

I wanted you to know that someone saw this!

Sunshine - yor BF is probably experienceing some trauma from his ExW marrying. When you are a BS, God only knows what happens to your thoughts. I have had ups and downs and ups and downs. It is a true rollercoaster. I'm sorry that you have to be the one to experiance the aftermath of infidelity. It sucks all the way around!

Hurt - I have a sister that is emotionally unavailable. She would have thought and said the same things as your WW. I don't get it but I do think that it is a learned trait.

It absolutely boggles my mond how some people can think so little of others feelings but they don't know any different. As for her father thinking that you should be a stronger man, he should have been a stronger man as in teach his daughter that other peoples feelings do matter! It is SOOOOOO difficult dealing with people like this.

I wish you both the best - this is a struggle that only the strong can survive


Me BS - 38
Him WS - 39
Married 17 years
2 kids 12 & 6
2 year EA-PA
Dday #1 9-22-06 EA revealed
Dday #2 12-30-06 PA w/ same ow revealed as well as continued contact

Recognizing your past will prevent you from destroying your future!


Posts: 461 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Indiana
sunshinegirl
♀ New Member
Member # 19461
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, WillRecover.

As I learn more about my ex's marriage, I am coming to believe that he is not merely traumatized by the infidelity. I believe his emotional unavailability was one of the key reasons she cheated on him...so this is a long-standing pattern of thinking and behavior.


Posts: 40 | Registered: May 2008
claudiasometimes
Member
Member # 19361
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am new to this thread. i believe a lot of what is written on here fits my BF to a tee.

we talked about it shortly after dday, and called it "chronically apathetic".

i need your help though. we haven't talked about it since then (no shock there, right), but everyday i have to deal with the disconnection, distance, "chronic apathy", and other things associated with the push part of the cycle. i only feel better on the infrequent and shortlived pull part of the cycle. anyway, my question is, how do i approach him about getting into therapy (and perhaps meds). i am reading a book called "i don't want to talk about it - the legacy of male depression" and i believe a lot of his EU and PA behaviors that are so intrinsic to him are largely from his covert depression. please, someone, help me figure out how to help him help himself...


"i wish i could just stop. i know another moment will break my heart. too many tears, too many times, too many years i've cried over you." - **from the edge of the deep green sea** by the cure


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2008 | From: ca
Clangirl
♀ Member
Member # 19433
Wink  Posted: 12:32 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to think my WS was depressed too-until I heard him in animated conversation with other people.

Then I realised it was just me.(Sigh!)

He is EA though. And he`s finally admitted that he only thinks he loves me and deosn`t know what level that love is at. He refuses point blank to go to counselling, or therapy of any sort. Refuses to work in any way on our marriage.

Yet he has hope that there is hope for our future together. (yes, his words-confused I know)

Double sigh!

So I`m in 180 of course and minding me.

I really do wonder if being EA is just another weapon to keep us fretting about them and keep us on a string...


Posts: 66 | Registered: May 2008
ragingpain
♀ Member
Member # 10036
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think maybe I belong here too.

WH put me on a pedestal when we first started dating, so I know he is not incapable of attention and affection. He hasn't told me he loves me in 3 years (D-Day). When I asked him if he loves me he says "I love you but not the way you want me to". When I asked him what the hell that was supposed to mean, he couldn't (wouldn't) give me an answer.

His kisses are completely unemotional, not passionate. I feel like we're roomates. We haven't had sex in almost a month now. I printed out Joseph's Letter for him to read but after sitting on top of the microwave for a couple weeks without being touched I told him I'd read it to him. I got about a 1/4 of the way through it and he got up and went into another room. I've printed out exercises from marriage builders and the like but he simply refuses to even look at them.

Last week it just got so bad that I couldn't stop crying. I feel so lonely in this "relationship". I slept on the couch for a few nights crying myself to sleep and began doing the 180. He noticed that right away and told me I was making things worse!
I guess I'm just supposed to suck it up and grovel at his feet for the scraps he chooses to fling my way now and then.
He pays more attention to the dogs than he does to me.
I don't know how much longer I can take this. Every day a little more of me feels like it's slipping away and soon I will be gone and the pain of his indifference towards me will finally be over.

Sorry for rambling, I just had to get some of this out. (he's in there sleeping like a baby right now; I want to go in there and spoon his eyes out!)


And the flame burned away. But your still spittin' fire.
Make no difference what ya say. You're still a fuckin' liar.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New York
brknsoul
♀ Member
Member # 19522
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....spoon his eyes out!!! Phahahahahahaha....teeeheeee.
You cracked me up. I'm putting a spoon in my bedside drawer right away.


brknsoulBS(me) 54
FWH 45
2nd M both; 4 adult kids
Dday(s) 4/23/07;6/4/07; 6/14/07; 11/07;12/07 (trickle truth)
More info 4/08 (hopefully all)
Separated 4/15/08
Trying to R in MC/IC

Posts: 119 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Deep South
splitperson
♀ Member
Member # 329
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


My father was abusive physicall and verbally, and alcoholic. It is no wonder I have been able to withstand 25 years of emotional abandonment by my H. I have 3 more years to go and counting before kids are out of HS I can finally leave.

I am reading "Women who love too much" and it is helping me to try not to obsess about our relationship and learn to be happy despite it. It would be a good book for men with emotionally retarded wives to read as well, as the EU are not just men, as we all know. It talks about how hard we try to get what we need, to change these people. Why we can't seem to move on with our own personal lives.

I just got "The Emotionally Unavailable Man" in the mail. One half is for women, the other half is for the EU man. I know my H will never read his half, but I will read mine just the same.

EU is based on fear. Plain old simple fear of being abandoned and having been rejected every time they tried to talk about their feelings or showed their feelings. Or, as in my H"s case, having the crap beat out of them every time they opened their mouth.

These are truly damaged people.


Posts: 766 | Registered: Jul 2002
allen2100
♂ New Member
Member # 19836
Sad  Posted: 10:57 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only got through the first 14 pages, but seeing it is like a revelation to me. My WW is emotionally unavailable. It was very exciting as we started dating, but even before we married she started with withdraw. My mom died early in the relationship and I blamed many of the problems on that. The truth is I always blamed myself for just about all the problems in the relationship.

It's been about a week since d-day and she hasn't shown any remorse. She claims she is the victim, that she had given up and that I had driven her too this... without her affair she would have no chance at love (never acknowledging that this is just one of several she has had).

She is always working on her computer, never makes time for us. When we get a babysitter we usually go to a movie... if we have a meal she often feels like I "talk too much." For the longest time I have felt like I had some sort of unquenchable libido because I was always asking for sex... I started checking her schedule to see when she might have the most free time away from all her work commitments, try to do whatever I could to minimize her stress, and got very angry if our girls disturbed her, just in the hope that she might actually agree... and during those times I tried to feel some sort of connection between us, but she would barely touch me, she would leave the bed immediately after and not cuddle at all, and I would be so frustrated that she could show so little love or tenderness to me. She never holds my hand, pats me on the back, or says she loves me, and she blames me for all this.

In the beginning of our relationship my problem was that I was too "touchy feely" and it was a turn-off. Then I was too messy (which is true, but not a reason for an affair I think). As I became more and more frustrated with the situation, my anger became the issue.

It's finally with the kids that I noticed something was wrong. My wife didn't feel much of a connection to our adopted daughter. I was somewhat horrified to discover it. After our daughter was diagnosed with a chronic disease that will likely shorten her life significantly I was crying, but my WW didn't seem to show much emotion. With our biological daughter my WW shows more of a bond, but she seems to have trouble acting physically loving towards her at times. Often when my wife is taking care of the kids she will spend the entire time in her room on the computer not interacting with them.

Why do I love her so much? She's about to go off to europe to spend 3 weeks with the OM and I am taking all the blame for being a bad husband. I know I have issues I need to deal with... I myself have trouble with being passive aggressive at times, and I thoroughly confused love and sex. I live in constant fear of being betrayed (of course that did happen... go figure), but I don't think I deserve this. I don't deserve having a wife who promises to start MC after a three week sex romp with the OM. I don't deserve to be spending my morning getting a massage so I can relax before getting an STD test.

I have tried so hard to change my ways to please her, yet I am constantly criticized. I am completely unable to argue with her on my own. She is so crafty about bringing up my faults, changing the subject, manipulating me into accepting full responsibility.

Was I really so bad? After my mom died I became agoraphobic and had a tough time dealing with many things. I also entered a depression which lasted at least 3 years. I wasn't fun to be around... but was I as bad as she says? I don't know anymore. Am I just the most codependent person on the planet? I know I am rambling, but I am so confused.

When I went to IC (on d-day) I was so scared she would kick me out of the house if I confronted her and that I would never see the girls. The therapist had to tell me that I didn't have to leave my own house! When did I become someone who would just do whatever my WW tells me? And now with this final betrayal she really has me under her complete control: I wake up early in the morning, unload the dish washer, make coffee, bring it to her in bed, make breakfast for the kids, keep the house clean... and basically cater to her every whim as she is focusing oh planning her trip to Europe. God I am such a pathetic loser. I am so afraid of being alone and losing my daughters that I am acting like a slave to a woman who is stabbing me in the heart. I just want to much to be loved. God I need help.

[This message edited by allen2100 at 11:00 PM, June 13th (Friday)]


Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
claudiasometimes
Member
Member # 19361
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((allen2100)))

i completely empathize with you. i just pm'ed you.


"i wish i could just stop. i know another moment will break my heart. too many tears, too many times, too many years i've cried over you." - **from the edge of the deep green sea** by the cure


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2008 | From: ca
luv80smusic
♀ Member
Member # 17248
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, June 14th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH is emotionally unavailable. He has no idea how to tap into his feelings. He looked in the mirror at himself for 10 minutes today and couldn't come up with how he was feeling. He couldn't label anything.

Our MC said it is like his ability to do this has been switched off. Can anyone give me hope and what has worked in your situation?

Thanks,

Luv80smusic


Betrayed wife
D Day 9/7/07
Reconciled yes 100% trust no

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.


Posts: 622 | Registered: Dec 2007
ragingpain
♀ Member
Member # 10036
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's a great video.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=n61Du5lhWio


And the flame burned away. But your still spittin' fire.
Make no difference what ya say. You're still a fuckin' liar.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New York
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