Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
for all intents, my M is long over. we have been living seperately for amost 2 years now but we still e-mail each other often.
you know...its like after the initial "LUST" part was over, WH just could NOT *progress* to the next basic normal "step" ...he just could never LATCH ON to the M.
Does anyone know what I mean?
Like he just could not get permanently "attached" ~ or something.
Interestingly, my WH just seems to be waiting for me to get over "this" so we can get our life back. Not really working on himself or on repairing our marriage...just waiting and checking in every couple of days to see if I am "better" yet...
I am so grateful to have found this thread....
When we go along for a few days without mentioning the A, my H thinks.."great, she's over it; life as usual again."
My H is EU (his father is totally EU, and his mother's emotions confuse her..,
When I address his lack of emotional connection to me (and others) he thinks I "don't like who he is".
In 25 years of our marriage he has never really gotten close to my family members, and although I have friends, he has never had any because (in my opinion) he can't allow himself to be vulnerable with anyone.
I agree with the person who posted that he was shut down as a child when he expressed emotion.
Sex is my H's way of being close. It is the only way he seems to know to be intimate with someone.
He says the reason for his A was for the sex, but I think it's because he only feels emotion through sex, so he needs alot of it in order to feel....
Anyone else find this? Any recommendations or resources to share?
I am posting on this board, I guess, to learn from others' experiences being with an emotionally unavailable/retarded/void man. I know my situation might seem trivial compared to those of you who have been in long marriages with EU men - some may even be of the view that I have dodged a huge bullet. In no way do I mean to minimize anything the rest of you is going through. I guess I'm just hoping to better understand my ex-boyfriend and, in so doing, really come to believe MYSELF that "yep, I dodged a bullet".
So, a bit of background: my xSO was married for 12 years. We met when he was separated for a year. His XW cheated on him for years, and ultimately left him for that guy; they got married last month.
My ex is extremely non-communicative. I knew this from day one but somehow it didn't stop me. He rarely talked about his marriage, showed little emotion toward his XW, and conveyed no self-reflection or understanding of the role he had played in the demise of his own marriage.
According to mutual friends who have known him since college, he has never been a good communicator. He and his XW were talking more with the mutual friends than each other by the end. The mutual friends are convinced that she cheated on him when someone emotionally available finally showed up in her life.
Fast forward to us: I never felt emotionally connected to my ex. It was such a strange sensation - we spent tons of time together and were awesome activity partners, but he was never curious about me or my life. It was a lot of work to engage him in conversation, and he was never interested in going below the surface on anything. In truth, I was starting to get bored with our conversations...yet it wasn't occurring to me that maybe I shouldn't be with him.
All of my friends reported the same experience with him: that he was incredibly difficult to engage in converesation, and very difficult to "read". Friends called him "plastic face" and "Ken doll" because he was so buttoned up.
He struggled to articulate his feelings for me, which was a flag, but then again he was openly integrating me into his life - parents, daughter, extended family - and he brought up moving in together. But he also admitted that he couldn't empathize with people. And oh, did I see it. He truly cannot put himself in others' shoes, and he has a very black-and-white view of the world wherein people who disagree with him are, basically, stupid. I challenged his cynical and narrow perspectives from time to time, but also felt like it wasn't my job to change him. So I tried to accept his cynicism as just part of the guy I loved.
But then everything went haywire and he cheated on me with someone from work--on the heels of learning his ex was going to get remarried.
I realize this makes no sense given the concerns *I* had about being with him: but, I was devastated by his betrayal. I've never been laid so low in my life. I trusted him completely and he had made all these sounds throughout our relationship that he knows how much it hurts to be cheated on.
As I now recover from this relationship, I am trying to piece together the "psychology" of him to better come to terms with things. I know I may never know with certainty, and at some point I will need to stop focusing on him. But I'm not quite there yet.
So - all that being said, does he sound EU to others on this board? Is there something about his EU that led to him 'revenge cheating'?
I have been terrified that something about the hooch he left me for will 'unlock' his emotional side or that he will somehow be for her all that he couldn't be for me. I'm being ridiculous...right?
Apologies for the length. I am eager to hear any input...
Yes your xSO sounds EU to me. And your question about if whether the OW will unlock this pattern - well it sounds unlikely - and even if she does it doesn't mean that you are a failure.
My WH is also EU and I think it's such a source of sadness and disorientation for him, as well as me. I think his A was an attempt to waken up the deadness created by the EU, but then it's looking like it's just leading to more, as he is not taking an active role in healing.
I've been married 17 years and I am heartbroken, devastated, etc. But I remember this happened with a boyfriend many many years ago and I was also heartbroken and devastated then. I don't think you can compare pain to pain, like one kind is more or less. It all sucks.
The only thing about long term marriages is that you are more emeshed and it takes longer to get out if you have to.
Sending you a hug,
Funny, since I posted the other day, I've been reading about schizoid personality disorder. I was surprised to see so many similarities to my ex - that include but go beyond EU.
I should be careful not to pathologize him too much, I suppose. My overarching feelings right now are of sadness, first for him for what I suspect is a certain "deadness" to life as you describe with your H. I really feel sad that he may never experience true joy and happiness - everything is so flattened in his experience that his highs are never very high, just as his lows are never very low.
I also feel sad for me, that I invested so much in a man who clearly couldn't reciprocate, schizoid label or not.
Thank you again for sharing. My healing road continues...
My guess is one reason affairs work with these men is because they don't have to give much to the OW.
When my EU WH found out that he'd have to spend lots of money on rent when I asked him to move out for the summer he suddenly got willing to talk. Part of me is feeling hopeful we talked, part of me doesn't trust this scrap of hope at all.
When you mentioned pathologizing your xSO I started to wonder about this dynamic with EU people, if when we are partners with an EU it seems like we work doubly hard to figure them out since they don't work much to figure themselves out.
I think I need to focus on myself and whether I want to settle for being with an EU person, why I have been willing to be with an EU, what I want for myself.
Is there some kind of woman out there who can have a happy and healthy long-term relationship with an EU man? I'm a strong, independent woman, very far from needy, yet I couldn't withstand his EU. It started to produce EU in me - I was shutting down conversationally and emotionally because HE brought none himself to the relationship.
So who "gets" to form a healthy relationship with this kind of man?
Since his affair, I stopped prodding. I laugh when I read about doing the 180. My husband loves when I do the 180. He thinks that is what marriage should be--two people working together for a home and family. He hates me to bring up the affair so of course doing the 180 gives him much relief.
I also have to admit that the only time I did need him emotionally he went out and had an affair. Maybe if we had marital problems or I had problems earler in our marriage, he would have had an affair earlier. I just don't know.
If you could ask your EU WS any question about the A - what would your question be?
The one I'm still waiting for an answer to... "How did you, the man who proclaimed to be so ethical and moral and just, reconcile the affairs with yourself? In other words, how did you actually make this "right" in your head?"
He said "he never did make it right, he knew it was wrong." But on the other hand that to me now means he did it willingly KNOWING he was wrong.
I still haven't reconciled the fact that he can and will do anything, even if it's wrong, as long as he's the only one who knows he did it.
His answer: "I thought you would see how sick I am." Duh, and I want to have a relationship with a sick man? I don't think so.
[This message edited by Pippy at 10:53 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]
Since his affair, I stopped prodding. I laugh when I read about doing the 180. My husband loves when I do the 180.
I could very much relate to your experience of the 180. I realise that I spent most of my marraige doing the 180 with the occasional prod. I actualy stopped doing it on D Day as I was very much needing him to support me. He loves the 180 suits him fine, it's like I am out of the way and not in his face needing stuff.
M: 12 years
D Day 9th Dec 2007
Now in R but it took a se
"What were you looking for?"
That's pretty vague and general, I guess. But I'd like H to come clean about why he'd go outside our marriage, ignore me, yet say how much he loves me to OW in his so-called emotional affair. It's a long story, of course. The question is actually, "What ARE you looking for??"