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User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
♀ Member
Member # 15035
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, December 7th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC says that our children will learn to live with WH's hanicap, but why should they have to.

Why can't these men (or women) take a step up and work on themselves. Are their families not important to them?

me-36 WH-37
Married 16 years together 18
6 children (5,7,8,12,14,16)
DDay - March 4th 2007
DDay #2 September 13, 2008 EA
Separated Oct 24, 2008
7/1/09 He is coming home!
Beginning to R

Posts: 694 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: East Coast
♀ New Member
Member # 20333
What?  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the topic I was looking for! Too bad it seems to have dried up. After about 12 weeks of marriage counseling, our marriage remains at the same level, with no change other than it seems like my H has stopped emotional affairs with other women. He seems not to be searching the "fling" type of sites. But nothing else has changed. I.e., a) he is emotionally totally unavailable; b) we have no intimacy; c) zero sex. He has not followed through on any of the things our counselor told us/him to do. He really puts up obstacles to me discussing anything deep with him. I guess I won't go on and on right now. Maybe someone will respond. Take care to all out there.

M 36 years
D-day 6/5/2008
EA, almost morphed to PA
me - BW

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Northern California
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Member # 21909
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi dumbtrust2 - I have some of the same feelings. We're about 2 months from DDay and my WS is attending MC with me. Sometimes I feel like he is really trying and sometimes I feel like he is just going through the motions. Sometimes it helps me to write down and look at the positive changes, because it's all too easy to focus on the bad stuff. He too seems to put up walls and not want to talk about deep things as much as I do. I try to back off at that point and let him come to me...again, this helps sometimes.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2008
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Member # 21825
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading all the posts, I have one question. How can my WH be so EU to me and our situation, but he claims the reason he had the A was because I had become emotionally distant from him the last year of our M? He said the "emotinal connection" he had with OW was so fullfilling. I just don't get it.

WH:46 going on 16
DDay - 8/12/08
D22(his step since 3yrs old)
Can't heal you, don't want to cause you can't save your fuckin' self-can't heal you, don't need to cause you won't save yourself.Bye asshole

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: minnesota
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Member # 21909
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joyce - I think the emotional connection my WS had w/the OW was one where he felt good all the time. He keeps telling me it was something 'simple' and 'easy' and that she thought he was 'amazing' and 'confident'. It was a fantasy, plain and simple. He might have looked at it as an emotional connection, but it really was a way to get validation w/out any real emotion. JMHO.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2008
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Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


If you think of your behavior towards your husband as a mirror - what does he see in the mirror??

pre-affair: the daily grind, kids, bills, work etc
post-affair - anger, rage, hurt, disappointment etc

Now compare that to what he saw in the mirror from the AP

AP - adoring, kind, hero, macho man

Does that make sense??
I heard something like that on a radio talk show - It made me stop and re-think a lot of my own behavior. Just something to think about.

Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
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Member # 22025
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found the perfect place for me. Now I understand why my H is the way he is. Although we say we are R I still always feel unfulfilled. When I am happy...he's happy. When I start to trigger...he runs for the hills and ignores me. Which leaves me hanging out in the wind.

He won't read anything the MC has given us. And when I bring home books he actually rolls his eyes at me. I showed him 3 paragraphs (he stopped reading after the first one!) and seemed surprised when I got mad. I mean, come on, 3 paragraphs really isn't hard. He's a professional businessman. I know he can do it.

Reading your posts is like reading what I'm feeling. My WH said the exact same things for his reasons for the A. I wasn't there for him emotionally, and she was. Yet, when I look at it, now that we are going through this he is really meaning I should be there to just laugh and have fun with him. No pressure.

The truth is, she had sex with him all the time. It was new, exciting, forbidden and fresh. It was a fantasy. They didn't have to deal with laundry, bills, kids, cooking. They met up at resorts and ordered in room service. No wonder he thought it was great!

Now that we are R, he just wants us to be happy all the time and when I get needy, he gets quiet. He just doesn't want to deal with this part of me. He doesn't understand why I am acting like this. I'm seriously trying not to do it but the more he acts like this the worse I become. It's a vicious cycle.

3 months ago, when D-day happened, I felt I would do anything to save my marriage. I'm starting to think it's time to save myself.

I don't hold grudges, I just have a great memory!

Behind every woman who trusts no one, is a man who taught her to be that way!

Posts: 833 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: No mans land
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Member # 22025
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just thought of this. His favorite tag line when I ask too many questions is, "geez, your killing me. Stop already". What a guy.

I was thinking...what happens when to EU people marry. That is probably a match made in heaven. They ignore each other all day and have great sex at night. That would be perfect as long as they never have kids.

Anyway, glad I found this group.

I don't hold grudges, I just have a great memory!

Behind every woman who trusts no one, is a man who taught her to be that way!

Posts: 833 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: No mans land
Member # 22559
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, January 25th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My D-Day was only one week ago. I can't say we are in R, because he decided the day before he told me about the PA that he doesn't love me any more. He doesn't know if he wants to try to make it work. Right now I'm so willing to do almost anything to save our marriage. He went from I should leave him and take the kids (our two daughters and the son who will be born in about 5 weeks) to he doesn't want to be away from his kids. He would like us to just live as friends and not worry about our marriage until he decides how he feels. We had a fantastic day yesterday, my idea to just relax and BE, but today I realized one day is my limit right now. I felt like I HAD to question him and found out more lies and told him if he wants to leave he should. He said he hasn't because it would be harder on me, and I pointed out that he doesn't care how I feel, so don't use that. He's going away from work for 2 weeks anyway, so he really just left one night early. He called later and said he didn't want to leave b/c he wanted as much time with the girls as poss. His deciding to leave today was the first actual decision he's made other that "I love you but I"m not in love with you". He doesn't know how he feels, if he wants NC with the OW, if he wants to try, and he doesn't want to figure those things out. Just wants to exist and tell me he wishes I would just stop wanting to talk about things.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
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Member # 21844
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, January 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you think of your behavior towards your husband as a mirror - what does he see in the mirror??

pre-affair: the daily grind, kids, bills, work etc
post-affair - anger, rage, hurt, disappointment etc

Now compare that to what he saw in the mirror from the AP

AP - adoring, kind, hero, macho man

This was my H. The problem was that he didn't realize that he acted differently around the OW. She saw the adoring, kind, hero because he behaved like one around her, mainly because he chose to be around women that he felt superior too.

He saw anger and disappointment from me after the A because he cause it by having an A.

Basically, these types of people need IC to learn how to take responsibility for their choices and face the consequences of their actions.

Me: BS 37
Him: WH 39
M: 8y
DDay: 9/22/08

Legally Separated headed towards D

Posts: 58 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NY
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Member # 22293
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, January 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been posting on the "OC support thread BS Only" thread, but this thread definitely applies to my situation. My H and I are 4 mos out from D-Day. The OW is pregnant (due in May) a a result of the A. He still has contact with her and we barely have any relationship left at all. I can't say we are reconciling, but we're not getting a divorce either...just in "limbo" I guess. I am struggling because my H is completely void of any emotion when he talks about our situation. He just stares at me when I break down and there is no compassion for what he has done to me. He compartmentalizes the situation and almost treats me like I am just a piece of the puzzle he is trying to figure out instead of treating me like his spouse who he has betrayed. He is going to councelling, but refuses to go to MC or seek counsel from our church Bishop. He doesn't take any accountability for his actions and constantly points the finger at our "failed" marriage prior to the A as an excuse for cheating. I don't know how to reach soon as I try to suggest ways for us to become closer, the more distant he becomes. It doesn't help that she is still in the picture. He says he can't give what he needs to give to our marriage because she is carrying his child (his only child) and he is completely consumed in the childs well-being. I am just so ready to give up. I can't do this alone. He has to want to make changes and reconcile too. Ugh. I'm just glad I have support here

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2009
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Member # 22025
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, January 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And you do have support here QTPie. We'll listen to you.

I know this has to be horrible for you right now but, and I only say this because it just worked for me, you're going to have to put your foot down about how things are going to be and stand firm.

I finally hit my 'exasperation wall' on Monday and by the time he got home....I was done. I showed no emotion, no begging, no tears, no nothin. He screamed, yelled, threw his ring at me....but I wouldn't budge. I told him it was too late to save the marriage, it was over and I wanted him out of the house.

I let him sleep in a guest bedroom until the next day (his birthday) in which he could pack up and move. He was freaking out but I held it firm. I had FINALLY decided that although I love him so much, I needed to love ME just as much. I needed to take care of ME.

Well guess who ran to the MC that morning, took me to my dr appt, and can't stop reading NOT Just Friends? Yep, you guessed it. He just needed that big ole work booted kicked right up his ass.

If I knew that would have worked, I would have done it months ago. He is a pussycat now. Always sends sweet emails, affectionate, attentive, here.

I believe we climbed that mountain and we've bought the t-shirt.

[This message edited by reelingbuthealin at 12:29 AM, February 1st (Sunday)]

I don't hold grudges, I just have a great memory!

Behind every woman who trusts no one, is a man who taught her to be that way!

Posts: 833 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: No mans land
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Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am starting to believe that this is my new forum.

I dont understand SO - he gets angry when i cry, refuses to comfort me, and wont talk about our relationship. When I give him things to read he will read them and not have anything to say about it. He promised me he would take a more proactive role in our relationship but hasnt.

He couldnt be less interested in sex, hugging, he needs no affection and doesnt get why I do. I asked him for 5 mins of affection a day, such as a hug or sitting on the couch holding hands and he called me demanding.

i am at my wits end. i feel completely unloved and i feel like i am losing the plot. He makes me feel needy even though i am not a needy person. He just doesnt get my whole needing meaningful contact and love and intimacy and affection.

God I feel stupid writing this but I desperately need it.

What am I going to do

Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson

Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
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Member # 19329
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning SmileyBlue

I don't get down here often, but should.....I am married to the Prince of EU men....and he's going for King....

It's tough isn't it?

Strangest thing is I did not realize he was this way when we met and fell in love.

Oh, I admired his "coolness" know, quiet, calm.....reminded me of Steve McQueen in Thomas Crown affair...

Since I was so emotional, it appealed to me...and I thought we were a good balance.

Now, after his A, I find it is the biggest stumbling block to R...

Like you, I give him things to read and I get nothing comments...nothing...

Not even sure he reads the stuff....

I've asked him why he does this and you know, I don't think he has EVER answered me other than, "I don't know."

The ONLY thing that has saved me sometimes...and I mean the ONLY thing is that we do connect some of my needs for "closeness" are satisfied that way....

But honestly, it is crumbs....I want long conversations...discussions about "feelings."

But as soon as I launch into one of "THOSE" conversations, he all but shuts down.....I mean I can hear him breathing....he looks down, and I can see his lips tighten and jaw clench...

I bought and read the book, "The Emotionally Unavailable Man," but so now I know why he is like this...but it doesn't really HELP...I forget everything I've read that is supposed to HELP me help him not be this way....sigh.

I don't know your situation, but I'm wondering how he would respond if YOU initiated sex...something new and daring....Maybe you have tried this and maybe it has not worked.....

Now and then, I see small rays of hope, but mostly, we just stumble's like trying to read smoke signals or something...just impossible.....

In the meantime, I promise myself I will NOT discuss it yet AGAIN, but I always do....

I see you and FWSO are VERY young...goodness, I could be your it makes me terribly sad that you struggling with this at such a young age.

It was many years before I realized what was missing for me....But when I finally did, I was deeply sad that I felt so disconnected from him....

I have learned, however, that he believes we ARE close and that he shares a great deal with me....I guess it is just the difference in our perceptions....

While things CAN change, you will have to ask yourself if you want to continue to fight this battle...someone that young that does NOT want sexual contact...well, could there be other problems?

I don't know the solution, but I just want you to know I understand.....

[This message edited by Lost&Hurt at 6:50 AM, February 5th (Thursday)]

BS: me
WS: him
D Day - 2-13-2008
Attempting R after 6 years of lies

Posts: 1478 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Outer Limits
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Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, February 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am so glad this thread has appeared. Only through this site did i find out about people with this problem (emotionally unavailable). It was a truly eureka moment. I felt as if storm clouds had lifted above my head showing a clink of sunlight and blue sky.
Now for my story. I met my partner at work 12 years ago and fell in love with him. He was chatty, interesting, funny and a fun popular person. The faithful type, i thought. He was single. I was not. I left my partner for him. Something I am not proud of and had deep regrets and guilt over for many years.
As time went on we built a life together and were happy and had 2 children. Althouht very early on, one day (after we were toghther for about 3 months) I was feeling a little low and sad. WS said - if you are going to be like this we will have to split. I dont like people being down.
And so, i didnt show emotions. A few times we argued just the usual was people do to try to make a person who is emotionallly unavailable talk, but i got the cold shoulder run to cave treatment. So I have always felt there was something missing. A deeper connection that just never happened. I learned to live with it.
Then 22 months ago I found a bit of paper in his notebook.
Black hair, age 21, size 8, 32D.
I felt sick. There were more of the same type.
I confronted him and he confessed this had been going on for years (3 then 4 then 7 years but i think it was all his adult life)
The point I am at now is the counce"llor told him because he couldn't "connect" with adults emotionally in a relationship, he visited whores.
So, we are in R but still I find we do not communicate. And I dont even know if I can be bothred anymore

Its just the usual clamp up. Last time I tried he barackaded himself in a room. I have tried all types of aproach over the years.
Do i go on feeling empty and hide the pain, try to comunicate, or break free?

Children:2 yrs, 6 months

Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2008
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Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 63 years old and just ended a 28 year old relationship. I just found out a few weeks ago from this site that he is a passive aggressive. No doubt in my mind. Everything fits. And you ask what you should do? Well, I'd run, as fast as I can. I wish I had known that was what I was battling.
I might be wrong but I'm not reading too many success stories here. I guess if you are a saint and you don't mind sacrificing a lot of yourself than try to make a go of it. I guess at 63 though, it's time for ME.

Posts: 318 | Registered: Feb 2009
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Member # 20977
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really think I may have found my niche here at SI.

I am fairly confident that my WH is no longer involved in A currently, but we are deep in other issues such as work involvement, etc.

I think I have just realized that things are fine for us if we just keep it all on the surface. I have heard time and again how he just wishes I could be happy, and now I get it. My being happy means no work for him and no emotional investment.

Maybe it is not so much that he doesn't care that I am in pain, it is just that he does not know what to do about it. Either way, I am still hurting and lonely.

I feel like the only way to keep our M going is to focus on him, his work and his frustrations. This is a problem because I think it is his preoccupation with work that creates major conflict in our M. So I need to support and nuture a job which seems to drive a ever growing rift in our M.

I am sorry, I am having a bad day. Deep down, I think my H wants something better, but I don't know whether he will commit the energy and time to make that happen. There was a time during our R that he seemed to really connect with his feelings and was able to discuss with me mine as well. He truly seemed happier.

Now I am beginning to see the same subtle anger with me, the hesitancy to share feelings, and really, the repositioning me back into being the adversary to him and his job.

I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I can analyze this, read books about it, go to therapy, but in the end.....still sad and achingly alone with my feelings.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Sep 2008
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Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, February 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot believe I didnt post here sooner.

This describes him to a T he just does not want to hear about my problems, he will listen for a bit but then after a while he is like "no". He cant handle hearing anymore and doesnt get why I cannot handle problems on my own. I CAN - I just want to lean on him a bit too.

I WANT long conversations about our relationship when its not going to great. I want to talk about our feelings and I want to hear his. He told me once he doesnt express his feelings because I dont let him, but I dont understand because since day 1 I have encouraged him to talk things out and let me know what he thinks and feels. He just doesnt want to.

I honestly think he would be happier being alone. He just doesnt seem to want anyone intimately in his life, he likes hanging out with the boys but even then he is quiet, he sort of sits there and watches. It breaks my heart to think of him being so lonely but if that is what he wants how can i accept that?

He thinks I am demanding and needy. I dont think I am I think I keep backing down and backing down so he gets space. He doesnt seem to care that coming to a solution means that both of us need to be happy, not just his contentment at the expense of mine.

He is just so closed off. I know its wrong...but I blame his parents and if I could I would give his mother such a shake for how she treats him.

Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson

Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know why I keep coming back to this thread as it's named "reconciling with......." and I have no desire to reconcile at all. I guess it's because I'm so old and I don't think he has the strength of character to make the huge effort that I think it would take to change. We haven't even had a discussion about P/A since I realized that was the problem we've had all these years.
I guess it just makes me feel vindicated and gives me a good reason to feel "good" about breaking up finally. Not to say anything of the fact that this is the third time the has done this to me. So I read through all of this and think how little I will miss of the crazy-making that is passive aggressive behavior.

Posts: 318 | Registered: Feb 2009
I am Broken
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Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fairly new here,first post this thread.2-1/2 years post d-day,doing no better then at d-day,in fact worse.The first few weeks after d-daywere hell of course,I told him I was leaving.He asked me to take a week or 2 to think about it and a series of serious ,ongoing circumstances kept me from leaving.(see profile)Other than I'm sorry,I didn't mean to hurt you and answering a few questions,it has been ignored by him.I can't talk about it or how I feel ,refer to it ,anything.His attitude is if I forgive him,move on.He also feels he has more problems than me.(see progile)Consequently,I'm extremely depressed,heavy meds,recently spent 1 week in inpatient program,because of depression,suicidal thoughts etc.Counselor is worried about me and also worried that me always keeping things in and mty emotional state will lead to a physical illness,I worry too.I don't want to live like this the rest of my life,not dealing with it,depression etc.and feeling like happiness and peace don't exsist anymore and never will.H. tries in surface ways to help the marriage ,but will not deal with what i need for soul healing.My couselor talked to him about all this and her concerns for me and all he had to say after was mt counselor was nice!Have any of you been in this situation??How did get a break trough with your spouse to deal with it???Thanks in advance!

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2008
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