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User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 23rd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - double post

[This message edited by nofun at 9:06 PM, April 23rd (Friday)]


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Wayward_Angel
♀ Member
Member # 28452
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, May 6th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

are there any WS in here than are dealing with a BS that keeps it all inside?


Dday 4/21/2010
Me: WS 25
Him: BS 30

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Dallas, TX
Crickey
♀ Member
Member # 27434
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, May 13th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

are there any WS in here than are dealing with a BS that keeps it all inside?

**Sigh** Yes. I am looking into this thread because my husband keeps it all inside. He appears to be 'Emotionally Unavailable', but I think it's more of a can't communicate his emotions thing. It's so frustrating. I get almost no feeling/emotional feedback from him. He's a very logical/analytical thinker and very emotionally constipated.

Apparently OW allowed him to express himself emotionally. Whatever.

AAACCCKKK!!!!


Staying together and getting better....most days.

Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings,we continue to fly...on a broomstick. We're flexible like that.

Posts: 205 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: United States
JustWantHimBack
♀ Member
Member # 29485
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, September 16th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

4 months late but Wayward_Angel I'm dealing with a BBF that's currently keeping his emotions in. We talked it but I think he's just so drained that he needs a break. He told me yesterday actually that he wanted to ask me about something but he wasn't ready to hear the answer...


Me(WGF/BGF)- 24, Him(XBBF/XWBF) -26
D-Day#1 - April 7, 2010. Full Disclosure - May 27, 2010. My D-day - October 10, 2010
He had a EA/PA August-whenever.
He's now moved on to someone new. Still giving me mixed signals. Sigh.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New York
september7
♀ Member
Member # 29929
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, October 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here also. My husband has zero empathy. Even the counselor told him he needs to try to be in "my shoes" for a while. I believe he thinks what he's done is okay and that I will "get over it". Well, I really don't know if "I want to". Maybe he needs to go.


D-Day September 7, 2010
NC ended December 22, 2010 and I kicked him OUT! WH dumps OW July 2, 2011 and wants to R! Now he has been living with me in not the best circumstances, but we're paying for medical school for one kid and college the other.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Florida
Star727
♀ Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, October 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having the same problem. WH thinks if we don't talk about it, it will go away. He has already said he has nothing to be sorry about or ashamed of because he didnt do anything wrong. I'm so tired of hearing that.

He keeps everything bottled up inside and I have no idea whats going on in his head, what plans he has, if he's still in the EA.

I'm tired of "assuming" about our marriage. I cant even get TT from him. He has clammed up really tight.

I told him if we can't get this out in the open once and for all and I find out he's still in contact with OW, all hell is going to break out. So for now, we live in the same house, you would think we were best friends or brother and sister.

He will not be intimate with me and I think its because he's angry that I broke up his relationship so he's punishing me but his attitude is so 'conflict avoidance', he won't come right out and say anything. He just gets quiet and shows no action.

I havent been kissed in 2 years. We havent had sex over 6 months. He has ED from prostate cancer surgery but he won't even try anymore. An occasional pat on my head, in bed he will reach over and hold my hand and does that in the car but thats about all the intimacy he shows.

I'm at the point now where I don't care anymore and I've stopped trying to be intimate with him. It just hurts my feelings.

I'm in the middle of practicing the 180 now and just going on with my life. I know I cant keep up this kind of life for long. Something will come up and I'll be able to say "okay, I'm done".

I'm just waiting...


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
alura5
♀ Member
Member # 17593
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, October 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I;m kinda lost - He recently claimed he's emotionally distant, I think he might have NPD or PA, and can't tell what the deal is. A lot of the time I think we're okay, but then he pulls something out of his hat and I'm all wrong-footed again.

I want someone who doesn't feel it's an act of supreme sacrifice to hug me or kiss me, to tell me he thinks I'm pretty (especially without insulting himself in the same sentence: "You look nice, but I'm a troll" or the like), someone who WANTS to give me flowers... not someone who complains that if he doesn't I'll be sad.

I see other girls around me with guys who freely celebrate their X-month anniversaires... I gave up on trying to remember our anniversary - first it was "gay" or clingy/controlling to remember it. Now, he acts as though he wants to remember it, but since I honestly can't remember the day, he acts like I must not care about it.

I ask him about what makes him hurt so badly and my answer fro him is, "That's MY business - don't be nosey." I know he feels his mom ignored and abandoned him. I know he feels he's in the shadow of his siblings. I know learning the man who raised him wasn't his birth dad bothers him... but nothing I do or say matters. I can't get a good emotion out of him without tearing it out... Negative emotions come freely and in great quantity. :(

He also can't seem to ever feel less pain about past events than when they happened... time is no buffer for him, so when we argue, or he's reminded of something that happened 3-10 years ago, he's just as upset as he was that day. (Does anyone else have this problem?)

I'm just tired - all I get from him is negativity lately... I spent close to $700 to buy tickets for, lodging and travel to see his favorite band ever when they were in our state... all I hear are how we won't see anything from our too CLOSE seats because people will stand, how sucky the hotel was (granted, it was) how bad traffic was (it wasn't) and on and on. It took him two days of being back to even think to say, "thank you" for the trip. I felt like worthless crap. I keep feeling like IF I ever do enough, he'll break and appreciate me - but I'm running out of mountains to climb, here.


"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." - Jubal Harshaw "Stranger in a Strange Land"

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Texas, USA
snowdrop
♀ Member
Member # 23594
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has been such a helpful thread to read. I'd never heard of 'emotional unavailability' before, but it absolutely makes sense in my WH's case, and it is really wrecking our attempts to R.

A few things that other people have posted ring so true in my situatioin. WH also sits silent if I am sharing upsetting news, or if I am upset; I don't know if he doesn't know how to react, or if he enjoys the power / control of remaining silent. sometimes he will make comments like needing to 'control' emotions if I have cried or been upset.

He struggled to understand why we might need to delay a move to another country because my mum was dying; in fact the move went ahead, and Idid a lot of travelling back and forth.

His parents are incredibly Emotionally unavailable. I remember his mother coming to visit when my youngest son was very poorly in hospital. She walked in to the room, say hi, then turned round and asked where she could get a coffee. My little boy burst into tears when she walked out again, and she couldn't understand what was the matter , and why a four year old might have been so thrilled to see his gran, and then devastated when she walked back out!

Another time when we were staying with them my youngest brother was rushed into hospital with a burst appendix. When I put the phone down after hearing the news, I turned and told her what was up. She just said 'Oh.'I actually said 'Did you hear me?' And repeated what I'd said becuase I thought surely she hadn't heard...but she had.

So, yeah, i think it's learnt. I think he's learnt that the 'right' way to be is to hide your feelings. How could he learn otherwise? I do feel sorry for him because he is desperate for his mum's love, yet she can't show it, and he can only talk to her in an angry / irritated way.

So, at the moment, i am doing 180, which as someone already said, suits WH fine. I'm doing it for me while I consider our future. He's been to months of IC.

I can't see him changing because actually, he sees no need to; he can't imagine any other way.

[This message edited by snowdrop at 4:38 PM, November 11th (Thursday)]


Me: BW, 38
WH: 37
2 DS
DDays:first one was Feb 09.
Separating, after 18 months of trying to R.

Posts: 206 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: UK
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh this thread is for me my WH is definately this type. Not that I've learned that he cheated, hid it and lied for years about it and now wants it to be all better with us. I'm not so sure. I think about things that have happened in the past. I know the MC says the past is the past but not if it repeats itself. I was in the hospital once and was very ill(almost died). He never told anyone where I was until he asked to leave early to pick me up from the hospital. Another time I drove myself to the hospital from work becvause I couldn't breathe. I called him and asked to come to the ER, the DR. thought I was having a heart attack. Believe it or not I had to call him more than once to get him to come. Sometimes I can hardly believe I'm still here. Now yesterday I did something stupid. I gave myswlf a concusion. Again I drove myself to the hospital. I called him once I knew I hadn't fractured my skull. I told him that I was going to try and get a ride home from a friend and seeif she would stay would me because I wasn't supposed to home alone for 24hrs. His first question was how were we goingto get the car. He didn't bother to come home early. I am mad at him, but more mad at myself. Our MC says I can;t change him and I don't see where he wants to change himself. I read womehwere that I would rather be alone than be lonely in a M. I reallty had hoped R was possible but now I really don't care and am making plans to move on. Its just hard after almost 25 years.


Me

Posts: 799 | Registered: Apr 2010
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, November 29th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

are there any WS in here than are dealing with a BS that keeps it all inside?
better late than never, but yes Angel....and it's incredibly counterproductive to R...


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5532 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
alreadygone
♀ Member
Member # 11517
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, December 1st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this is a very slow thread.

But.....

Does this resonate with anyone reading here -

I was so very lonely in my marriage, that now that I am years post-divorce, I am still less lonely being alone than I was while married.

It is as though being married with someone who is emotionally unavailable, especially when they won't talk about problems, or blame what they did that was inappropriate on you, or on the "bad marriage" (that was of course never talked about) is actually a soul destroying negative that makes being with the spouse worse than being alone.

Being with someone like that is like being with a negative, so when the negative is gone, and you are alone, the absence of the negative makes being alone a positive.

Just wondering.

Anyone?


Posts: 1011 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: mountain states
snowdrop
♀ Member
Member # 23594
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alreadygone, i can really relate to that.
I was just thinking today that actually, whilst I get lonely all the evenings my H is at work, actually, it's not HIM I miss, it's just company; I have to stay in because we have young children.

When he is away for a few days, and i plan to have friends over, etc., I don't miss him at all, not one bit. Actually, I love pottering round the house, doing what I want, cooking meals the kids and I want, watching what I want on TV. It's just lovely!

I can't leave just yet but when I start full time work, I'm planning to put a little away every month.



Me: BW, 38
WH: 37
2 DS
DDays:first one was Feb 09.
Separating, after 18 months of trying to R.

Posts: 206 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: UK
sadandtrying
♀ Member
Member # 19246
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you all find that you're not getting remorse 100% of the time, rather defensiveness or anger from your spouse who's emotionally unavailable??

YES. I'd say I get remorse about 75% of the time....but my H tends to always reserve a little space for "....if you had/hadn't...then I wouldn't have....(had an A)"

When I need to talk about the A, he gets tense, short, silent, or behaves in a "...not this again...." manner, or, if we are in bed, sometime into the talk he will fall asleep!

I know my H is PA...in fact, IMO my H's A was a PA act....ie, thinks I should *know* what he needs, and then when I don't meet them, stick it to me by having an A.

EU and PA characteristics often go hand in hand.


Posts: 1064 | Registered: Apr 2008
sadandtrying
♀ Member
Member # 19246
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, December 2nd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...So, yeah, i think it's learnt. I think he's learnt that the 'right' way to be is to hide your feelings.

I agree. Everyone in my H's family are, more or less, EU.
Sometimes when I am with them I feel like it's all crazy-making!
There are so many elephants in the room!

My H and I talk about this ALOT, and the progress is slow-going. It runs so deep.

Sometimes I have the stamina to keep trying to move along, and other times I have to wonder why? What is my role in this????


Posts: 1064 | Registered: Apr 2008
staying4thekids
♀ Member
Member # 30521
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does it every work out? My husband doesn't want to talk about the A. It's over. He hates her for telling me and looking back can't seem to understand how he could ever have had feelings for her. Really? He just acts like everything is fine (minus intimacy, we're not near there yet). I am on an emotional roller coaster and he doesn't seem to care. Today I told him that if he doesn't start showing me that he loves me, cares for me, and wants to fix our problems, then he may as well leave. He didn't even say goodbye when he left for work (overnight shift), just "Can you lock the door?". I just feel like, "Why am I bothering to try so hard to make things right, when I didn't do anything wrong?" He didn't like the therapist...so find another! I think he's hoping to find one that will say, "Oh, I understand YOUR feelings and why you would step out on your wife." Our therapist tried to get him to see that what he did is far worse than anything I said or did. He said she minimized his feelings and doesn't want to go back to her. So frustrated.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Dec 2010
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, January 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my...another "club" that has my name on it. I it took me a long time to figure out that my husband had a pornography addiction/sex addiction, but it's all so tangled & enmeshed with being emotional unavailability and passive agression. The addiction and cheating are all PART of the passive agressiveness.

I knew from the beginning that there was an emotional void & difficulty with intimacy, but it took the progression of the addiction and the discovery of infidelity to see how damaged my WS really is.

Unlike in some of the articles--I don't chase after him or try to pull intimacy & straightforward communication from him. When I have done that in the past, my WS goes stone silent until he feels pushed into a corner--then he explodes & tries to intimidate me into backing off. It's just not worth it, so I have pretty much given up and retreated into being emotionally unavailable to him.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Damaged2010
♀ Member
Member # 30085
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I'm pretty sure I belong here, but not sure what to do now! All of these things apply in my situation and I am more confused than ever!!

I get almost no feeling/emotional feedback from him.


WH thinks if we don't talk about it, it will go away. He keeps everything bottled up inside and I have no idea whats going on in his head, what plans he has, if he's still in the EA.

I want someone who doesn't feel it's an act of supreme sacrifice to hug me or kiss me, to tell me he thinks I'm pretty, someone who WANTS to give me flowers... not someone who complains that if he doesn't I'll be sad.

WH also sits silent if I am sharing upsetting news, or if I am upset; I don't know if he doesn't know how to react, or if he enjoys the power / control of remaining silent.

When I need to talk about the A, he gets tense, short, silent, or behaves in a "...not this again...." manner, or, if we are in bed, sometime into the talk he will fall asleep!

I'm quite scared and confused as I don't know what all this means. I will ask why he doesn't "come on to me" anymore and I get a response in a bitter monotone voice saying "I will try to do that more for you damaged" or "I will add that to the list of things I need to do for you damaged". But in all this bitterness and distance he still professes his love for me and insists that nothing has changed. I don't know what to do or think anymore, I'm confused and at my wits end. And I'm scared if I shed one more tear I will dehydrate! I am starting to think I am asking for love from a person who just isn't capable of giving/showing it. So what do we do now?


Me (BS) - 36 Him (WS) - 35
Together 15 years, with four kids-14, 12 and 4 yr old twins.
D-Day-Oct.4th, 2010 FR discovered Oct.7th, 2011 A went on til Jan 2011
"The grass is NOT greener on the other side,its greener where you water it"

Posts: 158 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Illinois
muaythiaguy
♂ New Member
Member # 31911
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i was the emotionally unavailable onr in my marriage untill i went to councilling. It did not take long to figure when and why it started. We did figure out a way for me to cumminacate my emotion and it has worked very. Instead of talking about which is hard for me still (33 yrs old befor i started expressing myself and only 1 yr into express myself so i an like and infant at it. lol) What works well for us is music. If i hear a song which explains how i feel i send i tell my wife about it. We then lissen to the song and this encourages a good hart felt talk. I also joinned a gym where i can release hosital and agressive emotions instead of letting them build up. This might not work for every one but like my counclior said you dont need to revent wheel just learn how to stear it.


wh 34
bs 32
2 kids before
1 kid after
been 1.5 yrs since d-day

Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: alberta
heart_in_a_blend
♀ Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

muaythiaguy:

That is a great idea about the music. Problem with my husband that he says he never listens to the lyrics of a song. I know this is a lie but I can't win.

I always listen to they lyrics even when I sing it wrong.

I still like your idea and I'm glad that you are trying so hard.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
oneheart
♂ Member
Member # 31935
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"are there any WS in here than are dealing with a BS that keeps it all inside? "

Yep 13 years later, my WW wants to avoid any intimacy with anyone including myself. She tells me that she wants to be a hermit. Of course, this does not help me and sometimes triggers past feelings.


Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.
"Trust But Verify"
BS w/WW Married for 20+ years now.
Two nearly grown children.
Dday1: Feb 12th, 1998. Emotional Affair (my friend and coworker)
Dday2: July 1st, 1998. First Physical Affair (her coworker)

Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Southern Indiana
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