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User Topic: Reconciling with the "Emotionally Unavailable"
♀ New Member
Member # 32020
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fit in here...

my FWH doesn't like to talk about his As because he "already feels like shit enough" or he's "moved on from that and doesn't understand why we need to keep bringing it up."

I would say I get true remorse maybe 5% of the time and it's making R impossible right now. How do I get that through to him, though? He's so friggin' defensive all the time!

me: BW 28
him: F?WS 27
married 7 yrs, two DC
DDay 1: 2008
DDay 2: 1/1/2010

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 31684
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes the abbreviations here make me crazy!! What does "PA" mean in this thread? In the Healing Library it is Physical Affair, but I do not think that is what we are talking about here! Thanks!

WS Him
Together almost 10 years, married 5.5, wandering since 2.5 years in our relationship, or at least looking and then wandering after though not exactly sure when, many NSAs, so many lies, says wandered online for first 3-/+ years and onl

Posts: 77 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Member # 3986
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PA in this case means passive aggressive, I believe.

Scout, you got sand. ~DS

Posts: 11741 | Registered: Apr 2004 | From: Solitary refinement
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, May 9th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, PA in this sense means passive aggressive...there's an entire thread on Passive/Aggressive Relationships in the I Can Relate forum...I just realized that not only is my BH emotionally unavailable, he's passive aggressive too...

FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
♀ Member
Member # 30986
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have belonged to this post for ten years, I have been told that WH is wounded from his childhood of being a foster child and that his need for instant gratification is from neglect.

I get about 3% of the affection I want or need and WH Has said that he does not know how to show it because he did not recieve it as a child.

I am left to feel like I am crazy for wanting something so natural, he thinks I should look to the future and stop living in the past.

I have never known anyone to be so scared of talking about emotions

BS (me):44
4 kids, 26, 21,21,19(3 live with me)
3 grands, 9,7(live with me)and 9 months
DDAY October 26, 2010

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 30485
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 13th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I can relate 3% is not a good number.

I have the same problem with my H showing emotions, communicating emotions etc.
My therapist told me to get into group settings with him, so he can learn from others...not learn from my words.

Whoever would have thought not showing or expressing love/care/and concern wouldnt come naturally to the men we choose to marry. Strange but a reality.

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. ~ Rose Kennedy ~

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: USA
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Member # 32452
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 13th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today started out good and now I am tired and it is not so good. I met with my therapist today and my cheating husband is still "undecided" and will be moving out to a temp. place this week. Am I holding onto hope when I should not be? I am doing the 180 but I just can't keep this up emotionally and physically. At what point can I ask, are you moving out to work on our marraige or is it because we are heading for seperation/divorce? My therapist said I need to know as this limbo stage can not continue. He has shown no interest in getting help for himself, he is saying I love you but am not in love with you. But when someone like my Mom asked me to relay that she loves my husband and calls to check on us, he breaks down. Is he breaking down because he knows he is going to cause me and our family great pain? It has been a month since I the confrontation. I had no evidence, just a gut feeling. He won't tell me anything about the OW and trying to find her number on his cell is a nightmare. It is our business line and there are 100's of calls a month.
I will keep up the 180 but the anxiety is getting the better of me.

[This message edited by cobraadvice at 10:01 PM, June 13th (Monday)]

Me 50, WH 50
OW 52, looks older and fake, not worth a 2nd look.
Married 24 years, together 27 years
3 sons,
DDay May 2011
DDay#2 Oct 2011,
Separated for a month, asked to move home, in R and it has its ups and downs but it is now more limbo

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2011
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Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, June 14th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You are really new to this living nightmare and unfortunately have a long and bumpy road ahead of you.

You as the BS have the right to ask him anything you feel you need to ask. He should answer your questions and be honest. This doesn't always happen. Sometimes it takes awhile for them to get it.

Take care of yourself. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. see an attny asap.
Know your options. Post and read here often. There are many wonderful people her to help us get through this.


Posts: 787 | Registered: Apr 2010
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, June 14th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You are really new to this living nightmare and unfortunately have a long and bumpy road ahead of you.

You as the BS have the right to ask him anything you feel you need to ask. He should answer your questions and be honest. This doesn't always happen. Sometimes it takes awhile for them to get it.

Take care of yourself. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. see an attny asap.
Know your options. Post and read here often. There are many wonderful people her to help us get through this.


Posts: 787 | Registered: Apr 2010
♀ Member
Member # 34784
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, February 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy, I belong here.

Where is everyone?

I've read half of this thread, and it doesn't look hopeful!

I read that 180s don't work, as I've kind of figured out the hard way, but is there anything that DOES work?

It seems that the only solution is long term IC. I wish I would have figured that out years ago, before I realized that my actual life-spirit is being damaged.

It's a catch-22 now: I can't stay without the emotional grand gesture, and he wouldn't be capable of that without getting his head inspected for years - if ever.

So sad.

He says he loves me all the time, but he can't feel it. And he definately cannot empathize.

Me: 45
H(Sazerac): 46
M: 25,T: 27

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ Member
Member # 34844
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Juki, I think I belong here too. I read your story. I'm so sorry. Let us know how you get along. I know what you mean about feeling too vulnerable to force a decision - I'm with a new baby, 2 other kids. I'm wondering how long I can put up with this and hoping there will be either a change in WH (unlikely) or a light-bulb moment for me.

Like you, I feel that the 180 is just rewarding him - allowing him to pretend nothing has happened.

I think I need to take time to read the rest of this thread...

Me: BW 40ish
Him: WH 50ish
Married 12 years, 3 daughters aged 0-9
OW: 40ish, coworker with WH
EA+PA since April 2011 (during my pregnancy)
Status: limbo

Posts: 59 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 7th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After checking out a site I realized that I am dealing with a passive aggresive, emotionally unavailable, SA. Jesus, his titles of things that are wrong with him are getting longer the more time that passes.

And he is waiting for ME to change to reengage in the marriage?

As everyone else here, I have been doing the 180 but it really feels like I am rewarding him as he never wants to talk about things related with the affair anyway. He once texed me "Let my past stay in the past". HUH? What ever happens to the fact that you effed up past is now very much affecting my present?

I have expereinced no remorse, no empathy from him, just lots of lies, rugsweeping and blameshifting. He agrees that he is messed up, but he wont even admit to half of what he has done so he won't admit to anything other than his affair. He thinks that he can work on himself and maybe down the road decide IF he wants the marriage. IF? Who says I'm going to just sit on the burner to see IF I want to take his broken, raggedy *ss back?

Our son's birthday is next week, I'm just waiting until after his party to file for divorce. I have had enough. It has been 7 months for me with noprogress. Everything is about him, what about his feelings, his hurt, his pain, his image...He should have thought of that before screwing around on me for 4+ years and documenting everything on video or pictures! He has yet to see what he has done to ME or even his kids. He admits that he has hurt me, but I dont think he thinks further than that. in fact, he doesn't even give me room to express my hurt to him. And when I bring it up to others, he accuses me of bringing other people into our marriage. Didn't he realize he opened a pandora's box the minute he opened his fly?

S,beginning D

Posts: 507 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, July 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have expereinced no remorse, no empathy from him, just lots of lies, rugsweeping and blameshifting.

Wow, I belong her too. My FWH is emotionally unavailable, PA, had a LTA, is defensive when asked questions, just wants to "move on"....the 180 actually rewards him also.

He's been in IC for over 3 years with no progress.

Has anybody here actually had a successful R? I'm thinking I either live with him "alone"....or get out of the M altogether. He tells me that he can't change, it's who he is and I know what I married. Ya right...if I knew back then I would have run a mile.

Hugs to everyone.

BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS is certainly emotionally unavailable. He isn't terribly passive aggressive. Passive, yes, but he's never really acted out when things don't go the way he wants. He has difficulty with empathy. Not so much that I worry about anti-social PD, but not normal.

The good news is, he's willingly in IC with a counselor that he likes. The bad news is, I'm not sure how long I can hang in until he "gets it".

Anyone out there?

BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 707 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 36490
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm still researching all the 'titles' that may apply to my WH, but emotionally unavailable is probably pretty close. i'd even go so far as to say emotionally void.

his parents passed away 3 1/2 yrs ago (18 days apart from each other after 64 yrs of marriage) and he never shed a tear or showed an emotion of any kind. i understand that everyone shows grief differently, but this was, well, just 'not right'.

he and i have discussed his lack of compassion/empathy. he just doesn't have it. i've known this for a long time, and managed to clearly accept it (or ignore it, i can't tell which anymore).

there is much work to be done in my life.

Me: 47yo
Him: 53yo
Married 15; Together 18
"Mid Life Crisis Affair Jan 2011"
I found his hotel charges on the Visa bill. How very Soap Opera.
Two beautiful daughters = my life

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: PA
♀ Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, August 20th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brilliant, another category I now fall in to

I'm sick of feeling so out of control. Another morning lost to SI and I haven't read this entire thread yet.

I'm beginning to think it would just be easier to give up.

You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 296 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here. My WH is completely emotionally unavailable when it comes to helping me heal from his A.

Mine always says the past is in the past as a form of not dealing with it.

I need to read through this whole thread as I am new to this "enlightenment" about my WH.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2248 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 38215
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my husband may fit in with this description.

I've come to terms with things, like that he doesn't respond when I write him heartfelt notes, even when I ask for a response. He keeps things close to the vest. I feel sorry for him. His strength may be his greatest weakness.

Sometimes...I do feel that maybe we live on very superficial planes. Then I think that maybe I'm overemotional and he's normal

...I know he is hurt because I wasn't supportive when at our first visit together, his counselor asked him "how many times have you smiled" and it turned out he had him actively smiling at us.

I was so hurt at the time, all I could think was "you've always frowned at me, then you lied and lied, and had the affair, and now you are FAKE SMILING." I was livid and hurt. He rarely shows emotion and I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Now...I ask. I ask "are you angry, are you upset, are you happy? or just How are you feeling"

I don't expect deep thoughtful responses.

Though he sure does surprise me sometimes. For Christmas he reserved and adopted a kitten I had fostered and become attached to. I promised when I got into the fostering (it was for an internship-human and animal bonding) that I wouldn't fall in love with any animals. But I did. And so did my other cat. So....Christmas Eve he surprises me with my sweet kitten. I named her "Henley" for the singer from the Eagles who sings "our" song.

I cope with the fact that he is often emotionally unavailable. I used to spend a lot of time worrying about what he was thinking. Now I just tell him I'm unsure of his feelings. And I wish I hadn't gotten so mad about the "fake" smiling (which he says was not fake, it was recognizing his emotions and acting on them.) I love it when he smiles.

He also doesn't want to talk about the affair and hasn't for most of our R. But somehow I don't want to either anymore. Inside I think about it. And inside, when he is being unavailable and not completing things I think SHE wouldn't have put up with this.

But I focus a lot on the idea that my happiness is up to me. If he contributes, YEAH, but he's not responsible for it. I can't make him go for walks with me, or do stuff we (me and the kids) want to do. But I CAN do those things without him and create my own happiness. I suppose that he feels the same way about me not understanding sports.

People are so strange aren't they?

I'm glad to have found this thread. Emotional unavailability...hmmm.

BW, reconciled since 2009,
Him 42
Kids 3 Teens

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: NY
♂ Member
Member # 38314
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WP warned about not "wanting to try" before we got together for the second time. I had left the first time because of an incident in which she declared we were not to have sex anymore. She claimed she felt used and had waited until her daughter was coming from out of town to spend the night before she told me what was going to happen. I felt sandbagged; I didn't so much object her stipulation as I felt betrayed by the timing and setup. I had NC with her for 4 months when I got an e-mail saying she found some of my things and was sorry for hurting me. I lost my resolve, began e-mailing back and we reconciled. She moved in with me. It didn't take long before she began to withdraw, to play video games constantly on her tablet, to work until 7 or 8 every night; to go to "happy hour" with her friends instead of coming home and to generally ignore me and my feelings in favor of work. I believe her inability to connect is due to a long history of feeling no worth. Everything I can see in her makes me believe she sought the attention of her OM because she is a lost soul, who is afraid of intimacy because of the risk of making herself vulnerable. My part was projecting my desire to be in her life without recognizing her limits.

Me: xBetrayedBF (xBBF)
Her: xWaywardGF (xWGF)
TT: 12/21/12
Splitsville: 1/6/13
DDay: 7/20/13
In active reconcilliation
"Nobody knows anybody...not that well." Tom Reagan, "Miller's Crossing"

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Orleans, LA
♀ Member
Member # 36310
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to find out what reading materials. exercises etc there are for emotionally unavailable men. I'm pretty sure WH would find them useful in working through reconcilliation as he struggles to verbalise what he feels at times
Hopefully there will be plenty of suggestions....thank you!

[This message edited by tooloyal at 1:22 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: UK
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