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User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kxm - Happy Birthday dude,I wish the D was ion another day, manit is just a sucky sitch. I know how hard you fought and it all comes to naught. But it is getting better and life moves.

Go out and have a tall tastee and enjoy what you can, because tommorrow is a much brighter day.

Sorry about the D

Happy about the Bday.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tim, hey welcome in. Sorry that all of this crap has fallen onto you.

I know that this is just the crappiest answer, but yeah, time is the magic ingredient in the healing process.

Are you guys in IC/MC. If you can do it. It helps with the path.

You are still really close to you dday, I assume. Don't worry too much about trying to rush things. Yeah, eventually it will just happen, as long as you guys are working on things. If she is remorseful and willing to allow you to heal, then it is a good sign.

I guess it all comes down to what you want to do with all of it. Eventually the nightmares and daymares will slow down. Do what you can to take back the bad crap. I know that eventually it gotr to where I hardly have the movies run that I can't force my way past them.

But you have to find that path that allows you to understand that anger is a step in the process.

Now as I read, I will assume that your "beat up W" is a saying, not actual. Because I will say right up front that you can not strike her. Violence will solve nothing at all and only bring more problems to you. Many guys here have many ideas to work it out. Read back and see whats up.

Also, I have found that posting here really lets me get some of the crap out of me, come and vent away.

Tim, man this is such a hard road to follow. The imiages are horrible. I know and so doews all others here. But it will get easier. I was almost a year before it slowed down enough for me to notice it. But I fight the battle one sided. If your W is helping you, then hopefully the journey will be easier and mnore fulfilling. And allow you two to grow , if thats what you want in your heart.

Luck to you bro.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Tim3167
♂ Member
Member # 17195
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for the response.

First of all let me clarify that when I said I want to stop beating her up, I did not mean it literally. I just say things in anger sometimes when the images make me question how she could have made those choices.

Our dday was 11/18/2007. We have been in MC and it has helped.

I just feel so damaged as a man because of what has happened. I think of my wife as so special and the images I have of the sex she had rock those images to the core. I see references to casual sex in movies and tv and now it triggers me because I imagine my wife in that situation.


BH 42 (me)
WW (39) (posts as "Meeko")
DDay #1 11/18/2007
DDay #2 4/2/2008

Posts: 122 | Registered: Nov 2007
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah man I can so hear you. BTW, I understand what your saying about the verbal with W. HOw is she handling it? You know, I do believe that it is all part of the process for you to have to vent it out with her. But at the same time you eventually need to cross that over into something constructive if R is to be successful. Anger is just part of the consewquences of this stuff.

The movies though, it is time. I know that I too trigger at a lot of the sexual tones on TV. Sometimes it is just so hard. If you look around the different forums you'll see that happens to lots of folks. I think most folks here try to reclim it back into their lives. Are you able to be intimate with W. That too is a process. But it seems the more you reclaim this part, the easier it will be to control the imiages.

I wish is was simple, but I haven't rread of any so far. If your W is working with you on this, (have you guys talked about it) you are far ahead of many here. Me for one. I feel like I am fighting this one sided battle.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Bday kxm00!!

Tim3167... read this. You control the images.


One of the worst parts of the whole thing for me
were the images that kept coming into my head about
the affair. I had these visual pictures in my mind of
Ray and that little hussy doing all sorts of ?
things.

I was plagued by them. I felt like I couldn't get them
out of my mind. It was kind of bizarre. I felt like my
mind had a mind of its own. These horrible videotapes
of the affair just kept playing over and over in my mind.

I felt like I was becoming obsessed or something. No matter
how hard I tried, I just couldn't get the images to stop.'

-Kathy Brown

As I mentioned briefly in my last email to you, thinking and
feeling are intimately tied together. What you think influences how
you feel, and how you feel influences what you think.

When negative thoughts come into your mind, they
usually create negative emotions. When you think about your
relationship or the affair, all of the emotions you have been
struggling with bubble up to the surface again, tormenting you
once more.

This means that to completely overcome the feelings you
are suffering from, you need to learn to cope with your
negative thinking as well.

For a great many people these negative thoughts present
themselves as images about the affair that play over and
over in their mind.

You may have had this experience yourself. Do you have
images of what your partner and their paramour were doing
when they were together? Do these images play over and over
again in your mind, seemingly beyond your control?

If so, I've got good news for you. There is a way to eliminate
these images and regain control of your mind if you choose
to.

Remember, you are a human being, and you have the capacity
to control your mind if you choose to take control.

In How to Survive an Affair I offer a visualization
exercise for overcoming the images that are haunting
you. In this email I will give you a basic outline for
how you can start using this exercise to eliminate
the images that are fueling your painful feelings.

Changing Your Vision: A Visulization for Overcoming
Obsessive Images

Take some time now to lay back and relax. Take a few
deep breaths and feel your body unwind.

As you do so, consciously, intentionally bring the image
that you have been struggling with most to mind. Look at
it in as much detail as you can. Hear the sounds and see the
images that appear in your image as if they are happening
right now in this moment.

Once you have the image firmly in mind try thinking about this
as though it were a videotape or a DVD. Imagine that you can
alter the image any way you choose to.

Keeping in mind that you can alter this scene any way you like,
take your image and play it in reverse. Imagine that
you hit the rewind button on your VCR or DVD player
and you are now watching your image as it hums along in reverse.

Once you have done this, press play again and allow the
image to play out the way it was before you hit the rewind button.

Now see if you can alter the physical appearance of the image.
Try and change the size and shape of the people and objects in
the image. Try seeing it as though it were tinted in a different hue.
Perhaps you can make the whole image blue or green or pink.

Once you have done this try looking at your scene from different
perspectives. Try seeing it from high above as though you were
looking at it from a bird's eye. Then try and look at it from
below as though you were a bug watching the scene.

Finally come up with some ways of your own to manipulate the
scene. You may try adding a soundtrack to your videotape if
there isn't one playing, or getting rid of the soundtrack if there
is one playing. You could think about different scents in the room
and alter them as well.

Do anything you can think of with this image. You may even want
to make the people in it look like Mickey Mouse or Donald
Duck.

As you do this realize that this image is completely under your
control. The image occurs inside your mind and you can alter it
any way you choose to. It is in fact your image. You have the
power to change it if you wish to.

Once you are satisfied that you can alter the image at your whim,
bring yourself back to the present moment and see whether or
not you feel a difference in your emotional state.

Most people find a sense of freedom and relief once they realize
they are able to control the images they have been suffering with.
Learning that you are in control of your mind can be a powerful
experience.

But using this exercise is only the tip of the iceberg. In How to
Survive an Affair I offer you a 3 step process for clearing your
mind and owning your thoughts. This exercise actually allows
you to track your negative thoughts, challenge the believability
of them, and turn them into positive self-affirmations that you
use to your benefit.

This technique is one of the core components of the program and
learning how to use it gives you the power to actually take your
negative thoughts and turn them into positive reinforcement.
It may sound like a big claim, but it works. Lots of scientific
data supports this exercise which is a core component of cognitive
therapy.

Now that you have started the internal investigation that is so
critical to the healing process, it is time to start engaging with
your partner a bit more and look at how the affair happened and
how you can keep it from happening again.

Tomorrow I will send you part 5, where I will teach you a way
to safely discuss the details of the affair if you choose to.
For some couples doing this is an important step on the road
recovery.

But you may be surprised to know that some couples don't need to talk
about the affair at all in order to move on. In the next email I will help you
figure out whether or not you need to talk about the affair and exactly
how to do it if you do.

Until Next Time,

Dr. Frank Gunzburg


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tim, it sucks your going through this. As T2G has pointed out a good read. But from hindsight, no your relationship will never be the same a boundry was crossed that never should have been regardless of circumstance. What I have found is many Theripists want ya to focus on what ya have and not dwell on past events. Well the past is a good indication of the future Im afraid. Without total commentment by both parties (The one who cheated admits full guilt, plus an acknowledgement of why it happened.) You cannot move forward.

Because without that it should be taken as "Im so sorry I hurt you, I will better try and hide it next time so you'll never know."

She has to win your trust back, a trust which was totally violated, and could so easily be in the future. Because now you know she has that potential, weakness, rainbow chasing, etc, flaw...

Sorry you found yourself here, but believe me we understand! Your among friends!


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kxm,

Happy belated birthday, what a present, huh!


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tim,

Welcome to the thread and SI.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
SheDoneMeWrong
♂ New Member
Member # 15037
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tim,

Right now, you are going through the hardest thing you'll ever have to deal with in this life. Betrayal, treason, infidelity, deceit....all of it.

So, look at it this way - You be the person who takes this HUGE hit and bounces back healthier and WISER than ever before. Don't let it beat you!!

My D-day was April 15, 2007. I remember how horrible it was. In fact, it still is horrible but I'm much stronger now because I decided that it wouldn't defeat me.

So, c'mon Tim, we are here for you. We have felt the pain and gone through the same shit you are going through. Ask us for advice, joke around, vent, be human.

You will rise above this situation and be stronger in the end. You will NEVER be vulnerable to a hit like this again....EVER!

DON'T blame yourself for that huge transgression she made...even though it is normal to do in the beginning phase of your healing. I know I blamed myself.

Let go and let God. Pick up the Bible and read...it will give you peace and stupify your wife!

SDMW


"Always tell the truth, that way you don't have to remember what you've said" ~ Mark Twain

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Western Michigan
SheDoneMeWrong
♂ New Member
Member # 15037
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A woman who is cheating, for the most part, will feel torn up inside and very guilty. She might make all kinds of rationalizations about WHY she is right to do it. We are hardwired VERY differently (of course there are exceptions - but I find this is the rule) and a woman who cheats will often withhold intimacy from her man as a way of rationalizing she is not "easy" or any number of other words our society calls women who are intimate with several men simultaneously.. The key here, for you is - if she's lost interest in sex with you, and suddenly - she might be getting it elsewhere.


~ Megan Zoile
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 5:14 pm Post subject:

*


It is not difficult to deceive the first time, for the deceived possesses no antibodies; unvaccinated by suspicion, she overlooks lateness, accepts absurd excuses, permits the flimsiest patching to repair great rents in the quotidian.

~John Updike


That vaccination is a doozy, eh?
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 5:34 pm Post subject:

*

Cheating is not an expression of love, nor a way to save your relationship. People cheat when they want to avoid tough decisions, when they aren’t up for the hard work required of a long-term romantic relationship, or are unable to break things off mercifully. They’re completely disregarding the fact that when you cheat, you’re breaching an agreement, specifically that one involving “’til death do you part.”


~ Dr. Yvonne Fulbright
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

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Bornyesterday

Joined: 25 Oct 2007
Posts: 248
Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 2:12 am Post subject:

"Sex with married women is like taking candy form a baby only easier. She ain't going home and telling her husband about it "

"Married women put out like its the last time they will ever get laid"

"Married chicks are easy, they do more freaky shit cause they are desperate"

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:00 pm Post subject:

*

"When you really think about it, sex is a loaded pistol and a messy one at that."

~ Professor Higgins


*
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 3:33 pm Post subject:

*

BACK STABBERS


(What they do!)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
All you fellows who have someone and you really care, yeah, yeah
Then it's all of you fellows who better beware, yeah yeah
Somebody's out to get your lady
A few of your buddies they sure look shady
Blades are long, clenched tight in their fist
Aimin' straight at your back
And I don't think they'll miss
(What they do!)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
I keep gettin' all these visits from my friends, yeah, what they doin to me
They come to my house again and again and again and again, yeah
So are they there to see my woman
I don't even be home but they just keep on comin'
What can I do to get on the right track
I wish they'd take some of these knives off my back
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
Low down... dirty...
(What they do!)
(They smile in your face)
Smiling faces... smiling faces sometimes tell lies (Back stabbers)
(They smile in your face)
I don't need... low down, dirty bastards (Back stabbers)

~ The OJay's


*
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

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sorrybrutha

Joined: 17 Jul 2007
Posts: 610
Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 12:25 am Post subject:

Matt,

Though the song has acquired an ominous significance to me because of its lyrics, I still like the instrumentals of the song. I was teenager when that song came out in '72 and I remember that it didn't stay in the charts for too long for I guess it hit too close to home for a lot of people who were betrayed by their spouses and so-called best friends.

SB
_________________
"If You Could See Yourself Through My Eyes, You Would Never Again Question Your Beauty"

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 12:27 am Post subject:

*


Fucking someone you're not married to is one of the greatest forms of self-indulgence, self-affirmation and forms of self-love known to the human experience. A person who feels entitled to go back for "seconds" must think a great deal of themselves all-the-while feeling little empathy for those they tread upon.

~ Professor Higgins


*
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 2:11 pm Post subject:

*


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry


*
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 2:19 pm Post subject:

*

There is no knife that cuts so sharply and with such poisoned blade as treachery.
- Marie Louise de la Ramee

*
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

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"Always tell the truth, that way you don't have to remember what you've said" ~ Mark Twain

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Western Michigan
SheDoneMeWrong
♂ New Member
Member # 15037
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“Such is the way of an adulterous woman; she eateth, and wipeth her

mouth, and saith, I have done no wickedness.”

(Things haven't changed in thousands of years, eh?)

~ PROVERBS 30:20

"For the lips of an adulteress drip honey And smoother than oil is her

speech."

~ Proverbs 5:3

"We have to distrust each other. It is our only defence against

betrayal."

~ Tennessee Williams
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

Last edited by Matt on Fri Feb 08, 2008 1:01 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 12:59 pm Post subject:

*

"People rarely consider how valuable their marriage is to them until it is at risk."

~ Dr. Gail Saltz


"The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust."

~ Shirley Glass
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 2:11 pm Post subject:

*


"30 minutes of carnal pleasure can cause a lifetime of pain and anguish."

~ Professor Higgins


Now that should be on a billboard next to the high schools and bars.

Matt
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

Last edited by Matt on Fri Feb 15, 2008 6:12 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 2:18 pm Post subject:

*


"So now I'm praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don't think that I can really survive
I'll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I'm praying for the end of time
It's all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you!!!

It was long ago and it was far away
and it was so much better than it is today"


~ Meat Loaf


How many a man has fallen for the old venus flytrap only to get sucked into years of pain, heartache, and servitude?

Matt
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

Last edited by Matt on Fri Feb 15, 2008 6:12 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 4:16 pm Post subject:

"That goes against what I believe morally. That's adultery, and if I'm accused of that, no, that's not right. I have two kids who see that and remember that and judge me. It didn't happen, and it's not to be reported that way."

~Nicole Kidman

(Sure Nicole, sounds like the doublespeak we've all heard, eh?)

"No adultery is bloodless."

~Natalia Ginzburg

"My attitude toward men who mess around is simple: If you find 'em, kill 'em."

~Lynn, Loretta
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

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concernedh

Joined: 16 Nov 2007
Posts: 45
Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 5:13 pm Post subject:

"I did it because I liked how being naughty made me feel"

~My W

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Bornyesterday

Joined: 25 Oct 2007
Posts: 248
Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 3:36 am Post subject:

"I did not have sexual relations with that women..Ms. Lewinsky"
William Jefferson Clinton

"The Devil made me do it!"
Geraldine (Flip Wilson)

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 6:08 pm Post subject:

*


How can people be so heartless?
How can people be so cruel?
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold
How can people have no feelings?


~ 3 Dog Night
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 6:45 pm Post subject:

...he who commits adultery has no sense; he who does it destroys himself. He will get wounds and dishonor, and his disgrace will not be wiped away. For jealousy arouses a husband’s fury, and he shows no restraint when he takes revenge.
(Oh, for those Old Testament days when adultery was a punishable offense)

~Proverbs 6:32-34.


..for a prostitute’s fee is only a loaf of bread, but the wife of another stalks a man’s very life.


~Proverbs 6:26.


Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? So he that goeth in to his neighbour’s wife; whosoever toucheth her shall not be innocent.


~Proverbs, 6:27-9.
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 8:26 pm Post subject:

*


Betrayal is about learning not to idealize external sources.
Author: Linda Talley


God defend me from my friends; from my enemies I can defend myself.
Author: Proverb


You cannot run with the hare and hunt with the hounds.
Author: Proverb


"If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country."
-- Edward M. Forster


“Then you should have died! Died, rather than betray your friends, as we would have done for you!”
~ Joanne Kathleen Rowling

I don’t know how you feel, professor, but I feel like a knife that’s just stabbed a friend in the back.
- Earl Felton, Richard Fleischer

Personally, I don’t like a girlfriend to have a husband. If she’ll fool her husband, I figure she’ll fool me.
- Orson Welles

There is no truer cause of unhappiness amongst men than, where naturally expecting charity and benevolence, they receive harm and vexation.
- François Rabelais

Adultery is the vice of equivocation.
It is not marriage but a mockery of it, a merging that mixes love and dread together like jackstraws. There is no understanding of contentment in adultery.... You belong to each other in what together you’ve made of a third identity that almost immediately cancels your own. There is a law in art that proves it. Two colors are proven complimentary only when forming that most desolate of all colors—neutral gray.
- Alexander Theroux

Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat, then you know he never will.
Author: John D. MacDonald
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 8:33 pm Post subject:

*


"How many times did you go over to his house?" ~ Matt

....long pause....... "Maybe 2 times" ~ Wife


"I don't trust lie detectors!"

~ Wife (after promising she'd take one the day before)

*
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers

Last edited by Matt on Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:05 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Bornyesterday

Joined: 25 Oct 2007
Posts: 248
Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 3:57 am Post subject:

"Integrity is a word often used by those who have it the least."
BY

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Matt

Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 345
Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 5:03 pm Post subject:

*

I am a very open person and very tolerant of LOTS of things in a relationship. Cheating is not one of them, and neither should you. If she is cheating, regardless of how you feel about her otherwise, she is NOT the right person for you. I know it's tough, but you simply have to move on. Remember, you have lots of OPTIONS, and staying with someone unfaithful should not be one of them - it is often a blessing in disguise to discover, and opens a new door to MANY exciting new possibilities! We've all been there, so stop feeling sorry for yourself, and go explore them!


~ Megan Zoile
_________________
~ If you marry a woman who cheats on her husband, you'll be married to a woman who cheats on her husband. ~ Ann Landers


"Always tell the truth, that way you don't have to remember what you've said" ~ Mark Twain

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Western Michigan
Pete4
♂ Member
Member # 18335
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Guys,3 weeks since Dday WW in fog, still in house. OM lives in Mexico, we in Fl
Been an up and down few weeks. Been trying 180 , we both in MC since Jan, WW in IC and me too. I weakened a bit this evening, wanted to feel physically close, she v foggy, sort of pessimistic about R, says M was a problem before.( I had A 6 years ago and owned up to another PA from 14 years back) wish I knew then what i know now. WW said not ready for physical intimacy with me, kind of took me to a sad, teary kind of space. She agreed NC and had one break of it that I busted. We both 2 days ago got rid of her cheating email account. Not sure what to do, felt strong, but want to have closeness,sex etc with WW. Want to stay away from thoughts of her fuxxking om, without any such reservation. She says she loves me,but so much damage etc in M in past. She says stuff like I am here , so that must say something. I felt sort of strong for a bit, have forgiven her,but she still angry, told me a week or so ago she thought she was in love with OM (prick) I emailed him a few times macho type stuff. He has partner GF , cant get their number. Not sure what is next, I suggested she take vacation to UK and or one of us move out while fog is going on. She seems to be interested in what I am up to when doing my 180, but bedtime, is usually the worse time for me, hopes expectations, needs all that stuff. What do you think, a temp move by me, a bolt hole to take the heat out. Fuxk this needy shit. BS me 54 WW 47m OM 52, we have two daughters 17 and 18 at home, they think WW should leave. The A is about 4- 5 months old. Any ideas appreciated. I felt so strong,but if we go out together I feel sort of weak, shitty etc. WW does not want to talk about A. I want to feel strong again.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: US
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Pete. Welcome


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35354 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Pete, welcome.

You know, I guess the question really is, what do you want to do. Do you want to seperate? What happens to the girls? Are they aware of the A?

If she take a seperate holiday or you seperate, how are you going to feel when/if she runs to OM. You need to look at the options and consiquences of each. That way your walking into it with open eyes.

As far as the shitty feelings. Well, I think the sad thing is the fact that time is the healer. If she is in fact in a fog, then she is not going to magicly be interested in you. This is a game so many of know so well. It sucks and it can be so negative to all concerned.

But you do need to enforce NC. Any contact is bad. Also I don't think I would worry about contacting him either. This is something your WW needs to do.

Good luck to you. Keep coming and venting. When and if the fog lifts, hopefully she will see some light and you guys can start working on issues. If she is still thinking about OM, then this is not going to fix anything.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
dontdream
♂ Member
Member # 14303
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well - I made it through another day - it is incredibly painful and it is a sure thing we are divorcing.

I am so lonely now.
I am clarifying what I am missing out on though.
which I guess is a good thing.


--
BH: almost 36 (me)
ExW: 35
DD: 15y
D-Day 2/10/2007
LTA: 15 months with former boss

Divorced on 9/2/08
Happy with myself - accepting of being single.
working on finding a new beginning.


Posts: 406 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Seattle
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dontdream~ Kewl, you were bouncing off the walls some with your post in New Beginings with emotions. What your soon too be XW did is NO reflection on you, her choices, her actions...

You so got to get yourself in a good place way before entering the dating market. All of here have felt those lowest of lows. The common theme is time, thats what it takes. The pain subsides some. Doesn't take away the anger, still got that strong in me a year later... Thier Fucking Bitches! :)


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
dontdream
♂ Member
Member # 14303
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh - I am still bouncing off the walls man.

still wanting to slam my head into the wall to feel the hurt - something different than the pain inside.
I cannot belive how much this hurts - utter abandonement. ugh.

I am trying to post here to stay somewhat sane.

but yeah - wishing I really could end it all.

I truly feel the way I have been posting over in new beginnigns...

I dont really want to date - jst want to be validated ya know?


want to feel wanted...needed...loved...

all of those feel gone to some extent...


--
BH: almost 36 (me)
ExW: 35
DD: 15y
D-Day 2/10/2007
LTA: 15 months with former boss

Divorced on 9/2/08
Happy with myself - accepting of being single.
working on finding a new beginning.


Posts: 406 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Seattle
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Validated for who? Yourself? Dude get your head in the right place. You don't need no one to be validated, just yourself. No other person should have that kinda control over you.

No one will pick you up like you can. Believe me, the first time I found out, I went zombie. 3 months of my life I just could not deal, lost my job, shook me to the very soul. I was a very broken person. Took about 5 different MCs to find one my WW was comfortable with... Basically she wanted one that sided with her, for the A. Not only that but I was put on anti-depressents. I didn't need them honestly, I was just in shock, the person I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with is so easily capable of this. I vested so much of my life and love to her, yet she couldn't see that. So after a year of MC I ended up stepping up in my role, of doing pretty much anything that I had used dishs to trash to laundry, ya name it was my deal to do... Because the reason for her A was because I wasn't doing enough to show I cared... That fucking quack, if I ever run into him his tires are getting slashed!!!

The proper answer should have been: This bitch is a hole, she gunna pull ya down to levels shes experianced in life, and pass the blame on you... Run fast away!

Vent away here though dude, we know exactly how ya feel and how it is.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
dontdream
♂ Member
Member # 14303
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well - I dont know.

I feel like I am unworthy of love.
I feel like I am a failure because my marriage failed.
I fear being alone.
I feel like I may be BPD or NPD or have abandonment issues.
I feel pure terror inside - panicky terror at being alone.

I like being with FWW.
she really has been like a sibling - we treated each other bad - we grew up together - it feels like we will always be a part of each others lives.

so...this is where I am at - trying to get up early and go work out at the gym and be motivated to actually do stuff when I feel no motivation.


it is hard.


--
BH: almost 36 (me)
ExW: 35
DD: 15y
D-Day 2/10/2007
LTA: 15 months with former boss

Divorced on 9/2/08
Happy with myself - accepting of being single.
working on finding a new beginning.


Posts: 406 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Seattle
kxm00
♂ Member
Member # 14075
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the same boat and I'm officially divorced now. It is not something I desired, but it was forced upon me. I still feel pain and miss her very much.

Sometimes, no matter how painful, we just have to accept the fact that we have no control over what others want.

But, events continue to occur that tell me I'm in and headed to a better place. For example...

I found out yesterday that the ex-wife was in an accident late Sunday night.

Apparently, a "deer" ran in front of her around 11 p.m. (aren't deer bedded down by then?), causing her to swerve off the road, jump a curb, go up a hill another 20-30 yards and take out five or six small trees.

She couldn't move her car, so called her friend to come get her, leaving her Jeep in the shrubbery OF MY DEVELOPMENT. (Why she was in my development, I have no clue.) When she returned in the morning, the police were there, impounding her car. The cop accused her of DUI, but had no proof, and instead is charging her with leaving the scene of an accident and two other crimes, of which I am not sure. My development will be charging her for the trees and damage to the lawn and she had to pay $100 to get her car out of impound.

When I asked if she was drinking, she said she had a couple of glasses of wine at dinner, than shared a bottle of wine with her friend before leaving to go home. But, "You know me. It takes more that that to get me drunk." Nearly a bottle of wine on the night, huh?

Mind you, at 7 p.m. yesterday, she dropped my son off with me. That was after dinner and before the half bottle of wine.

I'm guessing her father will buy her out of this one, but her Jeep is wrecked (ha ha!) and it just makes me think more and more that I need to go for full custody.

During the course of our nine-year marriage, I stayed up many nights waiting for her to come home - drunk - from a bar or friend's house. I don't have to worry about that anymore, nor do I have to worry about the financial mess she now created for herself.


D-day: 6/25/06
D-day #2: 8/16/07 Found out for sure she was seeing another OM while we were deciding to divorce, separate or work on the marriage.

Divorced 3/5/08.


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