SoulSearcher, it's interesting that has the calm-down effect on you. When I read that shortly after DDay - I had to make some calls to friends to explain to me why it wasn't permission to just....well, "go off" on the guy. IOW, it had the opposite effect on me.
I think it has something to do with (I think i read this somewhere here on the threads)- 'being religious' is something intellectual,
whereas 'being spiritual' is something in the heart.
It resonated with me. And I'm thinking that because it (Prov. 6) has that effect on you - (& not me, notice)-
that you're probably more spiritually inclined - in your heart,
than you give yourself credit for.
I admire you for that.
Do you know anybody IRL where the W had the A and the M survived?
Every M I know of, where the W had the A has ended.
I know of several M where the M had the A and they are surviving or the W doesn't know.
I know of none, where the W did that didn't end in D. It makes me sad and lonely.
I bet on the Wayward board, there's some M's surviving where the W had the A. In fact, is that not the case with "The Founders"?
(sounds so...fantasy/scifi, doesn't it?)
There's hope, I do believe it.
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
I don't know anyone in IRL who had a M where the wife cheated. I probably know them, but it's never been disclosed to me.
On a totally unrelated note, has anyone been down with all the news about Spitzer? For some reason, it triggered a bit of depression in me. I couldn't turn on the TV without hearing about infidelity in America or "should his wife stay," etc.
It made me feel sad for our country. And I really hate it when you hear some pundit or other person say they don't care that he cheated (ala Clinton) it's his personal business.
Clearly, those people have never been on the other side of it all.
I agree that I find the founders and the couples in reconciliation here completely inspirational, yourself included.
However, IRL, I don't know anybody. That is what I am asking.
Oh, IRL is "In Real Life".
For women it is the key thing and even with their desire for sex with OM the EA makes the attachment so much stronger. To justify the A they demonize us despite any good traits we have. They end up with a much deeper fog.
I read an article that men who want to save the M try much harder than women and I tend to believe it. I think we are in the subset that wants to save our M and our kids at all costs. The other men instantly decide to give up and do not try at all.
That makes it so much harder for us as I think many of us fall into a form of doormat category. In reality it is we think of the big picture. We all have a lot of life to live and it will never be the same and untainted but can become something better in so many ways. SO much at stake. Years of life, our children etc. I think we are fighters tooth and nail. We are very strong despite the immense pain and the mind images that us men tend to get.
[This message edited by 64fleet at 1:02 PM, March 21st (Friday)]
Each WW has their own reason for an affair.
In some cases, I'm lucky. My WW didn't fall in love in OM, though she did consider him a friend. She did like the attention, and found the sexually charged attention very flattering for a 40 year old mom. She paid in sex to keep that attention coming.
I think that's relatively common among women who have been sexually abused, there's enough BH and WW's posting there that say similar things.
She didn't want to leave me and didn't fall out of love.
On the bad side, SAb does a number on people, I think it's the root of her depression, and she's been a mess for the last three years.
"you cannot control other peoples actions, only our reactions" - me.
I too am in the throes of dealing with SAb and infidelity. But I can say this, the more I read and the more experience, I am convinced that this SAb is such a wicked catalyst in someones life. It reaches into almost every aspect and it has such a control. And, as with my W, they get so afraid of confronting it. Just too much pain and anger issues.
You know as to the threads, as said, you will get to reconize which ones to avoid. Later on you can venture in and see. I will post in some, but generally if is an open question. If it is a vent, then I allow it to remain so. You would be surprised at how the ladies will defend the good men that are here. They jump general statements. It is what makes things safe here.
For you new guys, just be careful of trigger threads.
Good to see the thread active again.
Like my name says Im Twice torn, First time was 2 years into a 10 year M. I was devistated, and wanted to so despretly to save my M. My XW past SAb was never revealed at the time. She pretty blamed our M on the A, saying things like I wasn't doing enough, giving enough attention to her, etc...
The bottom line is, they need to address the SAb, because thats the reason behind the A's. They have a stunted reality of what intimacy is. Sex is a way to get attention, in their screwed up minds, it acceptable if they don't get caught.
Unless those demons have been tamed and addressed fully, its gunna happen again. Like a moth to a flame, when the situation presents itself. The thing to remeber is the A's aren't about us, or the M. Its simply something they feel will fill a void that they feel is missing. My XW knew full well how this effected our M the first time, and the hurt it caused. For her it was just about hiding it better, and to better prepair herself fincially if found out by stashing cash.
She knew what she was doing, this time she covered her tracks. Had people that she knew would cover for her, she felt that she would continue on having A's waiting till her father pasted. Because she knew it would be a large sum of money, something to run with. Her actually admitting she has a problem is still something that will never happen, she can blame everyone else before herself. She was planning on just leaving me, with whatever she could steal, and grab. So when that time came it would just be left with nothing and lots of bills and wondering WTF. It was me that was standing in front of the rest of her life and happiness of having multiple boyfriends vying for her attention.
Thing is guys, if your W is SAb and had an A, the root problem needs to be addressed. They need to actually work through their past, really understanding how to be healthy... Unless they do this ANY R isn't going to work. No amount of love is gunna save someone that doesn't know what love is...
We met in Junior College and everything clicked. We decided that I would hold off on finishing my education until after she was completed. I went out and got a full time job to support us during this time. The plan was after she graduated, that we would switch so we both had our education. Also during this time, we purchased a home in a nice neighborhood (not rich but not ghetto). We were both 21 when we got married and bought the house.
She was closing in on graduation which was in December '07. She left me via the "Dear John" letter method in October while I was out of town with my dad at a NASCAR race. We were not fighting and it completely blindsided me. I thought everything was good and that we were doing well for our age but I guess I was wrong. I told her that we could save our marriage and that I would do whatever it took but she wanted it to end. She was pushing for a divorce very fast...faster than I thought was normal but I was still holding out hope that we could reconcile.
Right before Christmas, I found out why she was pushing for the divorce so quickly. She was having a continuous affair with another man and was pregnant. She did not know if it was his or mine. She was pushing for a quick resolve to try and get a better divorce settlement. My entire world came crashing down...
A few days later we found out the child was his. Doctor's pinpointed the rate of development with a November conception date. I had not had relations with her since the beginning of October and it was protected because we wanted to wait on kids until after we were both finished with college.
Now she won't talk to me and is shacked with him living in an extremely poor neighborhood and they are barely squeeking by financially. He's a minimum wage lot boy at Home Depot! She's saying to her friends that she loves him and that they are going to be together forever. I thought well maybe he's better looking...everyone I have talked to said he's not, I guess he's about 100 lbs. overweight.
How do I move on? All avenues of any hope of reconciliation were pretty much shut down once she got pregnant. Even if she wanted to reconcile now, I don't know if I could handle waking up to the product of that infidelity everyday. I don't know if I could give that child the love it needs.
I'm a Christian and don't know how not become an angry and bitter person over this situation. Has anybody ever had to deal with this kind infidelity before?
I'm a fellow Christian and the whole divorce thing was hard for me to handle on many levels, not the least of which was spiritual. It doesn't help a whole lot, but the Bible does grant one reason for divorce - adultery.
You are a young man, and have a lot to live for at this point. I would imagine the division of assets would be quick and easy and you don't have any children. You will do well to move on at this point.
The hurt... well that is something only you can deal with on your own. Talk about it often to friends and family and here. It helps.
As to my religion, I haven't been to church at all since this all happened to me last summer, but I'm going to start going again next week. The bitterness toward God subsides eventually.