It made me very angry to find out and I sent off a few expletive filled text messages and e-mails to the ex.
A few hours later now and I'm calming down and going back to moving forward. It still felt good to tell her that I know the truth and that she is a whore. I don't think I will ever get tired of calling her that.
Never be afraid of the truth
Anyway, we are here with you my brother. I have had a hard time finding other BH's also and this site does a lot of male bashing, last thing I need right now. Anyway, lets all communicatre. Any BH's please send me a message and maybe we can set up a good BH thread!
A misconception! Please do not take SI gals bashing the WH's as male bashing in general. They are very keen that us guys are here. Their rants are no worse than some of us calling our WW's whores (a word a refuse to use for my STBX). She was abused when she was little and I suspect that factor plays a huge role in our current situation. Unless she gets some help she has a long row to hoe in life. Regardless I will not call her a whore as in doing so I am calling the mom of my three wonderful DD's the same... and that I will not ever do.
kxm00... I will be going to my grave without the truth.
Sexual abuse triggers some bad shit, including personality disorders. If the WW has one, it's pretty bleak.
Ya know, it seems so often that us all talk about this. But yep, why the hell didn't I understand the warning signs earlier.
My XW has 4 sisters, my XW is the youngest. All of them SAb and physical abused. of them 4 of them are D now.
The oldest is on her 3rd M, 7 kids, all different fathers. As a teenager she lashed out, drug use, even was a prostatute for awhile. Met her first husband, they had an open M. Wasn't till she was preg with her 1st D did she go to rehab. There she met husband #2 plenty of infidelity on both sides. That one ended 5 kids later. Then #3 came along, #7's father. She a very demanding, and much a control freak. I remeber one time I gave her 13 year old son a caffinated pop, he asked for one outta the cooler. How was I to know, but from that point on, it was keep a distance. Personally I don't like to be talked down too.
Sister #2 was pretty quite, Got pregnant in Highschool, got an abortion. Was married for 11 years, finally ended after H decided to live with a OW. One child, shes 18 now. Didn't see much of her to be honest, only at special family events and such. Very distant and not talkative.
#3 Sister 11 year M, 2 kids. Neat freak to a T. She had always made it clear to her H she wasn't happy for whatever reason. Her XH is a great guy, and still a close friend. Recently found out his second child isn't biologically his. He still will step up to the plate, and not care, he feels he raised um, their both equally his kids. My XW always said negitive about him, and I would always take his side, she hated that. I just didn't trust this sister, she took everything she got for granted, and just focused on negitive. This guy really put in the effort for his family. You just see it when he has his kids.
#4 Sister, This is the one that gave me the info, the 411, about the family. Shes the one still married, rocky one at that, but shes working through her own demons. The polarizing moment for her was when she was seperated from her H, and her daughter got SAb, at a campground. That was a wake up call, to the past. I think the big pull away from her family was when she told her mother what happened to her child. Her mother just said she said the same thing when she was that age. They moved after that 100 miles away. She still is in IC, trying to get a handle of it, admitting the past of what happened. Its crazy shit to be honest, their father beating them like that. Them stiching up each other with thread, after a beating. All of them raped, and abused by their cousins, Uncle, and Father.
To someone that never had BTDT in life I can't imagine.
In all honesty, I always suspected my wife was a victim of sexual abuse. She never admitted to it, but all of the clues have always been there.
I frankly don't care anymore. The anger I feel right now trumps anything else. I'm actually embracing and accepting my anger at this point, instead of pushing it to the background.
The oldest was probably abused, maybe even by a priest (a priest was a close friend of FIL), she's pretty much confirmed that DW suffered abuse, but won't admit it in a family gathering. She was a wild teen, into drugs, eventually ran away, became a prostitute, is on her second marriage raising some messed up kids.
The middle sister, a little younger than DW, is fairly normal, though full of guilt and terrified her husband will leave her.
The youngest sister is an unwed mother and has never had a relationship last more than a year. She has severe anger issues and may be an alcoholic.
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." -Albert Einstein
"Think of a
You need an abondoned car and a sledge hammer
Hey guys, I just wanted to get something out there, I don't have a lot of time today but I have had such a roller coaster weekend. I guess my W would fall into the emotionally unavailable catagory. I understand that and I accept that it is . But it is really dragging me down. And I am coming up on my DD bday and the anniv of her accident. It has me really spinning at times. And then the business with HB in general has set some of off and going again. I feel so for her and her family and I do not want to post this in General because I do not care to deminish what has happened in her life, and it has had such a great response from the entire community here on SI.
But I am really struggling. I find myself detaching myself forom my life here just to try and survive.
You know, I know my W has lots of issues and I know that she has not donew many of the things I need to heal, but at the same time I think she is operating at her limit. She doesn't have anythiong else to give most of the time. If I broach the subject, she almost immediately hits overload and shuts down. And she will not seek out help for it. But all in all she is trying. She has done nothing outwardly to cause concern. She has limited contact with her boss (EAOM). She is expressing her love for me. She is getting more physical. She is doing lots of what I need, except for the emotional stuff. I feel like half a person sometimes. And with all of this other crap, just feeling lost.
I just wanted to get this out there. Not looking for anything, just unloading without details.
[This message edited by hurts at 11:58 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]
It's been a long time since I visited this thread, took a little moratorium of sorts for a while as I was uncomfortable of xW (who is a SI member, although a very infrequent poster) reading my posts.
Have gotten past that, in fact I wish that she did read some of the stuff I write now.
KXM: I am sorry to hear about essentially another d-day. At least now you can start processing from a proper foundation. I've found that about 8 months after finding out 90% (will never get the whole truth) the anger phase is gone. It has allowed me to look at everything much clearer, both my xW's actions, and my own, both pre and post d-day. I shudder when I read some of the stuff I wrote to her in chats a year ago. I always knew I was angry, but only reflecting back on what's written in black on white do I see really how raging I was inside. I'm glad I'm past that. Not so say that I don't get the odd flash, but most of the time that's about the xIL's or the OM, and they pass very quickly. Now there's mainly a feeling of sadness about losing what could have been a great life together if she's only spoken to me. Clearly I didn't help with the communication, and something I've been working hard at.
Hurts: Mate, it truly hurts to see you in your situation. Your W cannot be a happy person, can she? Does she want to live her life the way she does? Life is too short for long term misery. I hope you find the right path.
"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper
I didn't know this thread existed. I would have been reading it a while back now.
Hope all you guys are holding up well.
"The Main things are the plain things, and the Plain things are the main things" - Alistair Begg
Every one needs to believe in something, or they will fall for anything...