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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
Survivr
♂ New Member
Member # 19155
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is good thread. I wish more guys would post.

Since you asked..

I have a question about anger. You occasionally hear about guys that find their wife in bed and kill (or try, anyway) the other guy. I can SO relate to that. I didn't know I could feel so much hate. I'm not going to actually do anything, but it makes me curious.

Did any of you do anything vengeful against the OM?

If you felt the way I describe and have gotten past it, how long did it take and how did you do it?

Thanks in advance..


Me: BS, 30's
Her: FWS, 30's
M: Yes
D-Day #1: 4-8-08
D-Day #2: 5-4-08
R, hopefully

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2008
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Suspicious  Posted: 12:47 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still get angry(3 months since I found out). I run I swim I drink more beer now.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still get enormously angry at 18 months out. I kick my neighbor's dogs.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just learned a valuable lesson - for me, ok...

outside of catching them in the act -

the slow-burn stuff...the if I ever stuff -

I am learning to direct my anger at satan.
he's the one who is using these people as pawns - yes, they made the choice

Choices! But, in the end, imagine - just imagine! what it'll be like standing on the parapets of new jerusalem, the holy city -
it is measured!
it is huge!
@ the size of new england!

imagine watching the final destruction of the wicked.

i aint got nothing like that.


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question about anger. You occasionally hear about guys that find their wife in bed and kill (or try, anyway) the other guy. I can SO relate to that. I didn't know I could feel so much hate. I'm not going to actually do anything, but it makes me curious.

If the OM had been any closer than 4000 miles away on d-day I would probably be in jail today, and the OM would still be eating from a straw. I doubt anything that first weekend would have stopped me, and I'm much bigger than the OM is.

My father sat down with me and said "They've taken 3 years from your life, don't let them take any more". (My xW had a 3 year LTA.)

I can promise you that the anger does fade. That's not to say that I don't get the odd flash when I wish evil things would happen to him (he's getting married this year, in weak moments I pray that she cheats on him), but most of the time he's hardly a speck on the radar of my life.

I realised after a long time that although he's pond scum, he didn't lie to the priest at the altar, my xW did. It was her choice to cheat. While he behaved despicably, he didn't promise me anything.

Don't bottle things up, but also don't actually go ahead, only bad things can happen.

The worst cliche is true, time does help. I'm now 21 months post d-day and anger is rarely a part of my life.


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
Wreckedboy
♂ Member
Member # 17004
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still bitter as F*CK! I still think about kicking his ass and worse, but rationally, I know that it'll never happen. He's a cop and he has a HUGE ego and torments people just because he thinks he can. I guess that has been my saving grace. I believe that (hopefully) he'll do himself in just by his behavior. My wife wasn't the first and won't be the last. I'll let the next BH put a bullet in him and then I'll piss on his grave. Can you tell I f*cking hate him? He's not worth going to prison for and neither is she. It's been 14 months and I still have a lot of anger. I still never let my guard down around my wife either...just the kids. I know, disfunctional!


Wreckedboy

D-Day: 2 Feb 07
Me, BS, 35 y/o
Wife, WS, 33 y/o
Married 9 years
Twins- girl & boy 5 y/o


Posts: 78 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question about anger. You occasionally hear about guys that find their wife in bed and kill (or try, anyway) the other guy. I can SO relate to that. I didn't know I could feel so much hate. I'm not going to actually do anything, but it makes me curious

Course ya are, but it takes 2. Think about it this way, did your W give you full description based on any truth? What makes ya think this dude knew what he was getting into?! The OM is just stuck in the crossfire at times... Other times course they know exactly what they are getting into. No amount of beating will change a person like this.

Refocus your energy on the problem at hand. The OM isn't the problem...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
steelcity1
♂ Member
Member # 17437
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, April 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad I found this thread.

I've been through seven months of hell.

Dday, one month of gaslighting and lies, then divorce process, then divorce.

Here's the sucky part: I still have to live with WW (now ex!)
Due to the bad real estate market (and custody concerns) I at first had no choice but to stay. Imagine being handcuffed to a remorseless, foggy, still cheating WW for months! It has been hell!

The silver lining: I finally said to heck with it, got my own place lined up for May 1. Please send good thoughts that the house sells (I will be supporting two households until the house owned by me and the ex sells!)

Thanks to all. I am so glad for S.I.

I am moving forward. I have lost forty pounds since dday, dating, now see how unhappy I was in a loveless marriage. The true me coming out. Got 50/50 custody. Its all falling into place for me. It's all about ME now; soon, the EX will be a rare sighting in my life and only because of our DD that we share.


DDay: 09/30/2007
Me: BH: 43
WW: 46
One child: age 10

Divorced: March 18, 2008.

I recommend all BS get a "Livestrong" bracelet and wear it; its helped me tremendously!


Posts: 299 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: South Florida
Lonerider
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Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a Hell of way to do it, but I'm glad things are looking up for you steelcity.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Survivr
♂ New Member
Member # 19155
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What makes ya think this dude knew what he was getting into?!

Refocus your energy on the problem at hand. The OM isn't the problem...

The OM knew what he was doing. He met her through me, was unfulfilled in his own marriage, so decided to seduce my wife. After weeks of flirting and innuendo, he succeeded. EA, then PA.

You're right. He isn't actually the problem. If he was, he'd be part of the solution, and there isn't anything I could do to him (or that he could do) that would help fix things now.

It's just another way all this shit is so unfair.

I'll deal with it, and try to better focus my energies towards reconciliation instead of hate. It's good advice, even if I don't want to hear it, or am unsure (right now) how to act on it.


Me: BS, 30's
Her: FWS, 30's
M: Yes
D-Day #1: 4-8-08
D-Day #2: 5-4-08
R, hopefully

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2008
thyme2go
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Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OM knew what he was doing. He met her through me, was unfulfilled in his own marriage, so decided to seduce my wife. After weeks of flirting and innuendo, he succeeded. EA, then PA.

So... does the word "No" not exist in your WW's vocabulary?? What TT is saying is that she chose to do what she/they did. If not this guy it would have been somebody else.

Think about it. Beating the crap out of OM still leaves you with a WW that can't say no. Focus on your relationship with her (if you so choose) so you can move forward to a hppy, new normal.

Beating up OM will leave you in trouble and full of regrets.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Kuwaited
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Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was never mad at the OM.

I directed all my anger and blame at my ex. She is the one that broke the vow to me. Not him.

The OM had a pissed off wife at home. Any anger I might have mustered would have paled in comparison.

That's not to say I didn't have choice opinions about him. I mean after all...he was a married man with 3 children at home..cheating on the wife of man (with 3 children at home). Useless excuse of a man all the way around. Not really worthy of my wasting anytime time being angry at him.

[This message edited by Kuwaited at 1:43 PM, April 21st (Monday)]


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8446 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
Tim3167
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Member # 17195
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been in contact with the OM through e mail. I know this is a no no and it has to stop soon but he still works with my wife and has been promising he is leaving. I was just following up on his status and asked him what my wife was to him anyway. They had started out as friends and while they were messing around they never talked about love or romance or of leaving their spouses. I mentioned something about being angry that he just waltzed in and causaully almost destroyed my family.

He replied that they were just friends that went to far. He never intended to take her away from her marriage. He says he is so sorry if anything he said led her to believe he was taking her away from me and her family. He says he's terrible but not that terrible. Please keep in mind he slept with her for 3 nights in a row while on a business trip.

So against my better judgement I replied back. I just couldn't let that statement sit without a response. He somehow thought it was better just to want to have sex with my wife but not want to take her away from me.

Of course she's guilty in all of this. She made the choices and she owns that. Having said that however, he was a trusted and senior member of her department. He started complimenting her on her work and her appearance and she ate up the validation. He initiated blackberry texting with her and again she ate up the attention. He started flirting and she started flirting back. I think you get the idea.

So yeah, I think he's a slimeball and I don't neccesarily believe that if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. I think we should have been more connected in our marriage and she needed to be aware of boundaries more but in the end it was a bit of a perfect storm with this shithead at the 65' rogue wave.

My MC has talked to me a bit about projection and how I get angry because I assume he is proud of his "conquest" of my wife and feels superior to me. For all I know he could be miserable. I mean she did end it and chose to stay in the mariage after I confronted her. I do feel like I need to do something to prove to this guy that he didnt get the bext of me and that my wife truly loves me and he will forever just be a terrible mistake to her.

[This message edited by Tim3167 at 2:35 PM, April 21st (Monday)]


BH 42 (me)
WW (39) (posts as "Meeko")
DDay #1 11/18/2007
DDay #2 4/2/2008

Posts: 122 | Registered: Nov 2007
JoePike
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Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am moving forward. I have lost forty pounds since dday, dating, now see how unhappy I was in a loveless marriage. The true me coming out. Got 50/50 custody. Its all falling into place for me. It's all about ME now; soon, the EX will be a rare sighting in my life and only because of our DD that we share.

Glad to hear Steel. I have too trimmed down nicely, and during my post D "crazy time" (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=228533&HL=13207)
I was shocked by the interest the other sex showed in me.

That time came and went quickly, and I now have a great SO.

he was a trusted and senior member of her department.

Tim, it might be time to force his hand. HR would be all over a situation like that, especially if he's your wife's boss. Highly inappropriate behaviour, and it still would have been if it was with a single woman.


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
Tim3167
♂ Member
Member # 17195
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So last night I had a dinner meeting for work and I'm feeling pretty good about myself...these people from another geographic area wanted to meet with me to talk about things I am an expert in. Well somehow their day tomorrow comes up and he mentions that he is meeting with shithead OM and wanted to know if I knew him.

Ugh...felt like a punch in the gut. I said..yeah I know him. I should have said to say hi to him from me.

It's like all of a sudden I feel so much less confident about everything. Again he inserts himself into my life (all because he inserted himself into my wife ). I know that I have to take the power away that I am giving him....but it's sooo difficult...


BH 42 (me)
WW (39) (posts as "Meeko")
DDay #1 11/18/2007
DDay #2 4/2/2008

Posts: 122 | Registered: Nov 2007
shyguy
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Member # 18281
Angry  Posted: 1:00 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tim is right on. My self esteem is still very low after 3 months. I don't know when it will get better.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
TwiceTorn
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Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will get better ShyGuy. Just as anything time wears the hurt off. But its totally dependent on how long you keep going on living in the same circumstance that caused ya too hurt.

I think its human nature to patch it up, and blame it on some outside source that caused this upon us. The OM's (I got over 15 on the last go around!) Don't matter, they are not the problem, they just knocked on the door, someone let them in. Its the person that let them in, because thats where the trust boundry was broken.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will add more... Just as a Betrayed man...

I forgave her the first time, I jump through the hoops she placed in front of me to win back trust. I was told I wasn't doing enough in the M and thats why the W was so stressed to have an A. My W had picked that great counselor that pretty much under played her game. I feel for it, my obligations, and work for the household increased, because this was something of a workable angle to make it ok for my wife to cheat, since she was way overwhelmed... Its all Bull Shit, she was looking for an excuse, I was looking at saving my marriage. That middle ground never really exsisted long term, I just gave her more free time to persue what ever...

They will blame anyone to not admit to the the true guilt of their own actions. All we are is an excuse, in thier eyes, till they really deal with facts.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
CaseyInWPBFL
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Member # 19117
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TT--

That all sounds soo familiar to me.

Our MC (female of course), has determined that what I need to do is be more patient and loving as she works out her feelings for the other guy. Loss, sadness, and now anger (she finally figured out that this guy was playing her just to get into her pants. Surprise!) are the emotions that she's feeling towards him, and she's making this BIG sacrifice to work through that--all the way back to her childhood--while I get a list of things to do.

She has too much pressure in her life, so I get to take some of the load off by doing more (now almost all) of the cooking. Do the grocery shopping. Do my own laundry. Be the dad to my daughter.Etc.

AND, be more loving and more available to her as she works through this painful time in her life.

Oh, and sorry about the emotional distance she maintains between us. She has so many things to work through that sex and intimacy wouldn't be "true to herself".

Uh. Hello!?

Anyway, this is my second time doing this as well. Third actually, as I forgave my first wife (married very young and stupid) only to be chumped again. At any rate, my radar is up and my anger is too, and I think that's a healthy thing despite what the MC says.

C


Me: BS 50
Her: WS 51
Date of Discovery: Feb 1st, 2008
Married 20 years.
15 month affair between her and co-worker.
One teenage daughter.
Status: Working on recovery

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: West Palm Beach, FL
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Casey,

I question the competence of your MC, does she have much experience in infidelity?

One of my books (After the Affair or Not Just Friends) says the partner that's less engaged in the marriage is more likely to cheat, they have less to lose.

I think you should be able to air your emotional needs in MC.

I remember supporting my wife when she was mourning the end of the A, I think she was mostly just angry that Om was using her for cheap sex. Hello, you're a 41 year old woman, why are you suprised that a guy is manipulating you for sex.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
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