Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would get to the heart of the matter that caused her to stray. There is always a root issue, a boundry was crossed, and now that you found out, she is caught, and apologizing. You need to find out why that boundry was so easily crossed.

Without knowing this and what to put in place to prevent it from happening again...

Boy it's fun being a guy here
It's amazing how we all go through pretty much the same thing

Yep WH5 and a wide swath of finding out. I can only imagine if I didn't find out the way I did the second time. The first time I found out on WW computer during the early years of our 10 year M. I so wanted to save my M that I basically threw logic and reason out the window. I was the scapegoat in the M, I was the one to blame. I wasn't doing enough, I wasn't showing enough, ETC... I pretty much put myself through hell just to make her stay. She skirted off any responsiblitys, or owning her actions. WW even went through numorous MC's that would see it her demented way.

So the last time 15 confirmed OM's later and me finding out via an anomyamus Email. She pulled the same exact set of lies, same blame on me. Telling me she had to do it because she wasn't happy with me...

This time its her deal 100%, I wasn't gunna be a doormat no longer, its MY LIFE! I was done with her. Filed D pretty much right away. I do think she thought I would do the same thing as the first time, and be a doormat. I would have loved to see her face when she was served at 10 am at the school she teaches at. Honestly, my story, I got a fricking best selling novel on my hands... Even by SI standards...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think i see it.
walking with two knives in my heart
on a saggital plane
sorta three Cartesian
x, y, & z'in.

Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

still prayin, though!

Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spill it dude, why ya feel this right now. Its hard but beleive me leting it all out really realises it out. Vent away dude!


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just my late nite vent. Wife lied yet again 9 months out. I will say I have been guilty of the doormat title. Two kids at home with me right now while she lied to go out to the bars. Why do they put us in this position?

I like this analogy of what it is like to be a BH with a super foggy WW:

It is as if you stand on a razor balde. Bleeding a lot. Two pits. One lava another spikes. Jump in the lava pit have pain forever but keep the kids 100% or jump onto the spikes and eventually heal but have scars from destroying the family and the kids lives.

Thank you WW for the worst point in my life EVER.

Sorry to vent. It was for all of us!


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep welcome to the position of having to face the choice of losing everything we worked so hard for. Kids firstmost and foremost.

You WW choose this role, its not our responsiblity to live it. She broke the family due to her own actions. You need to get to place where you can build from, not reliant on the past. It plain the hell sucks for us BH's with kids. We get about the shortest straw one can draw. Everyone is on the mothers side, everytime. Sucks...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Suspicious  Posted: 7:38 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That does suck.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
HaiHaus
♂ Member
Member # 18118
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey jjct,

I like your math poem, what's up?

Shyguy, I grew up outside of Tulsa and went to TU.

Lostcause111 - What happened? How are you?


"How poor are they that have not patience!
What wound did ever heal but by degrees" Will S.

Posts: 503 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Houston
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well hi Hai!
I'm in a more stable, less dramatic situation than some. While I decompress & try to get my bearings on what happened & why, I saw myself as if from above (by only a few feet) -
and I saw a knife sticking out of my chest in front - though she kept her affair secret, my first wife at least had the *decency* to file D. (I was served on Christmas that year, alone in the house while she and the boys were visiting relatives).
Another protruded from my back, from this latest one -
I was feeling pretty lonely & *done*.

I joined a local hiking/social club, and have begun to get out - playing softball (but not coed, yet?), tennis.
It's a good thing to do - to get out in that setting. I don't like bars, which is funny, being in Austin...& my mind/heart is not into even considering a woman at this point...
But it's strange. So, I'm trying to learn what this *new normal* is about...
I hope all you guys are doing all right through this. I think I'm gonna be ok...


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh! and I became a grampa april 5th. Oldest son (22) had a baby girl...
Life does go on.

Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, what great timing, jjct.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Haihaus Go TU!


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

& if any of you guys are dealing with the tornadoes, earthquakes, volcanoes -
I got NUTHIN to gripe about.
Seriously.
Be well, prayers for your safety!
& thanks LR!

[This message edited by jjct at 3:59 PM, May 12th (Monday)]


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys, I want to post something here that really emberasses me and humiliates me, but I think this is something that has to be shared.

For those of you who may wonder how your wife could have sex with another man, and yet still love you, let me tell you my experience.

First off, please don't flame me. I know what I did was reprehensible, disgusting, and shameful. I got hit with the karma bus as full force because of what I've done.

Having said that, I was a SOM twice. I had two ONS's with two married women before I was married. I was in the military, as were their BH's. Both of the BH's were deployed at the time.

What I'm writing about here was WS #2. I met her through my brothers' wife. She was kind of bored with her H on deployment. I had just come back from a 2 year tour in Japan and was planning on spending my month of leave with my brother and his wife. My brother worked all day, and his wife was a stay at home mom. By about the 2nd week of my stay, she was kind of sick of me and asked her friend to show me around town.

Now before I got foisted off on this woman, I had met her about a week before. She was talking about how much she missed her H and couldn't wait till he got back so she could have her way with him.

I thought "how cool! lucky dude". I had no designs on her whatosever.

After about a week or so, we had started hanging out pretty regularly. Then it happened. One night after a party at her house, I lingered until all the other guests had left. I made a move on her, which she initially rebuffed. I thought "ok, I'm not going to push". Later on, she grabbed my hand and led me to her bedroom. You all can imagine what happened next.

The weird part is that during sex, she compared me to her H and said I felt the same as him. Clearly this woman loved her H but yet, she had sex with me. I remember thinking at the time why would she do this to him? She clearly loves him.

The answer is, good people can do shitty things. She had poor boudaries, and I exploited them. She loved her H, but still betrayed him. I am 100% positive that the next morning she regretted this big time. I never tried to contact her again after that night.

I realize this was a ONS, and anybody can fuck up. But I just wanted to let you guys know that it IS possible that your WW loved you despite what she did. This was about her and her weakneses and most likely had nothing to do with how much she loved you, or any other deficiencies you may percieve about yourself.

I just wanted to share this with you guys. I was an asshole, but this really could literally happen to anyone. Please don't be too hard on yourselves.

Peace, out.

Tputer


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
socold
♂ Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admire the strength it took to write this, and see you as a great guy who messed up back in the past. All we can hope for is to learn from our mistakes. When I was a younger (in High School), I had a girlfriend that I cheated on, and she never found out. Sometimes I wonder if this is payback.


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tputer, I knew about what ya had done in the past. But there is a difference, you admited and have no problem admitting it. You own your shit plain and simple. You had poor boundries just the same as she did, blame it on youth or just being plain horny. If the military did find out IM sure the ramifications would have been huge.

But for many of us here, it wasn't about being gone from our WW's. My WW still doesn't admit to any of the damage, or fault. Plain old doesn't own her own actions or even address them.

That right there is the HUGE difference! Now I have a son involved, that has to live with her stupid descisions. Her careless ways, yet still puts here needs before my sons. All I can do is document, record licsense plate tags. A part of me says grab my son on the next visitation and let her fight me through the courts to get him back. Ok A BIG part of me is saying that. The guys she is hooking up with are random guys she meets of the internet, unknown problems. But she gets them to full fill her needs, while my son is right there...

That really is the bottom line right there. Im working my ass off to get to a level where I can give him a nice stable life he deserves. I bought a house last week, and working on getting it all fixed up. Great school district, and a great place to raise kids. All I can do..


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tputer, let me say this -
since you own it
fuck all that!
you put it *out there*
for what?
for me?
to help me?

then the only thing is thank you.

get it?

twicetorn?
i was 'gone'.
working 3 hours away
living in a roach-infested
fuck!
drove EVERY WEEKEND
EVERY!
to *go home*
to, you know, "be with her".
fuck.
I gave her ALL MY MONEY.
it still didn't help.
fuck


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct, doesn't matter, nothing in the world is gunna fix that void they feel. Im telling ya man, my XWW NPD 101 to the T. My IC pointed this clearly out to me after meeting the both of us together after 3 seesions. Dealing with someone with a mental disorder is near impossible, they have to admit it first. Its a developed coping mechanism from past truama.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think many BS's are dealing with a disordered spouse, one with BPD or NPD(same thing) or whatever. Like some of you guys,I have a fair amount of anger toward my asshole disordered XWW. I'm sure we coud regale each other with stories of financial abuse, verbal abuse, silent treatments, cruel practical jokes, falsified histories, etc.
Be thankful you are out. The kids ,though, their continued exposure to this shit drive you crazy.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
TurnipTruck
♂ Member
Member # 19475
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heres my take on this its fairly basic.

As long as you have kids they will walk all over your ass. Your a free babysitter. My WW gave up one of her nights with the kid cause a friend was getting married. Had to pick up the "Girls" and head over there. Had absolutely no problems telling ME not the kid that she was not keeping him last night. This isnt the first time either. Always has some excuse not to do visitation. A couple weeks ago she called me and said she was sick that I needed to pick him up cause she was real sick. Then called me the next day and said she was out shopping and saw some pants he might be able to wear. WTF???

I have had the "arrange your social schedule around visitation speech" more than once. She doesnt care.

Oh she isnt sleeping around she just decided that after her EA/PA it was a lot easier for ALL if she moved out.

Yeah and I fell off the Turnip Truck yesterday!!


ME 48
WW 42
DS 12
Together 17 years
DDay 12/06
Separated 11/07
OM...55yo
It must be love, he aint got anything else to his name.

Posts: 481 | Registered: May 2008 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.