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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys,

This thread has slowed down a bit, how are you all doing?

JP


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heya Joe))))))))))

Good to see ya! How'm i doin?
Well, most times i spend damning webster,
with one foot entombed in definitions,
& the other on a banana-peel.

So, other than unilateral scrotal pain, it seems i'm surviving.

Sucks to be me. That's why i try to make it as interesting as i can. Time is short. Jesus is coming back very soon.
How are you?


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kicking back enjoying a nice Friday evening, with a beer:)

Tomarrow looking at going to natural park, that criss-crosses the river with suspended bridges. Right now is peak on the fall colors, so some GREAT picture opertunities await!

Enjoying my new job and the people I work with. Never thought I would really get this much into Euro-cars, but its fun learning new stuff all the time.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone read First Aid for the Betrayed by Richard Alan?


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read it shyguy.

It was good, but it's more gear toward the BS that is just finding out. I was several months out when I read it.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35354 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks! I am already 1/3 the way through it.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read it also, as WH5 said it was really more geared for those just dealing with it raw. I was already a month out from Dday#2 and was already on my way to D, and restarting life. I wish I had read that book right after the first DDay, It would have really helped me alot in learning stuff that took months todo otherwise. I also agree with many of the statements its the hardest things to go through in life, and those that haven't been through it will never understand.

For me I was devestated after Dday#1 I wanted to do anything to save my M. I think alot of that longing, I glossed over the work need by my XW to make it work, I was so focused on makeing the pain go away, and not focusing on the issues that led up to the A's. That I basically blindly took her word for it that it would never happen again and learned how hurtful it was. So when 7 years later I learned yet again my XW was cheating, on a far larger scale then before, I learned this is who she really is. I had no say, or control over anything she did: No bringing home more money, no doing almost all the housework, no saying how much I loved her everyday, and showing it, no gifts or actions of affections. Nothing could or will compair to the drive she has to have another secret passion partner. The thrill of the hunt, the secrecy, the betrayal all of it added to the chase. It was and alway will be all about her, and her selfish behavior will always remain.

I honestly thing my XW felt that I had to much invested to throw it all away. She had basically got away with it before, I was vested this much more. Basically she was betting this would blow over with a small storm like the last time. This time around I was vested 7 more years into the M, had my own business, newly remodeled house. She was willing to bet it all, that I wouldn't give it up. Yet I did...

Sure I spent time living in my parents basement, living June of 2007 living outta my truck, making a couple bucks here and there on pay of some odd photography jobs. But after a long D battle, and money spent fighting her on shit she simply was not entitled to. Seems the day before Dday #2 she got pregnant with my son (DNA proof positive.)

Of course I have little of quality time my son needs of his father because she still pulls control. I have pushing hard core for custody of my son, for at least 50% which is fair. She claims I have not paid her any child support so far, yet I have offered 3 times, yet she choses its not what she wants.. Because she knows her control (my son) will be put in the balance. She knows no after the last mediator who didn't see a single problem with the 50/50. Yet it continues on with that bitch (yes she is one.)

I moved on with my life, I moved to make my life all it can be. A perfect place to raise a child.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, October 22nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys, well I had a good trip to Yellowstone and it was a nice get away. But i noticed a lack of excitement that I usually feel. Now I was with DS and W was at home, so I know that had something to do with it. We both really enjoy trips up there.

But I feel I have lost so much of myself. I am still lost within my own self. I feel like I am fighting to find myself in a dark and troubled world.

I wish I could find my balls enough to stand up and do what needs to be done.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, October 22nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I heard that a problem well-stated is a problem solved,
so...
what "needs to be done"?

(don't worry bout the standin-part...guys here can help w that)

hurts))))))))


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to find and do what is going to recreate my health. My mental health that is. I don't see my W doing anything to fight for this M and it has completely drained me. I have never left a relationship before, I've never walked out on my family before. I need a pair of balls attached that will allow me to do what needs to be done. But even now I am not sure it is in me to do it.

And yeah, I see that as just another failure in my life. Might as well put a ring in my nose and lead me around.

What a fucking waste of a life.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurts you have so much balls its not even funny! Stop beating yourself up, your being your own worst enemy. Of course the W is trying to drain you, she already drained herself, and she keeps pulling you into her spiral of self hate. Dude pull yourself up, and stand up. Your not the bad guy at freaking all! None of this was your failure, it was all hers, her not putting anything into the relationship, your hands are tied.

Dude you got more strength than you realize, you constantly prove it here! Im pulling for ya, as are alot of other people!


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
Mrmojorisin
♂ Member
Member # 18861
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello guys. I have not introduced myself to this thread yet, so here I go..

My Story,
I met my wife, very shortly after my first marriage dissolved. (No betrayal there) She had left her first marriage after being physically abused for a long time. We lived together for 5 years before getting married. (Feb 10 2006). She had three girls from her first marriage, I had one girl and in 2004 we had one together. Thats right 5 girls. Her kids dad left the country and has had no contact with them in over 5 years. In May of 2007 I started a new job. It paid very well, had fantastic benefits, but required me to travel about 2 or 3 weeks a month on average.
My wife quit her job and stayed home after our youngest was born. She started working again about the same time I got the new job.
Anywho, long story short, she had an affair with one of her co-workers. Lucky me, I found out about it on Christmas day, 2007..(It was the only gift she gave me, BTW). I found out when, after several drinks, she called his name while we were having sex. After she went to sleep I checked her cell phone. I read the texts. Stuff like, I wish I was with you. This she texted to him while admiring the diamond ring I gave her for Christmas.
I got the standard "just a friend" speech. It took another month to get concrete proof. After several months of gaslighting, her lying to our MC, and other shit. I filed for D.
Shortly after I filed for D, she broke up with OM#1. One month later began another affair with OM#2. (She is still seeing him)
She gave me the bullshit line of they promised to be 100% honest with each other, blah, blah, blah...
She has admitted to me that she had a one night stand. She used being drunk as an excuse. I found out through her texts that she has had at least one other one night stand.
We were still having sex for a while. Until I realized I was doing it out of revenge, knowing that she is lying to OM#2. Besides, I lost all attraction to her after her first ONS..
I know some may disagree but she still lives in my home. I do that because of my kids. (I am the only father my step-daughters know). If she moves out, they will not be living in a good neighborhood. (She cannot afford much). I don't think my kids deserve to go backwards in lifestyle, because mommy is a tramp..The only reason I bought that house, was for the kids. (And thats another fun part of the story, she began her first affair about the time we were buying the house. Since it was a new house we were picking out colors of paint, carpet, kitchen appliances and such)
I know I said I would be short, and believe me that is the short version.
In a related story, I lost that good job about 4 months ago. I now drive a truck and am gone 3 weeks at a time. I don't like being away from the kids, but all this time to myself has been good therapy for me..

OH, wanna here something really funny!!! She got pissed off, and still is, because I won't fuck her anymore.. She get laid plenty, and still thinks I should be one of them...Nope, too many men have been there, know what I mean?


Me: 39 STBXWW: 35 OM: which one?
Kids: SD-17,SD-14,D-14,SD-13,D-4
D-Day #1-12/25/2007 #2-01/28/2008
#3-08/06/08 #4 9/24/08-ONS #5 10/14/08 ONS--Shall I go on?

Posts: 503 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Texas
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mrmojo,

That's a good thing you're doing for your steps, but is there a chance you can get custody down the road, and your own place?


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
aprilbetdme
♂ Member
Member # 21211
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mrmojo,
i'm sorry your going through this. hope your doing better day by day.


year later.
Hard to believe that I put so much into the relationship with WW.
I did learn many valuable lessons that I’ve taken onto my next relationship.

Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.


Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: minnesota
Mrmojorisin
♂ Member
Member # 18861
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, October 25th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonerider,
If I wish I could get custody of my youngest. BUT, my lawyer says I have no rights at all to the three step-kids. As they are not biolicaly mine...


Me: 39 STBXWW: 35 OM: which one?
Kids: SD-17,SD-14,D-14,SD-13,D-4
D-Day #1-12/25/2007 #2-01/28/2008
#3-08/06/08 #4 9/24/08-ONS #5 10/14/08 ONS--Shall I go on?

Posts: 503 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Texas
StillStanding
♂ Member
Member # 18143
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't blame you for not wanting to fuck her. I would be scared to death of STD's. Why isn't she? These guys are probably lying to her and doing other woman.

It takes strength at least for this guy to turn down sex. My wife has now found a reason to use that against me because I just wouldn't do it with her for months after Dday. Then when I finally tried I couldn't perform because shit was still on my mind and she really sucks at making a man feel loved anyway.


Posts: 277 | Registered: Feb 2008
tk59194
♂ New Member
Member # 20874
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Gentlemen,

maybe a little off topic, but would like to bring up something that is pissing me off. After D day which was June 2nd of this year, we tried MC, and this bitch of a counselor made me feel as though it was my fault for the affair. Her advise was that we dont talk about it or bring it up at all and focus on looking forward. NOt saying that is bad but WTF.

I was just supposed to sweep all my emotions under the rug and put my feelings aside. After a few more sessions it was obvious that my WW and this counselor were really interested in getting to the reasons why I "drove" her to cheat on me.

This has been months ago and I will be divorced in a few days. This is all building up to my main point of why Im pissed. The more and more I talk with people about this (woman more specifically) it seems that the question I get is "well what did you do or did not do to let this happen" WTF?

Looking back I can see that there was a lack of romance. I can see that I did not always make her feel pretty. I can see that I might have been selfish at times and maybe didnt have sex with her enough and the list goes on and on, but seriously all these things do not justify infidelity.

Anyways, I am not sexist nor do I have a vedetta against women, but through my own research I have found that many women are very un sympathetic of the situation and tend to point the finger or make me feel as though her infidelity was a direct consequence of something that I did or did not do to fullfill her.. Fuck that shit....


Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: San Marcos Texas
tk59194
♂ New Member
Member # 20874
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Gentlemen,

maybe a little off topic, but would like to bring up something that is pissing me off. After D day which was June 2nd of this year, we tried MC, and this bitch of a counselor made me feel as though it was my fault for the affair. Her advise was that we dont talk about it or bring it up at all and focus on looking forward. NOt saying that is bad but WTF.

I was just supposed to sweep all my emotions under the rug and put my feelings aside. After a few more sessions it was obvious that my WW and this counselor were really interested in getting to the reasons why I "drove" her to cheat on me.

This has been months ago and I will be divorced in a few days. This is all building up to my main point of why Im pissed. The more and more I talk with people about this (woman more specifically) it seems that the question I get is "well what did you do or did not do to let this happen" WTF?

Looking back I can see that there was a lack of romance. I can see that I did not always make her feel pretty. I can see that I might have been selfish at times and maybe didnt have sex with her enough and the list goes on and on, but seriously all these things do not justify infidelity.

Anyways, I am not sexist nor do I have a vendetta against women, but through my own research I have found that many women are very un sympathetic of the situation and tend to point the finger or make me feel as though her infidelity was a direct consequence of something that I did or did not do to fullfill her.. Fuck that shit....

Its sad to me that so many people take the vows of marriage to be so un important. Being cheated as a man is the most difficult thing I have ever faced as all of you know it is devestating to your manhood, confidence, self worth, etc. But seriously when I said those vows I meant them. I was feeling a lack of romance, lack of sex, lack of feeling attractive too, but I didn't cheat. THe only thing Im guilty of is maybe not catching the warning signs and not communicating with her enough. Anyways, sorry for the all the bitching, but I will not stand for anyone , being a man or woman telling me that my wife cheated on me because of my inadequacies and for now on my response to that will be " GO FUCK YOURSELF" Infidelity is never justified no matter what.

[This message edited by tk59194 at 12:38 AM, October 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: San Marcos Texas
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey tk, welcome. Listen, it sounds as though the MC had an agenda of her own. Just so you know, she was dead wrong in that and it has enabled your STBX into her behavior.

Sorry man, this isn't right, but it is what happens more than it should.

Sending thoughts your way.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tk,

I think there is a societal bias about adultery, and when a wife cheats on her husband, the husband gets a lot of blame.

It doesn't matter as much what you do or didn't do, it's what's broken in your wife. If I had a fault, it was doing too much and letting my wife feel a little disengaged.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
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