Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Lost1960 (43229)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you get through the holidays? Turkey day weekend sucked. It is my first time single in over 20 years. I was a bit of a wreck by sunday.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you get through the holidays?

Have you considered volunteering your time on those days. Help at a church or homeless shelter? Senior home? Maybe visit family or friends? That is what I have been doing. My father passed away two days after Thanksgiving last year so the holiday season was quite chaotic as one can imagine. This year I have my youngest DD for both holidays (and had all three with me for Thanksgiving day ).

Maybe even plan a trip to Mexico or somewhere similar for a get-away to distract you.

The key is to keep your mind and body busy.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, December 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the ideas. I am sorry about your father. I know when my mom died it was a life changing event. Take care of yourself.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
elgel
♂ New Member
Member # 21870
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wearied of single life. With considerable trepidation I took the plunge into marriage. Jeez, these vows are going to be rough, I thought. Foreswear all other women? Now that's going to be tough. I continually congratulated myself on remaining faithful, which I thought was a big accomplishment. Ridiculous, huh? Maybe I was too risk adverse. Maybe I was just lucky. Certainly I am an opportunist. Did the right opportunity for a dalliance not present itself over 25 years? I would be a liar if I reported that I had not fantasized every now and then about taking a mistress. It was'nt easy but I was proud to be able to look into my wife's eyes with a pure conscience and know that I had not abused her trust.

Yes, I'm obsessed. I think it's because I cannot repress such awful feelings re: my wife's two back-to-back LTAs over the course of nine years. We're 18 years out from the beginning of her first LTA and nine years after the second LTA ended.

I was no fun, she said. She wondered if "that's all there was in life." I could'nt "connect" with her. I was a stranger to my own emotions. I was self-centered, distant and spent too much time as a non-participant in our marriage. She levelled these charges as justifications for her serial infidelities.

I understand how my spouse compartmentalized her emotions and how she pursued simultaneously two parallel, nay, conflicting realities. Her first reality was socially & politically correct. The second reality was a parallel universe whose access she carefully guarded. Each reality is true, but one version is truer than the other.

Q: Said I: "Hi, dear, I'm home. Where are the kids and how was your day?"

Different Answers from Parallel Universes

Answer #1:

"The kids are playing next door, and I got home today a little late after a long day at work."

-or-

Alternate but unstated Answer #2:

"The kids are playing next door. I got home late and I hope you don't notice the hickey on my neck from my friend at work who shows me more attention than you show me."

Parallel existence #2 is a fantasy-reality. In this reality there are no dishes to be washed, no bills to be paid, no children to be supervised. Each kiss is new and there are no commitments. Such a lark. The infidelity is a compelling fantasy. New juice! The affection and sex are turn-ons, the hickey is quite real. What's not to like except the tell-tale red blotch at the neck?

Just one problem. In order to keep up the fantasy-reality #2, she had to lie and cheat and dissemble and jeopardize the very existence of parallel universe #1.

When parallel existences collide, they release a shower of negative vibrations. In universe #1 the betrayed spouse feels deceived, blind-sided, cheated, hurt, destabalized, unloved and shattered. The wayward spouse knows that she is getting more attention than she used to get; and, what's wrong with that? She can energize secret universe #2 in order to pursue her unmet needs and still have plenty of energy left to meet the paltry conditions of universe #1. Why not do both? No harm unless parallel universes bump into each other. And so begins the Big Lie, an attempt by the adulterer to compartmentalize and make secret.

The human condition. Shall I meet my marriage vows? And, if I can't meet them, when will I know, what will I do, and whom am I willing to hurt?

My wife declines to go into any detail. I know neither the scope nor frequency of her infidelities. Betrayal is a cracked vessel where trust runneth not over the top, but drains instead through a fissure. In the absence of my spouse's transparency, I lost faith and I lost trust.

Time did'nt heal because I was in such a hurry to package and repress the negative emotions. My spouse certainly was in no hurry to unpackage and exhume her transgressions. After all these years I am still rattled. For the past several months I awaken each nite in the early hours while awful tapes run through my mind.

I begin to restate our marriage's formerly unaudited emotional statements. Was it all a fraud or just some of our marriage a fraud? Were there other betrayals, other lies? How badly was I short-changed? Am I a defective lover? I am puny. Were her junglemen lovers endowed with nine-inch tackle? Did I make small talk with a spouse who listened but heard nothing? And if she did'nt listen who would bear witness? Did we make family decisions not as a nuclear couple but with the influence of yet a third person? On the battlefield called life was my mate really at my side or was she AWOL? And if I had quit the marriage, would I have put my children's welfare at risk or surrendered them potentially to a future step-father? (Ugh!)

Now her lovers are long gone. They abandonned her one and all for greener fields or maybe to meet marriage vows of their own. And, yes, dear wife (to your question) "that's really all there is in life" unless you are willing to lie, cheat, and hurt or jeopardize the dear ones around you. The strings on your second fiddle are brittle and worn out, but I'm still here after all these years.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Dec 2008
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, December 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome elgel


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, December 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The strings on your second fiddle are brittle and worn out, but I'm still here after all these years.

Be wary of a third fiddle in a one fiddle location.

I was no fun, she said. She wondered if "that's all there was in life." I could'nt "connect" with her. I was a stranger to my own emotions. I was self-centered, distant and spent too much time as a non-participant in our marriage. She levelled these charges as justifications for her serial infidelities.

Interesting is it not? I think if I were to take poll we would find that most all of us BH's have heard the same line(s). I was informed that after being M'ed to my STBX for 23 years, she never felt a connection to me. The enormity of that time frame baffles me as certainly she had to of known/felt this missing link after one, eight or nineteen years!

Welcome elgel - sorry you had to join us here. You have found a good place to heal.


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 6:05 PM, December 5th (Friday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, December 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or the famous I love you but im not in love with you line. Rewritting the marital history, is the basic script of the WS.

You know the saying:

How many WW would it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, they just hold up the lightbulb and the world revolves around them.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, December 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i gotz me a couple a missing links,
prolly as anyone around here can attest,
but
elgel))))))))))))))))
manhug, yaknow?

i wearied of single life too! Too early, i think.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
lostboy36
♂ Member
Member # 21588
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, December 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've gone through a fair amount of the 20+ pages of posts, but I won't pretend to have read them all in detail. I only say this because I'm on the edge of tears as the emotions and experiences are painfully close to my own.
My wife had an E&PA over the course of five yrs, or at least that's what she'll admit to...that's almost half of our marriage. She's rewritting our marital history in MC and I feel like I'm constantly defending myself or trying to set the record straight. I feel so much pain, anger, sadness, etc...I don't know up from down anymore. How does a WS justify her actions? How does she rationalize the pain she knows she's causing to her husband? How can she say she still loves me after all this time, when she consistently refused the emotional and physical intimacy I offered because she wanted or preferred what she was getting elsewhere. How do I reconcile that internally so I can even attempt to reconcile our marriage? How do I even know if I want to R our marriage? I've fought for her for so long and apparently lost to the OM. I'm exhausted and feel like I have no fight left in me.

Apologies for the length and rambling and thank you for all of your posts.


BS - me
FWS - her
Two amazing kids
Trying to R
Trying to cope with it all

Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2008
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, December 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...I don't know up from down anymore. How does a WS justify her actions? How does she rationalize the pain she knows she's causing to her husband? How can she say she still loves me after all this time, when she consistently refused the emotional and physical intimacy I offered because she wanted or preferred what she was getting elsewhere. How do I reconcile that internally so I can even attempt to reconcile our marriage?

As my wise brother said -- do not try and reason with a crazy person. The focus is on you for now bro. You need to recover your sanity before you can worry about your M.

i wearied of single life too! Too early, i think.

I hear you... I hate it and I suck at it. Up to the point when my STBX filed and had me forced out a year and a half ago, I had never lived alone.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, December 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostboy36)))))))
This has been like being the coach of a losing football team
(except for the part about having to wear a cockle-burred jockstrap 3 sizes too small),

but what do I do?
"Go back to basics/fundamentals."
In order to do that:
that internal reconciling,
that recovering sanity that t2g said,
I had to go within myself.
It was the only place to go for any semblance of anything,
since the outside was so fallen apart and crazy.

I used the 180 for me. To go inside and search and uncover who I am at my core.
We heal, I think, by grabbing our cores.
Our fundamentals,
(& I've been putting the fun in mental for about 2 years, now)-
but it is there, inside -
each one of us!
There resides any sanity,
any hope of healing.

and t2...this time, I'm determined to be better at not sucking at it...


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, December 7th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and t2...this time, I'm determined to be better at not sucking at it...


Amen Bro!

Contrary to what you all may think, your sanity and happiness await you.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, December 7th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's rewritting our marital history in MC and I feel like I'm constantly defending myself or trying to set the record straight. I feel so much pain, anger, sadness, etc...

Im gunna tell ya something, shes using you as a scapegoat. Shes rewriting the M history to justify her actions. The real reason she cheated was because of her, and her actions. They try and blameshift it to the M, to justify their actions.

The sad part is you WW doesn't get it, shes a person that can pass blame, instead of really understanding. You cannot be in a true R type situation until she fully understands what led up to her actions. Right now shes playing ya, and your MC. If she cannot be true to herself, then whats the point of R?

Believe me, walking away is not a bad option. Good guys like us get snatched up quick.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Elgel. Twicetoren is write. WW rewrite the m history so they don't have to take responsability for their actions.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping this from page 2

I hope you all have a great holiday


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

been gone for a whole, guys..

oh how I can relate to much of what has been written here...

things have been better... FWW is trying very hard, being as honest as she can be... she has learned a lot about herself... not enough yet, but so much more than she knew before..

I have also learned a lot, and have changed even more so..some for the better, some for the worse.

happy holidays to all


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alone.
Sure there’s shreds of entire life past,
still,
Alive.

I hope everyone else bitched about wrapping presents till 2,
And thought about it at 7,
when certain squeals of delight
entered the fine ear.
Let unwrapping torn paper be dear.

May those happy sounds mark the same
certain territory,
the membrance of heart,
thus being a true one must feel.

As short as it is, remembered heart feels,
christ christmas
may it never end

it will.
never
end,

and that is my wish for all and all


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
resigned
♂ Member
Member # 12903
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, December 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've posted in other forums but never here.

In reading the various forums, it seems like the BWs are much more forgiving (or at least understanding)of an A than the BHs.

It amazes me that so many BWs talk about their marriage being better and what they're doing to fix the things that made their Hs stray. Huh? Shouldn't the WH be carrying the lead in doing these things.

Is it just me or do others agree that it's generally more difficult for a man to come to terms with his WWs betrayal than it is for a woman to come to terms with her WHs betrayal.

I know I'm generalizing and every situation is different.

I've gotten to where I can pretty much tell the gender of a poster based upon the content of their post.


Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2006
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think women are more open about betrayal than guys. I don't know if women are more forgiving of betrayal. It is an interesting question.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
TwoHearts
♂ Member
Member # 20647
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does a WS justify her actions? How does she rationalize the pain she knows she's causing to her husband? How can she say she still loves me after all this time, when she consistently refused the emotional and physical intimacy I offered because she wanted or preferred what she was getting elsewhere. How do I reconcile that internally so I can even attempt to reconcile our marriage? How do I even know if I want to R our marriage?

Does that say it all or what?

My WW has long since rewritten history so that the reason she cheated was all my fault, refused to IC or MC, swears that she never preferred her OMM over me but cannot or will not explain why she went back to him for at least a year and spent several thousand dollars on him, explain why she was still making secret phone calls long after she swears she ended her A.

She cannot explain why there were secret email accounts that she checked long after she ended her A, swears there was no one else when I know that she had at least two other EA's, blames me for snooping when I find cash she is hiding from me and then swears it is for the kids.

But my personal favorite when I say something about how she would not tolerate this type of behavior or those answers from me if the tables were turned, I get the infamous response of

"I've said all I can say, I've apologized all I can apologize, I've done all I can do so lets move on and quit bringing it up".

Yeah, the "lets drop it" response would have worked for me I'm sure....

Women are supposed to be the more emotional and less phyical species. WW's have their wires crossed somewhere, at least mine did.


1Sa 22:23 (NIV) - "Stay with me; don't be afraid; the man who is seeking your life is seeking mine also. You will be safe with me."

Posts: 681 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: 2nd Place
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.