Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: northeasternarea (43214)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still here in the background.

Welcome to all our new members, sorry to meet like this.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,

I hear you, DW had an A while we were dating, I asked her not to do that, which wasn't enough.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
fairytaledied
♂ Member
Member # 12727
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone, I'm present and unfortunately accounted for. I submit a manly beating on the chest to all my betrayed fellow dudes.

ziggy zoggy ziggy zoggy oy oy oy!!!

FTD


Me:BS
her:WS
D-Day:11-10-2006
OFFICIALLY RECONCILED AND LOVING LIFE AGAIN.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Nov 2006
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, just checking in. Still in the midst of the battle, but hoping for some clarity soon.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yet another BH here.
I tend to stay away from the I Can Relate threads, because there's always so much to catch up with. But MC recommended I find some other men to talk with - there are no local support groups for BH.

I also agree on the SAb thing.

MC and I suspect that FWW has SAb in early childhood, and suppressed the memory. She has many other suppressed memories. But that's up to her and her IC to figure out.

She was forced by her first BF at age 14. That BF also cheated on her, gave her an STD, and got her pregnant (resulted in an abortion - source of a ton of suppressed guilt).

Her XH raped her 3 yrs into our M, and she kept it secret, because she was afraid of the confrontation and trouble.
OM #3 also raped her, several times, and manipulated, blackmailed, and abused her - also pimped her out.

She has ongoing sexual issues.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her XH raped her 3 yrs into our M, and she kept it secret, because she was afraid of the confrontation and trouble.
OM #3 also raped her, several times, and manipulated, blackmailed, and abused her - also pimped her out.

toonice - is the use of the word rape by her definition? Do you suppose maybe she says that to shift blame to them? And Excuse? If given a truth drug do you think they (OM) would tell the same story? I ask because in the world of infidelity those are odd claims. One has to wonder why she was with those guys in the first place allowing for such a sequence of events to even begin to progress.

Just curious.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of the two rapes, they were different situations; but I am certain that BOTH fit the legal definition of rape.

However, in BOTH cases, FWW was doing something that a married woman should not have been doing, she was doing something she KNEW I would not approve of, and would have stopped had I known.

In the first rape - we were out with friends bar-hopping, and her XH was with us. I did not like that she was "friends" with XH. But I think this was a typical thing where a cheater forces their Betrayed X to be friends after they break up - so they're not perceived as a "bad person".

She went off to talk with him alone outside. They did this when I took a bathroom break, so when I came back, I asked; "where's FWW?" and the other's said "oh, XH and her went to talk somewhere" - so - being a "nice guy", I gave her space, and waited.

Went outside after a while, and saw them together, talking. She was sitting, pale looking, feeling sick, she said.
(later, I recognize that this was shock - first phase of Rape Trauma Syndrome).

He had taken her into the alley next-door and raped her.

After d-day #2, I confronted him on the phone, and told him how he had psychologically messed her up, and he was shocked that she told me - but he admitted that he did it, and apologized.

As for OM #3; I only really have her word.
This guy was her girlfriend's husband. He started showing up where she worked, and just talking to her, on her breaks, etc.
I recall her telling me this. I told her that that was creepy, and she accused me of being jealous and overprotective. I said that I had a right (because this was after d-day #1) - and she said she'd "handle him".

Then she told me that he had been showing up at our house during the day to "talk" - and started making sexually inappropriate jokes, etc. But she said she thought he was just funny, and being friendly.

I told her to stop letting him in, and she got mad at me. This was 5 years or so ago, so my memory is a little hazy, but from what she tells me now, she DID lock the front door, he came in the back, and she didn't want to appear rude.

Again - I think she was getting off on the attention, and knew that she was on a slippery slope. Do I blame her for the rape? No. But I blame her for what was already an EA.

She has not been able to tell me the story of how the relationship transitioned from him raping her to her willingly submitting to his requests. MC has told me to back off until she's ready.

But after this happened, he had her invite him and his W over to our house for dinner. I met him, and had a conversation with him, and didn't really like him much. A couple of meetings later, and some of the things he told me led me to believe he was an unethical person, and I wanted that particular association to stop. But by then, FWW was already gaslighting me, and blameshifting - telling me that I my social anxiety was causing her grief. Well, I'm an introvert, by nature, and I do have a little social anxiety. So this worked pretty well to shut me up.

But after learning more and more about him, and finding out that he was making passes at friends' wives, groping them, and that he didn't have any boundaries when it came to talking about sex, I sure as hell DO believe fully my FWW's story:

That when he came in the back door, and talked to her, she told him to leave, and he refused, and tried to grab her. She ran out of the room, and he caught her, threw her down on the ground. She said "no", she struggled, kicked, and punched, and even bit him.

But afterwards, he told her "you wanted it". She didn't believe it, but she now doubted herself enough (her story) that she was terrified to tell anyone, because she thought nobody would believe her.

But at some point, she "gave up" caring about us, her guilt and anger got in the way of her feeling any empathy for me - and she started building up her blameshifting, re-writing the marital history, etc. And our relationship deteriorated to roommate status.

She is a very different person now.

But I do believe she was raped.
And I do put 100% of the responsibility for these situations on her. Especially the second one - she KNEW BETTER, from past experience. And I even warned her. In fact, the more I tried to push her away from this guy - the more resistant to me she got.

I can share that my feelings have been all over the scale on this one - and she sure used it to try to manipulate me into not blaming her.

The relevance of the rapes is: she was sexually abused. She has always seeked-out relationships with abusive men. (myself excluded). I'm the only person who ever treated her like a decent human being. I guess she just didn't know how to handle me. Well - she did - she manipulated and controlled me. Lies. Guilt. And the more I resisted, the more afraid of me she got. I guess she couldn't stand the kind of intimacy I was pushing for.

I was blind to her abuse for so long.

You see - I seek out relationships with abusive women. I didn't walk into this M without a few problems of my own.



Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just thought I'd check in. I've never read any of the threads in the ICR forum.

Are there as many guys as women on SI?


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flup the current ratio I have been told is 20% of the posters are men. Thats what so nice about threads like this its all men, who have been through the same things we have. Personally I don't think I would be at this point in my life without such a forum to discuss this with other men. IRL its almost impossible to talk about these issues, because either they have never been through it, or they plain old don't understand what we are going through. Until someone has walked in our shoes, they just can't imagine...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no, it feels like we're maybe 10%.
Hey, how bout an idea? let's have a friendly wager. I'm puttin ten bucks on 10.
Winner 'directs' where the proceeds go.
(pocket? specially needful one on SI? SI? Defiance, you ok? socold! where u been? whatev!)
MH? Ok w you? (You gotz the answer...umm, right? )

"buncha Mary's" -U571


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rut roh!
TT's "been told".
You takin 20 then?

Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep Ill take 20% then. Cool to see this forum rocken again! Good job T2G!


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you just know some smartass is gonna go 15 and we're screwed, right?

Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
lonelynlost
♂ Member
Member # 18616
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smartass here. I bet 15% are men on SI!

Anyway, I've posted all over SI and never saw this thread. I qualify here and also in WS left BS for OP. Not proud of it, it doesn't define me, it's just what happened.

I agree with the conversation about SAB or AB WW'S. My STBXWW is a former AB and SAB. She brought the AB on herself with her dad. She would egg him on till he physically hit her. She would work to "make up" with him and then do it again and again.

When she got in bed with OM, our M was over, done in her mind. No real opportunity to R, no NC as she worked very closely with OM. No boundaries for herself whatsoever, not God fearing and surely she blame shifted all her shit to me. I'm the bad one.

Well, fast forward to today, 10 months separated. Her adult kids loath her behavior, hate OM, don't want anything to do with him. I just don't see how she can continue on but she does. I'm done, moved on.

Unfortunately, we're still not divorced because she can't afford to buy me out of marital home where she now lives with her three grown kids. So I digress.

Life has gotten a whole lot better. I'm doing IC, have joined and attended several personal development seminars, have met a nice women and we are becoming good friends and companions. Overall for me things are looking up. Had a nice holiday and didn't miss XWW at all. Actually this time last year we were still together and she couldn't give up OM. I knew last Christmas was the last one we'd be together and needless to say, I was depressed, pissed and very unhappy. My XFIL couldn't believe all the weight I'd lost and was wondering why. I had to lie and tell him it was work stress. Well a few months later the whole truth came out and XWW looked pretty bad in front of her right winged family.

That's all for now.

Thanks guys for listening.

LonelynLost


Me-BS 56 XWW-53

DD-10/25/2007
Separated 3/8/2008
D Final 8/31/2009


Posts: 517 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: South Jersey
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all.

I've been on SI for awhile, but this is my first post in the ICR forum.

I'm going to visit this particular thread more often from now on.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5617 | Registered: Aug 2007
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

toonice... thanks for the short version -- can you give us the long one?
lol!

Thanks for sharing bro -- I now see where you are coming from. You have some big cajones to be able to deal with your situation, man!

jjct - I suspect 10% may be on the high side if based on active posters along. I suspect a lot of our fine, feathered dudes are just perusing the threads and skeerd to post.

Hammer the keys dudes and abide!


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 2:45 AM, January 10th (Saturday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lonelynlost - you stole my story! No R here either.

HardenMyHeart - welcome to the man cave (I hate that term BTW!)land! Good to have your presence.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jumping in with both feet.

This is my last holiday with my STBXW. I also have to wonder about the SAb angle on this. My STBXW is doing all the same things described above. Rewriting marital history, afraid of intimacy, blah, blah, blah.

I am so tired of it all. One of her constant gripes throughout our marriage is that she feels that I take care of everything. That I don't give her the opportunity to take care of stuff on her own. Something as simple as doing laundry. I just do it so she gives up. The problem is that when I let her do the laundry it does not get done at all and our sons end up digging through the dirty clothes to find something to wear. So I do laundry and let her fold it. The clothes stay in the bins for weeks unfolded. So I fold them and let her put them away. They stay folded in the bins for weeks (or until they are all dirty again). So I put my and the boys clothes away and leave hers. Her clothes stay in the bin for weeks as I add more and more of her washed folded clothes to the pile.

Apply the same principal to everything. That is what scares me about our divorce. She will sit on her stupid ass and I will have to drive the bus. All the while being accused of trying to force things and control things.

She cannot be gone soon enough.

I also agree with the 10% ratio of men. Lot's of BW on the posts. A few men lurking around. I also have to wonder if there are a lot of men who just read.

The silent crowd needs to speak!


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
HurtDad
♂ Member
Member # 21526
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to all. Sorry to see anyone in here. First posting in this forum. It really is depressing to see how busy and how many different people are on SI.


D-Day #1 3/15/08
D-Day #2 7/23/08
Me BH 50
Her FWW 37
DS 16
DS 12
Married 19 years
Recovered best I can tell

Posts: 255 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Central Kentucky
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So t2g, you're saying you like my 'go-by-feel' method of calculatin?
I admit it has its flaws, (especially when pickin wives) but anyway, you gonna belly up to the 10 bone challenge and pick a number?

C'mon fellers!
Let's make some noi$e!!!!!
So far, we got me holdin the 10 spot
TT's got 20 (remember, he's 'been toad' lol!)
lolo's got 15% (smart bet, that one)

My winning's are going to SI, to the big king kahuna and his lovely damsel (whatever their names are)...

Ser's prolly lurking, thinking, calculatin refractory tables with the cool end of a punty rod against his forehead,
Defiance is holin targets with his six-shooters, waiting to see the number-pattern...

Who else we got? buncha Mary's?


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.