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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
Defiance
♂ Member
Member # 8265
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put me down for 17%

-D


Success is not measured by what you accomplish but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds.

Posts: 25371 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: The Great State of New Jersey, USA
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll take 13% Winnings to SI!

FA


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
Invisible Man
♂ Member
Member # 5264
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although it seems high to me, if TT's been told 20, then I'll say 17.


BS- Still Recovering
"So many roads, so much at stake.
So many dead-ends, I'm at the edge of a lake. Sometimes I wonder what it's gonna take to find dignity.-Dylan

Posts: 2317 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Midwest
Invisible Man
♂ Member
Member # 5264
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, just saw D already took 17...so I'm at 16 now.


BS- Still Recovering
"So many roads, so much at stake.
So many dead-ends, I'm at the edge of a lake. Sometimes I wonder what it's gonna take to find dignity.-Dylan

Posts: 2317 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Midwest
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do we find out the answer?


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll take 18%


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

There are shortcuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them-Vicky Baum


Posts: 49767 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

18.1%


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess we wait for "final decision" from the great and terrible MHoz?

Hang on...bettin's not closed!

Bet is what % of menz to wimmenz on SI. 10 bucks.
When I win, I'm givin the haul to SI.

jj-10
Finally -13
LoLo -15
Nvis Man -16
Defiance-17
Moo - 18
Ser! dang! 18.1 (there's always one, right?)
TT -20

Cuza Ser's bet, MH is like; 'awww crap'!
lol
Man, I was gonna settle for 'best estimate wins' (from the proper authorities of course). Sheeit. I didn't want to make him have to number-crunch that much!
MH? It's Ser's dam fault, ok?

OK boyz!
Belly up to the bettin bar!
Step on up!
Still lotsa numbers needin pardners!
Let'$$$$ go!

Buncha Marys!


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While the number of BH on SI is really not a true representation of how many BH's are really out there. I think the ratio of BW/BH is closer to 50/50. Men typically don't reach out for the support needed. I can't tell you how many BH I have met IRL that I told to check out this site that probibly never will. A big part is the male ego of admiting that we need such support. No one really wants to be in the situation that we have all been placed in.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol - I'll go with 19% to be fair. I agree with TT though - the other issue on top of that I believe is that a number of BH's probably don't even realise it due to the societal myth that cheating is monopolised by males and that many WS's don't admit to it.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cut and paste this into a new tab or whatever in your browser.

THIS is a must-read for all of us, in my opinion.

I copied the document onto my computer and read it whenever I want.

http://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.theoccidentalquarterly.com/archives/vol7no2/v7no2_Devlin.pdf&sa=X&oi=revisions_result&resnum=2&ct=result&cd=1&usg=AFQjCNHYpehRA7NLg6oq5nluFZuU14x8YQ


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That article is really f'n scary. My WW could crater me if she wanted to. Not that she already hasn't.

Interestingly, my STBXW and I had a really productive discussion yesterday about settling where she actually talked about doing what is fair as opposed to what the letter of the law says she gets. We don't have an agreement yet so things could change but for the first time in a long time she seemed somewhat normal.

We shall see.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck!!


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I agree with some of that article flup, it seems very bias on one side. I do think that Domestic abuse is commonly used against men to better the WW position. I know my XWW tryed that on me, and I still have scars on my neck from her bearclaws. She tryed to press charges even though I never laid a hand on her. She was able to get a restraining order. I had to get my Attorney involved so I could get my stuff out of the Marital home. I got a 3 hour window that was basically up to the XWW discretion. Anything I didn't grab my XWW sold at a yard sale, to which I got none of the profits. Several things of value of mine, that I had before the M got sold, that she had no rights too. Including a Honda lawn tractor with several attachments.

What I still don't understand is the fact that Domestic violance agains't men is even considered. Heres and Article on that:

http://www.oregoncounseling.org/Handouts/DomesticViolenceMen.htm

My IC told me that I was in that type of relationship when I was M. I was domestically abused through out my 10 year M. I admit it. I don't think this issue is talked about much with men, if at all. XWW is a violent person, it was a learned behavior from the way she was raised.

She had no problem in belittling, or throwing stuff, like candles, napkin holders, etc. Even using physical violance while I was driving by punching me in the ear. All was because she didn't get her way on something, or I had ticked her off. I walked on eggshells throughout most of M, just not trying to rock the boat, to send her into an episode.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Following up on flup's post, I can't recommend Langley's books highly enough. They were the first (and only) books I read about infidelity that accurately painted what marriage (pre and post A) was truly like for most men.

At the end of the day, what she's saying is that all of the macho, women-are-illogical and women-are-emotionally-manipulative stuff we learned in locker rooms growing up, and then were subsequently taught was misogynistic bullshit, is actually 100% true...with evidence to back it up.

Or, at least, it's true in women who have affairs. Langley should be read and digested before making a decision to R.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/index.html

A very good link for battered men.

The bettin window's still open!


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Langley also, I think, is one of the best authors at taking a straightforward look at the dynamics of male recovery. One of the phenomenon we see here on SI frequently is essentially WW's or FWW's wanting to R and being some combination of baffled/upset/angry that their husbands aren't as actively committed to repairing the relationship as they are.

Langley, quite correctly I think, puts forth the idea that men only engage in marriage to keep a woman in the first place, and that once the wife has demonstrated through her actions that the relationship isn't worth esteeming enough to stay faithful (let alone all the hoops she's required that he jump through), the onus is really on the woman to convince the man that the marriage is worth being involved in...but she also has to accept the she's exposed for all time the truth that she doesn't esteem the institution so much as the security of having a man solely devoted to her.

Just like you can't unring the bell, you can't unteach that lesson.

She's also the first (and only) author I've read who pretty much baldly states that the primary reason men remain in marriages after infidelity -- and the only long-term viable reason that they should -- is to retain access to the children and maintain financial stability.

There's a great deal that Langley writes that would be loudly rejected on SI (due, I believe, to SI's gender dynamics), but I found her books to be a both a breath of fresh air and resoundingly honest about the issues men have to face in marriage and reconciliation.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the primary reason men remain in marriages after infidelity -- and the only long-term viable reason that they should -- is to retain access to the children and maintain financial stability.

Amen!!


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the article flup. Some interesting stuff in there.

wincing_at_light, Thanks for the recommendation on Langley. I'm definitely going to look at some of her books.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5617 | Registered: Aug 2007
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but she also has to accept the she's exposed for all time the truth that she doesn't esteem the institution so much as the security of having a man solely devoted to her.

This, I believe, is the main reason my STBX choose to move on. Simply because she could not live with the constant reminder (me!) of what she did. On top of that reasoning, she is making sure I detest her via her lies, back-stabbing, blame-shifting, demonizing and so forth so that she can in turn, feel good about her decision.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
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