Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
rebeldog992
♂ New Member
Member # 22297
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know I thought I was the only man going through this. Is that how you all felt after D-Day?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2009
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not alone, rebeldog. There are plenty of us here...and yeah, when this was new, we all felt like we were the only ones this had ever happened to.

Welcome.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you think about it there must be a lot of us betrayed men. It takes two to tango. Sorry your here.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
LeftHanging51
♂ Member
Member # 13826
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just sticking my head above the waterline to say hello. It's been a while since I've posted here.

D-day #1 was in February -07. WW and I have been separated since October '07, although in that time we've spent a lot of time together. I'd say that overall, the R has been going well, but my radar is still on high alert. I doubt that will stop for a while.

I'm still taking things one day at a time, wondering when I'll be able to get off this crazy merry-go-round.

To the veterans here, hope things are falling your way. To the recently initiated BS's, sorry you're here, but there's a lot of support to be found in this forum, and the fellows here have been a big help to me over the last couple of years. Give things time, and whatever happens, whether you end up back with your wayward wife/girlfriend/whatever, you will be stronger for having gone through this most unwelcome upheaval in your life.



D-Day #1: 2/07
D-Day #2, #3, #4,....too many to count
Me (BS): 54
WW: 57
Married 8/05 (2d marriage for both)
Divorced Feb. 2011

Posts: 161 | Registered: Mar 2007
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will have to check out the books by Langley.

MY WW wife and I are getting divorced. But that did not stop her from getting totally hammered last night (me too). So we end up hugging and kissing with her crying saying how sorry she is over and over.

But again, no talk of R. Not that I want it anyway.

Have any of you experienced this? The WW wanting some affection but not interested in stopping the A.

Sometimes I think my WW just wants to believe that everyone will be OK after this and that we will remain best friends. I just cannot play that role for her after our D. Outside of our kids she will be on her own.

Thoughts?


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
canadude
♂ Member
Member # 21837
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH speaking up for the first time in this thread. My story is in my profile - moved cross-continent in June 2008, wife met OH in July 08 while we were on the rocks...PA started up in Oct 08 to Nov 08....

Nice to see i'm not alone. Unfortunately, still struggling with this issue.

W wants to R, and is remorseful, NC with OM, etc. This doesn't feel like my life - I haven't reached even acceptance yet, although she has been good about telling me answers to questions - no matter how hard. Every day I seem to think of a way to open the wound again.


Posts: 111 | Registered: Nov 2008
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I guess I have big cujones to want to deal with this; but I'll say the same thing y'all have been saying: I don't want to D, and lose my kids.

In fact, before I was married, I was with another abusive woman, when I was 19. We had a kid together, and stayed together 3 years. I dropped out of college because of the pain of dealing with her emotional abuse. She did not physically abuse me, but she did emotionally abuse me, and she cheated. I went through hell for 18 years dealing with child support issues with her. She couldn't hold down any kind of job, or keep a steady relationship, she was always demanding more, more, more as I was trying to raise my new family.

I now pretty much only speak to my 21 year old on birthdays or christmas. (he lives 2000 miles away). I don't call over there, because it sets her off. I don't want to deal with her at all anymore.

So my current FWW; if I were to leave her, I picture the same; our kids would become strangers. I get a lot of fulfillment out of being a dad to them. So for the immediate future, I'm staying in the same house.

FWW has emotionally abused me, and cheated, of course. She has also hit me - but let's be real here. I'm 5'9, 180 lbs; a background in self-defense, she's 5'2" 115. She couldn't hurt me if she tried - and she's tried, in the heat of arguments, a couple of times. I simply grab her wrists, and hold her when I need her to stop.

I can say a few positive things - I try to take an inventory of the positive, when I'm on the downside of the emotional rollercoaster. It helps keep things in perspective. So - she is in IC, and she's working through a program for codependency. Part of the reasons for why she does what she does. She's made progress - and in that, I mean that her behavior has changed. She slowly began to defuse her angry outbursts, she's silenced her critical voice (but she still directs it here and there, just not at me so much anymore). She has made a lot of effort to stop trying to control everybody. Especially me.

I guess this has made my process of healing possible. But as I go through it, I still have more "D" days that "R" days. ("D" day is when I'm thinking we will eventually D, and "R" days, are when I'm thinking we may R). The biggest problem is - I just don't feel like I love her anymore. Or even like her, as a person. Even without the A's. I just don't think she's the person I want to share my life with.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's Langley's first name? flup's link is banned, so I can't get there.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Banned? Open a new tab, or browser window, then cut/paste the whole address into the address window at the top of the browser page. Then hit the "enter" key and you should go there. It's a .pdf file - I can email it to you if you like.

PM me if you want the .pdf in email!


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know I thought I was the only man going through this. Is that how you all felt after D-Day?

Oh yeah, I was certain I was the only guy on the planet that was a cuckold! "Why me?!?!?" I asked!! I was hurt, broken and embarrassed! Not only that, as WW would not tell me who it was and I live in a small town so I suspected every single guy I saw where ever I went. "Is it you?" or "is it him?" or "maybe you?"'s were flying through my head!!!

I now know it was numerous guys but time has healed my wounds enough that I really do not care. I have moved on emotionally and have accepted that fact my life was not the fairly tale I was living, but another one I had not envisioned. To a large degree, peace and happiness has settled in over my spirit and soul. My girls and all doing good so I am extremely happy!


Have any of you experienced this? The WW wanting some affection but not interested in stopping the A.

No - Other than her shoving me once to get me out of her way and one hug from her after my father died a year ago November, then has been zero contact or displays of affection between us since Dday.

Sometimes I think my WW just wants to believe that everyone will be OK after this and that we will remain best friends.

No. Way. In. Heck Will. We. Be. Friends!!! STBX commented to me after filing for D that maybe someday after the D was over we could start dating again!! And eventually marry like a friend of mine and his wife did.

toonice -- you have a tough row to hoe! Through all of this make sure you kids have a peaceful, loving, stable place to call home. Sometimes that requires that their parents are not together. Close -- but not together. I think they would rather have two happy parents (sets even!) than two angry, miserable and distracted parents.

Your own, personal happiness is your key be being a good father.

Kids know when things are not right.


Hang in there.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was embarrassed. I am not embarrassed now. I did nothing wrong. I upheld my word.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Michelle Langley, writer of Womens Infidelty: http://www.womensinfidelity.com/

To be honest I read this book a while back right after DDay#2. While it does give some great insight to females that cheat. Its a place the blame that society thinks them as not cheaters. Yet when they do, their are excuses because of who they really are.

Im sorry if your unhappy in a relationship, you work to fix it or choose to end it. You don't blame it on being misunderstood as a society.

Again I will bring up a big thing hidden here, in 4 years of M, and you choose to seek out partners that make you feel alive. When the fuck were you "touched?" Because it screams some hidden past of being SAB.

Normal people don't think at 27 years old and 4 years into M, hey Im unhappy, lets go looking for an affair. Then lets offer reasons why it is. placing the blame squarly on societys beliefs.

But you know what lets look at it from a different light. Lets say we are on an battered wife site. Now there are tons of books about why men beat women. A book shows how its a societial myth that men shouldn't beat up women. How its been going on since the dawn of men, thats why men are stronger, etc. Giving insite to why they do, and how its how they feel, how they were raised. Its justified on some level...

Im not buying it, we are all resposible for our own actions. I Don't give a flying fuck if you were SAB, you have to deal with it, also deal with the reprocussions of your actions. You don't tell the drunk driver that killed a school bus full of children, its ok you have a drinking illness, heres a book showing you why.

Everyone is responsible for their own actions! Plain and simple.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. Our whole society seems bent the blame game. When things go well for you, take credit. When things go bad, look for an external reason why things went bad. Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault!!!

I cannot see where you can get Langley's book anyway. Amazon does not have it, nor Borders or Barnes and Noble. My local huge library does not have it. The only copies are used ones for over 200 bucks.

Guess it wasn't so popular after all.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm. That's an interesting take. I didn't read Langley as her blaming society at all. I took the sociological stuff as background and explanation for the development of maladjusted attitudes about marriages that contributed to affairs. I didn't feel like she was letting anyone off the hook due to those social attitudes, though.

As far as the availability of Langley's stuff, she's a direct-through-her-website seller...but I can't give the link, 'cuz the mods don't like that (since her site has a forum attached to it). If you want it, PM me.

At the very least, I don't find her approach any more offensive than lots of the experts who talk about how BS's have to learn and fix the things they did that contributed to the affair. She certainly doesn't coddle women about "unmet emotional needs" bullshit.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
LakeCountyGuy
♂ New Member
Member # 22441
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi to all the SI folks ... new here and reading through all of the posts. Hope I can get some great info and possibly help others.

It's been nearly 5 months since my initial suspicions/discovery of the A. I've gathered enough evidence to fill a small truck, so I do know what's going on between the W and the OP. You name it, I have it and she knows she can't hide.

Oh, to make matters worse, I know him. Lovely ...

She continues to deny, deny, deny after 4 separate confrontations. She's used Jedi mind tricks, gaslighting, you name it.

I'm beginning to come out of the initial fog and anger stage. I do love her, but I'm starting to realize (finally) that the A is her fault, some deep seeded Daddy/attention/self esteem issues she's had for some time.

Hope you're all well and progressing.

LCG


Me BS-M 48
Her WS-W 38
Married 8 years, no kids

D-Day: 9/2008
Confrontations: 4
Admissions: ZERO

Op - MM, 3 kids


Posts: 1 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: IL
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LakeCounty,

Welcome to SI.

I suppose you can tell the OM's wife, if you want your wife back, or see a divorce attorney if you don;t.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Lake County Guy.

I second what Lone Rider says


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if I could ask a couple questions, not prying, but, curious.

How many of us are younger then our wives/x wives?


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, I should have started;

I'm 43, she's 49


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not me. I'm 37, wife is 33.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.