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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys. I need some help. I am having a hard, hard time resolving my anger towards the OM. I sent him a few emails and he has yet to reply. I feel like I need to hear from him, for him to at least acknowledge that I exist. Can anbody here relate to these feelings. My WW gets mad when I tell her I tried to contact him. She claims she hasn't heard from him since 2 weeks before D-day. But, I am still having a hard time just letting go of the hatred I feel for this guy. I don't think I would ever seek him out for the mere purpose of kicking his nuts in. (although I have thought about it alot.)

Has anybody here had contact with the other man? How do you resolve the anger without ever getting to "duke it out" with the OM?


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 716 | Registered: Sep 2008
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to the OM (I had reasons I needed to, other than emotional); but all he did was throw FWW under the bus, and tried to tell lies and say it was all her, and that there were many others - blah blah.

Yes - he could have been telling the truth, but I believe it's more likely that my FWW came clean. The OM has ZERO reason to come clean.

Besides, I have known this guy for 5 years, and he lied to me every time I saw him for 5 years. He stole money from me.

Yes, I would like to pop him one. In fact, if I knew he was going to accidentally fall feet first into a chipper-shredder, I would video it, and watch it over and over laughing maniacally, and I would email copies to his wife and kids.

One of my objectives was to try to get him to take a swing at me so I could beat him to a bloody pulp and claim self-defense. But he refused to meet me in person. He was not only a liar, but also a coward.

On the other hand, I will NEVER break the law to do anything to get revenge on OM. I have lost enough to him. I will not lose my freedom. My FWW's complaint against him is her problem - had she done the right thing and reported him to the police right away, it would have saved us all a lot of pain. That's her fault, and her burden to bear now.

I have fully embraced my hatred for OM. I get the feeling. . . moral teachings, etc. that I must eventually let go of this hatred. But from where I'm sitting right now, I just don't ever see that happening.

So - I guess unless you have a good reason, something tangible to possibly gain, just assume that the more you stay out of eachother's lives, the better. The more you try to contact him, the more you invite him back into your life. An OM will most likely just lie to protect themselves; and once planted, those seeds of doubt can do great damage to your R.

I have talked about a polygraph with FWW, as a result of the doubts I have because of what OM said to me. I may follow through with it, but she said she'd absolutely be willing to do it to prove she's not lying anymore.

I have read a couple of instances where BH's (and BW's) have had physical confrontations with OP, including violent ones. Most of them "won" - and they all reported feeling ashamed of themselves, but enormously satisfied that they had that opportunity to put OP in their place.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have nothing to gain by having any contact with him. You have everything to lose by contacting him. He owes you nothing. He may go to the police if he is frightened. He may lie to the police about you.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OM's in my case are not worth my time. They have already stolen far too much from me. I will not give them any of my precious time.

Sure would like to line them up behind my horse just once tho. <evil grin>


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The day after my 3rd d-day where I got the whole story, I called one of the OM. Without threatening him, I was able to scare him with a couple of facts. Other than that, I was so wired emotionally, I probably came off as a nut case

In some ways I do regret making that call. He was out of our lives, and I brought him back.

I did have one confrontation with another OM after he decided to break NC. He will not be contacting us again


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35330 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a cordial convo with OM over email. Was hoping for an appology, or some acknolment of my pain since he was a BH in his first marriage. What I got was nothing.

He said the A was all my fault because I treated my WW bad. He said the A kept going until she told him to leave, and then he did without any argueing about it. So he was saying that he was just a good guy that got caught up in a romantic fling (LTA actually) with my W, and that it was all my fault.

Oh and their soul mates you know.

Yeh Id like to castrate teh asshole, and keep his nuts in a jar on my desk. But in the end its not worth going to jail over.

Talking to this slug of a human being isnt worth your time. You wont get anything but justification and blame shifting. The convo will leave you feeling hollow inside. Think about it, to be an OM youd have to be completely lacking in morals, be totally self absorbed, be a coward, a liar, an abuser, and a thief. What would be the point of talking with someone like that? and what would you expect such a person to say?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3074 | Registered: Sep 2007
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

R-t-r;

Upon disclosure I had my FWW call OMM so I could hear her say "it's over"...(pre SI or it would've been NC letter). I grabbed the phone and threatened to track him down and cut him like a deer. Told him he had no idea who he just pissed off and that one day I would have my revenge. My FWW wouldn't give up his name which stalled my retribution plan...she finally did several months post dday.

So, patiently, I waited until that day came roughly 2 years later. He did not know me nor that I was coming. I brought a large friend with me in case we fought (my buddy agreed to keep us physically apart). I asked him simple questions IE; "like a man - tell me about the A, what gave you the right to F another man's W, does your W know, do you realize what I have gone thru"....I then started to lose my sense of control - went nose to nose with him, looked him square in the eye and was oh so close to taking his Adam's apple out when my buddy jumped inbetween us...and then the fucker ran away...he ran...the chicken-shit just ran.

And that was it. I didn't feel any better afterwards and I haven't seen him since but I at least got to see his true colors...I got to see the POS run!!

So, if you're gunna engage the scumbag, I would recommend that you bring a buddy who will be sure you don't "duke it out".

Good luck!


Posts: 1915 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
HurtDad
♂ Member
Member # 21526
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Ready,
I'm in the same boat you are with OM. Sent him an email and he never replied. I figure he is just a big p***y for not wanting to own his part.


D-Day #1 3/15/08
D-Day #2 7/23/08
Me BH 50
Her FWW 37
DS 16
DS 12
Married 19 years
Recovered best I can tell

Posts: 255 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Central Kentucky
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the only contact you should have with the OM is to warn him that he needs to get tested for the STD your wife has...whether she has one or not.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ready_to_run: think of it this way -- what does OM have to do with your WW having an A? If not him it would have been somebody.

As in my case OM (men!) are all faceless nameless entities to me. They represent what my STBX sought and that was escape from reality... nothing more.

I could beat the tar out of them or talk to them until I was blue in the face if I wanted. However, nothing in my situation would change.

The best way to move on is NC and to live well.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to these feelings from 2 marriages.
I don't have a cool eye-to-eye/duke it out revenge story here, sorry.

Actually, I did duke it out.
With myself.

For me,
letting go is a choosing to let go, first.
Then,
it's a realization that I can't let go.
(I'm not the sharpest stick around here...took @ 10 years for the first, 2? & counting for the second).

People that say "let go" actually send me into fugue, now ( remember? I can't).

So finally, I still choose, but it's more like;
"Here, you deal with this, big guy."

In a sense? I gave it to my big buddy. (ummm...trust me on this, ok? He is without question the biggest guy on the block).

In return, for some reason, I see myself standing on walls of a 144 cubit-square city.

And the sleep I have is sweet.
(unless the border collie barks at 3am dangit!)

hey ready)))))?
did the other menz mention that there's a 10 dollar bet goin on?

Proceeds to SI.
What's the percentage of men to women on here?
Braggin rights are at stake.
(them's big stakes!)


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys for the advice and perspective. I decided to send one last short email. All it said was "This is a small city so I am sure we will run into each other at some point. Then I can tell you to your face what a coward you are. I hope you sleep well."

I am not sure if this was the best approach...but that's what I did. I don't expect to hear from him and that is probably for the best I guess. Like someone posted it would be nice to get a heartfelt apology...I mean the guy WAS my wife's doctor for crying-out-loud!


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 716 | Registered: Sep 2008
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

75/25 guys to gals is my guess.


BH
D-Day #1 5/2003
D-Day #2 5-25-08
D-Day #3 6-23-08
Divorced 9-17-10


Posts: 716 | Registered: Sep 2008
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess thyme2go has a good perspective on this -

But with regard to OM #1 (her XH): We talked about NC back in 1999, on d-day #1. Their PA had occurred several years earlier, but they were still in an EA via phone.

And they broke NC. Plus, he raped her when their A started. So I had to really lay it down for him after d-day #2 - when I found out about continued NC. This OM was not the lying coward OM#3 was, and listened to what I said, and has remained in NC.

OM #2 (my best friend), our version of NC was, in 1999, upon me finding out, I phoned him and told him that I wanted him to disappear. I told him that I never wanted to hear anyone mentioning his name to me again. He sold his house, and moved somewhere, leaving no forwarding address. I never did hear about him again.

OM#3 was also a rapist. And he was a thief. And an abuser. And a persistent sonofabitch. An NC letter would have been no good, because I was afraid he would not respect it, and that he would use it against us in a "propaganda war" with our mutual friends. So for these reasons, I felt I had to call and confront him. I wanted to try to catch him, and record him admitting to raping FWW. But he wouldn't meet face to face. But I also wanted him to be really clear that any further contact would result immediately in a restraining order. Which he seems to fear. We've had no NC violations from him since then.

OM/W#4-9(?) - were all ONS's and were all "setup" encounters by OM#3. Not much constructive having anything to do with those. Though I did talk to OM #9 - he gave me the evidence I needed to finally get FWW to confess. He is an AF officer, and married, and I guess he thought I would make trouble for him if he didn't cooperate with me. He was told by FWW and OM#3 that OM#3 was FWW's H. So he was a little shocked to find out the real situation. I also thought that pictures that were taken of FWW in that encounter were intended for extortion (blackmail of FWW), so I was also talking about getting police involved, as OM#9 was an apparent accomplice to extortion, but apparently not. I did send an anonymous letter to his BW, but I never heard what happened there.

It was OM#3 I had the real problem with, and who I would really like to hurt. He came over and pretended to be my friend for 5 years, while he had stalked, raped, and manipulated my FWW into all of this. And then he ripped us off. So he's not just some random guy I could watch fade away. He's now struggling under the fraud charge I laid on him. (as well as the settlement judgment he has to pay) - And I do fear that he may change his mind and come after us again when things become sufficiently uncomfortable for him. So I really feel the need to be thorough.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like someone posted it would be nice to get a heartfelt apology...I mean the guy WAS my wife's doctor for crying-out-loud!

I did not get that from STBXWW - why should OM??? If they are capable of sleeping with a married women I highly doubt they possess any common decency.

Think about it... most OM only think about themselves. Kinda like expecting them to ask permission prior to the act.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK!
Ready's got balls.
I think he's gonna win...
(& i think he meant 25% guys too!)

So far, the mumbling braggarts' got $170!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hey, anyone else but me notice this is the BM thread?
Shit.

jj-10%
sportsfan -11%
wh5 - 12% (20 bucks!)
Finally -13%
tputer - 14%
LoLo -15%
Nvis Man -16%
Defiance-17%
Moo - 18%
Ser - 19%
TT -20%
Finally - 21%
Kuwaited - (hey K, pick!)
Ready - 25%
t2g - 27%
jj- 28%

3 more to 200!
(6 more, pendulum how you look at it)
you can bet twice too, Ready))))))))))


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K, guys, I need some help with this.

If you read my wifes thread in general, it gives you the gist of her head space.

We have to deal with this person, she not only set us up with the farm, but we use her equipment. I thought things were going alright, but apparently, as usual, I'm a guy and missed something. I don't cross any boundries with this woman, I treat her as a friend, help her out with her farm, she in turn helps us out.

How the hell am I supposed to show my wife that nothing is going on? Do FW's act suspicious because they know what can happen?


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a tough one Jimi. I think FWS can be hyper vigilant because they know how slippery the slope can be. It's also possible that she's seeing something in this woman that you are not.

We all know that actions speak louder than words. Can you think of any actions you can take to show her there's nothing there?

As I recall, this is a long standing issue. I'd bet it would be nice for you both to get it cleared up.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35330 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put me down for 23%

As to contacting the OM.....eh..why bother?

I confess...I thought about it briefly. But..I realized he wouldn't have given a shit either way. I talked with his wife. He's about as duplicitous as they come. He'd have weaved and bobbed the whole time. All I could have come up with, had I contacted him in any way, was all the standard bromides. He'd have likely laughed. I certainly couldn't have "taken" him. He's a damned sight larger than I am. She picked well.

Also..other than that fact that he was the one that my ex went after...he had nothing to do with me and the situation I found myself in. It was all her. Every last ounce of blame rested on her shoulders.

Most importantly....it would have changed NOTHING. I think if I ever do run into him (not sure how likely that is)....I'd just smile and shake my head.

[This message edited by Kuwaited at 7:46 AM, January 23rd (Friday)]


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8444 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
brokenheart45
New Member
Member # 22575
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Guys, fresh meat here...Going on three weeks from finding out the love of my life for 8 years has had 1 physical affair (1.5 yrs ago) that was a guy she worked with briefly and another that was S'supposedly" just a guy she met on a plane and was an "SMS relationship" of sorts..Not sure I believe they never hooked up either. Anyway, I am REELING from all this. We have started with a counselor, she recommended us both get on AD's and so far, it's the worse 3 weeks of my life. I can't sleep, totally on the rollercoaster you all talk about...I needed a vent, so here I am. I KNOW my girl loves me, she is totally feeling like s%^$! and this is unreal...wondering how it is going to work out. I am trying to forgive her, as Lord know's I am not a perfect man, but it is hard... please help!

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: chicago
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