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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I am a lumberjack and I'm ok, I sleep all night and I work allday" Sorry I was singing the lumber jack song from Monty Python. Nothing much going on down here!


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey I will through one out. Do you think you will ever have half the marriage you could have? My WW is a lostcause ... I am not however.

I know I should put a fork in it but the kid situation makes me stuck.

How bout you guys?


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostcause,

Not every situation is savable. If she's not willing to do the work, you need to decide how long you can stand it.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35377 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, Lostcause. Do you really think the kids are better off if you stay? They can probably tell you're unhappy, and can probably feel the tension.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your kids will be much happier with two sets of happy parents versus one set of miserable ones.


Think about it...


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife is a nursing student set to graduate in May. On the way home from school the other day, my 14y.o. son asked me (after one of those deep, thoughtful silences):

"Are you going to divorce mom when she finally has a job?"

I said, "Not planning on it."

He said, "Are you sure?"

I said, "What's going on? Do you feel like there are problems at home?"

He answered, "No. You guys seem to get along okay. There isn't any big fighting or tension. I just figured that after what she did, you were just waiting until she could take care of herself financially, and then go."

It took me a minute to realize that his mom's been on his ass lately, and he's been trying to assert his independence...and a small part of him is hoping we divorce so he can come live with me.

We talk sometimes about what we're teaching our kids by attempting to reconcile. I'm not sure whether to be discouraged or not that my sons are apparently as baffled about why you would stay with a cheating spouse as I am.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I Don't think there is a right or wrong answer. Sticking around just for the kids is sometimes the excuse, but other times its the reason. If you get my drift. To many times people stay together unhappy just for the kids, other times its the only reason they stay. So there is no right or wrong answers to that question. Divorce in itself basically ruins everything no one comes out really ahead. Yet at the same time at times, its the only way to assure the peace for the children.

There is no right or wrong answers, just do what you can from your heart is in the best interest. Forgive with caution, yet with an understanding heart. Know your limits of what you can forgive. Never look back on a decision you make with your heart and insticts. Because thats all in life you get to guide you.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TT - right there bro. I am still here because I don't have what it takes in my heart to walk away. I just can do that to DS. I pay a heavy price that my W doesn't get a slight clue about.

But even that, I can't seem to find it in me to walk away.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the first to admit that 99% of the reason I stayed for a long time was because of my kids. Not just because of the damage divorce would do to them, but also fear about their bipolar mother having primary custody without me to serve as a buffer between them. (And because I'd have sooner gnawed my own arm off than have paid my cheating wife child support.)

More than even that, though, I just didn't want to be apart from them. I've already got one son from my first marriage that I only see every other weekend, and as much as I love him, the distance I feel between my life and his is one of the greatest tragedies of my life.

The fact that my wife and I get along well at this point is really just a bonus, because I was staying either way.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see my son from a relationship I had 20 years back. We email occasionally - but we're a lot more distant than we probably otherwise would be. It really hurts to not have that.

I really don't want that to happen with my relationship with my other kids.

If FWW would walk away, not ask for custody, or support, I think that would make me very very happy.

I also think that - there is a chance that years down the road, FWW may actually make the changes I need her to make, and I might actually be happy with her. I can't imagine what that might be like - but I'm not ruling out that possibility, and I'm giving it plenty of time. By that time: DD will be 18 and moved out anyway.

Both of my kids will get a thorough explanation from me. They're both going to know why I'm staying (I think it's better for both of them, if our family stays together at least until they're 18, and I think that they both would prefer us to be together). And they're both going to be taught that it's better to be alone, than to "settle for" a cheating spouse. I'm going to make sure they're both equipped to be VERY picky when choosing a spouse, to have pre-nups in place, and wait a very long time before getting tied down with kids.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If FWW would walk away, not ask for custody, or support, I think that would make me very very happy.

If we're being completely honest, would any of us say that this wasn't the ideal scenario?

I realized awhile ago that when I chose to reconcile, I was choosing to reconcile my family. As long as I thought of it in terms of reconciling with my wife, I was stuck...because the truth is that as an individual, she just doesn't bring enough to the table to make it something that I want enough to be willing to go through all of the shit it takes to reconcile.

But with the kids as a package, well, then I fall back on the wisdom of the ancient poets:

You take the good,
You take the bad,
You take them both
And there you have
The facts of life.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to make sure they're both equipped to be VERY picky when choosing a spouse, to have pre-nups in place, and wait a very long time before getting tied down with kids.

What does that have to do with infidelity?!?!?

Are you saying I (we!) messed up by choosing a spouse we loved and thought would never betray us?

I would not do anything different if I could do it over again.

As it seems drugs may have played a factor in my situation, I have no defence against those.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think part of what he's saying, t2g, is that for lots of us, infidelity taught us some hard lessons about the sorts of women we'd pick as "marriage material" in the first place, and hope we could pass that wisdom on to our kids.

Really, knowing what I know now about looking at FOO, sexual abuse, patterns of behavior and an individual's sexual history, my wife would have been pretty easy to tag as a likely future adulterer to someone who had a better eye.

Obviously, there are plenty of folks for whom infidelity is an aberration -- a severe failure of coping mechanisms or something similar, but for some of us, we just ended up with poor candidates because we weren't savvy enough to understand that severely broken people usually stay broken. You can't love them out of being dysfunctional.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
cani4give
♂ Member
Member # 19601
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very true, WAL.

[This message edited by cani4give at 10:34 PM, July 6th (Monday)]


BH: Me
FWW: Her
2 amazing children

Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2008
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, March 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you saying I (we!) messed up by choosing a spouse we loved and thought would never betray us?

I would not do anything different if I could do it over again.

I don't think its possible to know that anyone will cheat. We have already gone through the life, and here we are. Yes we learned lessons, broken people are everywhere. But none of it guarentees anything, people who cheat do so on their own accord. There is simply no way to know if someone is gunna cheat on ya, despite the lessons we have learned.

Pre-nups in themselves are a joke. Its a false belief of protection. As they say the number one cause of Divorce is Marriage. Going into a M thinking if it ends your protected, why get M in the first place.

Even with the knowledge we learned, there simply was no way to know how it would all end. It is what it is, second guessing it at this point is pretty much pointless. There is simply no way to know the future.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
ClanDestan
♂ New Member
Member # 20991
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, March 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Should have realized how "alone" I felt was an illusion.
I hope to learn from my misteaks, but I still want to ask "those" questions...You all know the ones...

Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2008
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, March 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know I appreciate the chatter on the choices we make. I too have choosen to stay with it for the sake of the kids. I run the gambut of experiences and I do not want my DS9 to have to deal with some of it. And it is not like my life completely sucks, just the inner one.

I am not sure if the price will be too much (not sure how that will be determined) but if I can get DS up and out, and if I can still be there with/for him, then I might see it as a success. Who really knows.

I think many of us gon into some of these M and never really understand what tommorrow will bring to us.

I knew about W SAb issues before, yet I really knew nothing about what it all meant, and what it could do to a person. A very sad commentary. But it also has not changed the love I feel inside.

I know I am probably wrong here, but I see so much of what she is doing as just the defensive mechanisms she has put in place and have maintained.

Am I suppose to say that this is no longer acceptable and leave because of it, or do we try to find a differenct path to make life more compatable. It envolves so much more. One thing I had no problem being upfront about, that the infidelity is not acceptable. I feel like she feel s the same way. We do bump into the defination of things, but PA is not in question.

I know that I see some of this as a need to share the troubles because I know she has had to put up with me and my defensive posturing concerning my inabilities to deal with the guilt from the lose of my DD. She had nothing whatsoever to do with that. It was history for me, not her. Just as her SAb is history for her not for me. I too deal with a loss of parents, she has not traveled that road yet. We all have many types of traumas in our lives that dictate to us.

We also share many different points of view and values within us. So many of these never see the light of day until presented with a situation not in the handbook.

I know I don't know about prenups. Never have had anythiong of value to protect, nor anything I wouldn't be willing to share completely with my W. As I tell my W now. I need a partner, not a partial partner.

Anyway guys, I appreciate the conversation here. It is interesting. We all choose our paths for many reasons, but we also all seem to want to share our paths with our children. To me I find that a very rewarding form of companionship to stand beside and share a moment in time with.

Thanks.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as I love my DW, if my daughters ever dated someone who I suspected had SAb issues, I'd encourage them to end the relationship.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not now about my ex w sab issues. I did not know the consequences(promiscuity).


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanna clear up the SAB thing. I never knew my XWW was SAB from the time she was 5-12 years old from her dad, and cousin. Never knew, wasn't something talked about, or even on my brain when I met her. I found out after DDay #2 trying to peice things together from her sister who dis-owned the family for not accepting it was something that they all went through.

The thing is their are survivers of SAB and there are still victims, bottom line.

My SO is a survivor, she was SAB from her grandpa when she was 6. Told her parents right away about the bad touch. Her mom knew straight away she was also from him.

My SO was very forward when I asked the question when first dating. Thats the big thing, If they feel its their fault and hide it. SAB is always someone elses fault the person doing it. They never asked for it to be done to them...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
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