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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I hear you. What I have gotten the most from all of this is an education. W mentioned it, basicly because she knew I wondered about some behavior issues. But what I never had a clue about was all of the effects, side effects and counter effects of it. Plus all of the defensive mechanisms, the walls, and the lack of emotional maturity. There is just so much involved.

I do also agree that if I could I would discourage a future relationship with such unless they have found a better path with themselves and had approperiate tools in place to deal with issue.

Problem is of course we dont always find out until we're hooked.

Guys I can tell you this is one heck of a ride. I am hoping I can find some decent resolution soon. But since I can't flip to the back page, I'll have to do one day at a time.

Thanks


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurts - quit trying to solve life and start living life.

It seems you are seeking an answer that does not exist. Enjoy what you do have as it is much more than I.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but for some of us, we just ended up with poor candidates because we weren't savvy enough to understand that severely broken people usually stay broken. You can't love them out of being dysfunctional.

Well, that was me. I knew she was troubled - but I thought if I just loved her enough, comforted and confided enough, that she would be able to be happy.

MC suspects that FWW was SAb, and has repressed memories. There have been some "fishy" stories of her childhood, her father was a WS and abandoned the family when FWW was 2, mom was depressed and took it out on FWW and her sister, so there was emotional abuse - and some of her mom's boyfriends may have sexually abused her - but nobody will fess-up.

My big indicator was - when we were dating, FWW was S from her first H. Until I found out she wasn't, really. So I broke up with her. She came back to me, and promised to leave him - but she didn't keep that promise, so I left her again. Somehow, he found out, and D'd her, and then she came back to me again. I KNEW she was a lying cheater, and I was egotistical enough to hope that it was his fault (like she said), and that she wouldn't cheat on me.

My kids will know: NEVER trust a cheater (or an abuser of any other type). Period. Don't waste any more time on a cheater after you find out. I hope they have enough sense to listen to me. I didn't listen to my parents though.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is no matter what path you take. If kids are involved your still dealing with them, the WS.

I don't think my XWW has the slightest clue of how it feels of her actions on the other foot. I think that capablity is totally beyond her... Its not just about her cheating, going out meeting strange guys, having orgies in her honor.

Its about my son, being dropped of by on of her friends Husbands (Both of who I never met in my life.) Knocking on random car windows asking if they were me to drop of my 15 month old son.

Something is SOOOO fucking wrong about that. Then get told they are picking my son up from that location at the end of the weekend, and when asked who they are getting told they are only the messenger!? Who does that?! You think on Gods green earth I would return my son to you?! Angry isn't the word...

Im so sick of this game playing, what the fuck is next shit. Where is my son at now game. Who are these people. Why do I havta run their licsense plate numbers to see who they belong to to get a phone number to ask why they have my son.

Course my XWW emails its no big deal.. Course its not a big deal to leave our son with random strangers, but they are her friends in some sort of way. Course our son has a raging double ear infection, and she had a vacation to go on...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TT)))))))))
just damn

Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cani4give
♂ Member
Member # 19601
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TwiceTorn, wow - I can't believe a parent would leave their child with a stranger. Sorry man, that is tough.


BH: Me
FWW: Her
2 amazing children

Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2008
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know XWW doesn't give a shit about me, I understand that. But more and more shes proving she really doesn't care about our son, or his family either.

Tonights case in point, I had him for 3 hours at my parents house, my XWW dropped him off right before I got there. His diaper was full, not just he needs a change full, more like he hadn't been changed for half a day. So bad the silcon part of the diaper had broken down and was spilling. Let alone the amount of poop.

I guess whatever... So I get my son all cleaned up with a quick bath. Had a great time with grandma and grandpa. So the 4 of us were sitting around the dinner table talking about life and such. I tell them about the long hours Im putting in trying to make ends meet with the child support im ordered to pay. My Dad pipes in about a report he read from the Dept of AG that the cost to raise a child from birth to 17 years old is $206,000 dollars. To which I say doing a little quick math in my head, whats XWW doing with the other $250,000. Now I never told my parents what I was paying in CS. My mom says what do you mean, and I told her that right now Im court ordered to pay $2300 a month. It kinda floored both of them, and my moms like hows that even possible?

My SO, the ever prepaired one put a copy of the Temp court judgement in the diaper bag, just in case my XWW pulled something when I was supposed to have my son. I pulled it out and let my Mom read it. It has copies of my 2002 and 2003 W2's and all. My mom turns to my dad and says she lied to us!

Turns out back then my XWW met with my parents claiming how bad off we were and her student loans were getting so far behind. That we were barely making it even with me working overtime. My parents decided to pay off all her student loans.

That fucking bitch... The more I learn the more I hate her, she played my whole family!

[This message edited by TwiceTorn at 12:22 AM, March 13th (Friday)]


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys I have song that I just crank. It discribes exactly how many of us feel. But we should really understand who we are...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75f2bUnJCoY

311-You wouldn't believe. Great song and lyrics just fit for all of us..


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
Oxybeles
♂ New Member
Member # 23199
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to post this in the I Can Relate because I am having a very hard time finding people who can give me real, unbiased advice on this, and I need to talk to some people that have actually tried it.

I am 25, she is 29. We've been together for 5 years. She thinks she is bisexual, I've known this for a few years now, but never knew what to do about it.

A week ago I caught my SO in a huge web of lies that have been building for years. She had a PA with a co-worker, we are working on a reconciliation and I am trying to build my trust in her. We've talked about everything that we never talked about over the past 5 years almost non-stop this past week, and one sore point keeps creeping up. If we can get our relationship back to the point it needs to be at, and be in a good place, she is still going to feel urges to experience other women. She feels that she can control any urges to sleep with other men, but doesn't know if this will extend to women as well. We've talked it over and she feels that one way to handle this would be for me to find women online that want to join in a threesome with us.

I'm torn here. I know it is going to be quite some time before our relationship gets to the point where anything like this would happen, so I have a long time to contemplate this, but I want to know if anyone else has been faced with the situation I am in, what you did about it, how your relationship turned out, and how it made you feel.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Phoenix
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oxybeles, Honestly what she telling you is her needs come first. I doesn't matter her sexual orintation or anything. She wants what she wants and you are to be acceptable of it. All I can think of are bad outcomes of letting her get her way.

Your not a tool in the shed she can just pull out, or have a fall back too. Think about yourself, what do you want? She has shown you who she really is, shes not gonna change, unless she puts the effort in.

Honestly, Run! Your not married, no tie downs. Move on to a better life without this shit. Every moment of indecision is counting against the rest of your life. Trust me their are women that will value you just the way you are.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ox)))
I'm worried about you, man. Did you go to the SAb threads in ICR?

There, you will read stories of lives that have directly been affected - stories of major damage.
You seem to be "bargaining" with the beast.
The only outcome I've seen is more destruction. Loss of integrity, soul, character, whatever you want to call it.

Uniting yourself with one who cannot control their desires is a recipe for erosion of your self.

You cannot play with this type of fire without getting burned.
Right now, you're thinking you can.

I suspect this because when you ask for an unbiased opinion, what you're really seeking is permission. 50 people will tell you to run - or at the very least, get IC.
I think you're waiting for the one who says; "Go for it, man!"

Don't mean to sound harsh, bro. Believe me, I know what it's like to hear stuff you don't want to hear, or that you just can't hear...we all get that.
I mean, if you really want to research it, you can probably find forums of people who have tried it, and come out of it...see what personal struggles they're having now.

But for sure, the beast you're bargaining with, that you're considering feeding?
Will eat you in the end.


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's getting to be LAST CALL!

The wager is:
What percentage of men to wimmenz are there on SI?

If you haven't seen this yet (new bm's lol, etc...)
or haven't bet,
it's ten bucks (or more ) for a percentage-number.
Proceeds to help SI.
Winner gets braggin rights
Big stuff!...
and
"more fun and surprises"
Bigger stuff!...

So get the final bets in guys. Window's about to close!

trust me,
you wanna get in on this before "the other window" (shhhhh!) opens...

So far, we got $230 from the BM of SI...(has a ring to it don't it? sort of a pong you might say...)

1. jj-10% ($20)
2. sportsfan -11%
3. wh5 - 12% ($20)
4. Finally -13%
5. tputer - 14% ($20)
6. LoLo -15%
7. Nvis Man -16%
8. Defiance-17%
9. Moo - 18%
10. Ser - 19%
11. TT -20% ($30)
12. Finally - 21%
13. Kuwaited 23%($40)
14. Ready - 25%
15. t2g - 27%

Let's 'represent' to the mean-ole estrogen jungle out there!


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, here's a new one:

My wife told me last night that I needed to worry about the karma coming my way because I haven't done the forgive/forget thing with xOM yet.

(Background: xOM was my best friend for 20 years, all the way back to high school. He fucked my wife for 2 years behind my back.)

I said, "You're worried about *my* karma?"

She said, "Yes. You're setting yourself up for a big fall by thinking you're so much better than he is."

I said, "Don't you have enough karma to worry about on your own?"

And she answered, "I already got my karma. I had an affair and suffered all the way through it."

After a bit more discussion, apparently in her book, me holding a grudge against the guy who fucked my wife is infinitely worse on the karma scale than infidelity.

I have to admit that I have absolutely nowhere to go with this. It's so chock full 'o stupid that I don't think it's worth even tackling.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like she justifying her actions WAL. Shes projecting blame on to you by not forgiving.

Personally, I would ask her to go to the window and tell ya what color the sky is in her world! Course arguing with a child is futile on all attempts, and you know this.

No you don't havta forgive the OM, or even think hes an equal in any shape or form as you. I wonder what game shes playing now, saying such stuff!?


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
cani4give
♂ Member
Member # 19601
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL, that is completely asinine, IMO. I have absoluetly ZERO plans to forgive OMM and am quite fine with that. And I'd argue that you ARE much better than someone who has to prey on somebody else's wife for affection.


BH: Me
FWW: Her
2 amazing children

Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2008
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JJCT,

AHA !!! I have now seen this bet that you speak of.

BoB

PS They out gun us big time.


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL, man I can hear that. Where do you take that disillusional crap. And yet I do agree that it is just another justification route.

Sorry that this crap is still hanging around.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL,

You have to let this go. You are playing by her rules and as we all know the rules of a WW make no sense whatsoever.

Case in point. My XW (our divorce was final this past Monday) had this to say about why we got divorced. Let me set the stage to highlight how out of touch WW's are. We just got divorced in front of the judge. We wanted to get certified copies of the decree so we had to wait a bit. We were sitting in the county cafeteria and she voluteers this thought.

"We got divorced because we just couldn't agree"

Agree about what? That fucking another married man would be good for our marriage? I was literally speechless but had enought sense to cut off the conversation by telling her that I did not want to talk about it. The capacity for these people to minimize the consequences of their actions and the devastation those actions bring is almost beyone belief. Just when I thought I had heard it all I am surprised again.

To be fair, I have to say that WW's have their own issues to deal with and most likely do the best they can. But that is the key. They only do the best THEY can. Why would you want to be so limited and live live on their terms?

The answer? You don't. Live life on your terms because once you are divorced you can open yourself to meeting someone who can function normally. Not live live with one (or more) hands tied behind their back.

Stay strong bro.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ww said I forced her to file for D. She thinks me snooping forced her to leave. The justifications kept getting more weird. The more you talk to the WW the crazier it gets.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wal,
It's nice to know she's looking out for your best interests

Is it stupid, or just delusional?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35359 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
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