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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey man, it isn't shame. It was an expression of the inner you. It just needed to get out. Don't be afraid of who or what you are.

If I regret anything about all of this, it would be me hanging on so long hoping for a change. I still have no idea where I am heading or what will happen. But when I'm done, I will feel like I gave it every possible thing I had. I have cried bucket fulls, no shame, I just can't help myself sometimes.

Jason, your a good man, if you were not , you would not be here trying to find your path. Glad to have you here (considering )


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lefthanging,

The trust thing was a huge issue for me. Like you say, it's always a question, but, it would be as much an issue with anyone else. The broken trust goes way deeper then just with her. So, if I have to put up with it with someone, it might as well be her.

As for the shame thing; there's no shame in crying. I'm a big, tough, cowboy, but I cry. As a matter of fact, this whole ordeal has taught me, that I do have feelings, and emotions. Sometimes it's ok to cry.

Just don't let the other cowboys see you. That whole broke back mountain thing, and all.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jason, nothing wrong with crying. If you don't let it out it will hurt you. Ten years ago my mom died. I tried to keep it inside. I ended up with a bleeding ulcer a months after her death.
The first 6 months or so I would go home at lunch. I live close to work. I went home to cry. Almost every day.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
jasonguitarboy
♂ Member
Member # 22939
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its not just the crying. I've cried a lot with my wife, and by myself. But its those two times with my dad and my mom that get me. I don't know what it is about those times. I feel like a fool for some reason. Like they're gonna think I'm some kind of idiot. I've asked both of them a couple times if they thought I was dumb for the way I acted and of course they tell me no. But what do they really think? You know? All the other cryin' I am fine with. Maybe I just need a shrink. IDK.


What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.....right?
"And there's a change, that even with regret, cannot be undone."
"No one plans to take the path that leads us lower..."
Me-BS 35
Her-WS 32 (surviving1979)

Posts: 185 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: nowhere
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was a kid he came up with a secret code we could use to make it easier. "how 'bout them bears". Anyways. I flat out bawled as my dad held me. (I feel all dumb just typing it!) Every time I look back on that I want to crawl inside myself and hide.

Crying -- the bleeding of pain from our souls. Just be thankful you had your father available to hold you while you cried. In the aftermath of Dday and separation I was forced to spend all of my free time helping my dad slowly pass away from his illnesses. In his very grave health condition he was not able to provide any fatherly advice nor comfort.

Please, for may sake, do not feel stupid or embarrassed.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, April 12th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bro's... you all are getting a bit rowdy in here!

Tone it down a little will ya?


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 12:16 AM, April 21st (Tuesday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello hurts! I am doing fine - thanks for asking! I can hardly get a word in edge-wise with you.

Nice talkin' with ya - drop by anytime.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're just all so chatty


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You all come back when you can't stay so long! Don't let the screen door slap you on the way out.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I was in here just enjoying the peace and quiet and then you guys show up and make noise!!!

Guess I'll have to find another place to meditate...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man I can hear that.

You know I don't mind company...

or even a small party.

But this crowd here, and so roudy too.

My head hurts.

I think I'll go try some asprin.......


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Finallyawake
♂ Member
Member # 21554
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been gone a bit. I read the past three pages or so and have to comment about the difference between R and D in terms of healing.

If you have a WW who owns up and makes a daily effort, like when you were dating, to be a part of your marriage you have a chance. Maybe it takes a bit of time, maybe they have work to do on their own for a bit. The key for me seems to be EFFORT.

When you are married to broken, someone who does not recognize that self destructive behaviors are toxic in the long run you are probably going to struggle. Maybe you can come to peace on it, maybe not.

My D is final now. March 16th this year as a matter of fact. The road leading up to it was brutal even though we had a cooperative divorce. Emotionally, I was a wreck and cried many times. I cried for the loss of my M, the loss of the dreeam I had for my family, my sons, and for me.

But I am only a little more than one month out and already starting to feel better. The week after she was gone from our house I started feeling so much lighter in my heart. The daily grind of living with broken was not there anymore.

More importantly, over the next couple of weeks I found myself being a much better dad. More patient, more fun, more loving with my sons. We split time with them week to week and I miss them terribly sometimes (I always miss them, but some days are harder than others). But I am a better dad now.

And I am the parent with both feet on the ground.

I am also getting back to being better at my job. I want to do it now. Before, during all the D shit, I did not care. Not good. I would also add that before D-day I did not care much either because I was worn out wondering if my M was ever going to be better. This, while she was fucking some married guy she works with. Nice, huh

Do I miss my XW still? Some days. But it is really missing what I thought I had, not what I really had. This is a key difference.

So if you can stay in your M and be OK with it good for you. I am just trying to add to an earlier point that leaving can bring a lot of healing and growth because you are finally back in sunlight. You are nourishing yourself.

If this sounds like preaching, please believe it is not.

My IC has said repeatedly to me that I could have stayed in my M for another 10 years as long as I was a good boy who played by her broken rules. And I would have ruined my kids and ruined me. No thanks.

One of the gals on SI recommended a book to me. "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing". I have been reading it and for those of you who wonder why you stay when you feel like leaving it is a good read.


On my own and a better man for it

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Phoenix
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But it is really missing what I thought I had, not what I really had.

Good point FA. I too struggle with this. I think with time, once we're past the sharpest pain, that it's an easy trap to fall into just focusing on the good things.


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
UGetLucky2
♂ Member
Member # 18661
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finallyawake, I think I could have written your post word for word.

The hardest part for me has been the loss of my children. I have them week to week, like you. But, going from them being in your life 100% of the time...to now they are physically in your life 50% of the time, is a killer. Hurts me in my core everyday.

While I used to be angry at my XW, now I just feel sorry for her. She has aligned herself with a man that will ultimately hurt her. But, they are soulmates, right? As I'm sure he told his 1st and 2nd wives that as well. He may have told his 3rd and 4th that as well...but I only know about 2 of his previous wives. I spoke with his last wife (the one he is D now to be with my XW), and she indicated there were 3 before her. he,he,he

Now I just look back in amazement. I'm not perfect! But, I'm a good man and a good father. I was with my XW for 20 years, from the time we were 16. Sometimes I wonder if it just doesn't pay being a "good guy".

Anyway, I digress...I think once I can heal from the pain in my heart from missing my kids....my life will be fully back on track. I'm with you FA, I'm doing great in my job, going back to school for my MBA...life is becoming alive again. I've realized I don't need her in my life for my life to be fullfilled. It's her loss not being with a man that really did love her...


Me: BS 37
WW: 37
Married: 10 years, together 20
2 Kids: D8, S3
D-day 8\6\07
Divorce: 3\20\08

Posts: 85 | Registered: Mar 2008
cani4give
♂ Member
Member # 19601
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I'll ever call OM, but plan on calling his BW real soon. I'll let you know how it turns out.

[This message edited by cani4give at 10:30 PM, July 6th (Monday)]


BH: Me
FWW: Her
2 amazing children

Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2008
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to call the bw as soon as possible.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
caretoomuch
♂ Member
Member # 12625
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 9th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi lads , remember me? Just checking in. Hope you guys from 2 1/2 years (YES!!) ago are ok. I struggle everyday... What a legacy. The effects of this betrayal om me have been simply character changing. Some for the best others well...... I know I am not the same person . I was almost like a rebirth into a different but more "real" reality. The pain of birth ,the growing up . .
To new guys...I know one thing .If you sense NO REMORSE (not just regret at getting caught) but no true remorse. Get organized and leave. Remember get organized first. The lawyers are just boning knives with which you financially skin your adversary. IMHO.


2006..Me 48
WW 47 OCD/ Sex Abuse by brother
Married 21 years,together 27
Teenagers
PA when engaged and now 3 1/2 yr PA with best friend
Dday 10 Nov 2006
Dont feel too bad ,people destroy the ones they love all the time.Its n

Posts: 640 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: floating, 2012..going
MrTrusting
♂ Member
Member # 24048
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, May 20th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do other men get some kind of sick thrill at destroying marriages and the kids that are created in them?


MrTrusting

Posts: 78 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Delaware
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