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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 3
lumpy
♂ Member
Member # 20121
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, May 20th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do other men get some kind of sick thrill at destroying marriages and the kids that are created in them?

You know I was wondering that very thing last night. What motivates someone to come in and knowingly destroy a family? OM#2, in my case, was confronted by his daughter about that very thing when the affair started. It didn't change anything, I guess they were in love.


delete me

Posts: 206 | Registered: Jul 2008
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, May 20th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do other men get some kind of sick thrill at destroying marriages and the kids that are created in them?

OM#3 certainly did.

He told FWW that he gets a thrill out of being able to "seduce" married women, and that he enjoys feeling "superior" to the BH's.

OM#3 is a drug addict, and has never really held down a steady job (but is a very successful moocher - kept his family off the streets so far - there are more willing victims out there than I can possibly warn!).

He also has a certain political viewpoint (really likes to talk-up those "family values") - and seems to specifically target WW's whose BH's have the opposite political views. Then he tries to befriend them, and argue with them.

He's also kind of smug about the fact that he's "going to hell" - to use his words.
If he's going to hell, I hope I am too, and I hope I get the job of turning the spit he's roasting on for eternity.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, May 21st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate OM with ever fibre of my soul and it has taken so much for me not to get revenge on him.

To me the real enemy was in our own homes.

But I digress I am happy you guys in D are doing OK.

I am close in my heart but damn the 50% kid angle kills me big time.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, May 23rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sick? most definitely!
Thrill?
hm. i told my first wife who cheated on me too btw, hey s'pose you could have a hundred years of the world's greatest sex, the rest of your life,
is it STILL worth it for eternal life?

So whatever thrill it was, it will most definitely, be long gone i spose,
when those pages turn.

noo-bs)))))
lissen,
backaways we came up with an idea...p 35?,
anyway.
we started a bet.

What's the percentage of M to F on SI?
Proceeds to SI.
Some percentage numbers are already taken.
What's your spot?
we still got numbers open!
10 bucks a spot!
still some bets left.
i see we're at 230 and i been threatinin to close the dang window a long time.
Proceeds to SI. 10 bucks a spot.
you think we can get this thing to 250? 3?

1. jj-10% ($20)
2. sportsfan -11%
3. wh5 - 12% ($20)
4. Finally -13%
5. tputer - 14% ($20)
6. LoLo -15%
7. Nvis Man -16%
8. Defiance-17%
9. Moo - 18%
10. Ser - 19%
11. TT -20% ($30)
12. Finally - 21%
13. Kuwaited 23%($40)
14. Ready - 25%
15. t2g - 27%

my math sux, i gotta get help, but i think we're at 230.
let's get to 250 at least!
to get the math easier.

i like TT's song posted, but now, since they prolly got alot of hits from si, they're advertisin plentof fish...tryin to make money, get their dicks wet, in this temporary thing, this life.

311's "You Wouldn't Believe"

plus, i plan on challengin the wimmens (Proceeds to SI).
this place is WAY cheaper than paid listeners.


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, May 23rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do other men get some kind of sick thrill at destroying marriages and the kids that are created in them?

Honestly who gives a flying phuck? These people are pieces of shit that we as BS's shouldn't give a thought to, much less 2 squirts of piss. We weren't in a devoted relationship with them. The energy should be pointed right at the person we did make that commitment to. It takes 2 to cheat, we are only involved with the one. I don't by the whole seduction, and someone is helpless to its pull. A choice was made to go after it...

Focus the energy on the person that strayed, the OM simply doesn't matter. Hes a waste of energy...

Heres a good song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4yIxIhO23c

Its a flash back to the 80's, the video is funny, but the song is good.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
BitterExperience
♂ Member
Member # 24140
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 27th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes 2 to cheat, we are only involved with the one.

Words to live by.


BS (me): 48.
WW (Her): 45.
Married: 23 years.
The OM: An old (from college) flame.
D-Day: 05/20/09
Previous D-Day: 8 years ago.
Kids: 2 (not really kids anymore)
Filing for divorce as soon as financial issues are ironed out.

Posts: 155 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Chicago
cani4give
♂ Member
Member # 19601
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, May 27th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heres a good song

Love that video!


BH: Me
FWW: Her
2 amazing children

Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2008
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, May 30th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brand new here, and thanks just for being. D-day was May 5th. It is all so new. I can't believe I will have more rage in 6 months. Ww decided she is conflicted-- about me, the om (deserves no capital), the R. We agreed to work on ourselves for the summer and decide if the R will be worth it. Her only remorse is she hurt me and feels guilty for that. Otherwise she seems to feel justified. I point out regularly how the om has no integrity, cheated on his wife, took advantage of her in a depressed state, was only concerned about his family, kept referring to it as a game, wanted his home cake and a party at the monthly conferences with occasional booty call when he was in town (power and sex), and was probably bragging about his mistress to other guys. This always freaks her out and makes her angry and accusing me of just wanting to hurt her. Part of this is true. But mostly I want her to see what the A did to her-- took away her integrity, threatened her family,threatened her career distanced her from the kids and her family.
Sorry, rambling here, but... this fucking sucks and I never thought pain could encompass everything like it does. Nobody I talk to seems to understand. The IC is helpful but she is supposed to be. You here, get it. So-- when do I get my feet, stop rollercoastering, stop being obsessed?
There is limited transparency. She agreed to non-work NC but how do I know? She is seeing IC but wants to stop. She is taking depression meds--
I don't know if I want to work on R--
I want to hate her, but I can't. I also know I will never get over this, either.
I grieve for what I thought could be, was supposed to be-- and it is horrible. I look at the babies 9,6,2 and know they don't deserve whatever is going to happen.
The selfishness is amazing to me. I was blind sided and it is insane-- I feel insane. I reached out constantly and it was cold and disrespectful-- of course all my fault because because because...
Right now I want her to not only own her shit but eat it too.
I read in earlier posts that most Ww do just enough, just act enough, just pretend enough to get by. I think that is what will happen here. I just want out-- but that stupid love thing and the impact on the kids.
Sorry if I off threaded, it just feels so lonely everyday. If it weren't for the kids and the household chores I'd go insane. Just thanks for being here.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, May 30th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a good note-- I did loose 35 lbs, found my core was intact and pretty strong (like Iron Man's powersource) and that I am the better person-- and a really good person in general. If it was a contest, I'd win, but then it always seems that the nice guys finish last even if they win the drawing.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, May 30th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-day was May 5th. It is all so new... We agreed to work on ourselves for the summer and decide if the R will be worth it.

Plan to give yourself six months to recover your sanity before you make a decision about your M.

Her only remorse is she hurt me and feels guilty for that.

More than my STBX who had none.

Sorry, rambling here, but... this fucking sucks and I never thought pain could encompass everything like it does. Nobody I talk to seems to understand. The IC is helpful but she is supposed to be. You here, get it. So-- when do I get my feet, stop rollercoastering, stop being obsessed?

You are correct! Until betrayed, nobody can possibly understand how it feels. And boy, do I ever know how it feels. Recovery and healing time varies by individual -- just know you will recover regardless of which path your life takes. Time is the four letter factor controlling your recovery. I have been separated almost two years and will hopefully have my divorce completed in the near future. I am doing quite well at this point regardless.

If it was a contest, I'd win, but then it always seems that the nice guys finish last even if they win the drawing.

No, not true!


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, May 30th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Greetings, quedagh.

Like t2g says above, you're just starting on the rollercoaster. It's going to be awhile before you get your feet under you again.

The advice about giving the M six months is good. Emotionally, I tend to believe that as soon as the BS gets the courage/anger/whatever together to end the marriage, they should go for it...but SI has shown me that 6 months is a good cooling off period because by then, if you still want to leave, you've had a chance to think more rationally about protecting your assets instead of just getting the hell out of Dodge.

I can't believe I will have more rage in 6 months.

I still get brief rages at 2.5 years out. There's part of me that still can't believe my wife was such a stupid fucking c*nt...and probably never will completely forgive her for it.

I compare it to learning your neighbor is a porn actor. Doesn't mean you necessarily stop hanging out with them, but the respect level plunges through the floor and you can't help but categorize them as one of those sorts of people. A little loud, a little trashy, a little...just...dirty.

Ww decided she is conflicted-- about me, the om (deserves no capital), the R.

And she'll feel this way as long as you allow it to go on. Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library. WW's have a tendency to waffle as long as they're convinced that their husband isn't going to leave them.

You should be doing as much as you can to undermine that confidence. You need to start being less reliable.

Remember: the WS is the one who should be fighting to win you back, never the other way around.

I point out regularly how the om has no integrity, cheated on his wife, took advantage of her in a depressed state, was only concerned about his family, kept referring to it as a game, wanted his home cake and a party at the monthly conferences with occasional booty call when he was in town (power and sex), and was probably bragging about his mistress to other guys. This always freaks her out and makes her angry and accusing me of just wanting to hurt her. Part of this is true.

This is where you need to be careful: don't fall into the trap of believing that your wife was some naive, innocent thing in this game. She knew exactly what she was doing and who she was doing it with. She was just as likely the aggressor as the om was.

You need to get the image out of your head that she was taken advantage of. She wasn't. When you give in to the urge to pity her for being enough of a dumbass to fall for "his" lies and lines, you're letting her off the hook.

More to the point: don't expect her to be too hard on om and what a bad person he is. She's too freshly out of the A to differentiate herself from him. She's got to cling to the fantasy that they had a star-crossed romance...otherwise she's forced to conclude that she's just another run-of-the-mill homewrecking slut. Which, of course, she is. He's married. That means she's a homewrecking slut, whatever fairy tales she wants to spin to protect herself.

So-- when do I get my feet, stop rollercoastering, stop being obsessed?

It took me almost two full years to feel like I had my life back.

And if I was still the sort of person who highly valued marriage, still wanted to think of my wife as my best friend, still believed we could/should make this the BEST MARRIAGE EVAR...I'd probably still be struggling.

Affairs change things. I think the BH's who put things back together and get back to great marriages have exceptional WW's who work their asses off for the rest of their lives to show their remorse. I think they're the exception to the rule. And I think that most BH's would be better off in the long term getting divorced and throwing away their worthless spouse as early in the process as possible.

(Unfortunately, most of us have considerations we need to weigh other than just personal emotional well-being: kids and our financial viability being chief amongst them.)

There is limited transparency. She agreed to non-work NC but how do I know? She is seeing IC but wants to stop. She is taking depression meds--

It's early and this might change, but if she's already balking at IC, she's not anywhere close to getting it. Maybe it's the depression talking...but more likely it's just the dumbass.


I don't know if I want to work on R--

I asked myself this question every day for 2 years. I still ask it sometimes.

I still answer it negatively about 40% of the time. The good thing about being a BH? You no longer have to feel bad about your wife possibly giving more to the relationship than you are. Ever again.

I want to hate her, but I can't.

Its early. Give it time.

I also know I will never get over this, either.

See above.

It feels like the end of the world now. It's not. There will be things about you that will change as a result of this process. Some of those changes will be good. Some you won't like so much...but life will go on. You'll eventually think of it as a footnote in the story of your life. And part of you will be angry that something so traumatizing could ever be put on the back burner.

We heal in tiny increments.


Right now I want her to not only own her shit but eat it too.

Definitely normal.

I read in earlier posts that most Ww do just enough, just act enough, just pretend enough to get by. I think that is what will happen here.

The upside of this trend is that you don't have to feel morally obligated to give the marriage *more* in order to compensate. Right now, you're in crisis management mode where you're obsessed with saving the marriage and getting life back to "normal".

That'll pass. Eventually you'll get *really* angry -- once you feel safe enough to be angry and have some belief that you're WW isn't going to run off to xom because she can't handle it -- and realize that you've been putting all of your effort into saving something that you don't actually want all that much.

That's the point at which you'll really start making decisions about whether or not you want to R.

In the meantime, don't kill yourself over "saving the marriage" or "being the best husband ever" or any of that bullshit. Take the lead from your WW. If she gets to be dumbass and conflicted, that can be the ceiling for your commitment standard.

Take care of you. Take care of your kids. Those are your priorities.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 30th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome quedagh

From you signature:

om married asswipe w/3kids
wonder if I should call his wife?

Definitely yes. She deserves to know what she's married to. He's putting her life at risk, and she deserves to know what's going on in her marriage.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35359 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 30th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say, this 180 thing is very empowering. I feel great for the first time in two months (suspicion to confirmation). this is great.

[This message edited by quedagh at 4:00 PM, May 30th (Saturday)]


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
MyRussianSTBX
♂ New Member
Member # 24147
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 30th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I knew who my WW was cheating with, I would not hesitate to let his wife know.

My D-day was just last week. I know the roller coaster of emotions is just beginning. What is amazing to me is how easily my WW can compartmentalize her behavior. One of our twin daughters has been getting treated for an eating disorder. She broke down this week and blamed my WW for her own behavior. Of course, my WW rejected that argument. But she has no problem blaming me for her choice to have an A.


Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Arizona
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 30th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quedagh,

Ww said if I called her it would be a deal breaker

I don't recommend negotiating with terrorists. You know why governments don't do it - it's because it enables terrorism. Right now, your WW is holding your marriage hostage and you in fear to get what she wants. Realise that your WW is already having an affair, and probably blaming you for it. Any forward action you take has a very high reward to risk ratio.

Why is exposure so effective? This applies intense external pressure to end the affair. Once reality is disclosed it is not longer a fantasy. Once she sees that people will not approve of what she's doing and that this will threaten the quality of her life, it may prompt her to start taking responsibility for herself.

Additionally, many WW's already have their exit plan (in their head) before D-day. Trust me, she's likely already thought about riding off into the sunset with OM. Most OM/WH's on the other hand are just looking for a fun screw on the side. Once the OM is exposed, his reputation, marriage, and quality of life will be threatened and quite possibly he will throw your WW under the bus and run with his tail between his legs. Getting dumped by the OM tends to spoil the fauxmance that the WW feels towards him.

Exposure doesn't hurt anyone. It's the actions that both WS's took that were so hurtful and destructive. No need to take a bullet for 'em... especially when they're the ones pulling the trigger. The other BS has a right to know and address the problems.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 30th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to extend a welcome here also, and I agree about the exposure bit. Do it.

My Russian, also welcome. Manit is like that, but do not for a minute accept any of her blame. You can be held accountable for your share of stuff inside the M, but the A is all hers and no one else in your M.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
MyRussianSTBX
♂ New Member
Member # 24147
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, May 30th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Hurts for the welcome. Not the ideal circumstance to meet you and the others, but you're "stand up" guys in my book.

How far would any of you suggest I go to "research" my WW's A? At this point, I only have a few tiny scraps of evidence and no name(s). I have no reason to believe I know the OM(s). But I'd love to find out if he/they are married. Nothing would please me more than to share some details with their BS's.


Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Arizona
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 30th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, that is a question only you will know the answer to. It all depends on how much do you want to know and how many details.

I would think you need to know enough to confirm without any doubt th basics of the A.

Just remember that there is a price to all information, and in this forum, it is usually paid out in pain to you.

If she is still denieing the info and it helps keep things real, then get what you need. It would be nice if she was forthcoming with the info, for then it allows a path of healing to be sought out.

Luck to you man, I hope you can find what you need and know when to call it a day.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, May 30th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How far would any of you suggest I go to "research" my WW's A?

MyRussian,

Like Hurts says, it's really up to you. I personally needed to know everything. I wasn't like that originally. Just tried to sweep it under the rug, be a better husband, and move on. That sure didn't work

Depending on your state, infidelity can play a large role when divorcing. See an attorney and see what they suggest.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35359 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, May 31st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sometimes think I know too much. Read the emails about all the "plans" for each other they had for a few weeks (building evidence).

I verbally unloaded that on my Ww on d-day... she was all denial until I used the special pet names. That sat her bolt upright in bed.

It is good to know, though. It quieted much speculation and forced some honesty. She still refuses to give many details (trickle or turned off) about the actual intimacy but in a monotone answers all the other questions.

As far as figuring out who the Om is, listen carefully, check whatever scraps of paper or electronics are available, search your memory and you can probably piece something together. I figured out the other man by remembering a conversation with her from Feb (she mentioned a young guy at the conferences who didn't fit in WY because he had nice shoes) and then asked her sister if she had ever mentioned anyone new from her work (in a nonchalant way -- sister did not know about affair).

Rifle her purse-- there are always forgotten clues inside those bags of wonders. Check her car, pockets, phone... something will turn up that can aid you.

Good luck.

I sent the Om an email telling him to quit fucking my wife-- on d-day in front of her while she was hysterical for me to stop. And his response to her was he couldn't do this anymore but is our fun time at the next conference still a go?

Question tap for all the wisdom: Is it a violation of the 180 to ask unemotionally to see the work emails before she gets a chance to clean them up?

Other'n that the 180 is a nice state of being.

Thank you again for the replies. This site has been amazing, giving perspective, offering guidance, and providing support.

Who'd a thought this sort of selfishness would be so common? I am also glad that despite the uniqueness of each situation, the basic processes are the exact same. This is a huge comfort, too.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
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