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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<<<<Helloooooooo>>>> anyone out there?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(looking around the big dark empty room and feeling really freaky) - whose turn to decorate?

edited because I said "who's turn to decorate" what happened to my brain

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 5:28 PM, November 18th (Sunday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Zolotas
♀ Member
Member # 15271
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, we have new digs!! Was it you HurtShirley that pushed us on to a new place?...good for you..I was a bit tired with the old one...let this new place be healing, peaceful and full of hope and insight for all of us!!

Hugs to my LTA sisters...We're all making progress in the right direction.

I do want to add..Hugs to Sunflower..glad to see you posting. There's an amazing group of strong and wonderful woman here...great advice, true understanding of the crap that an LTA brings...none of us want to be here..but since we are, I am glad we're here together. You've all helped me so much..and Sunflower, come often, post and know, these women have your heart and your back...Hugs to you.

Ok, who is going to paint this place?

Hugs,
Zolotas


Posts: 339 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: On my chair
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why am I thinking about at least one room in a deep red? Is that too depressing. I love my dining room and it is deep red with wood trim - why do I love deep red?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea for deep red--we just painted two walls deep red in our kitchen (part of the looking toward the future together that keeps me going sometimes!), and it looks fabulous! Not depressing at all, just cozy and dramatic. Let's do it!

Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dining room is a rich terracotta red! What's up with LTA survivors and red walls? Perhaps because it won't show the blood stains if they ever think about doing it again?

Zanny - Where are you? You're our resident decorator!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love the deep red walls too. My DD's sorority house in Georgia had a study done with deep red on the walls and hunter green love seats.
The pillows were done in varying patterns of the red and green with beautiful trims. It was very dramatic and considering the upcoming holiday season, I think it might be a great touch for our new digs. What do you think?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Zolotas
♀ Member
Member # 15271
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok Ladies ..lets do the deep red. My walls are all creamy and very nuetral..I just don't have the guts (wish I did) to paint in such dramatic rich colors... You ladies do it and I'll admire it...

It's been a long weekend for me..seems like this weekend I took a huge spiral down. I've been up, and really progressing in such great and positive ways for about 2 months...but since Friday afternoon, it seems like my emotions and thoughts are out of control..seems like the pain has resurfaced, some anger is present..and honestly, I don't know why..my world has been good. It's been 32 months since d-day..all has been positive..I honestly and truly have been so happy and content...I just don't know why all of a sudden all this has surfaced..I'm fighting it big time and know it will pass...but for right now..it's here and it's real.

So, girls, on this roller coaster..know that there's twists and turns and unexpected bumps.

I'll get through it..and so will all of you. Tomorrow is a new day.

Hugs to all,

Zolotas


Posts: 339 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: On my chair
sunflower18
New Member
Member # 15551
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zolotas,
Thanks for the support and so sad to hear that you are having a hard time. HUGS to you! You are such a great support to have helped me so much to survive these last 3 months.

Read a great book this weekend :"When you love a man who loves himself"- not sure if that is it exaclty but wow- what an eye opener! my h is such a total narcissit that it has totally scared me and hit me like a ton of bricks. maybe there should be a new section here for spouses of narcissits- but then again- maybe a man needs to be a narcissit to cheat. What do you think ladies? anyone else married to a narcissit? how do you deal?

My h is such a narcissit that in therapy, he is not able to access or even understand how i feel. he does not still put my feelings before his own, because he never has done this before for anyone! what a shock to realize that about him. the therapist keeps telling that his mantra must be "whatever it takes to help her healing" ....yet he stills tells me his feelings and thinks of himself first.

HELP! how do i have patience to see if he can and will change and stop being a narcissit?


Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zolotas,
I just don't know why all of a sudden all this has surfaced..I'm fighting it big time and know it will pass...but for right now..it's here and it's real.

Any weird LTA triggers around this time, antiversary approaching, etc? If not, maybe it is the occasional *fear* that strikes us when things are just going toowell. It's the trauma we had to endure surfacing once in awhile. Like our brains say "hey, we thought things were OK and they weren't" so when they ARE OK now we tend to doubt it all. At least that's been my experience afer hitting the 2 year antiversary mark.

LTA Gang, I LOVE the idea of deep red. I'm not at all that flamboyant, much more conservative. So I will live it up in this room

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
DMS88
♀ Member
Member # 13461
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is 18 months considered a LTA?

To me it seems like an eternity of lies. Especially since 10 of those months was a false reconciliation.

Now I hope we are in real reconciliation. We are going to MC and such. We get along fine. But I can't get over so many things... like my husband of 20 years could lie right to my face for so long. It is like waking up one morning and realizing that your loving spouse was kidnapped by aliens and replaced by a look alike pod person.

You think you know somebody and then you realize they are not the person you thought they were.

I still love him, but I love the man I remember. I am not sure who the hell he is now or if I like this new version very much. I know I can't trust him. But the children see him as dear old dad, so I play along with the game and play the loving wife. We actually get along better because while he was in the affair he treated me like shit. I think he was distancing himself from me. I think it eased his conscious... if he has one.

Now that I know the details of when and where they meet up I can see a direct correlation between how awful he treated me before and after his flings.

I could do no right once this affair started. He made me a monster in his eyes.

I never believed the affair was over the last ten months because he still treated me badly.

The day he ended the affair his attitude toward me softened and we had a great week. But then OW not liking being dumped, made sure she wrote, emailed and called me up to tell me our reconciliation for the last ten months was a farce.

Anyway, I think it is finally over between them. He is treating me better than he has in years. The children are happier.

I guess I should just keep this pod person. The alternative is to screw up the lives of the children and turn our lives upside down.

We like each other. Will true romantic love ever return?


Me: 47 years old
Husband: 46 years old
Married: 22 years, together 25
Two children, 7 & 8
Discovered the affair: 4 Jan '07. It started in March '06.
Second D-Day 9 October 2007 (same woman).
Reconciling--hopefully not a false R

Posts: 1518 | Registered: Jan 2007
ziggy
♀ Member
Member # 16086
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love deep red also! My spare bedroom has two deep red walls, I love them!

[This message edited by ziggy at 9:35 PM, November 18th (Sunday)]


Posts: 115 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Pittsburgh
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DMS,

Is 18 months considered a LTA?

Generally, I think 2 or more years is considered a LTA. But I haven't ever seen us on this board turn anyone away if they feel like they "fit" here. The trauma of a LTA is a beast that is very unique, because as you point out it is the repeated lies and years of your life robbed.

Ok, you guys see me so active on this board-trying to avoid work (yes I had to pack up my boxes this weekend for the move to the dreaded next department job that the last TWO people left because they couldn't handle it)....Nah, I'm not nervous. Not fearful. Not wondering if I fail. Have it all together in my family and personal life... yea, hmmmm.

Heartbroken


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Another new space. And red walls for the LTA households? I also had a red wall in our bedroom. (Blood stains??? HILARIOUS!) I changed it a couple of months ago though. It was too ANGRY of a mood in there. (Looking for all the help I could get!)

Welcome all newbies to the place nobody wants to belong.

I can't believe I did this, but I missed the whole last page of the last thread! I got to the bottom of page 49 and posted when it said 999. When I went back in, I had missed all of page 50--and some of the most PROFOUND conversations!!! Lots of great words of wisdom--I'm sorry I missed.

OTC, you are really amazing!

I am bringing this over from the other room though that OTC said. It raised the hairs on my neck.

Now I can look at how sick and pathetic my behavior was and I can see how disgusting cigarettes are and I can see it realistically now. But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss smoking. I have not smoked in over 15 years!

Now, I know you addressed it again, OTC, but the idea that you still think of your addiction and miss it without a day going by scares the shit out of me. And my H would NEVER admit that if it were true for him. He doesn't consider it an addiction. And somehow hearing that you think of it but don't choose it because you know it's bad for you isn't as comforting as I'd like it to be. Will it be like cigarettes were for you and stay a longing in the back of his mind forever?

sunflower, I think you said in the last thread that your H learned in therapy that he had so much resentment toward you that it didn't allow him to feel guilt. I can see this in my sitch too--but it would have had to be resentment he held onto for many years--even though things were better for us at the time. It's just all so sad. Finding a way to communicate the resentment instead of acting out--if only...

DMS, welcome...I think if I recall correctly, when no mor started the original LTA thread, those members in there listed the LTA as 18 months or longer.

FSA, I hope all went well today. Thinking of you sweets.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,
Got a last minute PM from SVS who will be in court tomorrow (Monday) with OW (a.k.a. she-bitch from hell) at 2:00 pm EST. She said she didn't have time to post but said she can feel the vibes from all of us here and will take that into court with her tomorrow. Please everyone, take some time tomorrow to send those vibes out to her at 2 pm EST/ 1 pm CST / 12 noon MST / 11 am PST. She's gonna need every bit of support she can get. Tomorrow will be the watershed hearing for them and as most of you know, SVS has fought this like a champ. Let's all hold her in our thoughts and prayers for a victory tomorrow so she and her family can go on with their lives. ((((SVS))))


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes! FSA - was thinking of you and the family all day today. Hoping your DD had a magical day! And how's the mother-of-the-bride holding up?? Take your shoes off girl and kick your feet up in the new digs here. Now breeeeeeaaaaaaath.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((((svs)))))))))))

I hope the worst for that woman. (That's allowed right??? )


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How dare you ladies start a new thread without me here to be the first poster!!!!

Wedding and DD was BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!

Now there's something I haven't told ya'll b/c I would not even let myself think about it until it was a reality.

New SIL and now my DD share the same last name as snaggletooth bitch. No relation, just the same name.

Just how the hell am I supposed to deal with this shit!!!!

H semi-ruined the weekend with yet another lie. I asked him a simple question on Sat morning and he yet once again lied to me. Something that any idiot would know was a lie. I have had just about my limit of being lied to.

But other than that the weekend went well. DD could not have been any more beautiful. All my clan made it (all 17 of us).

Catch up later.

LOL
FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H left home last night.

Almost 2 months ago, I asked him for to write a letter to the OW. About his real feelings for them, for me, about what they did, about the lies he told them about our family etc.

I needed this to help me bring closure on the OW. I will never see them or hear their story.All I have on what happened for the duration of my M, was what he told me. At some point, I realised that I would have to live with that, but to help me move on, I needed him to write these letters.

He asked for 2 weeks to do this, and then proceeded to stall with the usual reasons.I was calm and understanding sometimes, I was upset and enraged the other times, but I deeply hurt all the time.

Finally about 2 weeks ago, he gave me a letter to OW#1 with the following note to me:

This is the letter. I am not complete with it but it shows that I am trying.

This is hard for me and I hope you can understand this. I know that I should have done this earlier and have no excuses for stalling.

My unwillingness to do this is my failing and something that I hope i can overcome. Please forgive me. I am sorry for taking so long

He said that he would finish it as well as letter to OW#2 by Sunday (yesterday). I asked him what would happen if he stalls again. He said that if he doesnt do it, he will pack up and leave.I said that was rather harsh, but he then said that he knows how important this letter is to me now, and to show me how seriously he would take it, that he was prepared to leave if he didnt fulfil his end.

The letter was supposed to be in by lunch yesterday. I asked him, he said he hadnt started it but will give it to me in the evening.

When I asked him again in the night, he said it will be ready by morning. I said that that is unacceptable, to which he said that if I really wanted it now, then fine, he will send it, unfinished. He basically sent the same letter with 2 sentences added on.

I told him that that was not what he was supposed to do, and he knew it.Of course he tried to turn it around and said that I always push and push him,which results then in us (the family)ending up in a bad place. (WTF?)

So I told him that since he had chosen his own ultimatum should he not do what I needed, then he knew what would happen. To which he packed up and left.

I told the kids that he is gone away on work, like he used to do last year. BEcause I looked and behaved normal, they accepted it, and were fine.

Spoke to H this am. He is still blaming this on me.Said I tend to push him into corners by pressuring him and then he just flips.

I had originally asked for this letter about 10 months ago.He stalled then,until I told him to forget it. I then asked him about 2 months ago. And didnt let him off. So this is where we are.

I understand that this is difficult for him to write. I can even (barely) acknowledge that he doesnt want the OW to think badly of him.

I have done everything and more for this M. I know this. He has also worked hard in his own way. That he was willing to stake our family on this letter, and then NOT deliver...

I guess I should listen to what he is doing instead of what he is saying.

So what happens now...I just dont know.

ETA: tried to correct grammar and syntax, but gave up.

[This message edited by Lost Heart at 6:49 AM, November 19th (Monday)]


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

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