I will just add hugs. I have been out all morning getting ready for Thanksgiving and missed your posts this am. I just read the advice about communicating via email or letter. Believe it or not, my H and I have been doing most of our communicating lately (since dday#2) via email or TM. It seems to take a lot of the emotion out of the conversation. I am extremely angry now and it comes out is spades when we communicate verbally. I am better able to control the anger with different forms of communication.
I think it is great advice. Thinking of you...
I had a bad night... H is out of town and I am obsessing on the upcoming holiday season, knowing what went on last year while I was in the bliss of ignorance. I don't think I know the truth yet about that time period and fear that knowing will make things worse.
So I've just read the messages since last night and can only offer hugs of support for LostH. My H has never left our home... and he hasn't written the letter to me about what he feels is why the LTA started or lasted so long. He can't seem to put it in words and told me maybe a letter would be better. I didn't see a NC letter either. He said he sent her an email and then deleted it. I have given him printouts of several articles from the Healing Library but still I wait. And as the days and weeks pass we grow closer to the time when she'll be back for the busy season. And I fear that the closeness we've gained will disappear and our relationship will be strained again.
It's been 9 months since Dday... I am such a basket case at home some days that I don't know how you ladies with children to care for are getting through the days!
I so admire your strength.
To those with adult children... Do they know about the A? How do you deal with this? How will we get through the holiday season which can be stressful enough without the added emotions regarding the A???
I have so many questions... none of the answers. Just know that I keep all of you in my daily prayers and I'm so glad for our SI family.
Christmas is my favorite holiday. Always was. It was the one where I could go nuts and not feel the slightest guilt. I overindulged everyone. That stopped on the first Christmas after Dday. I barely got through it (only 4 mo. from Dday). I cried at dinner, cried through the present opening, cried all day long.
What we did last year was make new traditions, that way I didn't have to be reminded of all those tainted ones. We lost most of our Christmas ornaments and decorations in a flood the year before Dday, so I could go buy new ones. We made sure the tree was up a couple weeks before Christmas. We always shopped for it and put it up on Christmas Eve. I hated that, but H was always "busy" earlier.
Anyway I leaned on him. I asked him to do some of the shopping, help with the dinner prep, take the kids out to do their shopping. I put him to work so I could move through my chores in slow motion mode. The first one is a blur, last year is much clearer.
Do they know about the A? How do you deal with this?
Yes, my son (then 17) was home Dday night, in his room next to ours. He heard everything. Our DD was away at college, but brother filled her in pretty quickly. She didn't want to hear any of it. Unfortunately, he had no choice. My H and DS had been getting along famously. They'd found a hobby to share together which my son then abandoned. He cut his father off for months, his grades dropped, he spent almost every night out of the house. DD didn't come home for weeks. It was really tough.
I finally sat down with both of them (one at a time) and told them that their father did something horrendous, I did not give the grisly details, but we were trying to put us back together. I asked both of them how they felt about that. DD was angry, thought I should have kicked him out, didn't respect me for my decision. But she didn't want her life to change, so she went along with it. My son told me he'd stand with me no matter what.
I think it f'd them up pretty good, but they're much better now. Our son still doesn't respect his father, but he and our DD get along better than they ever did. He's not so critical of her. And he's kinder to our son too, but the boy just feels betrayed too.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I'm so sorry. Did you make him leave? If so, is there someone who can come stay with you for a little bit?
I just will never understand this behavior, and reading this just makes me so sad.
If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
We are home, finally. Court went the entire day yesterday as the HO's atty continually attempted to discredit H, continually tried to get "hearsay" testimony entered, continually tried to get more and more money (I kid you not)and then ... to top it off ... tried to have our COM erased from any kind of financial support from H whatsoever. Oh, no, I am not lying.
As if the piddly little amount this state imputes H pays for our COM is much to begin with.
Bad enough the effing HO and her effed up state barely recognize my existence -- but to actually SAY, out loud, that our COM do not get anything from their FATHER. I laughed. It was that or scream. Luckily, the judge, the court clerk, family relations and basically every other court representative told the effing HO -- NO. You cannot erase the COM.
It was a looooooooonnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg two full days in court. We missed our flight, but caught a later one, got home in the wee hours only to get up and go to work. Whew. H is still at work; I just got home.
But, WE WON. And we lost. We got the Contempt thrown out, the attorney's fees thrown out, the "daycare" bullshit garnishment thrown out, the "arrearage" bullshit reduced by $20,000 and lots and lots of PROOF of more identity theft and mail fraud. Stupid stupid HO. She has no idea what is going to happen now.
We lost travel expenses (they weren't huge - we've used up all of our points instead of paying cash), attorney's fees and CS went up (but not much). The biggest win was that effing garnishment of daycare that was a higher amount than the CS - and garnished! How can you garnish for a service that hasn't been provided and is only allowed if the effing HO works, full time?
The judge will render a decision in the next 30 days about whether or not "Private Preschool" is daycare (yes, preschool - a very expensive, elite type of school - they go 6 hours a week) and whether H should have to pay 2006 daycare for a "nanny" the effing HO allegedly paid, but has no record of payment. He will also rule on what "reasonable daycare" in the Ho's state should cost. We also asked for a deviation regarding daycare, as I now have to work and H has to pay daycare here as well. We want a dollar for dollar match, which would basically wipe out any "reasonable" cost of daycare the Ho can come up with - if the judge goes by the state's own guidelines.
We need that to happen desperately.
The judge tried hard to be even handed and fair the entire time. Even as it was obvious the effing HO was lying, her stupid putz of an atty was bumbling, the judge gave them a fair shake at making their arguments -- but only within the law, which was very good.
I am sooo drained. It was very hard to face that HO and listen to her lies. Watch her act as if she had any right whatsoever to do anything other than hang her head in shame. She is claiming even less income, making it a more uphill battle to prove that she is lying. A battle that I don't believe should have to happen. Why can't it be that everyone HAS to show up with every piece of documentation the moment you ask for money? And if you don't, you get nothing. In this day and age -- give me a break. Documentation.
Overall, we are happy. Still have a lot more battles. But the effing HO will have to live with whatever the judge decides is reasonable cost for daycare. Hopefully he will follow the laws and look at the incomes before him. Even better will be that he see that of course I have to work and of course H is at least 50% responsible for the daycare here.
Stupid HO has OC enrolled in a private preschool when she allegedly makes 1/10 of what the tuition is.
Can't go into all of the fraud and id theft yet. But there is lots more. And now mine too. She's digging her own hole.
But of course I said many things, off the record when the judge wasn't around, just to piss off the HO. And boy did that feel good. Passive aggressive I know.
I have to run get the kids now. Will try to post more later. Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement. And, if you can, try to send that judge the vibe to do right by us. NO DAYCARE, by virtue of him granting a 100% deviation using our daycare costs. That would be a HUGE victory, but more importantly, the last financial obstacle to us being able to give our COM the basic necessities of life -- food, clothing and shelter.
I will try to read and catch up this weekend. But I am sending you all buckets of white light.
Your son will be fine with lots of love and care from you.
Men can be stupid, unbelieveable.
(((ziggy))) I'm so sorry. Please find some family or close friends to lean on right now.
(((SVS))) Your strength and grace through this is amazing and inspiring to us all. Enjoy your family tomorrow and just "be" for the day. You deserve it.
I'm just poking my head back in for a minute. I've been traveling the last few weeks, and then spent the last 5 days horribly ill. Somewhere in Las Vegas I picked up a virus that evolved into walking Pneumonia, so I've been reading but not posting. It's hard to type when you are busy coughing up a lung, LOL. H has actually been wonderful taking care of me and picking up all of the "mommy" responsiblities while working long hours and fighting off being sick himself.
I think of you all constantly and hope everyone has a nice holiday tomorrow and a great weekend.
I can’t help feeling that he should be more understanding in that you NEED that letter to OW in order to stop following in your M’s footsteps. It shouldn’t be such a big issue. It’s just a little letter. It doesn’t have to be long, just making the point. Isn’t it something you can sit down and do together? Not for you to dictate, but just to nudge or give some key words?
I saw your post last month about your sisters and their good men. Yeh, well. Take my case. It was viewed by both sides of our families (and close friends) that we had a wonderful marriage and that we were so lucky….. Take a long look at those husbands and see them with fresh eyes. I got sick of hearing “well, it’s alright for you” in response to almost everything, like they resented me and us. And I wouldn’t enlighten them in a million years (unless I decide to D the shit) about the A, cos I’d hate to see a “serves her right” look on their faces. Anyone can have an A, it just takes opportunity and inclination. So stop looking at them as good men. You never can tell.
And it’s not a case of putting it all behind you, knuckling down and getting on with it; that’s a ridiculously old-fashioned view point IMO. Of course there comes a point when you have to move on, but only you will know when that is. I haven't yet.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:01 PM, November 26th (Monday)]
Glad things went as well as they did. Hoping for better.
and then ... to top it off ... tried to have our COM erased from any kind of financial support from H whatsoever. Oh, no, I am not lying.
Are you f**king kidding me right now???
I keep saying there's a special place in hell for that OW, but you know what??? Hell is too good a place for her.
Feel better, sweets.
Ziggy--I'm so sorry--sounds like he's dug his own grave so to speak--you will do what you have to do and know that we're all rooting for you.
SVS--so glad it went pretty well in court. Sometimes I wish we could just do the court thing too--take it out of our hands, stop the discussions and negotiations cold, not have to deal with OW and her neuroticism--but since she's in Europe, we can't. At least you got a fair judge--good luck with the rest. How are you and H doing together amidst all this crap?
I know I cant take criticism well. For me it feels like I have failed, or I am wrong. I know I am not perfect, so its kind of hard to explain.
I know exactly how you feel--my first reaction is that it's me, not being clear, not being enough, not being something!! That's why I also communicate some of the most emotional things first by email or in writing--it really helps me, especially as I am one who thinks of the right thing to say the next day!!
LostSoul--our adult kids do not know yet, and if there weren't an OC, they never would. But they will some day and I dread it--don't have any advice, just sympathy. I can only imagine how it will change the R between them and H and also between them and me.
Can't spend too much time here since MIL is here for 10 days--but my heart is behind each and every one of you.
Happy Thanksgiving. (Christmas is another story, though--so bittersweet for me--write about that in Dec.)
((SVS)) buckets of white light to you! You did an amazing job. I can feel your anger at HO...I feel it too. Erasing COM?? What a horrible person she is. What a deceiving little b**ch. I admire your fortitude.
((Ziggy)) Lean on us. We are here for you, and we are more than happy to walk you through this mess over the months to come. I know you feel for your young son, and you want to make it work for him, but if that doesn't happen....you have given him a home and a good start in life by stepping up to be his mama.
Unable...so good to hear from you, but sorry you are sick!! Glad H is stepping up to the plate.
((Lost)) stay strong.
"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."
At least the judge seems to have her number. Hopefully, he'll continue to serve justice with his decisions.
My h had an EA (I suspect PA)with his ex-wife for over 5 years. He says he didn't see her more than 5 or 6 times (she lived on the other coast from us and he only went there a couple times a year for business).
He had ended it and she called a year and half later to try to out him. He then lied and decieved me until recently when I told him I wanted to live apart (kids are all grown and doing their own thing).
He actually told me today (and started on it) that he was going to write it all out, make a time line for us b/c he doesn't like me feeling as if I'm still in the dark.
How do we ever feel as if we've been enough?
UK Girl and Going To Make It - Welcome. I'm so sorry you're here, but you're in a good place to help hold you up through all this. Hang around. There's plenty of incredible wisdom here.
Unable - Good to hear from you girl! Take good care of yourself and get well! We miss ya!
((((Lost)))) Holding you in my heart and sending you lots of strength and resiliency to make it through this difficulty. You will be OK and you will come through this.
[This message edited by OneToughCowgirl at 7:52 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]
I want to wish all of you here in the states a wonderful, healing, peaceful Thanksgiving. What will be at the top of my list of things to be thankful for this year will be this incredible, wonderful, awesome tribe of steel magnolias here at LTA corner. I consider each and every one of you a sister of the soul and I just want you all to know how important you are to me and how profoundly you have impacted my life. I am truly blessed in so many ways, but here, in this family of women with blazing hearts and luminous souls, I will count as one of my biggest blessings.