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User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF. My H says he doesn’t know why. He’s never been able to justify it. But then I’ve no idea what was going through his head at the time. However, he has NEVER said anything about it being some kind of male weakness. Although a male friend of mine has said men (generally speaking) would find it hard to refuse if it was offered on a plate, as it were. That men have two brains and the one in the head does not talk to the one in the dick. That they think they’ll never be found out and so no harm’s done. But, as we all know, life’s not like that. My H’s A was with his first love, so not in the same category, but there again, I have no trust in him and wonder if he’s done it before and got away with it. Apparently he was a prime candidate for an A. Now I’ve really gotta go.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey UKgirl!!
How are you doing? Yesterday you mentioned that you were going through a rough patch. Can I help?

I wish there was "something" that I could ask for that would make me feel better.But I honestly cant think of a thing.

ah well.sigh.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That they think they’ll never be found out and so no harm’s done

Yep, UK, I've heard this too many times from him too. Which leads me back to him being morally bankrupt. It's not about no one finding out. HE knew what he was doing, he should have known it was corrupt and very damaging to us, but in his warped mind, no one was going to get hurt because no one was going to find out. But I did find out and it has destroyed every ounce of faith and trust that I have ever had in my H and my M. As I have told him repeatedly, only a moron could have believed that no one would get hurt. So I guess, if I need to label him, he is a morally bankrupt moron!
Now, UK, get going.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said Zanny! And BTW, A Thousand Splendid Suns was even better than The Kite Runner IMO because it was about the opression of women - one of my favorite subjects , and it really gave me insight and understanding, on a very personal and intimate level, of how horribly the women were opressed in Afghanistan when the Taliban came in and how that kind of opression got it's origins in that country. Heartbreaking. What made me love these books so much is that it really spoke to all human suffering. Even what we, at LTA corner here, have suffered and how it imprints on our hearts and souls and how we carry wounds through a lifetime, or not. BTW - Kite Runner comes out on the big screen Dec. 14th. I don't know if they can do this story justice in Hollywood though.

FNF - Don't even get me started with your H's comment, "Men do this". Of course he and other men feel this way because the permissiveness in society for MEN doing this is all over the fucking place! I have to admit before Dday there was a part of me that bought into this as well (of course when I had the luxury of not having it touch, well destroy, me personally). It's everywhere! We joke about it, men taunt and challenge one another with it, TV shows romanticize it and it's considered an unspoken badge of honor in many male circles. I have really put my antennae up for this in the past year and I'm sickened by what I see. And then we also romaticize it for women too. Good God, look at Bridges of Madison County! And when was the last time you saw a "must see" movie, aside from the bunny boiler in Fatal Attraction, that spoke the truth about the devastation and fallout of EMAs? Fatal Attraction didn't even do it justice although it may have had a few idiots tuck their dick back in their pants after seeing it. Anyhow, men DO do this FNF because there is a pervasive and ever present permission and kind of admiration for men in our society who do this IMO. Except if he's our president of course. Then all the cocksmen become priests while they condemn him in a voice of self righteousness. The whole fucking thing makes me sick. (Hmmmm, think you hit a nerve on this one FNF?) If you ever doubt this, look at how ALL people, especially men, react to a woman having an A. There is most certainly a double standard. I'm not a huge bang the drum feminist, even though I sound like one right now, but I've been in the trenches of business for over 20 years, playing with the big boys, and I can tell you chauvinism and racism is alive and well here in the good old U.S.A. In Europe the permissiveness for EMAs is even more astounding! I am sickened that there isn't much out there that tells the truth about the devastation of betrayal when we have a 50% plus divorce rate in this country. So many who divorce never disclose it was due to an EMA either, so even that doesn't get seen. There is a helluva a lot more info about the bravado and romance in EMAs around than there is about the devastation. So why wouldn't WS's and OP be seduced into thinking it was OK and permitted? How many of our H's said, "I didn't think you'd ever find out/hurt/know about it." Of course they didn't because they've never SEEN that!!! They never saw Hilary Clinton (please put your feelings aside about her for a sec if you don't like her) splayed out on the closet floor (sorry Run) or walking around like a Zombie or Chelsea dying for her parents and her self and the life/family she knew that was no longer. How about Charles Kuralt's wife of several decades and his kids portraying the devastation of finding out about his LTA upon his death? No, we didn't see that either. No one shows "the ugly" of this and it really pisses me off when you look at the divorce rate and the fallout to the kids, grandkids, etc. of this! Why isn't there more outcry? One guess - because so many are doing it!!!!! OK, stepping off of the soapbox now.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC - I know this might sound crazy, but it is comforting to have you share in my rage and disgust with this element in our society. I totally agree that we are never shown the heartbreaking fallout from EMA's and can imagine this is one way that WS's ease their discomfort (if they experience any at all).
As for Hillary, I have often (even before d-day) admired her strength and the way she handled herself during what had to be a painful, utterly humiliating and professionally threatening exposure. Now, trying to portray my life as normal , carrying on as if I am not suffering, acting the part of a happy, contented W and mother, and many times being amazed at how well I can do this at the worst of times (don't forget, I had to entertain 30 people on Christmas day 2 days after d-day), I look at what she had to do so publicly and I am even more amazed.
The thing is though, maybe we don't see the pain and true fallout in the media, but everyone of us sees it every day (even before our d-days) in the lives of friends, family and co-workers. We are not blind to the devastation. My H's first M ended after 3 A's. His best friend's M is miserable - he had a LTA that lasted for 15 plus years. My own sister's M ended following her A. It's all around us. No one escapes its reality. (My turn on the soapbox )
This is what I am always telling my H - he has seen it too many times to have ever believed that no one would get hurt. They lie to themselves. They know better. But they want what the want, and they don't allow themselves to consider the fallout and then they look for compassion and pity when they fallout occurs.
Ok - I'm stepping down.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That they think they’ll never be found out and so no harm’s done

Yep..heard that one too.

OTC, I LOVE reading.Its the one thing that got me through childhood and adulthood (so far!).I almost always have a book nearby. After dday, I just couldnt read anymore,but I am so glad that that changed some months back.Now I am back with a vengeance.

However what has changed is that now I cant handle any deep emotional stuff. I read only thrillers, where a couple of people are killed and their murders solved by the end of the book.Nothing deep or emotional anymore thank you. I also dont get recipe books anymore.I would always get some at the library, or add to my own collection...but now I just dont care.

Talking of which, I have invited my family over for dinner this Saterday. I know they feel a little awkward around us when we are together.Its like we all know that the elephant is in the lounge, but if we just tiptoe or ignore it, it wont trouble us kind of mentality.

So before, I would love to try out new recipes, and mull over getting the right dessert to go with the main.
Isnt it strange (and freeing I guess)that I dont feel that way anymore.I will only prepare my tried and tested dishes.And even then I wont go over board.

I think I am trying not to impress anyone. I think before I tried too hard and just killed myself.(and stressed the kids and H too).I dont have to try to be perfect.I never will be.

Fnf

The thing is though, maybe we don't see the pain and true fallout in the media, but everyone of us sees it every day (even before our d-days) in the lives of friends, family and co-workers

Thats it.Thats why its hard to swallow the "nobody would get hurt" excuse.
Our H's knew. But they did it anyway.
Sometimes I think its because of H's sense of self-entitlement. What he wants, he gets...and screw the cost.Whether its the car, the PC, or a woman.
And I think that was why it was so hard for him to give up on OW#1.He just couldnt understand why she wouldnt sleep with him.In his heart, he knew she was stringing him along,but that was just what kept him coming back.He wanted her, so he would have her...even if it took 14 years!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm right there with you and OTC, fnf, with the rage and disgust at that element of our society.

That they think they’ll never be found out and so no harm’s done.

I can't comprehend this line of thinking at all. Even if, and that's a huge IF, no one found out, they were prepared to live with that knowledge and go to their graves with it. I don't understand how someone can do this. The guilt and shame would eat me alive.


[This message edited by Steelergal at 12:12 PM, November 27th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm doing much better this morning. I actually woke up with a smile on my face and hungry

I am blessed with regards to h being home all the time since he is self employed and he can take me with him if he gets called away.

This morning he told me he wanted to purchase a new headstone for my parents. I was totally stuned to say the least. He said when I visit them, he doesn't want me to remember what he was doing during that time. He doesn't want me to experience anymore sadness.

He anwered all my questions without hesitation. He didn't have to stop to think of the answer (and I know ya'll know that look).

He did tell me what lead him to this. He had a lot of baggage when I met him and I just ignored it (xw). She was a serial cheater, drug user and all around skank.

He has the "KISA" mentality - he just knew his love and care could 'fix' her (lol, that's exactly what I thought that my love would do for him), but in reality, love doesn't fix anyone, they have to do the emotional work themselves to be whole again.

I am fortunate that he quit on his own, I believe if I would have caught him redhanded (I should have been checking cell bills) I would have walked away. I know where my heart was during that time and I even told him I was tired of being his doormat.

I feel great, I have grieved so much for the fairytale I tried so despertly to hold onto for so long. It is a relief to know I can trust my own judgment, I was right all along.

He told me he started to disengage due to the amount of travel he was doing. I can fully understand compartmentalizing, it is the only way to survive sometimes.

Anyway, he is doing back flips to show me he is here for good, mind, body and spirit. He even went around the house yesterday and gathered up all his "memento's" for his time with her - even getting rid of pictures of his old navy budies b/c she was in them. he said, that was a time when he didn't have me in his life and he doesn't need to remember anything about that time. He wants all his memories to be of him and I and the children.

If he keeps up, I'll be even better than I was before!


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{LTA}}}
Just want to send Healing Hugs for all - those who are posting as well as those who are lurking.

Thanks for the inspirational messages. I, too, am (or used to be) a 'bookworm'. These days I just can't get absorbed in a book like I used to. I've lost my quiet refuge. I can't recall when I last felt peaceful and it really hurts as we enter the season of peace and hope.
Christmas is all around us! (I know that other religions and philosophies have special days coming too but I'm not knowledgeable about those and they aren't as commercially advertised) and I am just going through the motions.

I also want something from the heart this year but how do I communicate this to my H? Why should I even have to?

This thread of 'I didn't think anyone would get hurt' has me reeling. He did it... for years... how could he not be aware of the far-reaching consequences of his 'escape'? While we are in R and things are going pretty well I can't help feeling that it's just superficial. As long as we don't mention IT, all is fine. He still 'doesn't know, 'can't remember or give me a timeline' yet I know the date he created the online email account and MSN gaming were installed on our home PC. I know when the secret account was opened. But I want him to acknowledge these things and figure out how/why he gave himself permission to go outside our marriage. I'm still waiting for the letter he promised since he can't seem to say the words - doesnt' know where to start!!! Right now affection just isn't doing it for me. I don't know what it is that will but I do know that it's definitely MORE than what I am getting. I know we can't go back but I'm not sure that we are going forward either. How can he 'get over it' so easily when I am still reeling with so much pain of betrayal almost 10 months later? I still trigger every time he goes out of town (did I mention he's gone today - p.m. and evg meetings that will keep him there overnight) even though I've seen no evidence of calls or IMs on his cell phone... every time he's a little late coming home... TV shows... Will it never end?
OK, enuf rant!


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

because there is a pervasive and ever present permission and kind of admiration for men in our society who do this IMO.

OTC - You've touched on something that has been eating at my craw for a long time about this.

I am convinced that on some level (although I'm sure he's buried it now) my H truly was proud of his "accomplishment" and if I was no longer in the picture, I'm sure he'd have found some way to "leak" information about his "prowess". And the fact that he was clever enough to pull it off without me ever knowing anything was going on. Warped, but I'd bet a month's pay on it.

I also want something from the heart this year but how do I communicate this to my H? Why should I even have to?

You have to because men are idiots. There might be a pearl out there among the swine, but generally, they're clueless.

I put down these words on his Christmas list DDay year "I want something from your heart". Gave him no further input. And I got a lovely diamond/gold heart necklace.

but last year I got a vacuum cleaner.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. This is it. The whole of November has been a bad month for me. That’s why a couple of weeks ago I tried all the different phrases in the search bar to find out things related to LTA’S. Finding this site has made me see that what I am going through is not unusual and I am not going mad, although I often think I must be. It’s been practically 16 months since Dday. I went on a reiki course at the w/end and although it was brilliant, peaceful, soothing and all of that, at the end of day one I was crying on and off all evening and I was in tears by lunchtime on day two. The negative thoughts just won’t go.

So, what can I do when I can’t get it all out of my head? Those things he said and did are with me every single day. She is there every single day. When he blurted out “I’ve had and affair”and to my question of how long, said four and a half years, I was completely gob-smacked and then he said “but I’ve been trying to finish it for two” as if that somehow made it okay. That I’d find an affair for two and a half years somehow acceptable but four and a half not? (Turned out it was five years, so why’d he say four and a half?) He loved this woman. She was his first love and he had been engaged to her. They were a couple for four years first time around. Then in Sept 2001, he saw her name on that Friendsreunited website and he went after her, he actively pursued her. Four weeks later, he had sex with her. And then he writes ME a love letter which at the time I think is really sweet, and writes poetry about HER, which of course I didn’t see until I went searching. It’s the fact that

1) she was his first love
2) that it went on for so long
3) there’s all that poetry about her
4) he’d asked her to marry him
5) he told her he’d waited 25yrs for her to come back into his life
6) I can’t see that it’s finished between them. At least not for her. She’ll wait for him forever.

Was he just living out an alternative life? Sliding Doors style? He’d tried going back to see if they could make up for lost time and rejoin on that path of destiny? He says not. “Unrewindable” he says. He also referred to his A as a “Pandora’s Box”. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t want it, does it? Why am I still with a man who betrayed me in the worst way possible? It wasn’t just sex, it was a full on romantic affair. He keeps saying “stay with me” (mentally and emotionally) but my response is always the same - that he wasn’t “with” me for five years. I hate feeling second best, I hate knowing he never had those intense, intoxicating feelings for me, and I wonder if my marriage has been a lie. so how do I deal with it?

And just one more thing. Reading. I’m the same. Can’t get into any books because I can’t concentrate, but I read The Kite Runner before the A and I couldn’t put it down. But one of the worst things he did to me was to take away a small pleasure that was mine alone (apart from life itself), playing my beloved piano. He can’t read music. I couldn’t play for at least six months. Maybe more. It took a couple of months before I realised I wasn’t playing and it’s odd, but it really upset me and I’m not even particularly good!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - Crikey! That’s exactly what I asked for and said I didn’t care if it cost nothing, a tenner or a grand. What did he do? He wrote up and gave me his poetry. All beautifully presented, but …. she was in it!! How arrogant is that?? I don’t dare share with you some of the stuff he wrote about her, but these lines were to me and he gives me permission ….
“And I won’t chastise nor berate you
For falling into the same honey-sweet trap.”
But I couldn’t. I’m an open book; not only an open book but available in large print and Braille. I can’t lie, I’m useless at lying. I hate his poetry.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK - Since my H is totally unable to string 3 words together to make a sentence, the poetry TO ME would be more valuable to gold. No, I would not want what he wrote HER or anything about HER or the affairs, about me would be nice.

My H is a concrete kind of guy. Someone probably told him to buy me the heart. What is sad, is that he gave me that same heart the year his affairs ended. It was the first jewelry he had bought me in 15 years and I was so touched. Then he goes out and buys the same thing all over again forgetting he gave it to me like 3 years prior.

Doesn't matter, all the jewelry is tainted anyway. The nicest pieces I own were all "guilt" jewlery.

Face it, there is NOTHING they can do to make up for this. Nothing. They can only live their life honestly and transparently and with gratitude and humility.

If he doesn't get to that day soon, he's going to add lonely to that list.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello again everyone. Sorry I missed so much. Tried to go back and read it all and get up to speed. So much has happened. I guess I will just start with the reading thread.

OTC – I read The Kite Runner right after it first came out and loved it. However, your quote was so meaningful in the context of the pain of the A. Thank you for sharing it with us. Oddly, I read A Thousand Splendid Suns over the Thanksgiving weekend and enjoyed it immensely. I realize that women have struggled with suppression and abuse in one form or another since the beginning of time. I, too, hate the fact that affairs by men are glorified in our culture. However, women who screw around are “sluts”. I told my husband this past week that he was a slut in the worst possible meaning of the word. He needs to recognize that he wasn’t “a great lover” or someone’s AP – he was a slut. It is up to him whether he wants to continue to be a slut but I am not going to be married to one.

Odd question around Xmas. I wasn’t actually planning on buying my H anything! Fuck him – his gift will be allowed in the house to see the joy of the children and I think that is enough. No present from me and, certainly, no presents from Santa. I know our youngest will ask why Daddy doesn’t have any presents from Santa and the answer is “because Daddy was a bad boy”. Am I nuts? Do I have to fake Xmas for the kids too? I don’t want to scare them with the “daddy was a bad boy” response but it is the truth!

That they think they’ll never be found out and so no harm’s done

Yep! Same thing here although it has a darker side. I have REALLY pushed my H on this as has the MC. What he says is that as soon as he started to consider the consequences of being found out, it was too ugly and he would immediately shut it out, stop thinking about it because it was too much. So he KNEW that the consequences of being found out would be horrible and he chose to box it up and put it away rather than confront it and stop his actions. That really makes me wanna …


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
caretoomuch
♂ Member
Member # 12625
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW A was almost 4 years w my BF. It seems different for women than men. I would like to hear the ladies here comment. As for the WH behaviour and the maleness of their behaviour thats Bull. Its just like controlling arousal at the beach. Unless you are mentally deficient this is fairly easy/ Personally I think this attitude is merely a carry over attitude that females are just really good for one thing and thats generally not car maintenance. So males allow themselves the luxury of giving themselves permission to exploit another human being. If that attitude that these husbands have was real for them ANY female who gve it up as long as they were vaguely sexually mature would be fair game ,approx 12 to 13 yrs old and up. What would be their reason not to do it to a 14 yr old....they might get caught ,thats all. Any other PURE reason doesnt fit with the attitde that sex if offered is taken up by most men....That isnt true.
Probably relates to their pathetic anaemic relationship with their mummies. No respect there,no respect for women ever.


2006..Me 48
WW 47 OCD/ Sex Abuse by brother
Married 21 years,together 27
Teenagers
PA when engaged and now 3 1/2 yr PA with best friend
Dday 10 Nov 2006
Dont feel too bad ,people destroy the ones they love all the time.Its n

Posts: 640 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: floating, 2012..going
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, I know what you mean about tainted jewellery. Back in ’04 he bought me a “past, present and future” ring. I don’t wear it now, or any of the stuff he bought me during that time he was with her b/c I know that it’s what she would have wanted. And for my b’day he bought a beautiful white gold & diamond heart pendant and said he was holding my heart until it was healed. But he held her heart in his for too many years. He gave it to me before I had the tete a tete with her. So that’s another piece left in the box. And I’ve just re-read my post. He didn’t give me permission to quote his stuff, he gave me permission to have an A, thereby assuaging his guilt. He has written poetry to/about me, but believe me, it’s nothing compared to the intense, intimate, passionate, indeed poetical, stuff he has written about and for her. Mine is tame in comparison. Believe me, the stuff he wrote for her is Browning, Shelley, Eliot, Shakespeare. The stuff for me is contrived. And belated. He wrote a lot during that time. Exorcising perhaps? Whatever, it’s f**cked me up good and proper.

Aren’t we all here b/c our WS’s did not expect to be found out? (And caretoomuch, I think that applies to WW too - sorry, started this ramble before I saw your post) I told WH that he had the perfect affair – nothing to do with our town/social life/his work/family and far enough away to not “drop by”, but her being just off the motorway, perfect geographically. She just wanted more and thought she was entitled, her having had him first. There were lots of hotels nearby for his business stay-aways. Did she know she was filed under “entertainment”?

We were supposed to have had the “perfect marriage”, I guess that’s why my H has been best man on four occasions and I have been held up as perfect W&M. My BIL’s wife refers to me as “Mrs Goody-Two-Shoes” – bitch. (I happen to think I AM a great mum, and my kids think so too, good job they don’t know about this, else he’d be toast!) He’s your original Mr NiceGuy. Even I thought he was, how sad is that?!!!

So, what’s left when the fidelity, trust, honesty and respect have gone? Is love enough, and how do I know he loves me anyway?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That they think they’ll never be found out and so no harm’s done

Yeah, same thing I heard. Although after it kept going on, and after he broke up and went back twice, H says he got more resigned to the fact that the whole thing would probably blow up in face sometime--and he still couldn't stop himself--might hurt her too much, you know.javascript:AddSmily(' ')
barf

OTC and FNF, thanks for the rants--about everything. I agree with it all--

Reading--I started out as someone here did, not being able to read anything but mysteries or thrillers, or non-fiction about climbing mountains or Arctic exploration. Which I enjoyed, but I did see a dip in my concentration and my ability to get into the deeper, more emotional or profound writing--had that going on in my day to day life too much to want to read about it in someone else's. It's better now, I've gone to my book clubs now having finished the books--that's an improvement.

About gifts, now that I've thought about it, I saw the gifts I received at holidays or birthdays become less personal the longer the infidelity went on. H has never been great at grand gift gestures, but he was better at personalizing them--and he's regained that a bit since d-day. And they're probably still somewhat guilt-gifts, along with regular spouse gifts, but I'll take them--at least he puts some thought into them now again.

Our guest of 10 days left, and we leave in 3 days for Europe for the OC visit. Still waiting for the reply about logistics from OW--as I said before, she's stirring her witch's pot--we'll see what she comes up with.

I've come to a place of more acceptance and resignation to my life now--and we are both trying to figure out how to rebuild with all the issues that still come up, but I think IC is helping us both. I'm calmer and thinking more of myself now, talk to H with my feelings, demands, etc. more than I did before, and see that he is trying to do the same despite his overall feeling of hopelessness about what he did. It's a slog, but the day to day is pretty okay, somewhat the M I'd always envisioned after 30 years of marriage but more open is some ways since this mess has forced us to try harder than we probably would have otherwise.

Still hate it.



Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((Wimsey)))))))))

I'll be thinking of you.

(((((((((LTA Tribe))))))))))

Sorry, I just can't seem to catch up with all of the posts. Please know that I hold all of you in my heart, though.

We received judgement from the Court this afternoon.

We won almost everything we went after. Still have a ways to go to prove that she is making at least ten times what she claims, but this is a huge start. The HO cannot make H pay for private preschool - a huge thing, considering that was going to cost $10,000. Nor can she ask for any back money for "daycare" unless she provides cancelled checks and contracts from the daycare provider.

As far as the ID theft, mail fraud and breach of security at H's company - don't know if I shared that info yet - well, we are working on turning all of that in to the proper authorities.

H & I tried really hard to make the holiday nice for our family. And it worked. We've decorated our home for the next holiday, made our plans to get a tree and are attempting to focus on moving forward.

I still have moments - every day - when I feel so very sad. And I have decided to let them be.

I think I need to mourn the loss of what I thought our family was. Doesn't mean I want to wallow in it. Just means I feel the need to give myself permission to feel how I feel.

Which, for a born and raised Southern girl from a generation of women who "took" it all on their shoulders no matter what and smiled while doing it, is pretty damn good.

I miss you my friends. Sending big cyber hugs to all.

SVS



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderful news, svs--for once, the courts are doing the right thing!! I'm so happy for you.

think I need to mourn the loss of what I thought our family was. Doesn't mean I want to wallow in it. Just means I feel the need to give myself permission to feel how I feel.

I know what you mean--and it's a process that will continue for the rest of our lives, I think. Again, not wallowing in it, but a fact that becomes the fabric of ourselves, our histories, our lives. Sucks, but the alternative is worse I think--(which is a big improvement for my thinking--the idea of being dead and away from all this pain didn't sound so bad to me , and fairly recently!).

Just got home from book club where we read Middlesex--a huge family saga with all kinds of people and situations, but no infidelity!! And a great story with terrific writing. And I finished it!!


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SVS CONGRATULATIONS. That is absolutely the best news. Justice and truth have prevailed. Thank God.

And there is more to come. Go get her on that criminal behavior.

You are a hell of a fighter, SVS, and you've won a huge battle. I hope you take a little bit of time to celebrate your victory and to recognize what an incredible woman you are. It's certainly clear to all of us.


D-day 7/29/04.

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