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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -V I I
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost:

You are right, it was a very small request and I think you need to hold your ground on it.

I know that's frightening, but if you are like me, you have always given in throughout your whole life. You've never stood up for yourself. Now is the time to start.

Hang in there. What he does will tell you a lot about who he really is and what his commitment to you really is.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SVS:

Sending out strength and prayers for you and hoping that justice and fairness prevail.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by Lost Heart at 7:11 AM, November 19th (Monday)]


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I
know that's frightening, but if you are like me, you have always given in throughout your whole life. You've never stood up for yourself. Now is the time to start.


You are right BT. I am a chicken. I have always given in. I hate conflict and tension.Anything to keep the peace.Even my self.
But I cant do that anymore if I want to become whole and healed.

*****
FSA, I am so glad the wedding went well. Re DD;s new surname...ouch. Whats the chances of that happening?

If you have to refer to the name, how about calling her Mrs S (instead of Smith)? Maybe over time, you will get used to the name, and it will lose its effect on you.


(((SVS)))
Hope the day goes well for you and your family. You are in our thoughts.

Btw, I LOVE the new digs.Red feature walls..lovely!
Did someone mention green loveseats too. How very uber-chic!!

[This message edited by Lost Heart at 7:10 AM, November 19th (Monday)]


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost - I agree with BT on this. HE set the ultimatum, he knew the deadline, in fact he was given several reprieves from the deadline. If he does not want to do the work necessary to R, it is better to not have him there. Make him understand the consequences.

FSA - glad the wedding went well. Sorry about the last name...as you may remember one of the OW had the same name as I - not fun.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((svs)))) will send you all sorts of mental energy this afternoon....best of luck.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost - You mentioned that he wrote 2 lines to the OW. Do you know what it said? You shared the note he wrote to you. What about the one to them? I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. It seems such an easy price to pay. I can't imagine why or how he could deny you this. I have never asked my H to do anything like this. He hates writing so when it was time to ax the OW, I had him formally request that she leave their place of employment - she was gone in 2 weeks - and the last week I had him go to his brother's so that he was not there when she left. This worked for me.
I can't imagine what your H's difficulty is about. Would it be possible to ask him to write the letter and give it to you? Is it possible he is afraid of legal complications? or maybe afraid they will start harrassing the both of you? You know the saying, let sleeping dogs lie - maybe this is a fear he has. Just reaching hoping to help you think this through. (((Lost)))
SVS - sending you many positive vibes. Hang tough. We're here for you.
FSA - so happy you had a beautiful day. It's amazing how much joy we can feel on such a day even when we are going through the pain of the LTA.
To the tribe - hugs to everyone. Let's hope this is the start of a better, stronger week for all of us.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:56 AM, November 19th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't imagine what your H's difficulty is about

I know its difficult for him. Firstly, its hard, and he doesnt like doing things that tax him too much. Secondly, he has to face himself and what he did, something else he doesnot like. Thirdly, I really think he is worried about what they think of him. Lastly, I also think that he is concerned that they might refute something he says or alludes to, which might lead to other complications.

Fnf, thanks for trying to help.
This is my WHOLE M.This is my children's WHOLE lives.
This is my WHOLE adult life, which 3-4 people invaded, were part of, helped spread their rot...and we never knew.

I am trying to move on.I gave him a 3rd chance. I have worked my heart out on this R. I almost lost my life.
I have done everything I possibly can to make this R work, many times to my own detriment.

I am going to stand my ground on this. One of the things he threw in my face after dday, is that I have no spine, that he knew he could walk all over me in the M, because I was too afraid to stand up to him.

I need to do this. If I back down now, I might as well as just give up and remain a hollow shell.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LH))) Unbelievable what they will endure in order to not feel "controlled". You know that right? This is something you want, you feel you need and he doesn't, so he'll decide FOR you that you really don't need it. See, life goes on and I haven't written those letters. Let's see if LH forgets about it.

Well, you haven't and that's great. Now you have to stick to your guns. I'm getting ready to do the same. I won't do anything until after the holidays. I won't do that to my kids, but it's coming. And I'm not afraid.

svs ~~~~~~~~~~~ those are mental waves, sending you strength.

fsa --- we want all the details.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Lost))))) I am so proud of you for making this decision. I know how hard it must be. This is an important moment in your life to reclaim your self and it takes great courage and strength. Please let us support you in this and lean on us here. It will be hard, but the payoff will be great. No matter what the outcome you will know you can stand for yourself and you will also know where your H stands. You DO have a spine Lost and I just want to tell you how much it shows with your courage to do this. Hang in there.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((Lost))))))))))

Good for you for standing your ground. If he has no consequences, he has no motivation to change.

I know it's scary, but a wise woman on this board always tells me that I have to face my fears head on--whatever they bring--or I will never be free.

Face your fears, sweetheart.

fsa, the name thing sucks. And what is with the lie? Don't you just want to frigging shake the crap out of him? What is the point anymore in lying??? Ugh. So frustrating.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, man. I misssed the name thing, FSA. That's horrible.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA - the name thing sucks! Perhaps you can just look at it as God's way of showing you there is a bad side and now a good side to everything. Your D having this name allows you to reclaim that name into the good side. OK, just trying here.

Also, I think someone is trying to tell your H that the jig is up on lying and that no matter how big or how small the lie is, it's going to be found out. He no longer has anymore free passes on lying.

Glad to hear you all had a wonderful day in spite of this.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, well done for sticking to your guns. It must have been so tough. Do what you think is right. You do have a very strong spine and you also have the rest of your life to live, and you deserve to be happy whether you are with him or without him.

You're stronger than me on this, I have never faced my fear. Even if things are really difficult at the moment, just take a minute to really absorb the strength you have just shown and know that you will get through this.

SVS, hope your court case is going well, I must say I take back every reasonable comment I make about ow when I think about your situation. You are another super strong example to us all.

FSA, congratulations on your DD wedding. Isn't life just like that? the same surname! I'd be so P*ssed off! But maybe it will help to reduce it as a trigger after some (long) time. You can only hope.

BT I continue to be amazed at your posts, I hope you realise the power behind what you write and the gift you are giving to so many people. and that goes for so many of you other "old timers" as well, you really are providing a public service that is not available through any other channel.

To all the newbies, just keep going and take care of yourselves, I'm in that middle stage at the moment. Not really much of anything. So don't post much at all any more. The plain of lethal flatness I think.

((((LTA tribe))))


Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the same surname! I'd be so P*ssed off!

Being as I was already pissed about the lie. When the preacher announced Mr and Mrs __________ I turned to my H and had a few choice words for him.
DD has no idea. Maybe one day I'll tell her. I don't know.

He no longer has anymore free passes on lying
Oh you can bet your last dollar on this one. I'm finished with his lies. I've told him, and I will stick to it, that if I don't see some major improvements by Jan 1. He's outta here. I refuse to be disrespected any longer. I've taken way more than my share. And with each lie he continues to disrespect me.

LOL
FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are just phenomenal.
I know that if my family had to find out that H left because he didnt write a letter to OW, it would be hell...for me. Nobody would understand.

But you guys... (happy tears)

You know what, I am ok. Either I am in some kind of shock/denial, but I am not hysterical or anything.
I am in my quiet place. I know I am right. I know this with my body and mind.
Cant even be bothered that he is staying at Travelodge, their hotel of choice.

*******
So speaking of family, I had a chat on the weekend with my M. Dont know if I mentioned this before, but despite my every effort to the contrary, I ended up repeating her life.She was even my age when she found out about my F's LTA.

My IC spoke last week about when we endure a trauma and how the "negative energy" of it is stored in our body if we dont deal with it.And how the accumulation of this can lead to for eg cancer.

Now I know that my M has led a v traumatic life, and I am convinced that that my F is responsible in a big way to her cancer.

So I asked her what she thought of that philosophy and of aligning our bodies and minds.

She said that her philosophy was not to dwell on the past, not to sit in selfpity, to move on and up.If someone wanted to join, then great, if not, then tough for them.They lose.She hates looking back because there is nothing good there.You get up and keep on running.
And I know that is how she wants me to deal with my M.I should be glad that he is back, I should become independent and build my own life, with H next to me.."because he learnt his lesson".I know she finds me visiting IC and MC as a waste of time.

She chose to take my F back. They didnt resolve their issues just buried them, she built a life of her own apart from him after that, she went on to study and add many degrees after her name, she rose in her career and she brought the 3 of us up.Only to find out 10 years later that he never ended it with OW.

The way I see it, is that I have to choices.I could do it her way, and possibly end up the same. Or I could do it this way.

I asked her is she wouldnt want to heal some of her past "monsters" and get rid of the accumulated "negative energy". She said that she is 54 years old. She does not want to look at her monsters ever.She just wants to enjoy whats left of her life.

I dont know what I am trying to say here or trying to get her to do.

But do you guys believe that if we dont resolve these A and non-A monsters, that we will end up with something toxic?

I know I am all over the place here.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But do you guys believe that if we dont resolve these A and non-A monsters, that we will end up with something toxic?
With all my heart and soul Lost. I believe strongly in this and have spent many years reading books on just this topic. The best ones that address this topic IMO:
Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol Truman and The Key to Self-liberation: 1000 Diseases And Their Psychological Origins by Christiane Beerlandt (this is a french translation and can be a little difficult to read but well worth it) Also, Carolyn Myss has a audio set called Energy Anatomy which is very good too.

Lost, trust your gut on this one. I think it's showing you the truth.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaack....(((hugs to all of you))))I know, I know, that all of you have difficulties.....SVS, Lost....you are deeply in my prayers right now.

BUT, we only have red walls....??? Am I reading this correctly??? 50 posts into it, and you guys are sitting in a room with red walls...what else??

Okay, it's Christmas time. If you celebrate something else, just enjoy the decorations; or, put your own touch here.

Since I am working with red walls....I want a very elaborate setting. Huge fireplaces that are flowing with green garland, tons of roses and candles. The candles are bedecked with jewels and lace. Topiaries with moss spiral upward from the sides of the mantle. A fire is burning in the fireplace. A beautifully decorated Christmas tree is in the corner filled with glass and crystal ornaments. Clusters of antique roses punctuate the lights and the glass ornaments. The furniture is an elaborate French Provincial style with down cushions that we can sink into. The coffee table has a silver tea service with more candles and photos. Holiday music plays in the background and wonderful scents from the candles and cookies fill the air. A baby grand piano is in the corner. Elaborate throws, brocade on one side, fur on the other are available for those who are cold.

Okay....I am leaving...add as you wish.


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Mum. I'm glad they help.

I found the lethal flatness to be a very hard part of the journey. I was lucky that it didn't last long for me.

Lost,

Does you mother seem happy to you? she doesn't sound like it from here. So, I probably wouldn't be very eager to follow her footsteps in this regard.

If your H gets your mother and sister involved in the letter, just politely tell them you are not going to discuss it with them. That is what I do with mine and it actually works OK.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, what a busy weekend. Do red walls clash with redhair?

((Lost)) That was not much to ask from him at all. Good for you for sticking to your guns.

Glad the wedding went well, FSA. Oh my, on the name. Maybe DD should keep her maiden name.

My Dad's sister passed away one week from Dday. Her first name was the same as OW's. Some omen.

((svs))

((newbies)) Sorry you find yourselves here.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
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